optimist

@scm I've read 10 days is recommended.

@wanderingdot I completely understand why it feels hurtful, like taking a step backward in intimacy, but he is ultimately the person taking a risk with his body, so I think it's important to respect his desire to use condoms. It does sound like the doctor freaked him out. Maybe your boyfriend had previously been able to recognize that the difference in risk between condoms and no condoms is very small, and maybe the doctor put it in more black and white extreme terms. If so, that's unfortunate. But even if the difference in risk is only 1%, it is his body. Like @JJJ2015 said, perhaps he will regain a sense of comfort after some time passes.

@Wildrose I'm sorry to hear you've been going through this. Has your friend been tested himself? And does he know how prevalent the virus is in your age group? Does he know the majority of his dating prospects are likely HSV2+, as well? Does he know most people are unaware they are positive? If he already knows all this and he has tried multiple times to overcome his anxiety and just can't get comfortable, it sounds to me like you just have an incompatibility issue here. And because a small minority of people with HSV2 *do* have significant symptoms, I would hesitate to try to sell him on the idea that it's never a big deal. Sometimes it is. The nurse practitioner at my gynecologist's office also discouraged me from taking antivirals for the same reason, no outbreaks. I then consulted my doctor who was willing to prescribe them. It didn't even occur to the nurse that I might want to take it to reduce transmission risk and reassure a partner that I was doing all I could to minimize likelihood of transmission. I explained to the doctor that the relationship I was in had just ended for that reason (anxiety about transmission risk) and I wanted to be able to reassure future partners and do my part in keeping them "safe" and he said okay but added that I really just shouldn't be with a guy like that because most adults are able to put the risk in perspective. Anyway, I take the antivirals now, and I will add that it did not eliminate the anxiety in the guy who was anxious about transmission, it only lessened it enough for us to go another round in the consideration/rejection cycle before I was truly convinced it will never work. At the very least, I now know how my body tolerates the antivirals (no side effects) so I know they are an option for me.

@Sil88 - I hope you're right. Not sure about the Tinder part, though. I think it depends on whether the Tinder user is seeking a one-nighter or something more ongoing. Studies have shown that even people who typically disclose in more traditional dating situations and relationships are much less likely to disclose in more casual sex situations. This doesn't surprise me as I've read some Reddit threads that reflect this mindset and I have a couple male friends who told me (in response to my hesitation to return to Tinder after HSV+ diagnosis) that one of the beauties of Tinder is that there is not an expectation to share this type of personal information and those who are hooking up should assume they are vulnerable to STIs. I tend to think it's also about lack of fear of consequences. If someone thinks they'll never see someone again, maybe they're less likely to be concerned about possible fallout. I have returned to Tinder and I do disclose (twice so far, and both people were accepting) but I'm afraid I'm probably in the minority. One interesting thing I've discovered in using Tinder is that a lot of guys strongly prefer to test regularly and not use condoms. Almost every guy I've encountered from Tinder, before and after my diagnosis, has attempted to leverage frequent testing as a way to justify not using condoms. If HSV was included in standard testing, this could open a lot of people's eyes to how common it is, but I think more often people just assume it's included when it's not, so it's having the opposite effect. :(

@Sil88 - Thank you! Most of those comments were super encouraging. That was a really nice surprise! While there was still quite a bit of misinformation in the comments, there was so much more understanding than I expected. It's funny, I've read reddit threads that are so completely different from each other, some super encouraging and others really discouraging and awful. I hope you and hippyherpy are correct that a shift in understanding is beginning to occur. It's not that there is more herpes around than ever before. It has always been common, though primary location sites have fluctuated with societal and sexual trends. For instance, when oral HSV1 rates go down, GHSV1 rates go up due to lack of partial immunity. But there seems to be more understanding of how "cold sores" are also herpes, most sexually active people have herpes of one type or another, and there is a wide range of symptoms, including no symptoms at all. I wonder what's driving that understanding. The Internet? Better sex ed? Advances in type testing that has revealed the extent of GHSV1? More sexually active people choosing to test for HSV? Outspoken bloggers like Ella Dawson? I wonder.

@hippyherpy I'm just guessing but I think observing people with the more publicly obvious oral HSV1 could be one indicator of how common it is to have chronic and severe genital outbreaks. I do recall having a couple classmates who had chronic outbreaks during sunny months but most kids either had an ocassional cold sore or no cold sore at all.

Sorry if this is a little off topic but it reminds me a bit of pet allergies. 10-15% of people develop allergic reactions to pets ranging from mild to severe.

@Laura898 I don't have HSV1. Being in my late 40's, that's kind of unusual, but I do have HSV2 which can provide partial immunity from HSV1.

@Laura898 All of this is just my opinion. I think the likelihood of him passing HSV to you outside of an outbreak is fairly low, assuming he is aware of his body and knows when an outbreak is about to occur, but keep in mind that most adults do have HSV1, so the likelihood that you will contract it at some point in your life is very high, whether from him or someone else down the road. In the meantime, because you don't have the partial immunity to GHSV1 (genital HSV1) that comes from having oral HSV1, you *might* want to consider refraining from receiving oral sex immediately after intercourse. I say this because intercourse can result in tiny abrasions that could make you temporarily more vulnerable to contracting the virus at those times. Having said that, the risk of transmission outside of outbreaks is rather small, so if that sounds too limiting, you might want to take that very small risk in order to fully enjoy your sex life. Of course, you could also consider dental dams if it really worries you. I've never used one. For me, the enjoyment of receiving unprotected oral sex outweighs my concern about contracting GHSV1, but everyone is different.

@Laura898 Did he specify that his HSV1 is oral and that his outbreak was in the form of oral cold sores?

@eels67 In the U.S., it is estimated that 25-30% of pregnant women have genital herpes but cases of neonatal herpes are pretty rare (less than 0.1%) even though most of those women are unaware of their positive status and therefore not taking any precautions such as antivirals. It's my understanding that the greatest risk is when pregnant women contract HSV (GHSV1 or HSV2) in late pregnancy.

@Nygirl12901 I had the same experience, learning of my status through testing that I did for peace of mind because I learned my former spouse had been having unprotected sex with me over an extended period of time while having sex with others. That is not to say I got it from him; I'll never know how and when I got it. I also take daily Valtrex and my doctor had the same opinion but supported my choice (unlike the nurse practitioner who gave me all kinds of misinformation). I'm sorry the guy you were dating has backed off. If it hasn't been too long yet, he may well just be taking time to process. I think that's pretty common. If so, I think giving him space is more likely to help than trying to convince him. Not everyone will run for the hills. In fact, I think the majority will not. That has been my experience so far and I have heard the same from others in my friend group and on the Internet.

@blackbird1967 It sounds like the autoinoculation you experienced was during a time when your body had not yet built up antibodies. I would think autoinoculation in general would be unlikely now, given you are two years out. Maybe it would help to think about how the majority of adults carry HSV1 in their mouths, most unaware of it, and those adults sometimes kiss/lick/suck their partners' ears/earlobes without worrying about it leading to encephalitis.

@Misha77 - So many factors go into how a person reacts to this type of disclosure. I would hope that being a medical professional would mean he is more informed about prevalence, relative risk and transmission, but I wouldn't count on it. I hope you will be able to set aside your experience with the POF guy when approaching this new guy. Everything I've read on various support sites and Reddit AMAs, as well as what I've heard directly from friends, has convinced me that most people are accepting and able to put this risk in perspective, even if they need a little time to process everything first. Good luck!

@JJJ2015 Everything you've said makes a lot of sense to me. I hope things improve for you soon, either with him or without him. Feel free to DM me if you'd like to chat more. ((((hugs))))

@JJJ2015 - In my opinion, the way things are developing with him is negatively affecting your confidence at a critical time when you are adjusting to this diagnosis and what it means for you and your sex life. If you are able to move on, yes, you will again have to have this type of communication with no guarantee it will have a more positive outcome, but I can tell you that the odds are in your favor that the majority of future prospective partners will be accepting. I'm convinced of that. It's a tough decision to make, considering how very understanding he was at the beginning, but maybe that can give you insight into just how much anxiety he has about this. He wants to be understanding, he clearly really likes you, he's been hanging in there for months, but his anxiety is powerful enough to prevent him from fully engaging even three months later. I really don't see it as just *your* problem, I do see it as incompatibility. And I do believe there are other incompatibilities that are just as painful or more painful. I have experienced some of them. I think it's possible you are seeing it this way because you see your HSV as a great big thing that's wrong with you and I just don't see it that way. We are all imperfect humans, imperfect in a million ways. Having said all that, I would love to hear that your guy makes progress in coming around. I don't think it's impossible. I will think positive thoughts that it can happen.

Also, @JJJ2015, imagine disclosing to someone and having them say they are still very attracted to you, still want to move forward, and they are not afraid because they understand how transmission works. That might sounds like a fantasy, but this happened for me immediately after I moved on from the guy who was unwilling to take the risk. It was such a great feeling and helped me know what is possible. That relationship is fading for other reasons, but the disclosure conversation was so powerful, it really set the standard for me for the future and renewed my confidence.

@JJJ2015 I think what you said here is really important: "Not to mention the way this is making me feel. Every time we talk about it and I try to reassure him, I feel like I'm trying to talk him into doing something he doesn't want to do. Like I'm not worth having sex with. Which is a shitty feeling." I think that's an aspect that isn't often addressed in these conversations about disclosing. We talk about risk being a dealbreaker for some people but less often talk about how a partner's anxiety around risk and how that can compromise a healthy sex life can be a dealbreaker for us. In that sense, I see it as a 2-way compatibility issue, not a rejection. Everything I've read on here and other forums suggests that the majority of partners (male and female) are accepting of this. Same trend in my conversations with friends, one of whom has extreme anxiety and would never knowingly take the risk, and several others who have willingly taken the risk or whose spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends or casual sex partners have taken the risk with them. It sounds like your guy has been processing this for 3 months now. I do think it's important to give people time, but that's a long time. I recently had a guy come back after a similar length of time, when I was just moving on (probably not a coincidence), and he made a great effort to overcome his anxiety, only to hit a wall again. It was like watching something load to 90% and then freeze. And it isn't his fault. There is something in his head telling him not to have sex with me, too scary, and who am I to say he shouldn't listen to that voice? Maybe that's the right choice for him, you know? But the right choice for me at that point was to tell him I had to once again move on because we clearly have an incompatibility issue. I question this decision sometimes because I miss him, but I try to think of it like any other incompatibility issue and try to remember that ignoring it and just hoping it would fix itself was preventing me from moving on and developing new relationships.

@Dekcufmi0033 - I'm sorry to hear of your diagnosis. I do think you should tell her, but I hope you can approach it in a way that does not communicate fear or unworthiness to her. I think you're more likely to have a successful outcome if you can internalize the fact that this is relatively common and usually quite manageable and that most potential partners will be accepting, even if they need a little time to process things first. Nothing has changed about you, aside from the fact that you are now aware of your status and therefore able to take steps to reduce risk of transmission. The risk of transmitting HSV2 via oral sex is *extremely* low. I would not dwell on that or focus on that exposure with her. I would focus more on whatever you plan to do to minimize risk in the future (antivirals, condoms, avoiding outbreaks, etc.). Also, keep in mind that, as a woman, her risk of carrying the virus was already roughly twice as high as yours. She may already have it and not know it. I know men who think they can guess who might have it based on a woman's sexual history, but it's my understanding that among women who've had 2-4 sex partners ever in their lives, 20% are infected with HSV2. Good luck!

Regarding the tone, yeah, the opening statement is pretty ridiculous considering the vast majority of the population has contracted or will contract HSV1.

@hippyherpy I am saying that when you quote infection rates, you are quoting the average within a large age range. For instance, according to that chart, the HSV2 infection rate for unpartnered black women in the U.S. at the time of data collection was as follows: Ages 20-24 36% Ages 25-29 62% Ages 30-34 69% Ages 35-39 75% Ages 40-44 78% Ages 45-49 71% Perhaps the average rate of HSV2 infection for *all* unpartnered black women between the ages of 20 and 49 was 50%, I don't know, but you can see that the risk is highly age dependent. Average infection rate within a large age range does not equate to lifetime risk which is significantly higher as it is incurable. With studies that start at age 14, HSV2 infection rates for the overall population (all races) begin near zero and reach very high rates by age 49. The overall infection rate that is quoted represents the average within that very large age range.

@janedoe - The risk of *catching* herpes (and by that I assume you mean HSV2 based on the 1 in 5 number you provided) is greater than 1 in 5 if you are talking lifetime risk. The 1 in 5 number is the average for all people between the ages of 14 and 49, including people who have never even been sexually active. I don't know when it hits 1 in 5 exactly; maybe around age 30? Also important to keep in mind that's an average between women and men, though women are infected at roughly double the rate. @hippyherpy - Same goes for your stats on black women. This chart (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3020161/figure/F1/) further breaks it down by partnered and unpartnered, so my reference here refers to unpartnered black women (meaning not cohabiting or married) rather than an average between partnered and unpartnered, but you can see the 50% infection rate correlates to roughly age 25, while almost 80% of 40-44 year old unpartnered black women are infected with HSV2 (or were at the time this data was collected).

@LowLover298 - You might appreciate this recent TEDx featuring Ella Dawson.

@concerned1 I'm glad you asked this question because it's something I had never considered and it prompted me to do some research just now. It looks like a herpetic infection of the finger is somewhat rare with 2-5 of 100,000 people in the U.S. being infected (by contrast, something like 80,000 of 100,000 are infected orally). The majority of herpetic finger infections are caused by HSV1. Health care workers are at particular risk because they are exposed on an ongoing basis. Children who aggressively chew their fingers are apparently also at risk, as are people with compromised immune systems. So my sense is that it is not impossible, but it is unlikely the scenario you described would result in infection. Keep in mind a significant portion of the population has genital herpes and most of them don't know it, so people are unknowingly taking the risk you described all the time and very rarely developing herpetic lesions on their fingers. I hope that puts your mind at ease a little, though I'm sure you'll feel better when a couple weeks have passed with no symptoms.

@Bambina - Those are the statistics for female to male transmission based on the terms Gimmehope mentioned (avoiding outbreaks, taking antivirals, not using condoms). Rate is higher for male to female and male to male transmission, primarily because 1) more mucus membranes, and 2) penis can create tears in mucus membranes during sex acts that make the vagina or anus more susceptible to infection. Another reason it is so prevalent is that there is no cure, so even though the odds of transmission are low outside of outbreaks, once infected, you're infected. The percentage of those infected increases with age with roughly twice as many women infected with HSV2 as men. I would guess GHSV1 would be similar, though oral HSV1 likely has no gender bias, aside from maybe the partial immunity that comes from genital herpes and more women being infected with that. And then consider all the undiagnosed people who think they have jock itch or an ingrown hair or some other very minor symptom that they don't relate to HSV. They are likely contagious at those times with no awareness of that fact.