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Hello other H-ers. I took a little hiatus from the site because I thought I was okay with having the H. Well, clearly not, because the fact that I am still on here shows that I just can't cope without you guys. I waver in and out of positive feelings, or feeling like I can somehow get through this. Anyway, I'm longer into my sobriety now, which means honesty and open-ness. I've gone from not acknowledging I have herpes, to admitting it to a few people.

 

I've considered myself to be bi my whole life, and was more into women, but wouldn't have the confidence to initiate anything. I've slept with a few girls, but they weren't interested in something long-term. I've always known I've wanted to be with women, but it's hard. Now I'm a queer BDSMer ex drug-addict with depression, mental illnesses and herpes living at her parents house. Low chances much?

 

Lol anyway, I just think it's funny to laugh about in a way, but it just seems my chances are next to nothing. I've tried dating sites before, that never worked, out, and now I'm trying to meet other kinkers, but they always say "NO DISEASES" and avoid it like the plague. It makes me feel like I'm all wrong again :( I know I shouldn't be going out looking for kinky sex, but sigh, it's so much easier than looking inside myself at all the gross blackness. I miss being able to enjoy casual sex. I guess it's not really possible anymore because I feel I'm always going to be rejected now unless they really care about me. Does anyone else know any lesbian herpsters in my area because I certainly don't. It's hard enough to find any Queers who like me, anyway. :( Once I tell them I have herpes I fear it will be all over. *insert usual depression and fears*

 

Sigh, just feeling defeated. I guess the only thing I can do is continue to try to love myself. If I didn't have herpes I would be having casual sex with women by now. But then again, it would be soulless, they wouldn't stay with me and they would just leave, and then I would be sad. I'm just trying to find some kind of reason why it's good to have herpes. But this is really freaking hard.

 

I just want to know if there are any other queer ladies with herpes out there on the site so I don't keep feeling alone about that, too.

 

Thanks all and much love,

Ellemmell

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Hi ellemell,

 

I am not lesbian, so I can't speak to that part of it, but I can speak to the casual sex part and my experience of that was that it may fill a need in the immediate, but it makes you feel like crap in the long term. Sort of like drinking I guess - it numbs the pain in the moment but the longer term effects are not so wonderful. Maybe, like me, this herpes thing allows you to slow down a bit, take a peek inside and get to know yourself and your self worth. Honey, if you keep telling yourself you are not this, and bad that, then you are going to continue to see blackness. You don't need casual sex to feel better. You are on a journey to healing and I really frickin honor you because I am not sure I could be as strong as you are. You are obviously intelligent, caring, funny, and self aware. Don't sell yourself short. You deserve all of life's blessing and this virus we share is just that "pause" button that many of us need in our lives to figure some stuff out. I am so glad you are here and I love to read your posts because I can feel your strong spirit come through. Expect good things to come your way. You deserve a person who loves you, honors you and see the amazing and beautiful spirit that you are. For now, we are the fortunate ones. And hopefully soon you will see yourself through our eyes.

 

Hugs,

 

Brenda xoxoxo

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And to piggy-back off of what WD said, not only does casual sex fill a temporary hole ... there's no such thing as "casual sex" without any risks! Whether it's a risk to your heart getting hurt or a risk of contracting an STD! We tend to forget that STD-passing goes both ways. You having herpes is making you that much more aware of what's out there and to have less casual sex ... not just to protect other people from herpes, but to protect YOURSELF from everything else that's out there! Having the safer sex talk because you have herpes opens up the door to a conversation that will protect both parties that much more. The people who will outright post "NO DISEASES" aren't really seeing the whole picture. They are cutting the potential out of meeting a whole subset of amazing people. That is a shallower way to go through a dating process — to pre-reject people before you know them as a person seems to me to mean that they are more interested in sex than the person they are having the sex with. Getting an STD and the emotional intelligence that comes with the self-acceptance and growth moves all of us into a more conscious and mature way of being in relationship. And we can still have tons of fun! This doesn't cut us off from having those experiences that we would be having if we didn't have herpes — it just shifts our perspective on our sexuality and how we will be relating to sex.

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Hey its good to have you back (:. I'm not a lesbian but ican tell you that casual sex just is a way to escape.in a way. Itoo am in recovery. Its just like with drinking and drugging you are only getting a temporary escape. Ihad casual sex with someone recently because iwas lonely and wanted to have casual sex with someone because I'm only 23 aand felt like ishould be able to have casual sex. Well ididnt disclose till after. And even having casual sex it was fun and ifelt good at tthe moment but afterwards iwas still feeling the same way before it happened. Iknow is hard to find a partner when your bi gay or lesbian. Ihave lots of friends in the program who are and iknow its difficult. First learn to love and be ok with being alone. Then you'll be able to go find a partner. Iknoe its hard and difficult at times istriggled with it at first. Ihave had H for almost a year in August and it has been a difficult road and Itoo have my ups and downs. Ihavnt been on here because ithought iwas ok as well and accepted it but I'm in an outbreak right now and ifeel like shit. But like the program says that when you feel down and feel like crap you reach out to someone else. So here Iam reaching out to you. Much lo e sending your way. If you ever wanna talk you can always message me (: <3

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Hi Ellemmell!

 

Thank you for your beautifully vulnerable post. Can I just say, I think you're wonderful? Your sense of humour comes shining through your writing! I'm not queer, but I've certainly struggled with confusion around my sexuality (due to childhood sexual abuse with a woman). And I've absolutely slept with men just to feel a sense of love, and it's left me feeling terribly empty and alone. Add in the herpes, I can empathize with a wide range of challenges around sex and sexuality. I really don't believe it matters what sexual orientation we are, or what disease we have, or what other thing we have that we consider unlovable - the bottom line is that we're not going to find what we don't believe we deserve. You sound pretty convinced that you're screwed....I've been there too. But you're not - you just have to start believing in yourself and start seeing all the beautiful qualities about yourself that you prevent yourself from seeing. You're the only one blocking your light. Learning (or remembering) how awesome we are could be fun if we allowed it to be. Happy hunting xo Beckie :)

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Thanks guys! You guys are so awesome... I mean, it's actually amazing how supportive and great you all are. I know what you are all saying is true, I guess I'm just like a little kid who wants what I want when I want it. It's just like anything else -- drinking, drugging, but I can also compare it to eating 5 pieces of chocolate cake even though you know it's not good for you, or drinking too much coffee. The only problem is that this is the hardest thing I've ever been through, harder than quitting drinking, substances, etc. Because it changes my relationships with other people. I guess there's no option but to be alone for a while. I didn't want it to be this way, but I need to know that in the end it will be for the best. I'm not even supposed to be seeking out affection or relationships, but I want to anyway. Just like how I quit smoking. Well, I still want to smoke sometimes even after 5 months. It's an ongoing battle, like everything in life. I've had such a problem with loneliness in my life I've done dangerous things to try to fill the hole. I know there are better ways to do it, but I'm sure everyone gets that sometimes it's just not as easy as it sounds. I'm trying to make friends in the queer community, so I don't feel so alone on that front. And I have my program for recovering addicts too. I'm not working right now because I'm going through some health issues and I started seeing a naturopath. I'm trying to get things on track. And when I feel bad, I know I can come back on the forum again and you guys will try to help me out. That feels really great, everyone on here is so wise, it's a great support group, and I want to thank you all so much because without this I would feel all alone again. I send my love to you all and hope I can find peace within myself and to love myself for who I am. Thanks, Ellemmell

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