Back on the scene

[Iwillbeok]

I was doing pretty well. Accepting H2 and it not affecting my life other than the occasional mental beating. It’s been 9 months and I’ve only had 1 1/2 outbreaks... yes, 1/2... I think I stopped it in its tracks when I popped the Valtrex. 

I just broke up with my giver.... it happened 6 months into our almost 1 1/2 yr relationship and he said he didn’t know he had it. I was unsure about our fate at the time and I think when H happened I clinged for dear life. In the end I wasn’t happy in the relationship. 

I joined one of those special sites yesterday to check out the crowd. First there was NO ONE anywhere near me. And so few even in my state... and forgive me, but no one I would be Interested in... where are all the normal, attractive, successful people with H? I deactivated it because it made me feel so alone. Now I feel like that’s it. I’m gonna be single forever because I can’t imagine having “that talk” with anyone. Dating was hard enough before and now the pool just got smaller. 

 

Damn..... I was doing so well.... 

[Ishmael]

A lot of people, especially people who are newly diagnosed, get roped into thinking that their only options involve dating someone that also has this. The pool did get smaller in the sense that some people won't see past your H and respect/love you for who you are. But really, did you want to be with those people anyway? Think of H as a filter that helps weed out jerks. The fact is, millions of people with H are dating millions of people without H. That's not something to make you feel better; that's a hard fact about this condition and how common it is. What becomes difficult is disclosing, but there are a LOT of resources that can help guide you through that process, including here at this website. Yes, it does mean having an uncomfortable conversation and yes very well could involve getting rejected. But they aren't rejecting you, they are scared of something that they don't fully understand. If you want some helpful links, just let me know. 

Ask yourself what it is that makes you attractive to other people, both physically and in terms of your personality. Try to understand that all of none of that goes away because of H. If millions and millions of other people with H can find love and happiness, what makes you the exception? It's a bit like jumping into a lake. but once you get things going again you'll be fine. 

[sweetlove884]

I've experimented a bit on regular dating apps. I posted a thread here about my experience. My method was to disclose quickly after matching. That way I wasn't emotionally invested in the outcome. 

Bottom line--about 1/6 of my matches hung around. Some simply disappeared, but the remainder were all sweet and understanding. So it was nothing to fear. 

[Ishmael]

5 hours ago, sweetlove884 said:

I've experimented a bit on regular dating apps. I posted a thread here about my experience. My method was to disclose quickly after matching. That way I wasn't emotionally invested in the outcome. 

Bottom line--about 1/6 of my matches hung around. Some simply disappeared, but the remainder were all sweet and understanding. So it was nothing to fear. 

Your mileage may very, but I think a more effective tactic might be to get to know someone a bit first and go on a couple dates. That way you get a sense of who it is worth disclosing to and then they have a better sense of who you are and if they are willing to take a risk. Ultimately, do what makes you feel best, but that's my 2 cents. 

[sweetlove884]

Yes I see what you're saying, but I don't have all that time to invest. It's just not possible for me.  

And on the apps, matches are plentiful, so it works. If I only had a few prospects, my method wouldn't be ideal. 

[Iwillbeok]

@sweetlove884 @Ishmael thank you guys for your comments. Right now I’m telling people the story of the break up and they’re all saying “get back on the saddle, you’ll meet someone quickly” and I just whisper to myself “but i have H ... who’s gonna want me?” I KNOW, that is silly talk, but it’s like the diagnosis just happened all over again. I’m doing the self love thing hard right now. Therapist, gym, spa, church, shopping.... what ever makes me feel good. I just wish I had live people I could talk to. I need to find an in person support group l, so I can see real people. I know I WILL be ok (like my user name) but right now it’s pity party of 1.... 

[sweetlove884]

Breakups are hard. Give yourself a little time. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Hugs. 

[Ishmael]

3 hours ago, Iwillbeok said:

@sweetlove884 @Ishmael thank you guys for your comments. Right now I’m telling people the story of the break up and they’re all saying “get back on the saddle, you’ll meet someone quickly” and I just whisper to myself “but i have H ... who’s gonna want me?” I KNOW, that is silly talk, but it’s like the diagnosis just happened all over again. I’m doing the self love thing hard right now. Therapist, gym, spa, church, shopping.... what ever makes me feel good. I just wish I had live people I could talk to. I need to find an in person support group l, so I can see real people. I know I WILL be ok (like my user name) but right now it’s pity party of 1.... 

It's okay to go through the pity party stage of a break up. It's normal and even healthy, as long as you maintain some perspective, which it sounds like you're doing. 

[Lonelygirl88]

On 1/3/2019 at 7:45 PM, Iwillbeok said:

@sweetlove884 @Ishmael thank you guys for your comments. Right now I’m telling people the story of the break up and they’re all saying “get back on the saddle, you’ll meet someone quickly” and I just whisper to myself “but i have H ... who’s gonna want me?” I KNOW, that is silly talk, but it’s like the diagnosis just happened all over again. I’m doing the self love thing hard right now. Therapist, gym, spa, church, shopping.... what ever makes me feel good. I just wish I had live people I could talk to. I need to find an in person support group l, so I can see real people. I know I WILL be ok (like my user name) but right now it’s pity party of 1.... 

I want live people too. I just moved to a different state and so I know no one..it sucks and I did find a live support group but it is like an hour and half away from me uggh of course it would be. For me though, I'm ready to be single for a while.. getting diagnosed with this has made me hate sex and no want it anymore  .. being in a realtionship which yes I understand, it was just a shitty one , but being in it made things stressful,and depressed, and angry... I was more stressed then I was happy and that is sad. I mean if a man comes falling into my lap the great I'll take him but I'm definitely not going to be looking or anything. I have become unhappy with myself for years before h and now I am becoming even more unrecognizable to myself. I am going to try to make myself happy now... Do what ever the hell I want and not have to answer for nothing. Ya I'll miss sex sometimes but look where sex has gotten me.. sorry for my rant lol 

[alllgood]

15 hours ago, Lonelygirl88 said:

I want live people too. I just moved to a different state and so I know no one..it sucks and I did find a live support group but it is like an hour and half away from me uggh of course it would be. For me though, I'm ready to be single for a while.. getting diagnosed with this has made me hate sex and no want it anymore  .. being in a realtionship which yes I understand, it was just a shitty one , but being in it made things stressful,and depressed, and angry... I was more stressed then I was happy and that is sad. I mean if a man comes falling into my lap the great I'll take him but I'm definitely not going to be looking or anything. I have become unhappy with myself for years before h and now I am becoming even more unrecognizable to myself. I am going to try to make myself happy now... Do what ever the hell I want and not have to answer for nothing. Ya I'll miss sex sometimes but look where sex has gotten me.. sorry for my rant lol 

I honestly think this is my main problem. It's been a year for me and im still depressed and haven't gotten back out there, but the problem is the sex and relationships I had previously in addition to having H. I've always struggled with self love and my only relationship was mentally abusive and draining. when it ended I was just getting into the college scene and back to my happy self (as happy as I ever was... not ever fully), and I had a lot of sex. Being diagnosed has made me hate sex and all of these things, but I get sad because even though, I know I need to focus on my future and not guys at this moment, I wish I had hope for when the time comes I'll be able to disclose and accept myself. I really wanna go out and have sex but the thought of it is terrifying because I feel like it led me to the darkest part of myself. I completely feel you on this lol.