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Stronger than ever: Herpes disclosure through a letter

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i have known forsure about my herpes for about 3 days now. & so far my first outbreak has been going on for about 6 days. At first i was completely in denial, thought i just cut myself shaving. But the second day of dealing with my outbreak all by myself, in so much pain, i started putting things together, two days before my outbreak i had been feeling feverish, and getting weird chills. then the day of my outbreak i still had those symptoms, and my neck was soo swollen it hurt to swallow. I am the biggest baby when it comes to not feeling good, i was in soo much pain, complete agony , and since i didnt wanna tell anyone, i had to just act like i was okay..


But everyone around me knew something was going on. so on the night of the third day, i told my mom, i couldn't take the pain anymore, i was weeping. i told her, and she didn't seem to think it was herpes she herself in denial said that i had probably just cut myself. I begged to differ, and explained more. (my mom used to be a nurse/EMT ) She then told me to let her see, & within two second she said its herpes. The next day, i went to the Doctor, same thing he looked, and within seconds said "yeah that's typically what herpes looks like" Both my mom and my doctor were very comforting, my doctor threw out some statistic & told me it wasn't the end of the world, & gave me a hug .. he genuinely cared to make me feel better.. it was nice but, i still couldn't stop the water works. From feeling completely disgusting and just plain ruined. All that could run through my mind was "im gunna be in this pain forever, its never gunna stop hurting. ill never be able to pee comfortably again"


And ofcourse, there is a guy in my life, who i completely have fallen head over heals for. so then there were the thoughts of telling him "did i give it to him, did he give it to me? did he cheat on me? Who could ever love & want to be with someone so worthless? Hes gunna hate me. I dont want to loose him, i dont want to tell him yet" But i knew, i had to tell him..


he like my mom knew something was up with me, i made it real obvious , not being able to get comfy trying to fall asleep, an then waking up in horrible pain in the middle of the night, and having to go home so he wouldnt hear me screaming in pain.. I blamed it on a uti, which made it easy to get out of having sex. Not gunna lie, i did wait about a day and a half to tell him after i knew. My medication the doctor prescribed me really started helping, i was feeling better, it didnt hurt to pee anymore. my outbreak was getting a little better slowly but surely & my spirits were lifting. But I still didnt know how to start the conversation, i didnt want to have to see a bad reaction, i knew i couldnt handle it. So i wrote him a letter. I have a copy of the letter & im gunna share it with you all.


im not sure if what im saying is gunna help any of you, i hope it will. i know the stories i read on this website truly helped me. I am so thankful to have found it.


so , not lastnight , but the night before i stayed at his house, and i had already written the letter, & planned to leave it at his house in the morning when i left so he would see it when he got home from work, but he ended up coming home early, & wanted me to go fishing with him .. i agreed to go, not wanting to pass up spending a little more time with him. we had a wonderful day & i stayed at his house again that night. the next morning we woke up & had a nice morning spent watching a movie and cuddling, he looked me in the eyes & said " i really like you" I dont know why i couldnt hold myself together, i started to cry, he asked what was wrong and i said theres something i need to tell you. he looked at me concerned and said to explain but i couldnt say anything but im sorry. i took his hand & pulled the letter out & put it in his hand, & said 'read this, & take your time and think about things, ive gotta go" he was just like forreal are you serious i just said see you later & he said will i ? & i said if you want to..


So heres what he read:



So im sure you are wondering why i wrote you this letter, & well i know if i tried to say everything i want to say outloud that it would never come out right. I probably wouldnt even have the courage to say half of what im about to write. But anyways, I guess a few months ago i picked you up, or whatever.. & ive really enjoyed getting to know you, even though ive known you so long. i like the person you are. i love being around you, your a all round good guy. & so far you have ben pretty understanding. Honestly i never thought i would feel the way i do now about you. I know it really hasnt ben a walk in the park for us, and i do wanna thank you for being there for me threw all that mess ( he got me pregnant & i miscarried) I guess i should go ahead and say what i need to say. your about to come pick me up and you have no clue of everything on my mind. i feel disgusting, so worthless. I honestly just want to make you happy and i feel like ive done nothing but add stress to your life. which is not what i wanted. So, what im about to say im trusting you nt to tell anyone, please even if you hate me , just respect me enough to burn this after you have read it over. I'll understand if you dont want to see me anymore. & i wish you the best in life. ughh i wish it wasnnt true but i have herpes. im not gunna accuse you. because there is a chance you dont even have it. no, i havent slept with anyone since ive ben with you & i really hope you havent either. but if thats the case id appreciate if you told me so i could have some closure. Dr ________ said you usually get your first outbreak 7-14 days after exposure to the virus. But some people are born with it, & some people have it for years and have no clue until there first outbreak. Uhg this sucks but honestly it doesnt even matter how or who gave it to me because there is nothing i can do, im stuck with it now.I think it could make me a better person. yeah crazy talkk right? Well the more stressed and unhealthy i am the more it will hurt me. Anyways, i believe if you truly, like/care about m it shouldnt really matter. there are plenty of couples where one person has it and the other doesnt .& they have medicine to make it noncontagious. I feel so shitty, its so painful. but i am getting better . I will completely understand if you dont want anything to do with me, but you should definitely get checked because shockingly standard std screening doesnt test for herpes virus. you have to get blood work done. isnt that bs, maybe 1 in 3 people wouldnt have it if they actually checked people when the go to get tested ! but yeah, i guess thats all i needed to say, i really hope you are ok.. if by chance you do wanna talk or se me again, you have my # just please dont say anything hurtful i already feel like dying.


Best wishes



then i added.


So im sitting on your couch, its saturday morning you can tell somethings up with me, i wanted so badly to give you this or just grow some balls and say it. im just terrified of your reaction. i hope if you decide to not speak to me that you wont have negative things to say about me, or negative thoughts. im running out of paper, im sorry.


So by the time i got home, he texted me and said "you really haven't ben messing with anyone else, the past few months?" I said no just you. have you? be honest with me i cant hurt anymore than i already do" he said "just you" I asked, "what are you thinking ?" he replied " i dont know what to think" i said "i understand." no reply..


i couldnt take my mind anymore, i didnt want to think anymore. so i fell asleep. & woke up to a text that read "dinner at 7? ill pick u up" i replied "ill be ready."

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so he picked me up at 7, we road across the street to a local sports bar we frequent at immediately after getting out of the car he gave me the longest hug, a hug a needed so badly. we went inside and got a booth in the corner, talked about our day for a little & then he said so i dont really know anything about it & we talked about what it was and how i was feeling. he seemed comforting. i didnt want to say this, but i needed to and im glad i did. i said something like " i dont want you to feel obligated to talk to me because you feel sorry for me, i dont want you to give me the idea your gunna stick around and then realize how worthless i am, and that im ruined. " & what he said after that, i couldnt have imagined something better for him to say, i fell for him harder than i had before just in those few seconds, he held eye contact with me, with tears in my eyes, and a look on his face so serious he said " i was planning on you being in my life, sticking around.. you cant be so hard on yourself, your still you.. your still the same person you were last month, your still smart, funny, beautiful and caring" he gave me hope. he reminded me of all that i was, and all the plans a had for myself just last week before i knew of any of these things. i started to cry and he came to my side of the booth and held me for a few minutes, i looked up at him and told him how thankful i was for him, and that if he were any other guy he wouldnt be saying those things, i said you must be crazy.. and its so cheezy but he said "im just crazy about you." we finished our dinner & went back to his place & layed down to go to sleep because he had to get up early and go to work. i cried for a little while just laying there in his arms, i didnt think he noticed but he eventually hugged me tighter and said "you're okay baby." & we fell asleep.. i woke up to him giving me kisses & telling me it was a beautiful day and i should make my way out to the beach & relax.. he kissed me goodbye & left. i layed in his bed awhile before leaving. i think im gunna take his advice & go to the beach for a little while.


when i first knew about my herpes , i thought my life was over. i thought my mom would think i was a sleeze, i thought my boyfriend would hate me, i thought i would never love myself again.. but just 6 days into this, i feel as though i can and will get threw this. & it will make me a better stronger person. Its already helped me realize that i am loved. I know, things wont always be easy.. but i know that i have to believe in myself, & keep a healthy mind & body.


i hope this gave someone a little hope. you have to have faith in yourself. you have to trust yourself & most importantly respect yourself.


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  • 1 year later...

Truly beautiful and uplifiting. Thank you for sharing!


I want to point out one thing that you put in the letter that needs correcting..because it's important to know:


they have medicine to make it noncontagious.


The anti-virals don't make you noncontagious ... they REDUCE the risk of passing it on (by about 50%... maybe more). So you need to understand that... and so does he. I don't think it will change how he sees this ... he sounds like a truly wonderful and understanding guy. But you both need to know that even with the anti-virals there is a *small* risk (without condoms, maybe 2%... less if you have HSV1 genitally from him)


Otherwise, beautiful letter... so happy for you :)



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