Unbroken

You got this. We all do. No fear :)

"I refused to let a rash beat me and I won." Yep, me too. And we still win no matter what garbage the mass media is spewing out. Life is too short and precious, stay focused on you, not them.

Hi J. Sorry to hear about that as well. I've had my share of that reaction, I think any of us who have the integrity to tell other people have more than once. Just my 2 cents, take it or leave it and like np said, it's easier said than done. But that doesn't mean it's undoable. Firstly, he has the right to have that reaction. I don't agree with it and none of us may agree with his reaction, and you're correct, it's motivated by the stigma not the facts. And it speaks to his inability to accept things. I know you want to try to "turn" him. I'm sure he had many desirable qualities but also realize we all tend to idealize other people and think "Oh THIS is the one, they're couldn't be another". There's not just another, there's better, there's the one who will accept all of you. And he is truly remarkable (you just haven't met him yet). And regardless of what conditions you happen to be living with, H or no H, there is life after rejection. It's a problem with their ability to accept. It is NOT a problem with you. Keep your head up.

Great thread!

xrcb - good job man, I'm really happy for you. I've disclosed quite a few times and quality, rational people do NOT freak out. bigmoreno1 - I just replied to a similar post with someone who is having confidence / fear of rejection issues as well. Hopefully you can get something from it: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/comment/17825#Comment_17825

First off, you seem to have posted this twice, hopefully the site admin can merge the comments into one post. Back to your post :) I can for sure and probably many others. I too got it from a partner who had stopped taking suppressive therapy and absolutely did not discuss it with me beforehand. She was my wife at the time and I was a much different person then. I started all kinds of stupid rationalizations like "We'll always be married, so it doesn't matter if I get it" and things like that. Suffice to say, we are no longer married and it does matter that I got it. I should have started using condoms that day or walked out entirely, but I didn't. I struggled for a long time with how angry I was over her doing that to me. (H isn't the reason we divorced by the way, we were a terrible match all around). So I found myself divorced, 40 and with a case herpes. Fantastic, you can imagine how desirable I felt. It does take time to find peace with the condition. I can offer up some ideas that have helped me. First, the physical outbreaks, in my case and from what I read, in most cases, they get less frequent and less painful each time. I've had it 6 years and at this point, I break out once year, if that, and I don't feel any pain at all anymore. Second, such large portion of the population has some form of HSV and you've really got to get your head around that. Use the material on this site, get very educated - you're not going to have to settle for anybody. Between how many people have this condition and how many rational human beings without it are willing to manage it with people they care about, there's no reason to think like that. I've turned down multiple partners, some with H, some without, simply because I don't feel the person is the one I'm waiting for. Third and this is biggie, you're going to have to get over the fear of rejection. I personally sought some mental health counselling and it was a huge help. You might consider it. Support groups are fantastic as well. You've got to get to the point where you feel normal with H, not abnormal. Reality is, rejection is a problem with the person rejection you, not you. I live by the mantra, life is simply too short to let a fear of rejection determine my actions. You'll notice my face is displayed proudly here, it does not bother me any longer if people know I have H. There is life after rejection. Now I'll share a really advanced one with you. Save it for later if you must, but hopefully you'll get where I'm coming from (I can take no credit for it) - If you so choose, revealing this to someone, very casually and the appropriate time, in that 6 second time span, you will learn more about that person's personality, maturity level, and true motivations than you could have learned spending WEEKS trying to get to know that person. If they go "eek, get away from me" or the like, you don't want to know that person anyway. Anytime someone freaks out when they hear it from me, I have to chuckle a bit as if to say "You just saved me COUNTLESS hours of my life that I would have wasted getting to know you better, that I could have never gotten back." If they show sincere concern, not a pity party, not a woe is you, but sincere concern and a desire to learn more about it, that is a person you want to know. Welcome. Again, become a sponge, use the site. Watch this, read everything else: http://herpeslife.com/video-herpes-facts/

You rock and so does he!

Just to add, I was with someone who had H for 7 years before I got it and it was because of carelessness. It's a VERY manageable condition.

Time to shed the bubble there, bubblegirl :)

We are legion, whattodo. He has a skin condition that we all share and are managing.

You are clearly freaking that's what's likely causing your weight issues. Do yourself a favor, #1 calm down. #2, read #1 again. #3, you're in a massive group of people. The first thing this stupid virus does is make you feel like your the only person on the planet with it. That is bullshit. 1 in 6 people have it, that's something like 25 million people in America alone. Next time you are in a restaurant of 100 people, just realize statistically 16 of those people have genital herpes. Still feel alone? Just eat normally and chill. You have friends here as well even though you don't know it yet.

This fear always fascinates me. Chill please: http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/johns_hopkins_bayview/medical_services/specialty_care/infectious_diseases/center_for_reproductive_tract_infections/frequently_asked_questions_about_herpes.html#transmitted_to_other_parts_of_my_body

Horray for you! Anyone who would not disclose this and have sex with someone is not worth staying with. I'm proud of and happy for you.

I'm so big on disclosing, yet I'm bigger on SCIENCE. Love this thread. Everybody keep their head up. Value facts, disparage speculation.

Hi Prin, From what I've read, and it seems true in my experience as well, the first year is when you'll get the most frequent outbreaks, then it starts to settle down. I've had it 6 years now and I break out once a year if that and I literally have to visually notice I'm broken out because I don't feel any discomfort any more. It gets better. Not sure about the food thing, I've never altered my diet.

As to living with it, if you have it even, the first thing you'll feel (if your'e anything like me) is you're the only person in the world with it. That is BS. You'll also think it is going to be painful and frequent. That is also BS. Find out for sure, then come back. Read everything Dancer has provided as well.

From everything I've ever read and from personal experience, yes. Outbreaks get less severe / less frequent over time. After the first year you'll really start to notice.

My two cents - I've had it for over 5 years. I take no suppressive therapy and I break out once a year, if that, and it's barely noticeable. My outbreaks stopped being painful after the first few years. H very commonly gets milder as time goes on, so you have every reason to be hopeful.

Wow, that is huge. Thanks for the info.

Thanks. I am sincerely glad to be here. We got this. I've had it since 08.

I sincerely hope my story helps someone. My name is Jeff. I'm 44. I'm 6' 3". I'm fit, a good looking guy, and I own a successful business. I'm intelligent, caring, honest, and one of the most confident people I know. And I haven't asked a woman out in 4 years. I divorced in 2010. Part of my 4 year hiatus was the fact that I needed to learn to be alone. Happy alone. I had defined myself only in the context of being with someone for a long time. A very long time. That needed to change. And it did. The only problem was, once I found I could be happy alone, herpes made me doubt ever being with someone again. That's how the last year of my life went. I dropped into a funk where I did nothing but work for the most part. I'd go out to eat every once in a while when I could force myself. Then I'd look around and marvel at the fact that I was the only one in the restaurant not in a group, or with their family, or with a female. At one point, a wise friend of mine could sense my depression and asked me what went through my mind in social situations. "What do you do when you see a pretty girl sitting by herself? What goes through your head?" That's easy. The absolute first thing that happens is a voice rings in my head that says "You have genital herpes. You can't speak to her. You aren't to ask anyone on a date. You CAN'T ask anyone out." And so that was how it went, for a long, long time. Then a few weeks ago, I committed to taking my first vacation in 6 years. Some part of me on some level had had it. It was telling me I needed a break and that it was ok to take one. So I booked a week at a nice hotel on the beach and decided I'd take it easy and recharge. And I did. I laid on the beach, I ate at the 5 restaurants that were in the hotel, I worked out, I slept, I shopped, I went sight seeing, I did all the normal vacation things. And every day I would come back to the hotel lobby and pass the hotel bar. The bar was right off the lobby. And I would walk by it on my way to the elevators and that voice in my head would go through it's familiar routine. "I don't want to be there, it's crowded. I might meet a woman, and I can't do that. I can't chance giving this to someone. I would have to tell her right up front and I can't fathom how that would go." So I'd walk by and go back to my room and lose myself in a book or maybe grab a glass of wine and play a game on my tablet until I fell asleep. I had practiced the talk in my head a million times. I had "perfected" it. It was thoughtful and factual. Any rational female, I thought, would understand and be open to being educated. Yet with all the confidence I possess in a business setting or any other social situation, I just could not bring myself to ever say it. I was so utterly afraid of how "she" would react. Then one night, probably 4 or 5 nights into my stay, I passed that bar again. Mind you, I'm not suggesting a bar is any kind of human apex or something to aspire to hang out in every waking hour, but that bar represented something to me. It represented human socialization. It became an ideal, not a bar. That night, the voice did it's normal thing. But, rather unexpectedly, another voice talked back. It stood up, it spoke up, and it talked back. And for the first time in years, it asserted itself. It said "I want to be there. People are there and I want to be there. I'm not going up to my room, I want to be with people. I'm a human being and we're social creatures. And I AM going in there." And did I ever go in there. It was as if a switch was turned on. I spoke to any and everyone. I spoke to beautiful women. I spoke to men who wanted to talk to me about the Miami Heat game that was on the television. I had conversations with the 2 bartenders (female, but alas married) who to this day would remember me, not a doubt in my mind. I had an amazing conversation with a couple, him 88, her 90, who were there for the weekend AND were sexually active. And she commented that everyone I know must be trying to set me up with someone. And all of them were lovely. And I didn't care about having sex that night. I didn't care about getting a phone number or a Facebook invite. I just wanted to be human again, and I WAS. And that was the beginning of the end of the stigma. The end of the diseased, divorced person that I saw myself as. On that trip, I stopped being divorced, and I started being single. I stopped having a disease, and started having manageable condition. Something clicked, and it was wonderful. Fast forward to today. Last week I joined every dating site I could find. And I'm having conversations with perspective mates knowing full well the talk is coming. And if they freak out and respond to the stigma, so be it. Why? Because the last few months have taught me something. I love humans. I love me and I love interacting with other human beings. It's what evolution has wired me and all of us to do. And it is extraordinary. I had forgotten. This stigma of herpes had me to forget how much I love to be social. And now I remember. And I don't fear anything. There is one moment to live in. And it's now. And I'm finally doing that. Reject me because I have herpes? Refuse to be open and receptive to scientific facts? Go ahead. You've saved me precious time. You see you've taught me more about your personality in the last 30 seconds than I could have learned in a month. And you've simply missed out on spending time with an extraordinary member of the human race. I'm back. I look forward to being here and interacting with all of you. - Jeff