FLNewH

oh shit that's right!!! so I have to give up sex AND chocolate! uhhhhhhhhhh idk about all that! hahahaha j/k

you got it!

hahahahaha that last sentence totally made me laugh out loud!!

oh - i didn't realize I had to wean myself off of them :-( I thought it was kind of like an anit-biotic, when the script was done it was done. The doc only told me to take for 10 days, I just wanted a few extra days of taking them to feel better. OK, I've taken one tonight and will continue. Gonna get that refill too. Thank you! Having another reese's cup now ....

Dancer! PH is 10 minutes away!!

I don't either - at least we can all be in the dark on this together! :-) I haven't noticed any lesions, of course I haven't looked either. I just can't bring myself to look :( So, just the symptoms. I've gotten some chills (don't think I have a fever though) and I've been super tired last couple of days. And tonight I'm feeling like the beginning of the burning on my labia's. Nothing bad ... yet ... but that is what is making me decide to not wait until the morning. It hurt sooo bad, I really don't want to go through that again. In fact, gonna go get one now that way I can start a full day of the anti-virals tomorrow morning, one every 8 hours. dammit! i'm so f'ing pissed. anyway - thank you for talking with me. i'm going back to my Reese's Peanut Butter cup now ... hahaha

thanks @chinup. I know what you mean about saying screw it. Within the last two hours I've gone from giving it til tomorrow morning to deciding to take one before I go to bed tonight. I keep telling myself what I'm feeling is b/c of my period coming in the next couple weeks ... but I know better. If this was my period then I wouldn't be feeling like this til a couple days before my period not a couple weeks before. this sucks.

thanks Dancer. It's just an emotional night for me. What I meant by that was, things were great and then herpes f'ed it all up. I know that if this was really meant to be he would still be here with me, but that is how it feels. After almost two years of being single I finally met someone I could laugh with and actually let my guard down and then boom! hello herpes! would have just been nice if I could have enjoyed the intimacy a little bit more before having to deal with this. Maybe if we had been together longer he would have been able to deal with this better. idk

Please don't let his reaction get to you. Same thing happened to me. Unfortunately some people cannot process this and make the choice to not get involved with or stay with an H+ partner. It's no reflection on you. You are not dirty or untouchable - he just wasn't the one. chin up - it'll get better

Thanks both. I just don't want to jump the gun with the antivirals. But, I'm pretty sure it's starting again. Just annoys me since I JUST finished the dose for the OB on Friday. Was kind of hoping I had some time before the next OB. *sigh* if I feel this way tomorrow morning I'm just going to go back on the anti-viral and finish up the rest of the script.

I think I'm starting to have another OB again. I'm not due for my period for a couple more weeks. Getting the crampy feeling, my lower back is starting to get achy and when I wiped I found thicker discharge. My first OB happened a couple weeks before my period too and this is how it started last time. I just finished 13 days of anti-virals as of this past Friday ... 400mg of Acyclovir 3 x day. I have 6 days worth left. But, the doc told me she gave me extra on purpose and she called in refills just in case I needed them. So, do I jump up and finish off the rest of the anti-virals I have or do I wait and see what happens? Not that I want to go through another OB, but I'm almost tempted to just hold off on the anti-virals just to see how long things take to happen. Just so I can understand better how my body will react to this. IDK. All I know is that if I'm going to get an OB every freaking month then I am going to ask my doc to put me on a daily suppressant. She told me to hold off on a daily suppressant to see how my body handles things, but IDK. *sigh* I really don't want to deal with this shit.

So, just when you think you have a grip on all the bullshit, you find yourself crying over your pastrami with swiss! *sigh* I miss the sonofabitch. I miss him more than when I left my ex. Maybe because I was already "over" the marriage about 6 months before I left, maybe because I really didn't love my husband anymore. Whatever the reason, I'm still crying over him. I keep finding myself thinking about those sweet moments between me and my Viking. He is of viking descent, so I always called him my handsome Viking and I was his sexual napalm hahaha fuck! jerk! It just felt so nice to actually breathe again. Felt so nice to fall asleep on a man's chest again. Felt so nice to get forehead kisses again. I can't say I really blame him. We had only been together a month when I had my OB. And if he didn't have it before, it's a pretty good chance he does now. In the very beginning of the OB I didn't have pain, just felt like a bad period, bloating, lower back pain. I just figured it was from all the sex we were having. So we had sex. Unprotected. During the beginning of what I now know was my very first OB. Thank you Karma. I've obviously fucked up pretty bad in life to deserve that payback. Anyway. This really has nothing to do with herpes. I'm just missing him and typing a post on here stops me from texting him.

What is wrong with what you did? You both are consenting adults who had a night of fun. He knew your status and proceeded - so what is wrong. I really hate to admit it, but it would be great if I could meet someone who was HSV2+ so I could just have a "fun" night and not have to worry about it. I feel like this whole herpes crap has put my love life on hold. Not to be too TMI, but my ex-husband was VERY vanilla with his sexual style and was never really "into" sex too much - so, when we were together we had sex maybe every two or three months. So, I guess you can say I've been making up for lost time since I've been single (and learning soooo many new things! hahahah) And now that I have herpes, I don't even want to masturbate! I feel like I'm never going to be relaxed enough to enjoy it ever again. So, I say KUDOS to you!!! :-)

and as far as this being a "herpes forum" yes, it is, but everything else in our lives affects our OB's and our OB's affect everything else in our lives (or so it feels sometime). So, this is the perfect forum for you to put things out there. And, behavior does not change. I re-read where you posted that he hasn't been physical "yet" since the last time you returned. Yet is the important word here. People do not change. Yes, they can become aware of certain behaviors and make attempts to change the way they react to some things, or they can change their mind about things, but deep down, people do not change. You have left before, just make it permanent this time. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but you will be better off for it.

Thank you everyone for the info and recommendations.

Honestly, at this point I don't think you should worry about disclosing to him. It sounds like he is an abusive partner and that is more the issue than herpes. I know, I know, you figured I would be the last person to say do not disclose, but I think you have bigger fish to fry right now. Not to give relationship advice, but I think you should be focusing more on how to leave him. I don't know what programs they have in Canada (that is where you are from, right?) but I'm sure they are similar to what is here in the US. May want to google and see what is out there for support groups for women in abusive situations. I see you mentioned that you have left many times before - so what made you go back? I left my ex once before the final departure. The first time I left I was not ready emotionally or financially and I didn't really have a support group. This time, I just didn't care. I figured it would all work out in the end. I stayed with my parents until I could get my own place and "down graded" my life style so I could afford to be on my own. If I were you, I would put the herpes to the side for now and focus on you and your baby. If he has abused you in the past, it is only a matter of time he abuses your child. Become the mamma bear I know you are (:-P) and start reaching out to people that can help you prepare to leave him. And after you leave him, I still wouldn't disclose. I decided over the weekend I wasn't going to disclose to my ex-husband. He was shooting up drugs behind my back and never told me he had HepB. So, I know two wrongs don't make a right, but sometimes people just aren't' worth the stress and heartache. Hugs girl! It sucks to be strong and do things that challenge us, but something tells me you are a tough cookie and can get through this :-)

I was curious if anyone had recommendations for vitamins I can take daily to help keep my immune system in check. I'm not taking any right now, not even a multi-vitamin. I'm one of those people that do great for about a week and then get lazy. But, I know I need to change that.

Hahahaha @inka I like that "overall trash can". I'm stealing that phrase :-)

So, I have found that people that act that way usually have a reputation for being assholes and people don't usually take them seriously at all. And yes, I do believe in Karma and that she is a bitch and that this bitch will get hers one day. P.S. I would never act like that in my office. Maybe someone needs to remind her she is in a place of business and she should keep some stories to herself. Actually, I'M such a bitch that I'd have to call her out "oh really sweetie - something wrong with people that have herpes? tell me, what exactly do you KNOW about herpes? and, how do you know he has herpes, do you now have herpes?"

So, the post kind of turned into something other than what I originally planned on posting. Seems to be more like a journal entry than anything :-P. But, I get to the point eventually. Today has been such a great day. The weather is beautiful. My apartment windows are open. The breeze feels so nice. Went for a bike ride at the park. The apt smells like the big pot of chili that is cooking on the stove. And, I'm just jamming away to Janis Joplin on the classic rock channel. Then it hit me, I hadn't thought about herpes since last night. And then it occurred to me that I have spent a lot of time the last two weeks thinking about herpes. A lot. So then I thought about why I haven't thought about herpes since last night. Because I got my ass out of the apt and went out and had some fun. I dressed up like the undead, and spent time with people that made me laugh, gave me beer, and filled my belly with the best ghoulish food and jello shots I've had in a long time. We talked about family, laughed at the drunk clown that fell over the cooler, watched the guys play beer pong, scared the little kids with my rotted zombie teeth. It. Was. Awesome. And I didn't think about or talk about herpes once. Or any of the other problems I've got going on right now. When life throws us curve balls, we have to figure out how to deal with it. Sure, first we have to get over getting the wind being knocked out of us, but eventually we have to start taking that first full breath again. Unfortunately, finding out you have herpes does not wait until we have nothing else going on in our lives. Kids, school, work, an unhappy marriage, planning a wedding, depression, anxiety, late paying the bills ... whatever. It's life. Life is stressful. It would be great if we could say "OK, everything else needs to stop while I deal with this and get my shit together". But, it can't. We can't put life on hold. In fact, we feel like we have to act like nothing is wrong. Because if we show something is on our mind or that we are upset about something, someone will want to know why. "What's wrong?" "Something up?" "Anything you wanna talk about?". And we really want to say Yes, but then that means we would have to disclose. So, many many of us go through life for months, years keeping this secret, thinking that we are all by ourselves. Well, we aren't. At some point, we need to step up and say "OK. Yes, this situation is messed up but I can't let it become ME. Become WHO I AM". I thought back to when I got divorced. And, side notes first - Ok big deal right? It's just divorce - a lot of people get divorced. But, it sucks. Even if you are the one who wanted it. It's a big life change. In my case, it was quick. Talked about it on a Friday and I was in my own place by the following Friday. And I was scared shitless. I had never really been on my own. Moved out at 18 with my fiance, broke up and back home with mom and dad by 20. Met my ex-husband by 22 and that's all she wrote. Found myself at 36, on my own for the first time in my life. Not that I can't function - I can grocery shop, pay bills, be a responsible worker, etc. Just never had to be with just myself. Ever. Never didn't have someone to lean on or a second income if I lost my job. Never didn't have someone to go to dinner with or to check out that new bar. After about 6 months of doing nothing but drinking wine for dinner and crying and feeling sorry for myself and having my self-esteem knocked down by online dating (just don't do it people), I started to really look and see things differently. I don't know why. It was a day like today is - beautiful weather, a laid-back lazy day. I was feeding some ducks at the complex pond, there was a chilly breeze and the sun was shining on my face. And I just thought to myself "What a beautiful day" and took a deep breath. Just enjoyed the moment. Didn't even think about it. Didn't even think about anything. So, I went for a bike ride. Without my cell phone. Without my music. And didn't think about anything for about another hour and a half. The point I'm making is, no matter what happens in life, we've got to forget about it for a little bit. We can't let it become EVERYTHING about us. There is more to us than herpes. Remember what makes you smile. Remember what calms you down. Remember what makes you feel good. And then go do those things! And those things can be so little! We spend so much time focusing on what we THINK are negatives about us. We need to take just a fraction of that time and redirect our brains to focus on the GOOD about us. It doesn't have to be anything big. Like, I can make a kick-ass pot of chili! My friends MISS ME when I'm not around. I will go out of my way to help someone. We have to remember the things about us that remind us we are good people, just going through an unfortunate situation. We have to remember the things that warm our hearts. We gotta take the time to slow down for a minute and do for ME. It is not selfish. Do not feel guilty. So, no offense everyone, but I'm going to go forget about you for a little bit longer :-) Gonna go eat some smoked sausage and cheese and crackers and beer cheese dip and drink some wine and hang out with some friends that will probably make me laugh until I pee myself :-) I'll be back soon though. Because, it's because of you all that I CAN find it in myself to forget about you for a bit :-)

Us women love our closure don't we? Hahaha

Not selfish at all hon! I was in a marriage for 15 years. And, although obviously it didn't work out, no matter what was going on, we always supported each other through every failure, obstacle, whatever. I know that sounds corny but its true. Life sucks but it's so much easier when you have one person you know, without a doubt, will always be there for you. So, not selfish at all. It's what everyone deserves. You don't want someone who will run away. Both aren't strong at the same time, one has to be strong for the other. But, that's hard to ask for or expect unfortunately when the relationship is so new. And you definitely should be proud of yourself for disclosing!!!! I have to do that myself to a past relationship. I'm sick about it!

Please know – there is no anger as I write this. So, if you are angry or upset with me from our previous conversations, please leave that out as you are reading this, because I am not writing it with any kind of tone implied. And no, I’m not implying you are or was angry – I’m just letting you know where I am coming from. We are all going through emotions right now. Some are angry, some are depressed, I’m pretty sure we are all scared. I’ve got to do some disclosing myself in the next week or so to some past relationships, so, ya, I do get it. My intention was never to make you feel ashamed or feel like you have no support. But some things you said struck a nerve with me personally. I’m still trying to shake off the shock of having herpes. I’ve only had 2 weeks (as of today) to process this. I won’t apologize for my “passion” but I will for allowing my “passion” to take over. I’m very much a newcomer – only two weeks strong on here – and have gotten AND given lots of support. Some background, I have an ex-husband who was shooting up narcotics behind my back for 15 years (divorced his ass when I found out). I also found out he has HepB – and never told me. I’ve got an ex-boyfriend that told me he would be there for me during this time and then dropped me. So, I have trust issues. I feel betrayed. I feel used. I feel worthless. I feel like I give give give and get nothing back. I feel like I’m on the ground in the dirt being kicked to be 100% honest. And now, I get the best present of all: Herpes. It is nobody’s intention on here to make anyone feel ashamed or like they cannot share and ask questions or ask for help. But, we are all emotional in some way or another and sometimes things get a bit heated. We all just need to learn to not step back, take some of the emotion out of it and not take it personal. Regardless of your thought about this latest post of mine or about "me", I truly do hope you get the support you need and do not feel like you need to leave the forum. This is a great place with lots of great people – whether we agree with each other or not.

:-( I completely feel you right now @threelittlebirds. Unfortunately you may never hear back from him. And I truly am sorry for that. It hurts, I know. There are so many unanswered questions when someone just goes off the grid. Same situation with my ex-boyfriend. Don't beat yourself up over the "what if's". I did that as well. I know I did not handle the disclosure well, but in reality, I don't think the outcome would have been different had I done things differently. There could also be other circumstances in your guys life that are causing him to push away. I found out mine battles depression and cannot deal with "stressful" situations. Try not to think about the lack of response - don't be like me and drive yourself crazy checking your phone every 5 minutes ... then send another text ... it just doesn't help. Unfortunately sometimes we won't have the answers to the why (this f'ing herpes has definitely taught me that the last couple of weeks). Just know that you did the RIGHT thing. You disclosed it. You came clean. You respected him enough (and yourself btw) to tell him the truth. If he does respond - super! But if not, then you know that he wasn't "the one". You want someone to support you, not run. And, chin up - he just may need some more time. My guy and I were only together a month when I had a breakout and found out. It's a lot to process, especially if you haven't been together a long time.

OK, so as this diagnosis is sinking in, and as I learn one thing, I end up with 50 other questions. I'm kind of confused in my thinking, so I'm going to try to ask this question the best I can and try to make sense :-) cuz I'm confusing myself. My HSV2 antibody level is high - 8.0. I understand this means that I have had this for a while. But, sometimes it sounds like the level of the antibodies in my system are more due to the OB's than the amount of time I've actually been exposed? I think I've read somewhere that once you have had your initial OB, that is when the antibodies start kicking in to "get your system straight" and fight off this virus. Am I totally misinterpreting this? Initially I thought the antibodies started kicking in when I was exposed, as my body started to try to fight the virus. And, the OB finally happens as the immune system gets run down, stress, hormones, whatever, take your pick of a trigger. I just figured that, as I'm getting older, my body just can't fight things off as well as it used to and then BAM! there's why it's been dormant and now all of a sudden I have an OB. I guess I'm getting confused as to what happens to the levels when an OB happens? What sucks is, I don't even know if this is my first OB. I mean, I've never had anything like this before - but I've had bad UTI's and I've always gotten boils and breakouts on my upper-inner thighs (honestly for as long as I can remember, like young young) so I "think" this was my first OB, but I'm unsure now that I'm analyzing everything.