One Month In

[Nigella]

Hi everyone! I found out I have HSV2 downstairs a little over a month ago. During the week prior when my gut diagnosed me was the absolute worst and I had all the typical feelings of 'how could I be so stupid,' 'my life is over,' etc etc. I couldn't talk to anyone except my best friend who lives abroad. My only other outlet was finding this site and reading so many posts. I truly think those two supports had the biggest impact on shaping my outlook and lifting me up. So thank you so, soooo, SOOOO much for that help. I've also seen two docs at Planned Parenthood, my PCP and an OBGYN since and each of them as well as the nurses were each like "oh it's no big deal, a lot of people have it!" Which also sorta helped, but of course logically not everyone will think that. This week I told one additional close friend here who was awesomely supportive. My friends reiterate "you are an awesome, amazing person, and this doesn't change that one bit." Again, not everyone will respond that way.

 

I've completely surprised myself with how accepting I've been about this. I feel so sad for people who close themselves off into a deep depression and self hate for months and months. I worried that would be me. But unless I'd physically feel a little tingle down there (prodrome I guess? which has also dissipated tremendously) I feel completely normal. I get VERY emotional - in a positive way - when I read your posts that talk about how finding out turned out to be a mandatory filter on who you let close, forcing you to take things slow with people, shift your focus on what you want in life and redirect your life towards health and happiness, and how it sort of stops you dead in your tracks to do all that and think/feel that way. Those posts strike me so personally and is exactly how I feel. I attribute my quick acceptance and self forgiveness to those posts.

 

I'm not incredibly religious but I try to "exercise" my spiritual side daily (have been doing this for years), and be thankful and seek direction from a higher power. *cough* Obviously I screw up sometimes *cough* :) But here is something that may help those who are open to that spiritual therapy. The day I sat in the waiting area of Planned Parenthood I came across this Fathers Day devotional in my email, and it brought me to tears yet gave me some comfort: http://www.cbn.com/spirituallife/devotions/thomaskathy-healing-hands.aspx?cpid=DEVO_2013_164

 

I know there are many circumstances that bring Herpes into our lives. For me, I made a stooopid careless decision and slept with a guy friend unprotected who I wasn't even remotely dating, didn't have feelings for, or even care if I slept with him again, AND who I knew sleeps around. I just thought about what was fun in the moment. That's not me and I am someone who wants a meaningful relationship. Feeling that my careless decision brought this into my life could've sent me into a self-loathing depression. But that amazingly timed email and this forum and having some pretty amazing friends changed that course.

 

So thank you :)

 

I also I know this isn't really a question or a discussion but I signed up for this board so that I could share my thanks to you all and try to return the favor for those who are seeking reconciliation with HSV.

[james81]

Hi Nigella!

 

One month in and you are talking like that! wow I am speechless. You must be an incredible woman.

 

Your post sent me tons of electrifying positive energy, like a force field that's keeps all the bad thing away. We need to learn a lot from you.

 

There is something though I would like to address in your post. You said you made a stupid decision when you slept with your friend. It was not stupid. It was fine at the time and something happened.

 

In my experience is easy to forgive your friends and family, but it's hard to forgive oneself. For me this is the ultimate sign of love since we all are extremely harsh to ourselves.

You didn't make a stupid decision, you just slept with a friend because it was fun. Sex is fun, it's great!

 

How could I probably know? Would I do it again? what if? What if? These question are not taking you anywhere.

 

It was the right decision given the information you had. It's water under the bridge.

 

But again, after one month and you are talking and acting like some one who has overcome the worst part of all. From now on the ride will be fun! enjoy!

[Nigella]

Honestly I am pretty surprised myself. I surprised myself for being able to be positive. I thought I'd be a hermit for the first six months, initially. But again I owe it to my friends, this site, and trying to be logical.

 

And you're right about my friend. It is water under the bridge. I DO think it was careless and I should've been more selective about being intimate with him - with or withOUT this as the outcome. BUT I do forgive myself.

 

But, although I sound cheery I realize there may be days when I feel/sound differently. I do have worries about how this may impact new relationships, and those success stories help me feel positive about that. Those stories help me trust that people that see the whole me and are meant to be in my life will love me herpes and all.

[Nigella]

When I told my friend this week I did cry a little when I actually said the words. So it's not a party over here. But then we talked about it for a while, laughed a little, and continued onto other topics.

[caligirl12]

HI! It's great you are feeling so positive about this! Keep it up, and don't let anything knock you down!

[pamplemousse]

Hi Nigella! Thanks for sharing the spiritual story as it says something to me about how much of my anguish comes from my own head... Many people tell me regarding other instances that, like many, i tend to magnify negatives and try to anticipate outcomes instead of just dealing with things as they are. Why can't I just let things be what they are? I am grateful for your sharing and attitude, thank you for your straightforward take -- very valuable to me right now.

[GreenEyes727]

Hi Nigella and kudos to you! I know it's not a constant party for you or any of us but we can have hope for bright futures. So many people have herpes. I can't tell you how many stories I've heard of people telling people and finding out that the people they are telling have it too. Sometimes, I want to just disclose like on Plenty of Fish or on Facebook. It's just a virus and as I research, lots of things are in the works for a vaccine and/or maybe even a cure. So we have to have hope. This is a wonderful website I found it last year. Adrial called me in person. He was so nice and informative. At the time that I joined, he was going by another name and then he decided to come clean and let us know his real name. He's so cool! I'm glad you found us!