FLNewH

Maybe I'm a little early for this, but Happy Anniversary Herpes!!! This Friday will be a month we've been together - well, that I've known of anyway. You've changed my life so much in such a short time!!! And, we have already been through so much together! I can't wait to share the rest of my life with you!!!!! Ya, that's pure sarcasm. I'm sure you can tell. But it's true. My life has changed. And herpes has been with me every step of the way. Every day of my fucking life has been different since I was informed of this new relationship I'm in. My mental state regarding this new love of mine really does change from hour to hour. I've been off the site for a few days. Actually, I take that back. I've gotten on here every day, sometimes multiple times a day, but I just don't have it in me to be supportive and post. Not that I don't want to, but because I just can't. I'm exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. And I feel guilty about that. Because, you were here for me when I needed you - and I want to be here for you too! And I want the new herpsters (I saw someone say that in a post and LOL'ed - I love it) to feel welcome and safe. I'm not really sure what the point of this post is. I guess because it's been one of those days where I'm choking back tears every 20 minutes. I guess because I just feel like my life sucks balls right now. 38 year old, divorced, mother to nobody and can't get a man to stick around for more than a few weeks (sex or no sex, same result). And the cherry on the top is herpes. I'm so fucking over this. I'm so tired of the roller coaster of emotions. I'm tired of one minute having the "i really don't give a fuck" attitude and then the next minute I'm freaking out. I actually had my picture posted on here for a bit. Then, one night I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and, for some reason, started freaking out - What If Someone I Know Finds This Site And Sees My Picture??? So, I took it down. Ya, I did that like 3 times. I've put it back up. Will see how long it lasts this time around. I know I need to be positive. In the grand scheme of things, my life looks good. Good job. Fabulous friends. Family that loves me. I did test negative for HIV soooo .... That's all I really got. Again, there really is no purpose to this post. But, I can say that I no longer have that lump in my throat ... for the next 20 minutes or so anyway. On a side note. @adrial I finally took the time over the weekend to watch a couple videos. Thank you so much. You are truly beautiful inside and out. And, I cried watching what I refer to as your "I Love You" video. I'm in awe at how someone who I've never met can touch my emotions so much. I hope you realize just how wonderful what you are doing is. and @dancer you are an angel. Thank you for being such a support system. Please do not ever forget that we are here for you too my friend. I know you've had this for a while, but I know it's not easy being someone's rock. And you are the rock to all of us on this site.

So, I haven't read all the comments. But, I can tell you that when I went to my OB/GYN for what I thought was a UTI, she did visually confirm herpes. However, yes, testing for it is necessary. She did a swab and also took my blood. You need that testing to determine what type of HSV you have.

@seeker hhahaha I'm 38, there will be no math on partners here! I had some fun before I met my ex-husband at 22, we split for about a year around 8 years ago and I had some fun then. This time around I've not been having as much fun, but well, ya, no math will be done! hahhhaha @redroses seeker is right, all I really will know is that I've had this for more than 4 months. So, I could have had this since before I met my ex-husband, he could have given it to me, or I could have gotten this since I've been divorced. I've been thinking too, really their results still tell me nothing. Since my first OB was a few weeks ago, there is also the possibility that I've had this but just not passed it onto any of my partners. There is also the possibility that they too had it and since they were not having an OB, they didn't pass it to me. So, really finding out the results won't do me any good either. The only thing would be if their results came back negative, I would at least know I did not give it to them. But, if it came back positive, in my eyes I'm still at square one because just because they are positive doesn't mean I'm necessarily the one that gave it to them. ugh - I hate the not knowing. I will say though that my gut is telling me I got this since my divorce, so within the last almost two years. My own observations now that I know the information that I know about herpes. That's why I'm only choosing to disclose back to then.

I know, you're right. Geez - how did I get so cynical!? ah, to only be young and innocent again and to be able to look at the world in a positive way :-) I think I just prepared myself so much for a negative reaction I just couldn't believe how smooth they were about it. Thank you :-) I did kind of feel bad for putting it out there in a text or FB message, but I figured the important thing wasn't the way it was disclosed, just that it was disclosed. Plus it gave them some time to read and process it before reacting. It still took a while to hit that button! haha I had the message typed up, re-read, tweaked, re-worded and couldn't hit the button. I finally just said outloud "Hit Send Dammit!" hahaha The third disclosure is going to be the hardest. I will tell myself that it will go ok, but will prepare myself for if it doesn't. I'm still debating on how to try to get a hold of him (over the phone or text) - he lives too far to disclose face to face.

i agree with @inka. don't waste any more time on them.

@seeker i went to my OB/GYN and used my insurance. When you go that route, only the cheap tests are included in their "standard package" chlamydia, gonorrhea and something else. they will not include HIV or HSV unless specifically asked (or if you are having an OB). When I went in a few weeks ago b/c of issues, that is when the NP told me I had lesions and she recommended the HSV, HIV test AND the standard tests ... which then started the conversation of what is included and what isn't. I told her I have asked to "be tested for everything" before. She looked at my past results and confirmed I had not had HIV or HSV tested for in the past. So, note to self - always ask.

Hi and welcome. Have you been tested? I'm assuming so since you are pregnant and said you are on the antivirals? Regarding your words "I am so mad at my husband, because he has never even bothered to get an std test (I think it is a generational thing). " Save the anger for the herpes not your husband. Did he know he had herpes and just didn't tell you? Have you had an STD test done before this? You can carry this with you for years before you have an OB. Or, you could never even get one. Or, you can get an OB right away. Just depends. And, for those like me, you may THINK you are being tested but are in fact not. HSV and HIV are NOT included in the standard tests. Even if you tell your doctor "I want to be tested for everything", that does not cover those two things, because the tests cost more money. Focus more on learning about this and what needs to be done to ensure you stay healthy and your baby stays healthy during the pregnancy.

OK sorry, maybe i missed but - have you had a blood test for HSV? Has the girl had a blood test for HSV?

So, you told PS girl before meeting her in person? Then her friend and you go out. And, girls being girls, this girl shows PS girl your pick and PS girl recognized you and told her friend you have herpes? honestly, it's shitty of anyone to "out" anyone. now, that being said, IF you were going around knowingly having H and just having sex with all these girls and this girl knew, well, ok I see. But, sounds to me like these girls are nothing but drama and you should cut if off with both. And, forgive me, which site is PS?

@cecibuendia Firstly, I'm sorry you are feeling this way. But, we all have felt the way you are feeling right now. I keep going back to your words "this is a mess this is the worst is like VIH HIV" No no my friend. This is not worse or anything like HIV. Herpes is an inconvenient skin condition, not a death sentence. You are in shock right now, as well expected. The best advice I can offer is to not think about the future or the past. Think about right now. Take this time to read the articles, the posts, the questions. View the videos. Post as much as you want about ANYTHING you want. But, you HAVE to find a way to get out of the funk. Check out the General Inspiration category and read those posts. I posted one myself. Not that I think it's totally awesome or anything, but I've had people on here email me that it made them feel better - it's called Be Our Own Therapy. You have to find a way to not allow the dark thoughts take over and keep you in a funk. I felt the same way (and still do some days - I've only known for 3 weeks) BUT as you learn more about this, it gets easier. It will also make you feel better to know that so many people are affected by this. But nobody talks about it, so you wouldn't know. I've told 7 people (well, 9 now that I've disclosed to two former partners) but out of those 7, 5 people are either directly or indirectly affected. 2 of them have partners that have it, one has a friend whose daughter has it, 1 person has had it for 10+ years and the other, her sister has it. Knowing that you are not alone and that this does not make you dirty or gross or unwanted is the first step. We are here for you!

I think he needs to really educate himself about this more. And definitely needs to get tested.

And, on a side note - am I wrong to wonder why they both are taking this news so easily? You all know where my mind is wandering off to ...

I sent the second disclosure via FB message since I had no other way to contact him. He said he is actually already getting tested next week. I asked him if there was a specific reason and he said no, just never had one before. So, gave him the link to this site and some general info about herpes and about the testing. He is supposed to let me know the results, so I should hear back from him in a couple/few weeks I'm guessing. 2 down and the hardest one is left for last ... this is so nerve racking!

Thanks @willow. You're right. The whole purpose was to inform them and I did. Thank you :-) I've got the real tough one. I've got to work my nerve up for that one. ugh, my stomach just turned thinking about it! hahaha

If you're meaning like a one-night stand or a FWB type to get the groove back, then I think having sex the first time after diagnosis with an H+ partner would be better for me. Of course, I have only been diagnosed for a few weeks so maybe my opinion would change as I get used to this more. But, for me, I'd be more relaxed and wouldn't be worrying about if I could possibly give it to him or not. If I was with an H- partner I would be too worried and not really "into the game" if you will. As far as true dating, at this point for me, same thing. This would be in the back of my head the whole time.

So, I completely did this differently than any of the advice I have been given. I didn't intend to do it this way, but I did. I feel like a coward for the way I did it, but at least I did it, I guess anyway. I sent "Donny" a text. I wanted to call him but I pussed out. I told him the very summarized story, recommended he get tested and gave him this site's info. I was completely wrong about his reaction too. Thank goodness. He wasn't the jerk I thought for sure he was going to be. He basically said it is what it is and shit happens, he hears it pretty common. he didn't seem concerned at all. so, i just told him it was still a good idea to get tested and to please let me know if he does. Phew! I need to take a breath now. Even though I did it the coward way, it still shook my nerves.

You should have seen the look on my face when I saw that freaking smiley face! hahahahaa ugh! I know - I gotta let it go. I'm so angry lately! hahaha I'd like to blame it all on herpes but truth is life is just tough right now. Definitely need to spend some time outdoors this weekend - it'll make me feel better. Problem is, I don't really have anyone to talk to when I get home - unless you count the cats (only two, not a crazy cat lady) and that gets boring real quick. So, I find myself 'thinking' Ya, definitely getting out this weekend! hahaha

@anonemess. You're right. I didn't mean if he doesn't accept - it's more the way the situation is handled is more what I meant. If someone just flat out doesn't accept it, that is 100% ok. If the person takes time to think but then comes back and says he can't accept it, that is 100% ok too. For me, I just meant the way a person deals with the situation tells a lot about how they may deal with tough situations that come up in the future. What really really sucks about this is that most times we have to tell people that we are just really getting to know. So, maybe even my thinking that just bc someone reacts that way to this situation is wrong too. Many people on here are having to disclose to someone they've maybe known about a month or so, definitely not enough time for someone to develop those strong feelings of loyalty and commitment to someone else. I don't know. And the deep thoughts begin ... urg!! hahaha

So, I may be the wrong person to comment since I am also newly diagnosed and still a bit emotional about it and it's been a shitty day, but I have to respond. No. He knew. No breaks. But, ok, let me now give the opinion of someone who may not be as angry about herpes as I am right now. Maybe he was "uninformed" and really didn't think there was any way he could have ever given it to you if he wasn't having an OB. OK, then give him the benefit of the doubt. But ask yourself this, Do you really believe him that he didn't think there was a risk? Can you ever really trust him or will this always be in the back of your head? Me personally, even if I didn't think there was a risk, I still would let the other person know. I haven't had to disclose yet, but I understand what you mean. I've thought about that lately. I think when things start to go down the path of leading towards a more intimate relationship.

@trying more have it than you may think. I've told 7 people now. 2 are married to men that have it (one of which waited 3 months after having sex to tell my friend), one has a friend whose daughter has it, one person's sister has it and my other friend told me she has had it for 10+ years. So, 5 out of 7. The other friend I told said (in his true form) "Better get some Valtrex bitch! hahahahahaa". The final person I told was mother, who told me to not use her toilet again and then laughed so hard she almost pee'ed herself. Hey, support comes in all different styles haha I was crying and it was her attempt to make me laugh. I probably would have laughed if she did indeed pee herself :-P Point is, it's way more common then we know. And herpes certainly does not deserve to run our emotions the way it does,

I wish I could take credit for that perspective but I owe it all to Dancer and the rest of the H family here :-) And, I didn't mean to sound like all hope was lost. He may truly just need some time. Just don't be like me and let the emotion of possibly losing someone take over and affect the way you handle yourself. For the whole time I was waiting on him to decide I didn't focus on ME dealing with herpes I focused on me being there for him dealing with the possibility he may have herpes. Definitely give him some time to process, but I would definitely make sure the talk happens this weekend. If he starts to get wish-washy on it, tell him the talk is not about the two of you (yet) you just want to make sure he is informed so that as he is doing his thinking, he will have all the information and be able to make a sound decision. Good luck. Please keep us posted on what happens.

So. Update. I texted him to see if he got tested and to give him some links. I just told him that I hope he takes the time to take care of himself. His response back was "I got tested and I'm OK, ty". At which point I reminded him to wait three months and get retested, blah blah blah. Then he proceeded to wish me the best in life and that it all works out and then ... wait for it ... I got a :-) at the end Really?!?!? A fucking smiley face? You tell me you will be there for me, then leave me in limbo for over a week, then drop me .... and now you are sending me a fucking smiley face???????? As you can tell, that little smiley face set me off. I basically told him what he could do with that smiley face. At this point I feel like I am going to be alone forever. When my OB cleared up for a few days (cuz ya, she's back after a 3 day break) I felt like things were going to be ok. Now that I'm back on the anti-virals and shoving fucking cream up my hoo-ha with a q-tip, ya, not really feeling that way anymore.

So, same thing with me and my ex. We were dating for a month when I had my first OB. Turns out I have had this for a while. Long story short, he sd it was no big deal and he would help me get through it ... then he dropped me like a sack of potatoes. Unfortunately you have to just prepare yourself for the fact that he may decide he does not want to deal with this and call it off. And yes, the waiting period sucks. Mine had me wait for a week and a half. Sorry, that is too long for me. Either tell me yes or no - don't leave me in limbo. As far as it being too soon? No, I don't think it was. If things were starting to get physical or seem like they were getting that way, then you did the right thing to tell now. Don't get me wrong, I'm still upset about his decision but, in the end, I want someone who will be there for me and not just run away.

@seeker - seems like from your posts lately that you need a cold shower my friend! hahahahha i'm just teasing you btw and I agree with @dancer ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww hahahaha

Don't worry - we have all been in your spot. Just try to breathe. And don't worry about having to tell anyone right now. Take this time to focus on you. Take some time to read the great articles and info sheets that are on this site. And, read through some of the posts that are on here. I was diagnosed 2 weeks ago last Friday so I am a newbie to this wonderful club called herpes myself. The best thing you can do right now is to forget about who may need to know or what are others going to think - because that will just bring you into a dark place that you do not want to be. I will tell you, you will cry, be angry, wonder when, where and who .... that will all be normal. For now, just take the time to read up on this, ask questions, and lean on us :-)