DISCLOSING TONIGHT to new boyfriend...

[inspired32]

Hi, I have not been on this forum in quite a while because I have finally come to terms with my herpes about a year ago and this site only reminded me of my rough beginning with it. I do miss you all!

 

I have revealed a while back that my name is Alexa- and I have other posts if some of you are new and don't know my story. I recently just graduated from college and instead of moving home i followed my dream to move to LA! I have been here a few months and I plan to establish residency to go to grad school eventually for psychology.

 

I have been going through a lot during college with boys and having low self esteem and worth, but I am working through that and have met an amazing person through a friend's friends. I have been seeing this new guy for only a month and we DTRed (defined the relationship) he considers us dating and when i asked if he is my boyfriend he said isnt that the same thing? so i have a new boyfriend :)

 

Unfortunately this meant that already i had to reject him when he tried to go down on me. I have herpes type one on my genitals and i feel i mostly have to only avoid receiving oral sex... which sucks :( but i just lie to the guy and tell them i don't like it if they ask me why. this guy is extremely respectful and when i tried to go down on him he wouldn't let me and said it wasn't fair that he can't so i shouldn't be able to! i knew i had a problem on my hands... :) in a good way.

 

Now he is talking to me about furthering our relationship and wants to be intimate and have sex with me. so far he knows i value sex very highly and wait to have it. I thought about it and i want him to know the real me. i want him to understand why im waiting and who i really am and what ive had to deal with. I think i would have such guilt if i had sex or did something and didn't tell him.

 

my herpes type is a more rare kind in that it sheds less and i also have not had an outbreak since the initial which was 2 and a half years ago! my doctor told me i don't even have to tell anyone, but i disagree. Also, she claims protected sex is my most safest activity! I want to explain this to him and i am also worried i may lose him tonight. I sure hope he really accepts this about me because it really isnt a big deal. I have disclosed to a guy before but he was a hook up who turned to a friend and it was different telling him but he accepted it.

 

I also have had sex with my previous fling and felt so awful about myself because i never disclosed. I cant go through that again when i actually see a future with this guy in that our relationship is actually a real one. I also recently disclosed to my best girl friend because i needed support to talk about it with her in regards to my new boyfriend. I dont even mind talking about it at this point and the word herpes doesn't scare me or make me cry anymore! I think this will go well, but anyone have advice? im really also just looking for support and validation that this is a smart decision.

[NSgreenville]

It sounds to me like you are handling this very well and responsible. He sounds respectful and understanding. Don't hold back and tell him everything you told us. He will respond positively. Good luck and stay strong!

[mr_hopp]

Sounds like you got it, Alexa! He sounds like a caring, respectful (and funny) guy! :) Here's the fascinating thing about how the whole genital herpes stigma works: 80% of people have oral HSV-1 and it doesn't have any stigma associated with it. People kiss each other all the time and don't disclose that they have cold sores! And you have genital HSV-1, which if he goes down on you, is basically like kissing someone who has a history of having cold sores. It's the same risk! But for some reason, it's stigmatized if it's on our genitals. This can be part of your disclosure since it really underlines how not a big deal this is. If he wears condoms and you take suppressive therapy, there is a 1% chance of him getting herpes from you. There's more of a chance of him getting in a car accident, but he still drives, doesn't he? ;)

 

And you have read these handouts, right? They'll answer a lot of the kinds of questions he may have, including the amount of time genital HSV-1 sheds in between outbreaks.

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

[inspired32]

ok i did it. I just disclosed to him this morning about a couple hours ago. I am not sure how to take his reaction. He was very engaged and listened to everything and when i asked if he had questions he said not at this time. He pulled me closer and kissed me very passionately after I told him. He said to me i shouldn't worry about what I just told him, but when i asked does that mean he isn't worried? He said he isn't sure yet how he feels. Although overall he acted very positively and even asked me to shower with him (he was getting ready to go somewhere he had planned). I am just feeling very vulnerable now and emotional, because the ball is in his court. I told him that this is something he needs to feel comfortable with and he doesn't need to know now but that it is up to him. I am feeling like he accepted it and that it will be ok. However, it isn't right now, he still didn't say yes. And he did tell me he was very appreciative of me telling him about it. I also chose to tell him after a conversation he brought up last week about having sex and after him telling me today first how he is having emotional lulls after a kind of recent ex. I know we both were just very vulnerable with each other and maybe we need to process this all happening?

[kpeace13]

Hi inspired32. I think I can truly relate to how you may be feeling right now. In a perfect world, we would disclose to someone and their reaction would be well, perfect, right? They would say, "Thank you so much for telling me, you are the most beautiful girl in the world, and I am not at all worried about catching a STI from you!" You see, not to long ago I disclosed to a guy I had started falling pretty hard for. I knew I had to tell him soon, and I was nervous to say the least. His reaction was very similar to what you described. He was caring, and affectionate- but he was concerned. He needed to think it all through and he needed to know the FACTS. The next day I was a wreck. I cried, I was so sure he was going to reject me and think I was disgusting. Long story short- he didn't reject me, and the all of a sudden the TRUTH about herpes was all so clear. Its not that big of a deal, and it is NOT a deal-breaker- and if your man cant see past it, than he is not the right man for the job! But give it some time, I have a feeling you have nothing to worry about!

[inspired32]

thank you so much, that did help to hear your story. Yesterday I came home and cried so hard all day I felt dizzy, lightheaded and could not breathe. I am very worried because he was unavailable to hang out yesterday and today he just texted me : "I just wanted to let you know that I am pretty broken over this. Im not avoiding you, Im just thinking things through." and that freaks me out because I knew this would affect him. I feel like it will affect anyone and I am not sure how to handle this because i do like him so much. I am feeling so sad and worried now and i took on the victim mentality all day yesterday, which i have not done in almost a year.

[inspired32]

good news update! That text from him came when i posted around 3 pm. Tonight, just now at 10:30 he texted me saying: "i like falling asleep and waking up next to you. im not ready to be intimate with you, but im also not ready to give you up :) so if its ok with you... well just take it slow and see what happens?" I could not be happier.. it seems he is obviously accepting this and does not want to lose what we have. I am so excited to conitnue with him and see what happens. I understand the not being intimate part because he probably still needs to process everything that I told him.. i dont blame him.. i would be hesitant too. I hope within time we grow even closer and he is ready and doesnt change his mind or anything. I feel like it is finally my time to be happy- I feel this one time herpes came through for me showed me an amazing guy who I strongly deserve his love.. and not only that- it is making us move slower which is what i wanted with or without herpes i was not ready to have sex with him yet. THANK YOU HERPES! :)