optimist

@hippyherpy - I don't think HSV1 gets a pass. I think there is a significantly greater stigma attached to GENITAL HERPES whether caused by HSV1 or HSV2. I think oral herpes gets a pass because it is so pervasive, it is not associated with a sex act, and there is no way to maintain the illusion of control if one accepts that oral HSV1 is also capable of causing genital herpes through oral sex, even when symptoms are not present. As for one being more contagious than the other, there are so many factors to consider. HSV1 spreads more easily to a variety of places but more people have existing immunity to HSV1. Genital HSV2 sheds asymptomatically at almost twice the frequency of oral HSV1, but greater doses of antivirals are required to suppress oral HSV1. And then there are other risk factors like penises (better at transmission) and other variables like whether or not someone is circumcised. At some point, discussing which is the better herpes to have feels like I've entered the story of The Sneetches with the stars on their bellies. But I agree it's frustrating that genital herpes carries a stigma that doesn't apply to oral herpes.

@WCSDancer2010 - I do like the http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/ link and want to point out that it states roughly 25% of men (and roughly half of women) are HSV2+ by their 50s. I think the statistic you cited (15-20%) is an average of currently infected 14-49 year olds. Some of those negative 14 year olds will ultimately be positive 49 year olds, so the "all ages" average does not correspond to the likelihood of contracting it in an individual's lifetime. And of course those numbers don't include those who are GHSV1+, nor do they factor in the fact that many people remain sexual active and prone to contracting STIs beyond the age of 50. The numbers continue to increase with age.

@kaimargonar - Your HSV2+ positive result is not particularly high, so you might want to consider doing a Western Blot to confirm the result. My understanding is that values under 3.5 are sometimes false positives. If it turns out you are only HSV1+, and you have no symptoms, you would be like the majority of the adult population. I think it would be unusual to take antivirals under those conditions. If it turns out your HSV2+ result is accurate, antivirals can cut the risk of transmission in half. If you choose to take antivirals, I believe it takes 10 days to build up in the system the ideal level to protect a partner from transmission.

@WCSDancer2010 - I appreciate your sympathy and agree with your perspective about risk. I did share my opinion with him but statistics appear to make him more stressed and fearful, not less so. It just isn't a match. It happens. I think I just have to accept that it will be a deal breaker for some people, even if I don't always agree with the logic behind their decisions. And maybe it was a blessing in disguise in this particular case because his fear was probably one of several factors that motivated me to educate myself and ultimately get my mind beyond the stigma so I could put the risk in perspective myself.

@Katidid - Type specific IgG. Good luck!

@Katidid - While I know it would be reassuring to learn he is negative, so in that sense I hope for you that he is negative, perhaps you will find a silver lining if you discover he is positive. For instance, if he is positive, it is obviously not disrupting his life and you will no longer need to be concerned about transmitting it to him.

@CD3377 - I will add that these were both young guys. Late 20's. It's my understanding that older guys are less likely to react this way as they've typically had these conversations before. I recognize that's not true in the case of your long married guy, but just to give you a little hope, that is my understanding from other HSV+ women around my/your age.

@CD3377 - The guy I mentioned essentially disappeared for several weeks and then reemerged saying he was perfectly fine with it. He was in the medical field, btw. The experience you describe is very close to one I experienced with the person I was dating when I received my diagnosis (a different person from the one I mentioned above). In fact, the more he learned, the more stressed he became about potential risk. He made up his mind after a talk with an STI educator. He said it was not the probability of risk but the existence of risk that influenced him. In other words, he needed to believe there was a way to eliminate risk entirely and there is not. Yet he is continuing to take unknown risks. We are still friends, it has been a few months since we broke up, and his views have not changed. It was disappointing but I have moved on.

@CD3377 - I'm sorry to hear this happened. I agree with what @MMissouri said but will add that I think most of us struggled when we received a diagnosis but came to put it in perspective over time and much of that is due to fear, stigma and lack of education. So in that sense, I like to think a potential partner can come around given time if they are motivated to do so. I wouldn't count on it though. In addition to what you stated about his already carrying HSV1 and not being willing to accept that is also herpes, he is in an age bracket where the majority of eligible women are already HSV2+. If he was married 30 years, I assume he is at least 50. More than half of single women are HSV2+ positive by that age (and an unknown additional number are GHSV1+) and that percentage continues to increase with age. The studies typically provide the average for 14-49 year olds, including girls and women who have never been sexually active. Also, many studies do not differentiate gender when providing an average infection rate. So the percentage is lowest for 14 year old circumcised boys and highest for 49 year old women. Because many women continue having sex for many years after the age of 49, it stands to reason the percentage of infected women continues to increase with age beyond 49. But back to the topic of whether someone might come around, I've already had this happen with a prospective casual sex partner. However, the way they handled it diminished my attraction to them. I'm no longer interested. However, if someone treats you with respect and comes back later with a different perspective, I'm all for being understanding of their need to take time to process. I certainly needed that time myself when I got my results.

@gemfusion - Are you asking if a genital infection is also contagious from mouth saliva? No. Unless you are infected in both the genitals and mouth, you are not transmitting the virus from your mouth. If you are infected orally (most adults are), then transmission can occur from your mouth, even if there are no symptoms (cold sores) present. However, just like with genital sores, the risk of transmission is significantly higher when sores are present, as well as right before and after sores appear.

@anette14_99 I agree with you that people should be aware there is potential risk with any encounter, that most of the time the risk is unknown and/or unstated, and that there is still a need to disclose a known risk. Some people are just ignorant to the facts but others really don't want to know the facts and prefer to believe they can control their level of risk by just being able to somehow tell who is safe and who is not. This mentality allows them to continue having casual sex without inhibitions or anxiety. These people don't want to know the statistics. They want to believe they are safe until proven otherwise.

WCSDancer2010 - I agree on the education part. I will admit I was completely ignorant myself until I learned of my own status. I really like the fact sheet on WHO's site: http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs400/en/

@hippyherpy I would be more in favor of "HSV" which would be similar to how HPV and HIV are now referenced. I'm old enough to remember when most people did not differentiate between HIV and AIDS, they just said AIDS, even though HIV does not always progress to AIDS. Likewise, I recall HPV being most commonly referred to as "genital warts" even though only some strains of HPV cause genital warts and even those strains don't always cause warts. Now, it is commonly referred to as HPV. I think it is similar for HSV in that HSV sometimes causes oral sores (which people then tend to call it cold sores) and sometimes causes genital sores (which people then call genital herpes sores) but sometimes HSV causes neither of these symptoms. Just my opinion.

@anette14_99 I'm only addressing your question about decoding the guy's behavior. Based on what he told you about how he stopped seeing another girl when she revealed her positive status, combined with the fact that he is seeking casual sex and had sex with you before discussing STIs, I'm guessing he is someone who is willing to take an unknown risk but uncomfortable taking a known risk. He is able to put out of his mind that the majority of the population has HSV1 either orally or genitally and a fair percentage has HSV2 until he learns definitively that someone is positive and then it feels too risky to him. That's my guess.

@hippyherpy - You are correct that a positive HSV1 test in the absence of symptoms does not tell a person whether it's oral or genital, but either way it can be passed to a partner's genitals, just through different delivery methods (oral sex, intercourse). Also, not everyone with an oral infection gets cold sores but there is still asymptomatic shedding.

@hippyherpy - When I got my diagnosis, the nurse suggested I just use condoms and disclose only when entering a long-term monogamous relationship. She also said antivirals were unnecessary for me because I don't have outbreaks. I wasn't comfortable with that advice. I followed up with the doctor who was fine prescribing antivirals and I plan to disclose before sexual contact, except perhaps kissing. Now that I've been able to put my own risk of transmission in perspective, I will admit that my drive to disclose is less about giving someone a choice and more about feeling an obligation based on the knowledge of my diagnosis. That may sound selfish and misguided, but my belief is that, given the prevalence of HSV1 and HSV2 and the fact that most people are unaware of their status, people are taking this risk all the time whether they know it or not.

@Hippyherpy I've thought a lot about why I feel I must disclose my HSV2+ status when 1) something like 85% of people who are HSV2+ don't know they have it and therefore can't disclose even if they wanted to, 2) the majority of single women my age are HSV2+, 3) the vast majority of sexually active adults are infected with HSV1, HSV2 or both, and both types can cause genital herpes either via oral sex or intercourse. As someone who does not have outbreaks, I've wondered why it should be more important for me to disclose that I'm HSV2+ than for someone who had one cold sore twenty years ago to disclose they are HSV1+ and still capable of of asymptomatically shedding HSV1 and transmitting herpes to a partner's genitals. Half of new genital herpes cases are caused by HSV1, after all. My answer to this, and it's just my opinion, is that there is a stigma associated with genital herpes based on the location of the infection, whether caused by HSV1 or HSV2, and that stigma creates fear that in turn creates an expectation of disclosure. I think the extreme fear is based on the idea that it is unmanageable, highly contagious, and always presents with severe symptoms. This would be like everyone abstaining from kissing for fear of contracting HSV1 and developing chronic, severe, recurring cold sores. Some people with HSV1 do have severe recurring oral outbreaks but they are in the minority. That's another type of dice roll. And I think much of the fear is based on the belief that if you contract genital herpes, not only will it be obvious, but you will then have to disclose your status to all future partners. Most of the time, I still wish I was unaware of my status, as most asymptomatic people are. I do take antivirals as a result of knowing about my status, so that is something positive that came from testing. The antivirals should cut my asymptomatic shedding in half or more so that my small risk of transmission is now even smaller. I'm all for the idea of getting HSV1 and HSV2 added to standard STI screens to increase awareness. Then maybe you'd see a "Negative Singles" dating site for the 10% of whatever part of the population that is NOT capable of transmitting herpes to a partner's genitals.

@Katidid - I talked to my ex-husband after testing positive for HSV2 and learning I must have had it for at least a portion of our 16 year relationship, whether I came into the relationship HSV2+ or he gave it to me at some point during the relationship. I don't know if he is positive or negative but neither of us ever had symptoms (or recognizable symptoms, at least). My understanding is that a minority of HSV2+ and GHSV1+ people are aware of their positive status, just like most people with HSV1 in their mouths don't have lots of cold sores all the time that alert them to their positive status.

GlitterPrincess - HSV-1 can be spread through oral sex to the genitals through asymptomatic shedding without a cold sore being present. Risk of transmission is higher when there is an active cold sore, just like risk of transmission is higher when there are active genital sores, but it can also spread through asymptomatic shedding.

@DD1234 Regarding the risk of oral sex, I wonder if it might help to think about how most people in the general population typically manage the risk of transmitting and contracting HSV-1 via oral sex. Most adults carry HSV-1 orally and it can be transmitted via oral sex, and some people use barrier methods as a precaution, but I think it's safe to say most people do not use barrier methods with oral sex. I think most people know enough to abstain from performing oral sex when they have a cold sore, but most people don't dwell on the possibility that they could be asymptomatic carriers capable of shedding or that they are shedding between cold sore outbreaks. I would hope it works similarly for genital herpes, whether caused by HSV-1 or HSV-2, that people would be conscientious about abstaining during outbreaks but otherwise feel free to engage in oral sex.

@DD1234 - I'm pretty new here, too. But I recently watched @adrial's 3-part disclosure tip video clips and what stood out to me most was his counterintuitive statement that we must now increase our standards rather than decreasing them. That really spoke to me and I'd encourage you to watch those clips if you haven't yet done so. I do realize there are very kind, compassionate, understanding people out there who are just so affected by the stigma, or fear having to live with the stigma themselves, or the potential physical symptoms if they should contract HSV, they choose not to become sexually involved with a HSV+ partner, but I still found a lot of value in that particular insight from @adrial and I do believe there are understanding and compassionate people out there who will be very willing to engage. I've heard this from multiple HSV+ female friends, as well. You sound awesome. I hope your luck turns soon. I believe it will if you keep putting yourself out there.

@Butterfly211 - I am so, so sorry you're feeling this way. I am pretty new to all this and still have those feelings sometimes, too. I feel a lot of anger about the stigma. A couple things have helped in lifting my mood. First, taking long walks outside. I put in my earbuds and play music that lifts my mood and I walk and walk and get some sunshine. I look up at the endless sky and it helps put things in perspective. I tried talking to a couple friends who've been positive for a long time and it wasn't all that helpful because I'm still feeling so strongly about it and they can't really relate to that. They both happened to marry negative partners and no longer dwell on it. I suppose I did find it reassuring that they were accepted by their partners. I found some relief in talking to a single and sexually active positive woman around my age who shared in detail how she approaches disclosure conversations and how things go for her in the dating world and in sexual relationships. That was reassuring and gave me a lot of hope. I won't get into too much detail because it's someone else's experience, not mine, but it sounded to me like it would be realistic to expect that sometimes it's a deal breaker but most of the time it's not. And also when it's not a deal breaker, things can get pretty relaxed after a while. I would like to believe this is true.

Thank you, @justagirl72! Your words are very encouraging to a newbie like me. :)

@ang - You mentioned 1/4 of women having this. You also mentioned it not being talked about in hispanic and black communities. You may want to look up statistics for those communities specifically. You may or may not find it reassuring to know, for instance, that the rate of HSV-2 alone is particularly high in the black community, among both men and women. The percentage increases with age because it isn't curable, but even at a young age it is significant. Greater than 60% among 25-29 year old single black women, increasing even more with age. But as with other populations, only roughly 10% of people with genital herpes are aware of their positive status. Whether or not it is talked about doesn't change the reality but I understand it affects the stigma which is very unfortunate. References: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3020161/ and http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3020161/figure/F1/ Normally I would not comment on differences based on race but I am responding specifically to your comments about the lack of discussion in the hispanic and black communities. I'm a caucasian woman in a high risk demographic (roughly 50%) due to my age and single status and I find it is rarely discussed among those in my own demographic, so I don't intend to suggest we are miles apart. Just addressing your specific comment.

Thanks so much, @adrial. That's a relief.