annalove

@RegularGuy @Katidid @Dumfounded thank you all for the words of encouragement, it means so much. While I will never know what his real thought process was and why he went from being all over me to not being comfortable it is, in the end, the best outcome. This guy has had 30+ partners and was unaware that HSV isnt tested for on a standard panel so the odds are in favor of him having been with an HSV+ person before. He may even be positive himself because he is in a pool (based on age and ethnicity) that has a higher rate of carrying HSV. I asked if he plans to get himself tested and ask for all his partners results since he has decided it is a deal breaker, he said he will. I dont believe him. He is one of those types who likes to present himself as very open minded but I think like so many others he found himself caught in the fear and stigma. I didnt handle the rejection as I hoped I would have (I was pretty defensive and argumentative) because I did feel so blindsided by his change of heart. Moving forward I need to keep my hopes in check and take emotion out of it when someone decides not to proceed forward with me. I knew being defensive wouldn't change his mind, I was just SO disappointed and SO pissed.

So I had my first real “rejection” today and man...it was not easy. It was particularly hard for me because this guy had, in my opinion, led me to believe that he was totally fine with my HSV status. We had had a couple discussions previously to today and I had reaffirmed with him that he was interested in moving forward with a physical relationship. He had stated as long as we were being safe it was not an issue. Then today after some probing he said he isn’t comfortable with the HSV. He said he did some more research and just decided he didn’t feel comfortable. While I can respect a persons personal choice, I feel as though if he had any doubts he should’ve said that up front. I got my hopes up only to be blindsided a week later. While he said he is going to get himself tested and ask partners to do the same, I really don’t believe in my gut he will do this. I believe that fear and paranoia got the best of him when he thought about the possibility of contracting it himself and having to tell partners as well. I also think he may have been influenced by others. It still makes very little sense to me that someone who was all over me last week and affirming his desire for me could this week be in a completely different head space. I am trying to look at this as a blessing because to be totally honest I wasn’t 100% when it came to chemistry and feeling his personality. One thing this taught me is that I don’t need to settle with anyone simply because they “accept” my status. Even though there were a couple warning signs where i thought “mehhhhh idk if the chemistry is there” or “his personality is kind of a turn off” I was going to choose to ignore those because the satisfaction of someone wanting me sexually was going to make me feel good about myself. Today was a hard day but I am going to choose to take it as a lesson learned and move forward. It’s ok to get down but it’s not ok to stay down. Working on loving myself and only accepting what I truly deserve is what I need to be focused on

While I empathize with your anxiety over this one time unprotected sex situation, my advice is to move on. There is a reason doctors dont test for it and its because it is so incredibly common it is possible you would come back positive for one type or the other and secondly it will more than likely be a massive shock and emotionally difficult if you are positive. My suggestion...use condoms. If you feel it is the right thing to do, continue to ask partners whether they have been tested since their last partner. Regardless of their answer, you will have to take them on their word unless you ask to see paperwork. Sex is risky and unless you avoid it all together, the risk is there regardless. If you and a new partner decide you dont want to use condoms any longer you can also choose to have a discussion about HSV with them before you stop using condoms. Ask if they've ever been tested, let them know you have not been tested and decide as a couple how you would like to proceed. He will either 1) want to go get tested together so you both are aware of your status or 2) will say he would like to proceed without knowing his own or your status. In this way you are sharing the sexual health responsibility. Side note: one thing I would recommend you avoid doing moving forward to using terminology like "clean". Those of us with HSV are not "dirty" we simply carry a very common virus. While I cant say for sure who gave me herpes, I had a STD testing conversation with the person I suspect gave it to me. So there is only so much you can do to protect yourself

So I want to just start this post by saying that my main emotional distress with being HSV positive has been surrounded by the aspect of disclosing. The fear of someone calling me disgusting or a whore or making judgments about me has been absolutely terrifying. For me I decided that it would be easier to start my journey of disclosure by telling two guys that were actively trying to sleep with me but I had been intimate with before. Again to reiterate these were men who were trying to sleep with me currently and that I had had sex with before. I have in the last day disclosed to two more men, neither of which I have been intimate with (or even met in person) Guy 1: he is a doctor so I thought that maybe he would have a better grasp as to how common HSV is and be more rational about it. When I told him I’ve been exposed to it his only response was OK. He has since asked me if I have any stores or lesions which I told him no because I don’t have any outbreaks. We haven’t been intimate but the HSV is not an issue for him Guy 2: This is a guy I’ve known for quite a few years and we’ve only been intimate a handful of times or less. I actually hadn’t even seen him in the last 2 1/2 years until this last week. He was literally in the process of trying to come over to sleep with me when I told him that there was something I needed to tell him and it was that I have HSV. He asked for more information and it turns out he has type one. He was and still is a little anxious about the situation but has been incredibly respectful about it and has wanted me to give him a lot of information. Long-term I don’t know if anything sexual happened because he might be too anxious and I don’t wanna put myself in that situation but over and over again he has told me how much he respects my honesty and commends me for disclosing because he can only imagine how difficult and scary it must be . Guy 3: OK so guy three is the first guy I have told who i have not previously had sex with. I decided I wanted to do a bit of an experiment with disclosing to people that I hadn’t even yet met in person. He didn’t even know what HSV stood for but has since asked a lot of questions and told me he appreciates my honesty. The disclosure was all through the dating app for reference and he asked for my number and I actually just got off the phone with him. He wanted to continue communicating and has said he still wants to meet in person Guy 4: Another dating app guy that I got the feeling wanted to potentially have something sexual with me. We have already exchanged numbers and I decided that I didn’t even really want to meet him in person if he didn’t already know about my HSV status. So I told him and he said that he respected me for telling him that and that I’m a really good person. I left it with if you have any questions I’m happy to answer them and I haven’t heard back from him since. I have a feeling this is a dealbreaker for him. Some people may look at this as a rejection, but because of his respectful response I don’t take it that way. He chose to be nice about it when he could have ghosted or been disrespectful. So I know these are only four disclosures and two of them are to people I’ve been intimate with before. But these disclosures really have given me hope. They give me hope that in the end people really do respect honesty. Even if moving forward with something romantic or sexual isn’t what they were interested in, I am hopeful many people will respect me as a person for choosing to be honest with them before becoming sexual. It really would be easier for me to not disclose and just take the necessary precautions and sleep with these people. But I have decided that I would rather keep my personal integrity and risk rejection. It feels great to have been respected and commended for choosing this path. I don’t expect every person to be as kind as these individuals but as I said before it has given me hope for the future

I sympathize with your situation and understand your desire to make someone "pay" for not disclosing their HSV status before having sex. But I think you need to weigh all the different possibilities of how you may have come to contract HSV. You didnt mention what type of HSV you have or where. You also didnt mention your sexual history or whether you had been tested previously. These things are major contributors as to whether anyone could be prosecuted for exposing someone to an STD. The fact is MOST people have no 100% sure fire way to track who exposed them. You would have to have had NO other previous sexual intercourse partners if its HSV-2. Even then how do you prove your lack of previous partners? If its HSV-1 genitally you would have also had to have had only ONE male who has ever performed oral sex on you. Again...how do you prove this? Since this guy is positive yes it does make it more likely it was him, but it does not mean 100% that it was and to my understanding you would need to prove that in court for anything to happen. I have a gut instinct of who I believe may have exposed me, but I dont know for sure if he has it and to be honest, I dont want to know. The fact is we all take risks when we have sex. If you asked his HSV status and took him on his word and he lied, while that is really crappy, it was a risk you decided to take. Unless you have asked every single partner to show you results on paper for a full STD panel including HSV then you have always taken a risk. My suggestion is to work on acceptance and forgiveness and try to move forward

I’m going to try and keep this short and sweet. Was on a trip this weekend with my coworkers and per usual the alcohol was flowing. My boss decided to tell a story of when his ex-wife made him feel like he could have herpes because of some sores in his private region. I came in on the story about halfway through and as soon as I heard the word herpes I felt a sinking feeling. It’s my first experience with being around someone telling a herpes joke or in this case herpes story. I guess I am thankful that no one in the group said something ignorant like “ewww herpes” or “oh god aren’t you glad you didn’t have it??” Im pretty sure one of my co workers even said “it could have been something worse than herpes”. Who knows maybe he has it? Still I felt very conflicted because part of me wanted to speak up and say yeah I actually have herpes. But the other part of me doesn’t particularly want all my coworkers to know that much of my business. This is something I think I am still battling which is how to not live in shame but at the same time feel as though some privacy doesn’t mean i am ashamed...does that make sense? It’s almost like I feel I can’t do both. I want privacy but I feel my privacy is almost a way of saying “I’m ashamed to be totally out with this”. Has anyone found that this type of stuff gets easier with time? Where little comments or jokes don’t bother you as much? I’m only 6 months in so I am sure time does help some

I am going to keep my response as short and sweet as I can. The likelihood of you kissing someone with HSV-2, contracting the virus immediately, then kissing a girl giving it to her and then her giving it back to you genitally is pretty much impossible. If the first girl does have HSV-2...it is almost 100% likely it would reside in her genitals...not mouth. There is a possibility the girl you did receive oral from already had HSV-1 and gave it to you genitally...but I would say the first girl is a non factor. You were not very specific about what your sexual interactions included so its hard to determine what you might have been at risk for. The only other thing I will say is that you could have HSV (either 1 or 2) but if you do...there is no way to pin it to that night unless you have never kissed someone or had any sexual interactions. I dont know how old you are but it sounds like there might have been some gossiping going around about the original girl you kissed and maybe even some teasing/bashing. I hope after being apart of this forum you come to learn not only how common HSV type 1 and 2 are and how it transmits, but that ignorance and shaming are wrong and never warranted whether someone is or is not HSV positive. The fact is in a group of 6 of your male friends, one of them statistically has HSV-2 (genital herpes). In a pool of females its 1 in 4. If you haven't already slept with a woman who has HSV-2...you more than likely will in your lifetime. The more informed you are the better If you choose to get tested regardless of the results, I hope you use this forum to become more educated and less judgmental and maybe even choose to educate those around you as well.

One thing I will say is that if the girl you are dating is in the medical field there is a much greater chance she is totally fine with HSV-2. While doctors also tend to take the “you don’t even need to disclose” stance, she should also be familiar with how common it is and see it as a simple skin condition.

My roommate has been long distance dating and when in person having sex (without a condom) a guy who had on multiple occasions made a herpes joke. She was aware of her status long before meeting him and upon realizing she had the potential of passing it on to him even when she wasn’t having an outbreak felt she needed to disclose finally. Keep in mind she had already put him at risk, many many times. And he had made the standard “don’t worry it’s not herpes it’s just a cold” type jokes to her. When she finally told him while he did ask some questions he overall response was “this doesn’t change at all how I feel about you”. I am sure it is scary to tell someone you really like, but I think it’s worth it because if you just back away you will never know what his response would’ve been. Like @hikingGirl said...he could have it himself or have experience with contracting other STDs. Never know

It sounds like you are seriously considering this guy from long term potential so I think honesty is what is most important here. It could go any which way but in the end you will continue forward knowing you were honest and gave him a choice. I think most people are just so misinformed they need some time to do their research once someone discloses to them. My HSV-2 positive friend had never disclosed to any friends, families or partners because she was told by her doctor she couldn't transmit unless she was having an outbreak (so incorrect). She has since ended up in a long distance (but serious) relationship and they never use condoms when they are together. After discussing with me and realizing she has potentially already transmitted it to him she realized she needed to be honest. She told him and while he did ask a few questions, he overall said that it didnt change at all the way he felt about her. I would say this is of course the ideal dream reaction we all hope for, but she had exposed him genitally and you did not do that so take that into consideration. My suggestion would be to state the basic facts "I carry HSV-2 and I want you to know before things progress more between us sexually". I personally wouldn't even necessarily go into it apologizing for things having gotten physical because it is VERY VERY VERY unlikely he would contract HSV-2 orally. If he asks be honest it is possible but make sure you know the statistics about it. I once read an article that a herpes specialist had seen it one time in 30 years of practice. The fact remains that if you disclose before having intercourse with him...you've already done a lot more than most HSV positive people do. Most people with HSV-1 have no problem going down on others without disclosing although they can transmit it to their partners genitals. And many people just simply dont disclose at all. Be confident. State your disclosure in a way that shows you are doing so because you care and see long term potential. And dont apologize for being HSV positive. When it comes down to it most people have a form of herpes

A few things I want to address, but first and foremost you are not dirty or damaged goods. You simply had sex and was exposed to a very common virus that people contract all the time both on their genitals and on their faces. Are people who kiss dirty? Are little kids who are kissed by their grandparents and from that point on have HSV-1 dirty? No. You have to try and think of it from the same perspective. It takes time though and that is alright. As for the testing and contracting...you more than likely had recently been exposed the first time your blood was taken which is why you were negative. Apparently it takes awhile for the antibodies to build up and become detectable. It is definitely possible your boyfriend was a carrier and was asymptotic and exposed you...if he is positive. It is equally as likely you got it before him. If you are both positive there is no way for either of you to know who you got it from unless you have both been with a very limited number of partners. If you are positive and he is negative, then you obviously got it before him. I also want to just note that statistically speaking regardless of who you got it from, they were probably not be negligent. I think something like 90% of people who have been exposed to herpes, were exposed by someone who was unaware of their status. If you are aware you are herpes positive, you are more likely to be taking the necessary precautions like condom use and antivirals to protect your partners. It is the people unaware of their status and not using any protective measures who are most likely to pass the virus. Also...herpes isnt included on standard STD testing. Someone, like myself, who tests VERY regularly may think they are negative for all STI's and never know they are herpes positive and accidentally pass it on. As for antivirals, that is your choice. If your bf is negative it may be something that eases both of your minds when having sex. If he is positive, there isnt any reason to take them other than to minimize your outbreaks. If your outbreaks are minimal then it its really necessary. Again all depends on your boyfriends results and what you both decide works best for you two. I wish you the best of luck! The early days are the hardest it does get better and this website definitely helps!

Hello @lostandconfused99 and @wendy711 I am hoping to offer even the slightest bit of encouragement. I am only about 6 months in to my own diagnoses. Writing words like diagnoses and herpes is even still difficult for me. I am 28 and a single female (yahoo!) lol. I have had no real herpes outbreaks. I will have occasional nerve pain in that area. If I notice that I will take antivirals for a couple days. But overall I am not on any medication. You can ask your doctor to prescribe you an antiviral in case of a outbreak. Mine had no issue with that. It gives you a little peace of mind if something does come up, you are prepared. I am still dealing with the dating and disclosure thing myself. I haven’t done it yet but am exploring the dating scene again and am feeling more confident about my future disclosures. One thing i can say if that if either of you are in that mentally exhausting thinking and stressing about herpes all day every day phase...it does get better. I can’t say i don’t think about herpes still every day. It’s on my mind. But it isn’t as emotionally exhausting as it was that first few weeks. After I told a good friend of mine and she disclosed she has it as well, it really transformed in my brain to something less severe. I find myself pretty constantly reminded of people dealing with way worse shit than this. With physical or mental disabilities who would trade places with me in a second to live a more normal life. They face stigmas every day they can’t hide whereas mine is pretty much invisible and I only need to discuss it when I want to get laid lol. For me it has helped to look at it this way. The last thing I will leave you with is that even though I believe it does help to remind yourself it is a simple non life threatening skin condition, it’s alright to feel upset about having to deal with it. Everyone wants to be the picture of health and have no challenges in their way of finding love or relationships. That would be awesome. But unfortunately we ended up in a large (and ever growing) pool of people who have been exposed to herpes. Take some time to re-evaluate what you love, what’s important to you, how you like to spend your time. I wish you guys the best! Please feel free to message me if you want to chat!

@HikingGirl i completely agree with you about making assumptions about who exposed me, but in my situation I also had an unusual physical symptom right after I began sleeping with this guy I now know used to escort. So there are some other reasons why my hunch is that it was from him other than his sexual history. To be honest his past as an escort doesn't actually bother me, it is his dishonesty when I asked him about it. I don't believe you owe every person you sleep with a full background history, but if someone you are attempting to sleep asks you specifically about as aspect of your past you owe them the truth. My tendency is to run back to men who are awful for me in order to make myself feel better for the moment. Breaking that decade long habit is a hard one. In this case its a little easier because I know he is being sexually risky and I DO NOT want play with my health

But yet i still find myself toying with the idea of sleeping with him again! I’m trying to stay strong, so far I’ve succeeded but it is really really hard. The person I believe exposed me to HSV-2 I now know not only used to escort himself, but is also “dating” an escort. I confronted him about his escorting past (found his number and picture on escort sites from a couple years ago). He denied it up and down. I never asked him if he is aware he could be carrying herpes because 1) I don’t believe he would admit it if he is aware 2) if he isn’t aware i don’t think he would go and get tested and 3) it’s possible he would be very verbally abusive if he became aware of my status. I know a lot of people believe it is he right thing to do to make past partners aware of you herpes status. But I’ve been working hard on loving myself and I don’t want to be torn down by an uneducated prick. Also I planned to ask him about the herpes if he was honest about escorting. But he wasn’t. If he can’t be honest about that what’s the chances of him being open to he possibility of carrying herpes? I feel like I keep trapping myself in this negative self talk about how no one will ever want to sleep with me again if I disclose my herpes status. I know this isn’t true but it terrifies me still. When i was diagnosed I was looking to remove myself from casual sex anyways. But i don’t want to be celibate for the rest of my life. I enjoy sex and miss it. The hardest part about this guy who possibly exposed me is we had great sex. We had a sexual connection. But i don’t want to take any risks with my health since he is STILL taking risks with his by pimping out (I’m pretty sure) and sleeping with this prostitute. How do I stay strong?

I have not yet personally disclosed to a romantic partner so I dont know exactly what you're going through. What I will say though is that I have toyed with the idea of not disclosing to past partners and becoming intimate with them again, simply because I want to have sex. But when it comes down to it I know that I would feel like shit not disclosing. Maybe even so shit I wouldnt be able to enjoy the sex. If you never disclosed to him it would be a lingering secret on your mind. It might go away for weeks even months at a time, but I can almost guarantee it would find a way to creep back in. I have only been dealing with herpes for about 6 months, but I really have found the more people I tell, the more open and confident about my situation I am, the less it bothers me.

Hola friends! I was diagnosed with HSV-2 back in May. I had been sleeping with someone for a few months but had recently ended things when I was diagnosed (pretty sure he was the one who exposed me) I also cut off a guy who I’ve had an on again off again casual relationship with for about 2 1/2 years also right before diagnoses.. I haven’t had sex since being diagnosed for reasons which include, but are not exclusively to, herpes. I want to get back into the dating scene and would love any suggestions as to best practices with this. Ideally I usually like to have a casual partner while looking for long term relationships as well. How have people found the online dating scene post herpes? Are you quick to disclose if you are only interested in a sexual relationship? Disclosing to romantic partners is definitely the scariest thing about herpes for me. I have no problem discussing it with close friends though. Advise from anyone who has had success and failure in getting back into dating after herpes is welcome! Thanks!

Hello friends! I am a 28 years old female and found out I carry HSV-2 back in May. To give a little background I had no obvious herpes symptoms when I went to the doctors, the doctor even told me didn't think I had herpes. Fast forward a few days and I got the shock of my life. Since then I haven't had any outbreaks, keeping my fingers crossed I never do. It took about 3 weeks for me to process my diagnosis and I have disclosed to pretty much all my close friends. It wasn't until I told my roommate and she disclosed she has it as well, that I really felt OK with my new situation. Although herpes is still something on my mind every day, it is not all consuming and emotionally exhausting as it was in the beginning. So for those of you newly diagnosed, it does get easier! The area in which I am continuing to struggle in is really with regard to my self worth and feeling like it will now be impossible for me to find love. I have never been in a relationship. I have spent my entire adult life in long term "casual" situation-ships (as I now call them). I convinced myself I was alright with casual relationships with some of my partners, let myself be treated badly and then was most times left heart broken when my partner didn't want more. I know having a negative outlook on anything, let alone love, is not going to bring about the people and relationships I want. But how do I work on staying positive when I have never been in a relationship BEFORE herpes? It sort of feels like "if no one wanted me before herpes, who the hell is going to want me now?" Advice from anyone would be great! I feel as though I am okay with having herpes, I understand it is a skin condition and it may never be something I deal with physcially. But dealing with the stigma from potential partners, casual or otherwise, is terrifying.