Dumfounded

How are you feeling today? I'm sorry this is such a struggle for you.

You deserve to have sex with someone who doesn't fall into a panic afterwards because of HSV. You could educate him, but at the end of the day if this going to continue to be a big issue for him find someone who isn't scared of sex. Hopefully a little education and you walking away will teach him not to lose his shit over this with future partners.

It's no different than having oral HSV, same virus different place. You are not a "dirty diseased woman" nor have you lost your "feminine sexually." All of this comes from the stupid stigma associated with a virus that is medically insignificant. If our culture didn't have such lame puritanical beliefs about sex no one would care. You need to talk to someone. A counselor or someone professional who can help you work through this.

If the erroneous stigma attached to genital HSV wasn't there no one would even think to sue. Bringing lawsuits only add to the stigma by saying this is such a terrible thing it's worth taking legal action over. I think most can agree this is psychologically more difficult than physically. Even the medical community agrees that HSV is clinically insignificant in most cases. Most people don't care about cold sores even though it's the same virus. The difference is only where on the body it's found resulting in one being stigmatized and one not. The reason? Our culture's outdated and puritanical ideas about sex. If you really want to make a safer world start with education about HSV so that when some teen gets it s/he doesn't contemplate suicide. Or when this shows up in a long term monogamous relationship it doesn't blow up a family. Or when you disclose to someone their response is, "it's all good that's just part of having sex." I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I know it's not easy. I hope you find the answers and acceptance you need.

No, I did not have lesions everywhere. I had one small pea sized lesion on my left labia majora and another thumb print sized lesion on my lower right butt cheek (where the sits bone is). It really wasn't too painful. To be honest, this might be TMI for a public forum but hey it's a herpes forum so here goes, I have a hemorrhoid (thank you natural childbirth) that causes more discomfort than my outbreak.

So many people have HPV and there's a vaccine for it. Plus you can't even say for sure you have it. Furthermore maybe you got it from your wife. Like HSV it can be tricky to say. You and your family will be a okay!

@regularguy, you are a rock star! I don't think you can compare contracting HSV to rape. Yeah, it's pretty crappy to have sex without disclosing but it does not come close to rape. When you engage in sexual behavior you assume the risk of contracting an STI. Absolutely someone should disclose but considering most people who have it don't know it's difficult to police. Having sex has risks, but the alternative is celibacy. I think most people agree the risk is worth it. I know you're hurting and I'd be extremely pissed off if I contacted it from someone who knew and didn't disclose. You had your choice taken away and that's terrible. There is no excuse for that but the next person you slept with could very well have it, not known, and passed it to you. Furthermore, people don't always expect folks with oral HSV to disclose despite it being the exact same thing! Our culture just gets all uptight when it shows up on the genitals because we shame for having sex.

It sounds like your kiddos are lucky to have such loving and caring parents. When I had my first outbreak I was a mess. Who knew it could show up after 15 monogamous years!?! I was crying, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I was freaking out about passing it to my kids. It was shitty. My husband on the other hand wasn't phased. He's my rock. He kept saying, "I don't know why it's not bugging me, I just don't think it's that big of a deal." All while he held me tight as I cried. Since then I've researched it constantly and don't care so much anymore either. It's really not a big deal and you see that among some of the veterans who have had it for a long time. They aren't bothered by it at all. We'll get there! I'm already way less worried than I was. Although I am watching the clock wondering when/if the next outbreak will arrive. I check my vulva almost daily for anything, and I'm probably washing my hands way more than I need to. But hey, it's a process. This site has been a lifesaver!!!!!

For sure I would think if she had an outbreak bad enough to have symptoms she would have been in pain for longer. Considering that all credible resources I've read say transmission is not going to happen that way, coupled with symptoms that are rather atypical I just don't think you need to worry. What does your husband think about all this? And yes, we all scratch, rearrange, etc. If we could transmit it that easy every one would have genital herpes.

I really think you'll be okay. I just don't think it sounds like HSV and to be honest even your symptoms aren't definitively HSV. Again, I wouldn't be surprised if your HSV1 diagnosis was actually oral and your vaginal symptoms are something else. I know sometimes the lesions can be inside the vagina or that small tears can occur but unless you've had a swab and culture, or even better PCR, confirming the presence of the virus in your genitals it is just speculation. Particularly in your situation where the symptoms are atypical. Yeast can cause tears as well and itching and swelling and red bumps and all the symptoms you and your daughter have had. And now considering your daughter has thrush it's clear she's affected by yeast. Have you Google imaged pictures of yeast? I suspect that when you get your answers from ASHA you'll be better reassured. From one mother to another huge huge hugs! I am so so so sorry you are going through this. As a mother who has also stressed about passing this to my kids I know the fear and devastation you must be consumed in. I am so sorry for your stress but I honestly think this will all work out in your favor and life will return to normal. Please keep me posted. I also wish someone, with more experience would chime in here.

Yeah, it's been business as usual for us as well. Also since we figure it's something we both have there's no sex restrictions. At first it totally fucked with my head too. As for my husband he's handled like a champ, I can't imagine how it must feel when your wife comes to you and says, "I think I have herpes did you cheat on me," but he took it well and understood I had to at least ask. At one point we put the kids to bed, shut ourselves in our room with a flashlight, and inspected my vagina. AWKWARD! But he was curious what was going on and I needed help getting a closer look to see if it was what I thought it was. Haha! This whole thing has actually brought us even closer together than we already we're.

Hm, I've never heard of thrush and herpes being related. Also it seems like a primary out break on a child would last longer and be more painful but who knows. Wasn't she just on antibiotics? That can lead to both genital and oral thrush. A UTI or yeast can certainly cause pain and discomfort. At the end of the day though, You're her mom and know her best. You're doing a good job exploring this further. If she did have HSV it's important to get an appropriate diagnosis and if she didn't it's important to put your mind to rest and figure out why her discomfort. You are doing a great job trusting yourself and investigating this!

If your blood test for HSV1 came back positive, and you remember having a cold sore as a kid chances are your HSV1 result is simply from you having a cold sore and nothing more. Once you have one strain in one area of your body it would be very rare to contract that same strain in another area of your body. What does this mean for you? It means your boyfriend can perform oral sex on you and you're (most likely) not going to pick it up genitally since your body already has immunity to it from having cold sores. Make sense? I suspect those bumps are not herpes. Do you have a planned Parenthood you could visit with your boyfriend? Maybe getting checked out could settle you guys a bit. There are certainly risks with sex and the best way to mitigate those is with proper sex education. Enjoy your boyfriend and your sexual exploration but head to PP and get some proper sex education so you can move forward safely and with excitement and pleasure.

So you've seen a doctor? Did they swab the "bumps" and test that, draw blood, or both? What were the results of each teat? When they test the lesions directly they can test for the HSV virus. When they draw your blood they are testing for antibodies (your body's defences to the virus). When your body is exposed to anything it starts building an antibody response. With HSV this can take up to a few months to show on lab tests. So if your test was a blood test than you likely have had this for at least a few months already which would indicate an established infection. If your sexual exploration with your boyfriend has been only recent, a positive HSV1 blood test would indicate that you already had it, probably on your mouth, and probably since childhood. So in short how and what testing was done makes a difference in what is going on. And yes, sex education is subpar at best. HSV can indeed be transmitted during oral sex in either direction. It can also be transmitted without symptoms. In fact about 80% of folks who have HSV don't know because they simply don't have any noticeable symptoms. Lastly HSV is not a big deal.

Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if your HSV1 infection was oral and your vaginal problems were one of the many things that irritated vaginas since you've never had any lesions. Yeast, BV, hormones, birth control...

@girlygirl2528, I really don't think you gave this to your child although I so 100% understand your concerns. As a mother that was my biggest freak out other than thinking my husband cheated. Please please share the response you get. Also I searched their site for you and found this. https://westoverheights.com/forum/question/confused-and-scared/

Even if by some freak chance she caught this from you, you did not ruin her life! I've read posts too, where parents swear they passed it to their kids accidentally. Honestly, I don't know what to make of that. Kids get rashes in the genital area all the time, I would think (especially when a parent has HSV and is hyper concerned about it) that a diaper rash, pimple, or contact dermatitis would scream herpes at the parent. Every credible source I've read, however, reassures me that direct skin to skin contact is needed with the infected sight. Other than in the unlikely, but still possible, situation of auto-inoculation during a primary outbreak. This one actually worries me because if one can auto-inoculate I would think one could pass it the same way to someone else. During my primary outbreak herpes was not even on my radar and so I continued to share towels and such. And, like you, I don't always manage to wash hands after peeing when kids are screaming, glass is breaking, house alarm sets off, dog barking, phone ringing, etc. Mom life lol. Anyway, I will leave you with this article: http://www.herpes.org.nz/patient-info/parenting-herpes/

@glittereyes22, boy can I ever relate!! I've been in a monogamous relationship for 15 years with two kids and one day out of nowhere I notice an outbreak. I was dumfounded (see my name?). I freaked out and asked my husband if he cheated. He didn't and was just as confused as me. After some googling we realized this scenario is not that uncommon (obviously). I went to the doctor and got a visual diagnosis. Doctor drew blood and my IgG came back negative which, in the absence of a false negative, would mean my exposure was recent. So the assumption is that my husband is an asymptomatic carrier (like most folks with HSV). My doctor said she sees couples come in relatively often in our situation and is always surprised that they had no idea HSV could show up out of nowhere. I blame crappy sex education and an uptight attitude about sex. Anyway, to answer your question about your meds. I took mine but it was already a couple weeks into my outbreak so I don't think it did anything. One argument for taking the antivirals, even if you are deep into an outbreak, is that often times a second crop of blisters can show up during a primary outbreak and the meds can help with that. I have chosen not to take daily antivirals because I want to see how my body is going to manage this on it's own. Many people never have a subsequent outbreak. How is your SO handling all of this? My husband hasn't cared much about it. To him it's a non-issue. Initially I was devastated. Now I don't care too much... although I am checking my lady parts quite often as I anticipate a second outbreak.

It sounds likey you have genital HSV1, which is quit common. I think almost half of genital HSV cases are type 1 but I'm not sure. Anyway, you will not pass on genital herpes (regardless of type) through your mouth. So you can kiss and/or perform oral sex without worrying about you passing it that way. You could pass your genital herpes type 1 to your partner's mouth if he is performing oral sex on you. You could also transmit it to his genitals through vaginal sex. Basically for you to pass on your HSV something needs to come into contact with your genitals. Also has your partner been tested yet? HSV1 is so common he might already have it. In which case he has much less to worry about. If you are positive and he is negative there are way to significantly decrease the risk of transmission.

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Don't worry too much about passing this to your husband. Many discordant couples (where one has it and one doesn't) go a lifetime without passing it. And even if you do it's not a big deal. Most who get it have no idea. Others get one outbreak and never again (like chicken pox), and some have recurrent outbreaks but they progressively become more and more mild. In my situation we have reason to suspect my husband is an asymptomatic carrier and that's how I got it. To be honest we didn't bother doing any kind of confirmatory testing because neither of us really care who has it or who doesn't. We figure we most likely both have it and if not we both will soon enough. So for us, it's business as usual. I freaked when I first noticed an outbreak. I thought my husband cheated (he didn't), I thought I failed my children (I didn't), I didn't think I could possibly be a role model for my kids (I can). I cried a lot in the arms of my husband and wondered how I was going to carry on. I couldn't eat or sleep. I was a mess! It's been less than a month and I don't care so much anymore. I've since learned a lot about HSV and I'm not stressing over it anymore. I think you'll get there too. The best advice is to learn about HSV and soon you'll realize it's not a big deal.

Breath mama. You did not pass this to your kiddo. Direct skin to skin contact with the infected area is needed to transmit it. Which is why many parents with oral cold sores give it to there kids through kisses. I understand your concern though. I am also a married mother of two and I know the fear of inadvertently passing this to kiddos. I just had my first outbreak and I've been in a 15 year monogamous relationship with neither one of us ever having any symptoms of HSV. I was dumbfounded (hence my name). I worried myself sick that I might transmit this to one of my kids but everything I've read has reassured me I can't pass genital HSV to them. If your daughter is having vaginal discharge it's probably not a bad idea to see a doctor. Could be yeast. Especially if she was on antibiotics. How do you know you have genital HSV1? Did you have a genital lesion that was swabbed and tested? Was it a blood test? Both?

Your doctor must not understand that the effectiveness of antivirals depends on starting them early.

I'm sorry. I bet it was very hurtful. Having someone fully ready to be with you only to change their mind over something like you having HSV must feel quite hurtful. Hopefully the next round will be better.

I'm sorry it got to you so much but keep in mind people will reject you for all kinds of things, hair color or styles, personality, weight, height, economic status, location, annoying laugh, for being too introverted/extroverted, for having kids, etc. Herpes is just one of the many reasons someone might not be interested. It's all good. The fact that so many people have HSV and don't know it I find fascinating. That means the stigma exists only for the minority who have symptoms or who were responsible, got tested and came out HSV+. The majority of folks with HSV don't know and they are out there denying one person for HSV and giving it to the next. Again, there is nothing wrong with choosing not to take that risk (although I would argue choosing to have sex by default means taking that risk) but there's a dichotomy there that I find ironic.