I Disclosed After the Fact... He is Livid.

[lovechild03]

I started messaging with a guy whose family I know. That same day, hours into the online conversation, after much convincing from him, I said he could come over to hang out. I made my boundaries clear from the beginning about no sex, but did not explain why. I did not plan to have sex. I wasn't even sure if I'd like him let alone trust him enough with info as sensitive as my HSV2 diagnosis in such a small town. (It would have been wiser to go with my gut here).

Well, the hang out got hot and heavy real fast. Even then I spent a good majority of the time pushing him away (although I wanted to go further). I kept telling him "I have my reasons... Don't you want to know why?" Those words he completely ignored. So I said to myself "Okay I feel super ashamed as I am already naked. I really wanna do this, too. If we use protection he should be okay." I told him to get a condom. He brought none and refused to go across the street to busy some. Then I thought quickly and grabbed latex gloves in the kitchen. They seemed to be working fine. When we're finished that's when he told me the makeshift condom broke halfway through but he was in the moment. So he kept going without telling me of the break. I was mortified.

Almost 2 weeks later I finally had the guts to disclose via dms online. He seemed concerned yet understanding at first. But I think the more he read HSV information online the angrier he became. He said I am a "f***d up person" for not telling him right away despite my attempts to. But I agree. I could have pushed him abruptly and said "I can't do this" with or without an explanation. I took the choice away from him to protect himself in the manner he was comfortable with. He said he "f*****ng* hates" me and "regrets ever talking to" me. I tried desperately to calm him and explain the dynamics of HSV but he will not pick up my phone calls. All things aside, he actually is such a sweet, caring person. I feel tremendous guilt for the pain I am the cause of. 

 

I'm rapidly falling into a deep depression. I cannot eat nor sleep. And if I do sleep I wake up drenched in sweat. I am terrified of being publicly exposed. And even worse I feel horribly guilty about possibly giving him HSV. And even if he had HSV before sex with me the blame will automatically be put on me. I hope he doesn't have it. That way we can just both go our separate ways in peace. 

 

Any advice on steps I can take to make things okay with him, even if we don't pursue further friendship or a romantic relationship? I want to be there for him. He doesn't have to go through this alone like I did. That's the worst. Thanks for your help. ❤

[Stupida]

Hello @lovechild03

To be honest, I too would be livid as well as it is a incurable virus. Some people have intense outbreaks and others only get 1 a year or hardly any. It all depends how the individual immune system handles it.  

I would definitely apologize and hopefully he can still be friends with you. Tell him your true feelings etc on why you held back the disclosure etc. Printout exactly what you told us in hopes that he understands that you don’t want people to know.

[beBravebeBOLD]

Hello lovechild! My heart goes out to you because I have been in your exact situation and position. Disclosing when your new at this is SOO very hard and it comes with so much weight and stress.  I don’t believe the burden should be all ours though!  It’s like no one prepped us or gave us a hand book and or disclaimer for our ride on the roller coaster so ppl need to chill with the self righteous bs.  Also did this guy (or any guy) even ask about your status? If not where is his responsibility for having jumped in bed not protecting himself. Ppl all know there’s a risk involved with sex and people ignore that risk all day everyday.

 Moving forward having the talk prior to sexy is the goal.  For me I’ve always been a more monogamous dater so my disclosure comes with the intent I’ll be with that person and I’ll try to give that person the best chance at a low transmission rate as possible. This gives the relationship a different sense of trust and understanding.   So it is empowering for me to disclose. For ppl in more hook up situations I know some who just disclose and have had very great responses and the people aren’t afraid it’s casul and I do know people who don’t disclose at all and feel as long as they aren’t lesional or active that they don’t have too.  Now that’s a philosophy that you’ll have to determine on your own but It’s accompanied by the notion that people with cold sores don’t go around announcing they had them as children or occasionally so why should they. Idk I know H makes me not want to have sex casually anyways. Your more susceptible to things because of this so I don’t want ANYTHING else for myself lol.  

But all in all this is just a learning experience.  The guy is fine (as fine as anyone who takes a risk in life and should be)  and move forward.  

[beBravebeBOLD]

And you are not a messed up person! Your a human being who wants and deserves love just like everyone else in this world and you had a monkey wrench thrown in your plans so learning to deal and cope is part of the process..

[lovechild03]

@beBravebeBOLD thank you so much for your kind words! They really have helped ease my anxiety, even if for a short while. I appreciate you. ❤

Like you, I also exclusively saved my energy for those I could see a long term relationship with. I have had much experience disclosing (some casual hook ups). My approach was always to disclose most definitely before any kind of sexual activity when I felt I could trust a person with this information (again, small town where everyone basically knows of everyone else). So basically I always made sure to take things slow with lots of conversation to get to know of this person's character, this trustworthiness, xomoassion, open mindedness...etc. I had a whole formula. It seemed to work wonderfully. 

This hasn't been my first rodeo since my diagnosis. I think that's what makes me even more disappointed in myself. I have been great with disclosing my status before any sexual activity. Men were surprisingly understanding and even knowledgeable about HSV despite being (allegedly) negative for it themselves. A couple of them stated they had exes with HSV. Very importantly, I'd always practice safer sex.

This current time was just so fast. But I also had so many opportunities to disclose within the 24 hours before we met up (and during the hangout too). Over the phone I would be this close👌🏽 to getting the words out... But I really liked him. I could see us moving further, possibly into a relationship. The shame kicked in hard, then I would chicken out and tell myself I was going to tell him if we take that step towards any form of intimacy. 

I am also conflicted because ai feel like this encounter was mkre on the side of sexual assault. As much as I wanted to do it, I physically pushed him away with a serious tone for most of the encounter, which brings me back to my sexual assault that led to my HSV diagnosis. My attempts to explain my HSV diagnosis before sex were hushed. I am confused, full of guilt but angry at him for not listening to me when I tried to push him away and verbally tell him why. My last desperate resort was the stupid glove. I tried. My efforts were futile though, so that realization brings me right back to the guilt and anguish. 

I also have severe clinical depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have made so much progress with depressive episodes in the past year... I feel that progress is unraveling and my mental mental health is declining rapidly. I reallly don't want to end up back in the psychiatric hospital for severe depression. I want to practice better self care, but that motivation.... It's like -50. 

[lovechild03]

@Stupida Hi 🙂 I do appreciate your realism and reminder of the harsh truth. It is what it is. I can't sugar coat it if I really want to deal with these consequences and move forward.  I definitely explained that this information was very sensitive and I asked if he'd be okay deleting the messages. He said he would. He hasn't yet. I apologized multiple times, acknowledged his feelings were of course valid and offered my support, but he's not trying to hear it right now. I understand fully. So I am giving him space with hopes that sometime we can talk this out... and ultimately make amends. 

[Stupida]

@lovechild03 You did the right thing and giving him space right now, is what you have to do.  I hope you can make amends with him.  

[lovechild03]

Update: He sent a text stating if he tests positive for HSV he WILL sue. And he has the proof in our disclosure convrrsation online. At this point, I'm just numb. 

[Donteattheworm]

Well I don’t think your fucked up it sounds to me like he pressured you into sex though yes you should have told him before intercourse he pressured you after you told him no refused to use protection and didn’t inform you that your “protection”  had broke honestly this doesn’t sound like a good guy if he had contracted hsv from you he would most likely be showing his first symptoms by now and if he already has it his levels will be much higher than if he had. This dude is trash in my honest opinion and my advice is to steer as far away from him as possible 

[beBravebeBOLD]

I have heard of people suing before but I think that’s total bs and I hate how society has made this a damned exiled sentence if you get this virus but then you also are the sole responsible person for reporting it to everyone moving forward! Like really wtf! The CDC and doctors neglect to even test for this virus when you specifically ask for a std checkup before sex. So should everyone then be able to sue the health care system because THATS who and what’s letting this virus be spread.  I got this virus from the first person I shared my body with and I went to the clinic to get a pre sex check up because I thought that was the right thing to do and THEY let me down in the biggest way ever. As for this guy, he is a pos I mean really mr force myself on you how could you be throwing such a hissy fit!  Tell him if he takes you to court thats fine because you have to be able to prove that you were the only person he was sexually active with (highly doubt that) and then also you have a great track record of disclosing and you can prove that your intent was to tell but things got pushed forward in a manner that you were not expecting. Also state that as an adult sex comes with risk and if he didn’t ask then he didn’t even take the first step to protect himself so wth.... I’m so sorry you have to even think about this... 

[lovechild03]

@beBravebeBOLD @Donteattheworm  and @Stupida I literally come to this page at least twice a day to read your responses. They have been my only solace. I don't think I can begin to describe how thankful I am for you all. Thank you again, a million times over. ❤

[Sumshine]

First off...he has no basis to sue. He chose unprotected sex rather than to go across the street to get a condom. He should have brought one because it sounded like he planned on sex come hell or high water. Then, when the glove broke, he just kept going! I'm sorry, but he sounds like a jerk to me. How does he know he doesn't have H since he seemed to not want to bother with a condom....probably his usual practice. The encounter likely did not transmit to him 

[Stupida]

How long have you been diagnosed for? 

[lovechild03]

@Stupida almost 5 years. Not my first rodeo; I've had great experiences with disclosure except for this one. 

[Stupida]

Oh damn. Wow, that’s unfortunate. Keep your head up. It will pass.

[lovechild03]

@Sumshine you are so right! It took a minute for the smoke to clear and for me to see his character in its totality. He was charming, hilarious and seemingly compassionate. That's what hooked me in. But I see now without the rose colored lenses how he really is. He was forceful the entire time. He is now blaming & threatening me for everything. I see the good in everyone... to a fault. Thank you for your words of wisdom.