optimist

Thank you, @adventurelovelife!

This is great info. As someone who is HSV2+ and HSV1-, it sounds like mutual oral sex would actually be riskier for me (since most people have HSV1) than for a HSV2- partner, and I am comfortable taking that risk. So this seems like something that could be a nice way to ease into a sexual relationship when there is uncertainty about emotional investment. Mutual oral sex but hold off on intercourse until there is more certainty or to allow time to start Valtrex.

@wcsDancer2010 - Thanks very much for all the great info. I'll check out all the links. I think part of it will be getting comfortable with someone else taking that risk rather than choosing for them that they shouldn't take the risk. I can envision being comfortable in cases where I know the person is not a generally anxious person and they are aware of how much or how little I'm emotionally invested in them. If those conditions are met and there's something in it for them, whether an ongoing hookup thing or maybe more limited but fulfilling some sort of fantasy that makes the risk worthwhile, then I think I could feel comfortable with it. The guy I was with is not a germaphobe and was very flexible with many other things that could be deal breakers for a lot of people. Neither of us was comfortable with this risk given the temporary nature of our relationship. We were in different life stages and knew from the beginning it would be temporary for that reason, so while we'd become very close, it seemed like the right choice to end the relationship. It was going to end at some point anyway. I actually took some time alone after divorcing. More than a year. My hesitation to get serious is more about my current parenting responsibilities. That has to be my priority for a while. That doesn't mean I want to be celibate for years, however. Regarding testing, I am hesitant to ask anyone to test if they are not having symptoms. I still have very mixed feelings about choosing to test myself. Had I know that more than half of single women my age are infected with HSV2 and only 10% of them know it, and that the health care focus is on relieving symptoms vs. reducing transmission rates, I might not have tested in the first place. I go back and forth on this and hopefully will come to accept it eventually. Maybe because I have no idea when or from whom I contracted it, my anger and frustration is being misdirected to the testing aspect. Maybe I just needed a target for my anger as a normal part of the grief process. Time will tell. @hippyherpy - Thanks for your comments. Yes, I now understand how very many people are infected and how many of them don't know it and that condoms don't fully protect from certain STIs, so casual sex has more risk in that regard than I previously understood. I also noticed a big difference with what I presume is your generation and my generation. When I was much younger, we all used condoms. The main concern was HIV. I was surprised to find that the guys I met after divorcing, probably of your generation, were willing to use condoms but also tended to want to rely on intermittent testing as an alternative to using condoms.

@WCSDancer2010 I completely understand their thinking on that and that same type of thinking informed my opinion about whether my recent partner of very short duration should test (ultimately I left it up to him to decide and told him the results were his business). I'm conflicted about whether to ask asymptomatic partners unaware of their status to test in the future. If they're positive, great for our sex life, but then they are dealing with the diagnosis and I'm responsible for them having that knowledge which has positive (public health) and negative (psychological turmoil) consequences. I also think the lack of testing fuels the stigma that's responsible for the psychological turmoil associated with contracting this. So it's complicated. I wonder if recent improvements in type specific testing and better accuracy of results will lead to HSV eventually being included in general STI panels. I hope so. But then who knows. Given the prevalence, some people who might otherwise test for Hep, HIV, etc., might chose not to test for anything at all, increasing rates of transmission of other STIs. I think there are also concerns that 50+ million people in the U.S. will require counseling and demand Valtrex all at once and that would be unmanageable. It's more manageable to counsel symptomatic people and focus on relieving symptoms rather than transmission. But of course more Valtrex means less transmission and fewer symptomatic people, and greater awareness might mean less stigma and less need for counseling. So again...complicated.

Thanks for starting this thread. I'm female and find value in it as I'm also in more of a stage of life where casual and temporary is most appealing. However, I wouldn't be comfortable disclosing this in the heat of the moment. I've been on the receiving end of that and wished I'd had more time to think it through (though it is unlikely to have been the time I contracted HSV). I can relate to what you said about thinking condoms were protecting you. I think there needs to be more education around that. Maybe the issue is more wishful thinking than lack of education though. I don't know.

@2Legit2Quit Thank you. Yes. I'm sure I will better come to accept it with time. I'm a resilient person. For now, I'm still struggling a little and get confused about whether the true issue is the infection, knowledge of my status or the associated stigma. I'm someone who always thinks it's better to know more than less, so my own reaction has surprised me. I suppose it's a natural part of the grieving process and I just have to let myself get through that.

It's also my understanding that 25-30% of pregnant women have genital herpes and only 5% of those women are aware of their positive status. So yes, seems very common, even among younger women. And though I haven't seen studies for women over 50, I would assume the rates continue to increase with age. I wonder if there may even be greater risk of contracting herpes after menopause due to dryness. I will admit, until being diagnosed and then researching all this myself, I was completely ignorant of all this. I had no idea so many people, especially women, were infected and asymptomatic. I was clueless about exact methods of transmission and the incomplete protection provided by condoms. I had no idea 80-90% of those infected with HSV-2 are unaware but infecting others in absence of symptoms. I also didn't understand the implications of testing as an asymptomatic person who just wanted peace of mind. I am still in the acceptance phase of all this and sometimes struggle with the choice I made in that regard. I know it's for the best, but it also feels like a burden, given how relatively few positive people are aware of their status and how that (in my opinion) fuels the stigma. I hope to better come to terms with that choice in time.

Sorry for the late reply but I think I have a relevant comment. I recently saw a similar study that said 55.3% of unmarried women in the 45-49 age range are infected with HSV-2 and only 5.8% of women in that same demographic are aware of their positive status. That doesn't include unmarried women in that age range with GHSV1. As someone in that age range, knowing the majority of my demographic is infected, I find it frustrating that doctors do not take a more proactive stance through either education or testing. When I received my positive tests results, most of the information I received from my gyn was at odds with what I have read about preventing transmission.

fyrefenyx - Not sure who you are asking but I have seen those numbers, yes, and I believe they are specific to female to male transmission, assuming sex during outbreaks is avoided, over a period of one year of regular sexual activity.

2Legit2Quit - Thank you for the feedback. I'm sorry to hear about your situation and admire your willingness to support people like me while you're dealing with more severe symptoms yourself. I've read that outbreaks can lessen over time. I hope that will be true for you.

Thanks, 2Legit2Quit. It was an IgG test and I was told the value was >5 (and negative for HSV-1). I did ask if it was worthwhile to take a second test to confirm and I was told a false negative is extremely unlikely given the >5 value. I may go ahead and retest anyway, simply because I am making so many life changes as a result of this diagnosis, but my expectation is that I will again test positive.

Newly diagnosed with HSV-2 though it is likely an old infection. I am either asymptomatic or have such mild symptoms that I don't recognize them. Took a break to be alone after divorcing and then discovered my status after becoming sexually active again and doing a thorough STI screening. Doctor advised medication was not recommended or needed because I have no outbreaks, but I've been researching a lot online and see that Valtrex is likely to reduce risk of transmission in asymptomatic people. My questions revolve around this. My current relationship is ending due to the HSV diagnosis. Though monogamous, it was based on a mutual desire for a casual and temporary dating and physical relationship, so even though the risk of transmission is small, it seems too great a risk when we already know we aren't in it for the long haul and my partner has anxiety around any risk at all. I'm uncertain of how I'll proceed now in the dating world. I really don't feel ready for something with long-term potential, yet I don't want to be celibate for years either. Given how few people are aware of their positive status, I would think H+ dating sites would be quite limiting. I've decided I'm no longer comfortable with the hookup friendly dating app I was previously using because the timeline for disclosure would be challenging. I'm leaning toward maybe using an app that is more dating than hookup oriented and then being willing to expand my mind to allow potential short-term partners to choose for themselves whether they are comfortable with the risk. I know from friends there are people who are comfortable with the risk, even when they know there is no long-term potential. I'm wondering if it would make sense for me to ask to go on daily Valtex so that I would already be lower risk if an opportunity arises. Or would it make more sense to get a prescription for Valtrex and keep it in a drawer until I'm sure I'm embarking on an ongoing thing, even if it's casual, and then start taking it daily? Maybe it's too much to imagine I could maintain both a little spontaneity and maximum protection from risk. Is there a downside to talking daily Valtrex if I don't need it to control symptoms and don't yet have a new sex partner? Sorry for rambling. I'm on a bit of a roller coaster right now. Any feedback or support would be greatly appreciated. I'm glad to have found this community.