adventurelovelife

hey all, just thought i'd update on here-he was fine. :) we are not dating anymore cauz he moved away, but he didn't get a genital ob and I didn't get an oral one. phew.

hello! I've dabbled a bit in the positive singles world (an online dating site for people with various STIs). I have found it to be not all that great-mostly because there are barely any interesting people on there in my area, who are in my age range.

Oh, and also, I have a friend who has HSV 2 and discloses constantly (she's not really into relationships right now). She's kind of my hero, actually. I wish I had her courage (mind you-she doesn't ever seem to get rejected, either! that probably helps with the courage factor). Anyway, she slept with a friend of mine and I know she told him the first night they got together (in the midst of a passionate night) and he was fine with it, and they continued to sleep together and he told me that the way she told him was cool-super casual and made him not worry about it. I think he'd also been with someone in the past as well. I think bottom line is that it SO depends on the person. There is no hard or fast rule, really.

I can speak from having watched my roommate react to finding out the guy she had been on a few dates with had herpes (she doesn't know I have herpes-only because, unfortunately, she cannot keep a secret and knows a lot of my exes friends, whom I would rather not have know because he is kind of mean). Anyway, the first day, she cried. She had never been exposed to anything like this before (which, considering how many people she's slept with, is probably not exactly true). We talked a bit about it and I told her what I knew (she probably wondered why I knew so much haha). She decided she would keep seeing him, but hold off sex while she thought it through. Within a few dates more, she had decided it was worth the risk. I know she was scared, but she did her research and decided the risk was low enough that it didn't matter. What's cool was that, at that point, she wasn't remotely sure if it was going to go anywhere, but she still decided that it was a small enough risk that she didn't mind taking it. It was really great for me to watch her go through it, because at first it made me so sad, to see her so sad and torn up about it, but how quickly she decided that it was all going to be fine. They are actually still together now, and it has not been an issue at all. so…this story kind of fits the profile! I know she felt the timing was good. IT had been about 4 dates in-sex was imminent-and he told her while they were in bed together.

Hey all, Are other people itchy

i think it does for me. I'm an occasional smoker ( a cigarette here and there when drinking). However, everything seems to be a trigger for me ;). It kind of makes sense though-cigarettes are bad for our bodies. I guess you just gotta try!

I still chose my confidantes carefully (I love my roommate SO much-but she cannot keep a secret to save her life, and I don't' want all her friends knowing). That being said, any time people talk about it, I chime in with my stats, and I know it helps! My same roommate came home crying this past summer, because the guy she was dating had hsv 2. SHe figured it was over. She gets cold sores, but had no idea that it was the same virus. I explained to her how they were similar etc. etc. etc. I said if she'd ever had oral sex with anyone who had cold sores she could have gotten herpes too (how I got it-but I didn't tell her that). She decided to stick with the guy, and now they are moving in together and talking kids! I'm bummed I"m losing a great roommate, but am happy I helped her realize that it's something people can accept. The more we share, the more we help. xo

hugs

super interesting discussion!

hmmm I'm going to amend that to it CAN BE a beautiful thing. haha. it can also be a disaster. ;)

thanks… I did try a herpes dating site…and had one good experience out of it-but it just felt kind of sleazy. I don't know why just putting it out there in print ("I am interested in a casual hook-up") seemed to take the magic out of it, but it did! I guess part of the fun is the unexpectedness of it all…right? Those times you just meet someone and the chemistry is strong and you just go with it… I've been thinking more about this, and I think that what I wanted to get across was that, for me, I think it's pretty tempting to start becoming more "moral" about sex now that I have herpes, and I can't be as casual and carefree anymore. It would make it way easier if I decided that casual sex was "wrong" or that people were "Just fooling themselves" because then I wouldn't feel like I was missing out. But, even though that door is pretty much closed for me now (and yes, I still mourn that), I still believe (in my heart) that with communication, casual sex and hooking up is a beautiful thing. just my two cents.

thanks everyone! I really appreciate the comments and feedback (and the detail!). Happy holidays, all!

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Hello all! I'm new on here, and really enjoying all the conversations-and most importantly-the support! I thought I'd chime in here with my two cents. I think the woman that wrote this article brings up some very valid points. However, she is painting all people with the same brush, and making a lot of fairly absolute statements that I don't agree with. I think we are so indoctrinated with conflicting messages about sex in our culture that it is very, very difficult to figure out what we actually think and feel. Especially as women, we are faced with a more sophisticated version of the madonna/whore complex of the past. We may think we are more liberated, but as a high school teacher, I can tell you that guys are still celebrated for sleeping around, and girls are still slut shamed. In our culture in general, don't talk about sex in an open and honest way, and that creates all these weird inconsistencies. On the one hand, sex is everywhere, but on the other hand, we still have these puritanical mores that underlie how we talk and think and feel about it. Not sure this is making sense. Anyway-after leaving a 12 year relationship-I emerged into the world of sex and dating with pretty much zero experience. Early thirties, and had only ever had relationships. I found that I quickly had to re-think all my thoughts about sex and how I felt about it-and often in ways that surprised me. For example, I have found that it is possible for me to be involved in a sexual relationship that is not "going anywhere"-I had a loving, wonderful 5 month "relationship" that was based solely on physical needs. I would have never, ever thought that was possible for me-and I still now look back on it as the most healing thing that could have happened to me at the time. It taught me so much, about myself and my body. The thing that made it so special, and what made it work, was communication. So many physical relationships are disastrous because everyone is too scared to talk about their feelings. I've since been hurt by the "friends with benefits" situations that the article mentions, and I'm sure have hurt others. What did all the situations have in common? A lack of communication. A lack of openness. Sometimes-that lack of communication was with myself. One time I convinced myself i was ok with our casual relationship-I knew deep down I wasn't. We have to listen to our gut. I feel like I could ramble on forever here, so I'll close with this: Sex is a beautiful thing. It's a beautiful thing when it's two people that are in love, and it's a beautiful thing when it's just two people that are in lust-as long as there is communication-and as long as there are precautions! If these two things are in place, I truly don't think there is anything wrong with "hooking up" or "casual encounters". (side note: that has been one of my biggest struggles with H-I'm still not ready for a serious relationship, and have felt quite ripped off at not being able to explore sexually in the way I would like to-and the way so many of my friends are. I am trying to be more brave and put myself out there when it feels right-but you all know how hard that can be)

Thanks so much. It's always a learning experience…:) I'll post when I know more…and if anyone else has any experience here…would love to hear it as well.

Oh, and I also wanted to add that you'll start to be able to feel out situations a little better…and it will always be different. Some guys you can probably tell earlier, others you may need to hold off a bit for various reasons. Good luck, and don't give up!

Hey you, I've been there…and I totally understand. I've only disclosed twice in a sort of casual sex vein, and one time the guy couldn't deal with it, and the other time he could. However, I have a friend who has had herpes for years, and tells everyone, and seems to have nothing BUT casual relationships! And she has a lot of one night stands too. She's very straightforward, and so far it has not seemed to have been a problem for her at all. I definitely think some of it is in how you have the talk, and your attitude about it. That being said, I just wanted to say that I sympathize with your predicament…I got H fairly recently after breaking up a 12 year relationship. All I wanted to do was have some non complicated fun. Oh well…it is what it is…right? I've been able to have a few different types of sexual relationships since then…including one guy whom I just said I didn't want to sleep with him unless we were exclusive (but we could do other stuff). I didn't want to tell him because I had a weird gut feeling about him, so that was my excuse and he probably thought i was weird, but, whatever. I guess he never liked me enough to be exclusive, anyway, so we fooled around for a few months and that was that. Hope this helps a bit! You just have to remember that some people are not going to be ok with it, no matter what, and others are going to be cool.

Hi, and thank you so much! Yes-I have read so much on here. This forum is amazing and helped me get the confidence to talk to him in the first place! I do know all the "normal" stats-but what I can't seem to find is specific stats on if you have sex during an outbreak…which is what I did. Unknowingly. LIke I said-I thought things felt weird…but I am always feeling weird, and I looked around and it all looked fine down there..and then we had some drinks and so it went. And yes, I have genital HSV 1 and he has oral HSV 1. So I'm wondering on the odds of him getting it from me since we did have sex during an outbreak (and there was a lot of touching in all places). I was just wondering if there were any stories of this happening etc? I guess I'm just trying to steel myself to the potential phone call. We had this great "last hangout", and I'd love to just "ride into the sunset" so to speak…but am obviously worried this may not be the case. :( :( :( It's such a bummer…especially since I am usually so careful. It's hard not to freak out.

Hi all! I'm new, and panicking. I've been seeing this guy for awhile, and we had the talk, and he was ok with everything (which was great!). I think he was partly ok with it because he understood it to be the same virus, and felt that because he has cold sores (and thus has HSV1) that he would have some immunity. He's moving away, so this weekend was our last hang out. I had been feeling a bit weird down there, but since I always feel weird down there (like, seriously 24/7),I didn't worry too much about it. Well, we had sex Saturday night (like-a lot of sex. for a long time). By SUnday morning, I was in mad pain. It was (and is) most definitely an outbreak. A big one that was obviously brewing. Anyway, I'm obviously worried as hell! I don't want to have passed this on to him-especially since we are now breaking up! I know that really, all I can do is wait, but I'm curious if anyone has any experience with this. I can't find much info-some info is very promising (it says you can't really get hsv 1 in different places except during the first year) and others that says it can be passed on easily. I also wonder then-am I going to get it other places now? We had oral sex, and then kissed….many times….agh! I guess that will be an interesting experiment too. I'll definitely report back. Anyway-in the meantime-any help/advice/anything would be much appreciated. I literally feel sick to my stomach thinking on our last hangout I ended up doing something so stupid.