Just diagnosed; horrifed

[Soawful]

I feel annoying and embarrassed to be posting again, but I really could use support. I posted the other day on here, and I unfortunately have not gotten any responses. I am dying inside so I am reaching out again in hope of connecting with folks who can share their HSV experiences with me.  

 

 My gynecologist was pretty sure that I have HSV1 on my nether regions, and today I got the official diagnosis after the culture came back positive for HSV1. This is beyond awful, my worst nightmare. .

 

I have always been so concerned about contracting an STD, and was always paranoid about it, and rarely let guys go down in me because I was just too afraid of catching h. I am educated and always was very informed about potential transmission of STDs. Yet here I am getting it from someone who had an active cold sore.  I KNEW that I should not have had sex with my partner when he had a very active cold sore on his mouth.  He did not perform oral sex on me, but I guess me kissing him (how dumb could I be?? I knew it as so risky and I was so grossed out but I did it anyway???! I am so mad at myself for being caught up in the heat of the moment!), and then me performing oral on him, and then having condom less vaginal intercourse with him is what got me.  Or, he could have had some of the contagious fluid on his finger and touched me. Or, it was his saliva which he would often throw in to the mix for extra lube. I am so repulsed.  I am mortified; I feel so ashamed and undesirable. I feel like I will be alone forever and will never have sex again. This is  beyond awful.  This is literally my worst nightmare. 

 

Any support is appreciated. I know every body is different, but I'd like to hear from folks (especially women) with HSV1 on their girl parts. How often do you have breakouts? Do you get them on your mouth too?  I feel like I will never have sex again, for numerous reasons; fear of total rejection, fear of an outbreak or discomfort during and after sex, fear of transmitting to a partner etc. What are you experiences with all of that? The ValACYclovir  has been helping. I still have the ulcers, of which I only had about three, but they are healing and I'm not in pain like I was. That was the worst pain I have ever experienced, seriously.  Urinating was the most painful thing I have ever felt. I didn’t’ drink any fluids because I was afraid to pee, but then realized more water would be better because it is less acidic.  I also have had a slight fever and the glands in my groin are still swollen. Sorry to sound whiny, but I am devastated, so very ashamed, so afraid and just feel disgusting and like my sexual/romantic life is over.  Oh, and to make matters worse, I have no health insurance right now and am not working. FML. Sorry to be whiny, but this is so painful and traumatic and scary.

 

Not sure if I mentioned this;  I am a 42 year old woman. I can't believe I have gone this many years and remained clean from any STD after having a  good deal of  risky unprotected sex.  This man is the only person for the most part that I have slept with in four years, and I get infected with an incurable STD, nonetheless.I am livid at myself because his cold sores always freaked me out, and I always vowed not have sex with him or kiss him when he had one. A few weeks ago was the one and only time I had sex with him while he had a bad cold sore, and he didn't even perform oral on me, and now I am infected. BTW, this man is not someone who I will marry. He has been married once and is too involved with his kids to consider being with me. We've discussed this numerous times. Guess I'll just die alone as a f’ing spinster. Please be gentle with me, folks, and remember how you felt when you were first diagnosed. I don’t mean to be whiny, but I am desperately in need of support so I am reaching out.

Thank you.

[kinator]

Oh my. Im so sorry to hear your feeling this way. Well. 

Im 24. But i too have hsv1 on my ladybits. I had a stared active coldsore and after a heated makeout session with my fiance he went down on me.  

Well. Long story short his beard held the virus and transferred to my new brazillian. He luckily got nothing. 

I spent christmas to new years thinking i had the WORST yeast infection ever but i was in another province where my healthcare wouldnt work.  So i went into the clinic January 4th. The doctor looked horrified. Prescribed me with famciclovir and lydocaine for pain. And swabbed me.  

Dont be discuraged. 

It wont hurt forever and theres medication to supress it.  And lucky for you youve joined the most supportive fourm ive found so far. 

You are still who you were before.  You can still be careful and know the facts. Theres ways to protect yourself and your partners.  

This is not a death sentence for your lady bits. I promise. 

[MaryM]

It seems like you're having a lot of anxiety surrounding your diagnosis. I would encourage self-care, and research as much as possible from reputable sources.  I think it will allay your fears some.  

I was diagnosed this week with hsv2...this is my first outbreak...and between the flu-like symptoms and the pain, I haven't had time to even think about what the future will be like.  But it seems that many people have this 1 in 6 adults, so it's not as rare as we may think.  

You won't die alone as a spinster. This doesn't have to define you, it's just something you'll have that will flare up from time to time. I'm hoping the outbreaks will be less severe as time goes on, as I've heard. 

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this.  I was too, the first few days, now I'm just glad the pain is subsiding a little.  Just take each day as it comes. Many people live with this.  It's not fun, but it's manageable. I think there is literature out there, and even on this site, about how to tell potential partners about your hsv. I'm here if you want to message me!

[Soawful]

Omg thank you both so much for responding. Wow. That was very cathartic for me. Of course I’m embarrassed now with my very raw and detailed post, but I had to get out to people who are in the same boat. Thank you thank you!

[Soawful]

Kinator, how frequent are your ladybits outbreaks?

[jackieom4]

I was definitely feeling very similarly to what you posted when I was first diagnosed. At age 31, I contracted genital hsv1, after having only 3 partners. I was so mad, embarrassed, anxious, sad, scared, etc. Anyway, after my initial outbreak I didn’t have anymore until about 14 months later. Then another about 2 months after that (my current situation). Not sure why I’m having more outbreaks in the second year, when it’s “supposed” to be less. But, I have an amazing, loving boyfriend of 1 year, who loves me just the same. There are moments when everything will feel out of control, and there are moments you’ll forget it’s even part of your life. All of the feelings are real! The highs and lows. Just don’t let it define you, because it doesn’t. 🙂

[sarahsfocus]

I am going for my hsv2 blood test.i'm terrified that I have hsv2. I would be ok with having hsv1 (I get cold sores too) please keep me in your prayer's.

[kinator]

9 hours ago, Soawful said:

Kinator, how frequent are your ladybits outbreaks?

Sadly mine have been quite frequent for the past 8 months. 

  But. Theres medications to control it. And once you find the right med. You can live without outbreaks for years. 

My brothr in law has a friend. That friend has genetal hsv1. And shes been breakout free for 10 years now.  It took a while of trial and error on different meds. But she hasnt had a breakout since.  

Shes what gives me hope that one day hopefuly we can be free of the pain that obs cause. 

If you ever need to talk. Please. Feel free to message me.  🙂

[Next step]

Hmmm I'm not sure what type I have but assumed HSV2 due to being in my 40s. But it seems many older ppl are being diagnosed with HSV1. 

[Next step]

@Soawful if you want to chat PM me. I'm in my 40s and going through all the same emotions . 

[browneyes886]

Hello ... I too was recently diagnosed and felt every bit of what you are going through. It’s not easy and I don’t think anyone here will lie and say it is, but it is manageable and it is NOT life threatening. 

Ive been living with this diagnosis for less than two months and I can honestly say it DOES get better mentally. Personally, this forum in addition to all the research and knowledge I continue to gain has helped me TREMENDOUSLY.

Also, I made an appointment with an infectious disease dr, someone who specializes in this field. I think that talking to a medical professional who deals strictly with this will help give me even more valid information and help ease my mind. I have a list of questions to ask and for me ... KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!!! 

I know how extremely difficult this is and I am here if you ever need to talk.

This community has helped me mentally so much already, and I want to pay it forward with my experiences and information. 

Happy to talk to and share with anyone here who needs a friend! 

[Sunshine75]

@Soawful I feel you. I am also 42, just diagnosed in June (with Hsv2) and felt so many of the same emotions and physical pains. It was my then-partner who had no idea he had it, but left as soon as the sh*t hit the fan. True colors I guess?, but like your situation, it wasn’t my forever someone anyway. Still stung on top of the rest. And I’m still processing it all.

you will make it through this! Your lady bits will return to normal. This forum will provide info and support as you need it most. You will learn the triggers for your body and (from all I’ve read), your strain is put likely to outbreak all that often down there. And those future outbreaks may not even include lesions! Mine haven’t and I’m dealing with Hsv2.

And like another comment on here, knowledge is power. Check out the publication “Managing Herpes” from ASHA publications. You can download online. My doc recommended and it was REALLY helpful info.

i wallowed for a bit and the diagnosis and future ahead still chokes me up and I’m still frustrated that despite all my best efforts at safe sex and std testing, I got this! Ugh I SO feel you. But after wallowing for a bit and beginning to open up to close friends and family— and reading and writing in this forum— i found some strength to get out of that space and remember the resilient self that got me through 40+ years of life. This is a hurdle but I’m actively choosing to use it as a guide post for more intensional living and loving going forward! You’ll get through this. We’re all here for you to lean on when you need it! And reach out individually if needed too. You got this!

[Next step]

@Sunshine75 i would love to connect if you're open to it 💕