ShaeShae

Thank you so much for your kind words, @PositivelyBeautiful. I know this is going to help me continue to turn things around. Am I still scared? Absolutely! Am I still riding the emotional waves of depression? Absolutely! But I feel relief right now. For the first time since my diagnosis. Like salve on a burn, I feel nothing but healing relief and a sense of not only purpose, but that this feeling of exhaustion and despair is lifting.

Hi all! Just wanted to jump on in a quiet moment that I'm having between my Facebook and phone straight blowing up! I was going to delay a little longer, not completely sure if I was ready. But with the encouragement of a couple of close friends, my counselor, and @JessikaRabbit89, I came out about 20 minutes ago! The response has been overwhelming from the get-go! Nothing but love and support pouring in from all sides right now! I made the right choice. I did the right thing. Can't say without a significant amount of nervousness though. I couldn't sleep last night, knowing that I wanted to do this today. It felt like going to bed on Christmas Eve, the excitement was so intense! And now I sit here, having said what cannot be unsaid to all of my closest friends and family. My palms are sweating profusely. I'm shaking like a leaf. And nauseous as all get-out. But I did it! I did it and I'm glad! @JessikaRabbit89. . . I could not have done this without you.

I don't know that I'm exactly the person to give advice just yet, but I felt I could throw in my two cents. I've only known about my H for 3 months. And I am learning in leaps and bounds, all there is to know about living with this. And with that I am learning that there is a choice I must make. Every day. Every day I have to decide that the life I have always wanted can still be possible. I want a husband and children. And even when I don't trust myself, I still look in the mirror every morning and make a promise to myself to at least try. Am I scared? Hell yes! Am I still depressed? Absolutely. I cover a full spectrum of emotion every day. And I am preparing to disclose again, for my second time ever, after Christmas. The fact that I feel I can do it, reminds me that I must have some kind of courage in me, somewhere, otherwise how could I ever do it? You have to push through the terror and fight for what you want, as I am fighting every day. I am digging deep in my reserves, which is exhausting. But you have to.

Darn it! I have yet to find even one fellow Oregonian on here! Convinced I'm the only Typhoid Mary in this awful state LOL Here's some cool song lyrics I'm rocking today: "Changes come keep your dignity take the high road take it like a man Momma said like the rain this too shall pass like a kidney stone this too shall pass it's just a broken heart, son this pain will pass away" -Puscifer "Momma Sed"

It's an empowering moment when you realize a guy isn't worth your tears anymore. Puttin' on your "Big Girl Britches"!! I'm in Oregon. What state are you in?

@JessikaRabbit89, anytime you want to talk. . I think we have a lot of ideas and experiences we could share. I'd like to say it gets easier right away but there are still raw, painful moments for me. Even going to the grocery store last night and driving by the tree in the parking lot where we met for the first time. Maybe I just shouldn't shop there anymore. It's made more painful by the fact that he accepted me at first and we were passionately intimate for our first time shortly thereafter. . . And then I don't know what happened.

It's perfectly okay to feel what you are feeling. That is normal. I disclosed the day after the call from my doc, to my boyfriend. . . A wonderfully warm and kind hearted soul, who never spoke ill of anyone, and filled my life with love and laughter. And all of that was destroyed in an instant as he then revealed his vanity and selfishness to me. He tried to make me understand that because he was a food server at a restaurant, he couldn't possibly get one of those "disgusting sores" on his face ever. He threw away everything because he couldn't shake the fear of ruining his pretty, pretty face. He said "I know I will never find another woman like you. I will never blend so well with another as I blend with you". . . . His loss. And I still ache for him. Finally had to move out of my apartment because the memories there became too much to bear. And now with a fresh perspective, a new view, and a great counselor, I am learning how to let go of loving him.

You are absolutely correct @WCSDancer2010, I am not emotionally stable enough to break out publicly yet. But I searched and searched and finally found a counselor that accepts my health insurance! We met today for my first consultation. We talked mostly about H, and my current feelings about it, and my goals of where I want to be. His compassion and humanity toward me was so comforting. Our plan by the end of this session is for him to challenge me. To challenge my misconceptions of myself and challenge me to fight back for what I deserve. I meet with him again in a month to further discuss a game plan as far as coming out to my friends and other family. I want to find my self love again, to break out of this shame I have carried. I want to feel alive again!

Hearing about the amazing feedback you've received. . . Makes me want to do this too. Come out publicly. I feel it could truly empower me in many ways to heal and love myself again, with the support of my friends and family by my side. Because how can they support me if they do not know? I feel like, in the small community that I live in, it could help since there are no local resources for us H+ folks here. I can learn more about self acceptance and self love by contacting other local people like me. My new counselor even encouraged me to do so at our session this morning. If you don't mind, @JessikaRabbit89, I would love if I could borrow some of your words to compose a post of my own?

I was just sitting the other day, reading over a bunch of random threads in the forum. The word "Acyclovir" was popping up a lot. Call me ignorant if you will, but before H, I had no idea what it was taken/prescribed for. And like a freight train it hit me. I had seen this word before. A label on a bottle in my ex-boyfriend's sock drawer. He had been looking for something he lost and asked me to poke through the drawers and there it was in the back behind his socks. AND HE NEVER TOLD ME. Not once was this sad excuse for a man able to produce balls enough to tell me the truth and let me decide for myself!! I could be surprised but since he turned out to be what he was, it all makes sense. Tell your partners, people! I know I always will. And I may spend the rest of my life alone because of that. And I fear that I will still. But at least I've got "lady balls" enough to tell the truth, even if it dooms me.

@JessikaRabbit89 THANK YOU. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 3 months out from my diagnosis and I have been in hell. But I came back to the forum tonight after being away for a few days. And yours was the top thread of the list tonight. And it has given me hope, like I haven't felt since receiving that life altering phone call from my doctor. I have been sunk in one of my deepest depressions ever since. But tonight at least, reading this, feels like the first warm breeze after a cold, cold Winter. Thank you for lending your strength out to those of us who feel we don't have any right now.

And that is how I saw it. Because I have been bargaining every day since I found out. But Paul Giamatti has yet to show up in my living room. *Sigh*. . . . . And I think that even with the potential for offensiveness (She is truthfully one of the more abrasive comediennes in the biz today). She got me to laugh. Not at others but at myself. And I haven't laughed in so long. And that is a tragedy, as I so love to laugh. It is a good example of stigma in the media though, in a way.

I kind of could not help but share this. Because oddly enough it made me laugh at myself for the first time since my disgnosis. Plus who doesn't love Paul Giamatti?? Inside Amy Schumer - Herpes Scare:

I am in the SAME BOAT. Found out, disclosed, he dumped me. I have immediately thrown myself back into the world of dating though I am nowhere near emotionally ready to do so, except that it's going to take me about 10 million years to find a guy who won't be thoroughly disgusted at the thought of touching me. So the longer I go without trying to find him is completely wasted time. So you're not alone there. funny enough H dominates my thoughts throughout normal everyday activities as well. Oh, I'm making a cup of coffee, and I have herpes. I'm driving in my car singing along to the radio, and I have herpes. I'm talking on the phone to my mom and I still have herpes. It is so unbelievably frustrating I just want to scream!!! Let me know if you find out how to make all the nonsense stop.

Anybody else in Oregon? I don't have anybody local. Or at least roughly in my area. Anybody.

I'm experiencing the same problem lately but this is thankfully something I do not attribute to my H. I think it's the weather. It's drying out my sinuses too, pretty badly. I'd confidently say you've got "Winter Skin".

Thanks to all who have taken the time to respond. I'm in such a very very dark place right now. I have not considered anti-virals, having only ever had 1 outbreak. I will not take anti-depressants again. I have done that before in the past when I was borderline suicidal. I don't believe in anti-depressants. They are a lie. They are merely a chemical to trick your brain into thinking it's happy when they are nothing but a pharmaceutical crutch. They made me extremely sick anyway. The physical withdrawals when I attempted to go off of them were too much. It took numerous attempts to quit taking them, the withdrawals causing minor seizures, hallucinations and overwhelming panic attacks that felt like my heart would burst from my chest. @Beachdude1984, I live on the Oregon Coast. We have prevalent oceanic marshlands and sloughs in my neck of the woods. The majority of our birds are Mallard and Pintail with a mix of Widgeon, Gadwall, Northern Shoveler, Teal, Ringneck, Greater & Lesser Canadian Geese. My season began in October and runs through mid-January. I had relative success in the beginning of the season (I'm still a newbie, this being only my second season) but suddenly I'm freezing up. I've practically got a bird in my lap and I've either shouldered or almost shouldered the rifle and I just. . . . stop. Case in point this morning when a hen pintail was right in my face and my dad (my hunting partner) ended up dumping her before she managed to get away. She should have been mine, but I'm so in my own head that I keep freezing. The one thing I care about this time of year and I'm suddenly too emotionally crippled to do it. @inka, There are currently no financial compromises I can make at this time, with a car payment that will be hanging over my head until March. My best bet is to hang on like hell until then. Though I am beginning to feel myself "fading away" again like I did once 10 years ago. @ihaveittoo, there are unfortunately no support groups in my area. I live in a very small area (approx. 25,000 population), an area full of ignorance and an all-over lack of support for any sort of personal issue that anybody may be going through. People here don't care and worse, if you show any sort of weakness the ass backwards judgement could kill a person here, and has before. I have no group to reach out to. I think it would make me feel so much better though if I had somebody here to talk to. Somebody I could relax with, with a hot mug of tea and just talk. I literally just before logging on, attempted to talk to my sister. Mid-sentence, she said "uh-huh" and walked out of the room before I was even done talking. . . . That's what I have for an "ear" around here. People that walk away before I'm even done talking! And as far as the disclosure issue, I'm so scared because I've been "that girl" that guys tend to dump anyway for other, much more petty issues. I'm a major oddball, I know. I try not to think it's a problem except that everybody but me seems to think that's a major handicap on my part. Add herpes to that and I've just signed my love life's death warrant. I'm 29 years old and I come home alone every night to be alone in my apartment (aside from a couple cats), where I eat dinner alone, and sleep alone. I feel as if I am facing the rest of my life. . .

Well, just like my title says, I am quite depressed. And very quickly spiraling. And I don't know how to deal anymore! I had recently entered counseling since my diagnosis but have already had to discontinue, finances being an issue. Counseling is just too expensive!!! So I no longer have anyone to talk to. And the burden of that feeling is weighing me down by the minute. I personally know 2 people who have H. They have been absolutely no help. One is a doctor so didn't give me personal or "human" advice. She gave me a pile of WebMD printouts and other crap which any person can do. But as far as being my friend, she failed. The other kind of shrugged her shoulders and said "welcome to my world". . . Nice. All I want to do is sleep. And sometimes I wish I wouldn't wake up. The nightmares I have in my sleep are nothing compared to the nightmare my life has become. I am late for work on a regular basis now, due to the fact that the physical effort to drag my useless self out of bed in the morning is becoming too much. I have burned up the greater majority of my vacation and sick time at work, being unable to go in and face people anymore. My head aches and my body aches all the time. I have still been duck hunting regularly with my dad but my effort in that arena has become such that I am essentially a glorified decoy packer, my ability to even lift my gun having become too much. I am losing my passion for everything. I am losing my passion for life. I am still dating a nice man but already thinking of a reason other than H that I can break up with him before having to disclose. My ability to be positive in any way about this. . . I have lost that altogether. I'm barely eating anymore (going upwards of 18+ hours without eating sometimes) and I've stopped exercising. The problem is all of the horrendous health issues I already had before this ghastly diagnosis was dumped on me. And the added weight of it has caused me to buckle completely. The word "hope" no longer exists in my vocabulary. I need help. I need a new life. One that does not include H because I can already no longer bear it. I want to be normal again. I need help.

@WCSDancer2010 I think the greater majority of her ignorance and stupidity comes with the territory of who she is as a person. She is a Jehovah's Witness. Her whole world revolves around her completely self-righteous purity and untainted "godliness" or whatever. I think she is wholly unaware of how judgemental and hurtful a culture she resides in. There is no educating her.

I got something like that at work recently too. My conversation went a little like this: Coworker: Going to the home football game tonight? It's supposed to be a good one... Me: Actually, I was thinking about it. I know my parents are going. But I know my dad's friend [name] is bound to be there and he tends to make me pretty uncomfortable. Coworker: How so? Me: Well, he's really "touchy feely" a lot of the time. Always has to pinch and poke on other women. With his wife right there and she never says anything! I don't get it. Coworker: Well, just try not to sit anywhere near him. Or if you do and he starts getting handsy with you, just tell him you have something gross. . . Like herpes! Whaaaaaa?!?!!? The words "But I do" nearly fell right out of my mouth at that moment. But she shares a somewhat confined workspace with me. And I can't go the rest of whatever knowing that she thinks I am "gross".... I had to get up and walk away for a bit, whereupon my coworker who does know came out with me to comfort me as I quickly became visibly upset. It has been nothing short of uncomfortable ever since, knowing that in her own ignorant, childish way, she is judging me and all my kind as "gross" and literally untouchable! Not just intimately, but in every way! I will not take on the responsibility of educating her. Her ignorance, stupidity and insensitivity leave me speechless.

I've seen REO Speedwagon three times. Most recently in late September. What a great show!! Their energy is out of this world!

@seeker it's not phone friendly at all which sucks because that's 95% of the time I'm on here, every day. Speaking as a woman, I suppose it's easier to say men would be more judgemental. It's really a 50/50 shot because our world is full of cruelty and vanity. I have only been rejected once (so far) and his choice of words stabbed me in the heart and twisted the knife. Like I chose to be inflicted with this shit?! Like I woke up one morning and said "Hey I feel like today is the day I want a virus to which there is no cure and will cause society to view me as a filthy whore for the rest of my days"!!!!! I think that men would be less likely to talk about it, should they contract it. Guys don't overly tend to open up to their "bros" about such sensitive and personal issues. Correct me if I'm wrong there but that is the trend that society portrays at least. Whereas we women tend to be more open with our girlfriends about things. Not that I have told many of them. I have so far confided in my one other girlfriend who I know also has it, and confided in my sister who has HSV1 oral.

Welcome to the thread @Beachdude1984 :)

I feel the same about the cello! It moves me emotionally.

I have so far discovered that I cannot make music. But that may have something to do with my mom forcing me to play the clarinet in grade school when I would have much rather played the trumpet. I was horrific at it. I plan on picking up the ukulele soon though. And though I cannot make music to save my skin, I hear it and love it and feel it. If it moves me, it goes in my collection. And I work for a company that makes amplification pickups for acoustic instruments. I have learned so much while working for them!