whatsallthehubbub

\O/ :) good for you!

First. Welcome .. and to steal from dancer.. (((hugs)) i hope you have read the material available in these forums and know the percentages for transmission.. for me.. knowing the numbers help.. we have all been where you are now.. believe it or not.. it gets better.. and its going to be ok... over time you will come to realize that.... i know your sad.. but as it stands right now... you have herpes.. your partner knows it and is still by your side.. means he loves you for you.. and thats awesome! Your out in front of your condition best you can be.. and your here.. where the information is correct and peeps are supportive.. i encourage you to keep posting.. :)

S&M ... as a herpes preventive. .. disclosure conversation could be "good news i have herpes! Great news now we can get all sorts of kinky!!" Lol guess we can call it the 50 shades method. :)

Well.. let me start with him...since him is who i know.. although it is him taking the risk,and i more than agree that he should be the one setting the rules for sex..that being said.. he either loves you enough to accept the risk.. (i assume he knows the percentages) or he doesnt. That half way acceptance thing he appears to have is far more harmful than walking away. Imo he either trusts you enough for YOU to tell him when sex is not at option.. or he doesnt. When he tells you no based on his own fear.. i think it becomes unacceptable for YOU. this is a all or nothing condition,means he accepts the risk 100% or not at all. Now.. you : tainted? That is a aw full lot of power your giving to a skin condition. Your feelings are tied to the stigma of herpes (as is his) and not the reality of it. Herpes wont kill you,it eventually for most peeps over time becomes nothing but a inconvenience: suicide however is forever.. if you decide on that route.. you did so not because of your condition but because some clever marketing caused a unfair stigma.. you will have done so out of peer pressure.. and that just seems absurd to me. Your not alone in Your condition or the powerful emotion tied to it,i encourage you to keep talking to the peeps you see here or other support groups. For right now remember that the important things that make you you are the same.. ((((hugs))) it really is going to be ok.

:) congrats!!!

Good luck we are all rooting for you. ! :)

You make decisions based on the information your given: most wont admit to past mistakes because it then makes them the evil thing known as the "Giver" that cruel sadistic selfish uncaring POS that put us all in the herpes boat.. knowing what we know NOW about herpes of course ANYTHING less than full disclosure the instant you think it might get intimate would be insidious. ..BUT there was time we were told that you couldnt spread it with out having sex during a outbreak.. . I have already admitted to transmitting herpes to another.... i did everything with in my power to be responsible based on the information i was give at the time. I feel guilty about that.. im not sure that's avoidable.. but for me it just gets down to intent . When its all said and done they have it you gave it to them they will never be the same you cant undo it.. and no amount of suffering on my part changes any of that. Im inclined to believe if they killed themselves over a no life threatening condition they have issues bigger than herpes.

To dancer. Ill fail at be worthy of that depth of love. . Regardless of how well i love her back.. it will never measure up to that sort of forgiveness ,understanding and courage. No man could ever hope to match the depth of her heart. But ill die trying . My herpes story does end there.. it has dominated my actions long enough.. from now till i die my story will be of "jane and me" and the wonderful honest love filled life i hope to have. Herpes is relegated to just a thing... like money or time... something to be managed ,not something that dominates my every decision. ( funny how acceptance and knowledge make herpes next to nothing) I am indeed a very lucky man. More importantly ..she is a exceptional woman.

Im not sure what to say here.. but want to acknowledge her contribution to this site... for me it was just good to know there was someone who had this for a long time and understood it wasnt a death sentence .. not mortally or emotionally .. her post provide levity .. imho. Thanks dancer

I got herpes in 1998 from someone im pretty sure meant to give it to me. A angry woman who decided she would get even with me over some imagined slight. 7 days after contact with her .. i got a rash. as i work outside in the heat having a rash there was more common than uncommon so when it didn't go away until the weekend where i took 2 days off i assumed it was nothing. the only thing odd about it was the length of time it took to for it to go away... but appeared to go away when i did what you would do for a rash. i spent the next couple of years single.. where i began to notice that now and again. when i got that rash in that particular spot.. it took longer than it should have to go away... but no blisters.. so clearly this cant be herpes.. by 2001 when i began a committed relationship with ''jane'' i knew there was something not quite right .. but no need to worry .. it cant be herpes.. there are no blisters. Still.. i avoided sex when i had this rash, you know just in case. The second summer with jane while i was at work.. i felt my rash.. only this time it was different..it hurt.. it had itched before but never hurt, so sometime after lunch.. i ducked into the only private place around.. a porta potty and took a look.. and there in a place i had no business having a rash were 2 blisters staring right at me as if to say ''deny this moron'' ( port a potty perfect place for herpes confirmation btw) and instantly i have a huge problem: how do i tell jane: do i tell jane?: in my arrogance and ignorance i decided to keep it to my self ( here is where you all get to call me bad names) I was told by a nurse you couldn't spread herpes unless you had sex with a outbreak, a completely evil thing to do... a thing i didn't do when i didn't know what it was.. certainly not going to do that when i do know... so my arrogance said i could control this.. my ignorance supported this. I began to avoid sex, and all things that might lead to that.. the women on this forum can attest to what that will do to a relationship.. she stayed as long as she could.. we broke up about a year later. We remained friendly and because sex wasn't even a possibility anymore.. i actually began to talk to her more than i ever did when we were together.. and at some point i told her.. about my condition.. about what i knew about it.. i asked her if she ever had this symptom or that.. and she says no.. so at this point we both are secure in the knowledge that she doesn't have it. well as time goes by. she moves on to another.. as do i. and we lose contact with each other. 9 years later thru the magic of facebook i run into jane again.. she just got out of a 9 year relationship.. and i hadnt been with anyone for 8 years.... by this time i lived in a different state than her. well.. we began to talk.. and it was clear that this old relationship may be renewed... and just when i began to feel normal.. when i thought all was perfect she asks me .. ''was it you that told me that you had herpes?".. and..i lied. i said no no it wasn't me.. i thought why would i mess this up.. i have a outbreak 1 or 2 times a year.. and i wont transmit this.. i didn't last time.. why lose this over the stigma and fear of herpes and not the reality of it. So.. one thing leads to another ..i quit my DAMN good job and move back ''home'' to be with her.. ( ok before you women rake me over the coals... i still thought a this time transmission only by direct contact with a blister and since by this time i knew days before an outbreak.. there was no chance of me giving this to her and NO i didn't bother to research herpes.. i was single.. and had been for quite awhile there was no need in it, unless they came up with a cure it didn't much matter to me).. So here we are.. 2 months into my new old relationship.. and things were just awesome. When it occurs to me.. maybe i should check into Valtrex.. if it will shorten my rare and short lived outbreaks.. why not?.. so.. i google Valtrex.. and a whole new world opens up to me.. google Valtrex.. decreases viral shedding.. google viral shedding.. OMG.. oh shit oh shit oh shit.. wtf is this?? I began to understand that i could never zero this out.. there was never going to be a 0% chance of me not transmitting this to her.. i cant control this. my ignorance and arrogance just put the woman i love with all of me at risk.. the numbers say.. 10% .. for days i poured over everything i could find about herpes.. and the more i learned the more i understood that i had to tell her.. yes ..im going to lose her.. if not for herpes for lying.. yes the i can get it down to 5% without her knowledge.. 3% if i ninja condoms in there now and again.. but never 0% and anything above 0 was to much. For the next week i had to keep myself from crying everytime i looked at her..it was near Christmas.. i didn't want to shatter our fairy tale at Christmas..nor could i bare seeing her feeling unloved by me.. so ..it just had to be done. So on a sunday.. as she went upstairs to shower.. i told her we needed to talk.. . and i just told her all of it. from the beginning. just everything.. i told her the numbers.. told her she needed to be tested.. everything i had just learned.. and as she casually strolled to the bathroom taking off her shirt... i thought .. oh shit she is going catatonic on me.. i began to desperately try to explain to her the importance of getting tested.. that denial wasn't going to help... she gets to the bathroom .. reaches into the medicine cabinet and tosses me a bottle.. its Valtrex. as i read the label she says '' i have this spot on the outside of my thigh that was diagnosed as shingles.. until my dermatologist seen it and said.. that's herpes. . And she gets in the shower..... she says... '' you should have told me.. back then.. as soon as you knew''. i agreed.. . after some more discussion ..i came to the conclusion that it was probably me that gave her herpes.. i asked her if she was aware of this fact.. she said.. yes. and then i asked.. 'how can you not want to kill me.. or at least end this" and she says.. would it change anything about it?.. i said.. nope.. but how can you stay with me.. and she says because i love you. i don't have the words nor the capacity to understand them if did.. that kind of love. I can only get up everyday and try to be worthy of it. knowing .. im going to fail. This is where my story ends.

Like most I have lurked in these forums for a bit before posting.. id like to say .. wow.. wish I knew this site existed when I discovered my status. I have had herpes since 98, I became ''aware'' 2002 I realize this sounds silly until you add in a dash of arrogance and a armful of denial. I discovered this site a few weeks ago, and although I have long ago dealt with my status as best as I knew how.. it was a relief to see that there were others...I have since the beginning thought this was a rare dark thing no one discussed. I had this belief until I discovered this site.. yes.. that long. The information in these forums changed my life. so hats off to whomever created this... It has real value.. especially to newly diagnosed. So I guess a formal introduction is next. I am male, early 40s and I have genital herpes. what type.. I don't know.. im working on that. My status changed 2 weeks after i broke up with a girl, a friend of a friend who called me and said she wanted to talk... that's not what she wanted.. and it took me 4 years to get the full meaning of her saying 'i wanted to make sure you wouldn't forget me''. 15 years of having herpes i can honestly say this about it. whats all the hub bub.. its not really that big of a deal.. obviously if you have a choice of herpes or not herpes.. take the not herpes route but my experience with it tells me the stigma attached to it is blown way way out of proportion .. i thought this was my own view of it.. and clearly i must be a ''lucky'' guy to get some magical version of herpes that didn't match up with the world ending hype.. till i got here. so i salute whomever created this place. O7