Advice on Telling Past Sexual Partners about Recent Herpes Diagnosis

[iamentj]

First, thank you for creating this forum.

 

Second, some advice. I only found out today that I likely have genital herpes (swab results should come back in a week, but as the doctor said "I can't think of what else it could be.") Currently, my biggest concern is letting past sexual partners know in a timely manner to prevent them from making decisions they otherwise wouldn't make. Except, I'm not sure how far back to go. The reason for this uncertainty is the following:

 

I recently slept with a new partner days before this outbreak. Since much of what I read says that an initial outbreak occurs in a short period from initial exposure, one might assume this may have been the person who exposed me. However, this person recently had a full STD screening and didn't test positive for anything, has had very few sexual partners, and was typically in longterm monogamous relationships (including his last partner who he was with for three years before we began our relationship).

 

(As an aside, I already informed of him that I likely have herpes and advised he get tested again, or be on the lookout for an outbreak himself if I am the one who exposed him.)

 

However, 3 years ago, I had an ex-boyfriend who chose to cheat and subsequently tested positive for herpes. We ultimately broke up (his decision, not mine) and every STD screening has been negative for herpes since then. Other literature I've read have pointed to the possibility that I could have had herpes since that partner and not have shown symptoms until now.

 

So the question is: Do I stop with informing my most recent sexual partner? Or should I contact my sexual partners from the last 3 years as a precaution? Either way, I don't plan on doing so until I receive confirmation from the test. As you can imagine, I would prefer not to contact others to save myself the embarrassment, but I also feel a strong sense of responsibility to inform those individuals. I really appreciate your thoughts.

[mr_hopp]

Hi iamentj and welcome!

 

Not all people will have an immediate outbreak after being exposed to herpes. I went many years before I had my first actual outbreak. Then I had outbreaks pretty regularly after that (about twice a year). So yes, it could have been your 3-year-ago ex. But it does boggle the mind that you say your herpes blood tests came back negative ever since then? What tests were you taking for herpes?

 

To answer your question specifically, if you find out that what you have is indeed herpes, then how would you feel if you didn't tell past partners? Would you hope that if the roles were reversed that a past sexual partner would tell you if they found out they have herpes and could have possibly unwittingly exposed you to it? You didn't know and neither did they. It's an opportunity to share the knowledge, not the stigma.

[WCSDancer2010]

If you DO go back several years you can just tell them you are being cautious for their sake...that your tests have been negative but that they are known for not always being accurate and you just want to make sure they are actually getting tested themselves anyway (explain that most "tests" don't include Herpes). Make it about THEM and THEIR health and well-being.

 

I get you are concerned about the embarrassment, but that is only because of the stigma put on us by an ignorant society. 30 years ago Herpes was just a nuisance skin issue...thanks to a drug company, we are now hiding what people used to just consider "another one of those things" that you live with. I got mine about 35 years ago and didn't think twice about it when I was diagnosed 2 years into my marriage (our blood tests back then didn't include Herpes either and I thought I was just getting a heat rash) when my now-ex-hubby came out with it. The only thing then was that I felt bad for him as he had a much worse reaction to it at the time. He never "blamed" me for it. It was just something that happened out of BOTH of our ignorance. More recently, I've come to feel like a leper, and I finally got mad enough at where society/the drug companies has taken this subject that I came fully out to EVERYONE. Have to say, I'm only getting positive feedback (beyond one person who was dumbfounded...but that is HIS ignorance ... he'll get over it...LOL).

 

It's your choice.... but IMO every time we address this with the "uninformed", we reduce the ignorance and the stigma a little bit more. And for ME, that is a pretty powerful thing :)

 

Peace...

[iamentj]

As an update, I received my confirmation from the doctor. He informed me that while the culture was positive, the blood test still came back negative so he assessed that I had recently acquired herpes. With that in mind, I've informed the two partners I've had in the last year. Sadly, for one who is overseas in a remote location (thank God for Skype and internet connectivity in the third world), his first opportunity to be tested will be over Christmas while visiting family so he's in a lurch for the next month or so. (His situation was why I was hesitant to disclose to partners before the most recent one since I felt I was putting him in a situation where he couldn't simply get tested and get some sort of peace of mind for himself.)

 

However, I suspect it is more likely my most recent partner, due to the timing of the outbreak. With both individuals, I've been passing information from this forum on to the both of them so that when they do get their results, they are not starting from scratch like I felt I was and are better equipped to process.

 

To new folks who may be reading this and dealing with a recent diagnosis, here are my two cents: Try to not take on a victim mentality. It is easy to blame others, to not take ownership over your actions to try and release yourself of blame or self loathing. But when you take ownership over your own actions and the results, I find you are better able to move forward. Nothing that happened TO you (this is with the assumption that your herpes diagnosis wasn't the result of sexual violence), but something that simply happened. At the end of the day, when you choose to have sex, you also take the calculated risk of being exposed to an STD. You take the risk that your partner didn't know or that your partner was not telling the truth. Hopefully it was the former, and not the latter. Telling a current or former partner that you have herpes will not be the end of your world.

 

Both of the men I had to tell were very understanding. And it was partly because I approached the conversation not as a victim, but as a responsible adult wanting to ensure that someone I cared about didn't make choices they would not otherwise make if they knew there was a possibility they had herpes. Given, it also helped that I was confident that neither individual would do anything to purposefully "harm" me, and if they gave me herpes it was because they simply didn't know. I also acknowledged the possibility that I also may have unknowingly gave it to someone else. Pointing fingers accomplishes very little, and probably does more harm. I approached the conversation not blaming anyone - not them OR myself. Shit happens. It is what it is.

 

I strongly believe things happen for a reason and there will be a time in my life when I'll look back on how I overcame (or, at this very moment, still overcoming) and be grateful for the experience. I don't see why I would be grateful now, but I'm sure I will at some point in the future. Regardless, overcoming any challenge makes you a better and stronger person. So here we all are, overcoming and becoming better people. It's a nice thought, isn't it?

 

And finally, thank you Adrial and WCSDancer for taking the time to respond to my initial post. There are so many new posts and you both take the time to answer so many of them. The time you choose to spend on this forum to provide knowledge and reassurance is amazing. And without having had herpes in the first place, this forum may not exist - so thank you for overcoming and making herpes into an opportunity to help others.

[WCSDancer2010]

iamentj:

 

I am very touched by your story - first because of your ownership and how well you are taking this part of your journey. It can be very scary and confronting at first.... it sounds like you are handling this very well...and I'm glad both your partners (recent and ex) are taking it well too. This is so heartening to read and I hope it provides inspiration to other newly diagnosed folks..... diagnosis and disclosure often brings up all kinds of unresolved issues and it's good to see such a positive result :)

 

And glad to help. My goal is to reduce the stigma, one person at a time :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[cc123]

@iamentj you are SO strong and positive. wish I could find some of the strength you possess. thanks for sharing

[iamentj]

@cc123 - you'll find it, I promise. I'm only a few years older than you, but have had the "opportunity" to experience my fair share of personal tragedies and life stressors. I had to sit myself down and compare my recent diagnosis to the other "worst days of my life". Was this worse than when a good childhood friend of mine was murdered while she was a church missionary? No. Was this worse than my dad passing away suddenly from a heart attack (at which time I was grateful for having had the experience of coping with my friend's death because it gave me a point of reference to reach back to)? No. Is this worse than living in a third world country where we had security threats on a daily basis due to terrorists targeting Americans? No.

 

Hopefully your herpes diagnosis was a part of a decision you made on your own to have sex with a partner you cared about. If it was, then think of all the folks out there (and on here) that didn't get to make that same choice because they may have been a victim of sexual violence. And if you are that person, know that you also have the strength to overcome that experience too (although easier said than done). At least I (possibly we) had a choice, whether or not we feel we were fully informed on the prevalence of herpes.

 

If you haven't yet had your own personal tragedies that will help you bring this experience into context, then realize that this may be the first "tragedy" that you will one day be grateful you had because it'll give you a frame of reference on how to deal with the unexpected, with the stress, and with feeling alone among your peers. And later down the road, you might realize this particular experience was less of a tragedy and more of a moment that set you up for success when it really mattered.

 

I've chosen optimism right now, but I also know that when I am on the receiving end of a rejection after a disclosure the optimism will be hard to maintain. The experience will probably make me feel less attractive, less valued, less of the person who I felt I might have been before herpes. But I am also confident that feeling will pass.

 

I'm rooting for you!

 

[WCSDancer2010]

iamentj ... tried inserting *hearts* here but I can't seem to get it to work.... *hearts*

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

iamentj,

i appreciate your view on ownership and responsibility. yes when a perpson has sex there is always a risk. for me the difference is this. i have it becuase my ex knew he had oral and genital and withheld that from me. its hard for me to see where in my case what my responibilty comes into play. I agreed to intimacy with him not to be exposed to an incureable disease. like you, I had to tell the person i dated sincemy ex and i split up who turned out to be negative. that was tough. i know for a fact it was my ex who lied about his status who gave it me. i knew testing for herpes has to be requested for for along time and not routine. im not a person who slept around ever. i made testing for everything a regular thing for me because of a previous longtime bf cheated.All my teste were negative before this ex. In fact, I was tested right after we got toether and was negative. so he gave it to me sometime after that. i just dont feel i have any responsibilty in my case. as i said i respect your take on it and how hard it is to have to tell a past partner. i have only known for about 3 weeks and im still in shock, distress, angry.

[iamentj]

hey there baffled1:

 

i totally understand where you are coming from. i have always been very careful and sexually responsible in the same ways you describe. and when we are responsible and choose to become intimate with someone, we have certain expectations that folks are equally responsible. and when that turns out not to be true, that's devastating.

 

but here's the hard lesson. we can be as good as we can possibly be. but not everyone is. we have to hold ourselves to a higher standard because we believe in our own integrity, our ability to accept responsibility and ownership. and in your case, it's not so much the responsibility or ownership over how you got herpes. you need to take ownership over how you let this affect you. you have the responsibility to not let this destroy your life. that's where ownership and responsibility come into play.

 

sometimes when babies fall, the adults around them act like its the end of the world and the baby starts crying. but if the adults acted like it's not a big deal (because it's not), the baby moves forward and learns to cope better in the future. if you let this be the end of your world, it will be and will feed into itself by making you feel like it is. but if you choose to not let it be a big deal, then you can move forward. you become a stronger person.

 

let yourself be in shock and distress. let yourself be angry. i'm a big believer in letting yourself wallow to get the emotions out. but remember to take responsibility over yourself, and take ownership over how you let this affect you.

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Iamentj

thank you for putting your take of responsibility and ownership on my story; which is what I was hoping you would using your experience to mine. Thank you for saying that its ok to feel the way I feel; mad, hurt, angry, etc. I was starting to begin to feel from other spots that I shouldn't feel angry, etc. By you saying that is how I was hoping this site could be helpful. Right now, I'm still in shock, a denial in some sense, and overwhelmed with different emotions. it will take time just to sink in.

[iamentj]

baffled: it will definitely take time and we all operate on our own timeline. for whatever reason, the way my experiences have shaped me into who i am today also allowed me to move forward from this fairly quickly. and your experiences will influence how quickly you process this new situation. (and hopefully set you up for success when the next stressful life event throws itself at your.)

 

the impression i get from your posts is that you are a very responsible individual who holds herself to a high standard of accountability. and you want to hold someone else accountable (and have taken specific actions to do so - and good, this will make him think twice about not disclosing in the future). because of this, i know you will also hold yourself accountable in terms of making yourself process and move forward in your own time. you are a good person, who will do the right thing.

 

i also feel that this accountability will also mean that you will never be the type of person who would not disclose. you also know that disclosing to future potential partners is going to be uncomfortable and intimidating, and could end in a lot of rejection. the fact that this scenario now exists when you have conducted yourself in a way to prevent such a scenario probably makes you very angry. it also might make you sad and scared. and all of this just...sucks. a lot.

 

but the upside is that you are clearly a person who is strong in character and you'll get through this. process the shock, the denial, and the other overwhelming emotions in your own time and in your own way. getting herpes was beyond your control in a lot of ways, but you have the opportunity to take control from this point forward in terms of not letting this destroy your life.

 

(and as an aside, i don't think folks meant to suggest that you shouldn't be angry - just to not let the anger consume you to the point of not being able to process the shock, the denial, and the other overwhelming emotions. probably because we all have, at some point in our life, allowed the anger to consume us and in hindsight we saw how it hurt more than it helped in letting us move forward with our lives.)