Genital herpes HSV1 - Diagnosed for 1 month, still having a really hard time

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

I was diagnosed a month ago with genital HSV1. I got it from oral sex. Didn't even have sex with the guy. Had not had sex in over a year and was the first guy I let go down on me in 3 years. The guy who gave it to me was totally understanding and wanted to be with me, but now does not because he doesn't want anything serious. We have had sex now, because I figured well, what is the worst that could happen now? And at least someone wants to have sex with me. I am at a total loss with everything, I have no idea what to do.

 

I tried getting on positive singles today since he has decided to do the wrong thing and not stick by me, and most men have HSV2, which I can still catch and don't want to risk that since I have the "better" of the two. (less outbreaks, harder transmission). It is sad that I feel this way, but HSV1 initial outbreak wasn't exactly a walk in the park and I have heard HSV2 is worse usually. So I am not exactly keen on risking having both types. Please no one take offense to this, just as I didn't want HSV1, I don't want HSV2.

 

I remember clearly repeating to my doctor over and over, "but I didn't have sex." And to that he said, I am sorry, it is really unlucky. My initial outbreak was rather mild after reading many stories. It lasted just 7 days. I mostly broke out on my bottom. If I were to drop my pants no one would have been able to tell. It didn't look like the pictures. I didn't have any skin burning or itching on my skin. I just had some burning when I peed and some itching when I peed, then the bumps came. One on sunday, the first one, and a couple more would pop up each day. It looked like pimples. I saw my doc on Wednesday and was already healing. Started valtrex immediately. No outbreaks since. Knocking on wood that I may be lucky and never have another one. To be honest, physically it wasn't horrible. I could walk and sit and stand, mild discomfort. I feel blessed for that, I have read just horror stories. I took off work mostly because I couldn't stop crying and was so shocked. I had always been careful, always safe. I am the girl who warned friends of how STDs were transmitted and begged them to use condoms. I was that girl. I was Ms. Safe, never let a man touch me. Get tested even when I haven't been sexually active. And then I opened up to someone.

 

I have researched every day since I have been diagnosed, reading stories and crying as I am reading because I knew exactly how these other people felt. My heart broke because it made me realize that I am not the only one feeling these feelings. It was as if someone out there knew exactly what my heart was going through and was reading my mind. I would read things that I had said to myself in my own thoughts. Every day is a battle, one minute I am up the next I am down. And some days it barely crosses my mind, and others I go into a panic because I can't stop thinking. Mostly about my future. Will I get married, have kids. I wouldn't want someone with herpes, who would want me? (Again, this is not to be offensive, just feelings I am working through, so please understand). I am trying really hard to forget about this and go back to being my normal self, but I can't, hence why I started seeing a therapist.

 

I started seeing a therapist, am on an anti-depressant, and anxiety pills, and daily valtrex. I am 23. I feel like my life is over. (I have been told this feeling will go away). I am scared to death to try to date. I feel disgusting. I just can't explain everything I am feeling. It would be a novel. I graduate college in December, degree in accounting. I just am on the brink of seeing the world and this happened. I am smart. I have a 3.74 GPA. I work hard. I know there are good things about me, but I can't imagine it being enough to say ya know what, hey you got the herpes, it's totally cool, I will still put my vulnerable body part in you. I am picky. I didn't date alot before this, and rarely would give guys a chance for the fear of getting hurt. Now I have genital herpes which makes everything much more complicated. I was a stressed high strung individual before this which turned guys off, but its just part of me, its how I feel I am successful. So now guys are going to see okay, she is high strung, stressed, worries too much, and she has herpes. I just am scared. Of so much.

 

I am angry at him. He thinks it is fair to just walk away after doing this to me. I know that part of it is my fault too, but if I was in his shoes I would be at the mercy of the person I did that too. That is who I am. He didn't have an outbreak, I was the LUCKY one who got it from oral sex with no symptoms. I do know it was him because I was tested last October and was clear, had not engaged in any act that would have transmitted it prior to him, and my bloodwork this time was negative on both IgG and IgM, meaning I never had been exposed before and my body had not made enough antibodies to show up yet, my culture was positive though.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't sleep around. As I said, I had not had sex in over a year and this was the first guy to go down on me in 3 years. I got a really shitty shitty hand, as most of us did. (excuse me). I feel like me and him have some options and he won't budge on any of it. Here is what I have suggested: we have sex until you get it down there too so you will be forced with the same stigma and rejection I will face for the rest of my life (basically so he can't end up with a perfect fairytale while I am stuck alone for the rest of my life), I sue him (I have found out that is possible), or three man up and be with me.

 

None of those options feel right in my heart because I don't want to be that way, but it should be fair. It should not be me dealing with this alone, paying for my medications, facing the hurt and rejection that I know will happen. He was a part of this too, regardless of whether he meant to or not. He has a responsibility in this too. If I was pregnant he couldn't just walk away, he would pay child support or something, so just because it's an STD shouldn't make him any less responsible. I need to know what to do. He is 30. He should be more mature than this and responsible. I just need answers.

 

Sorry this is so long and everything is kind of everywhere. It is hard to put everything you are feeling and thinking in a logical way, when in your own mind your thoughts jump from one thing to the next. Thanks for all the help. Blessings to you all.

[mr_hopp]

Hi DBT,

 

I like the username you chose. It feels true to what is happening, but also acknowledging that you are also doing something about this feeling of defeat you're (temporarily) feeling right now. And we're here to be there with you step by step through this defeat and into self-acceptance and knowledge and happiness and everything after that. You will become more strong and self-aware thanks to this. You will live a beautiful, sexy life. That is my promise to you.

 

It's important that you get that what you're feeling right now is normal. It's all part of the process of integrating this into your life and learning from it and growing from it (cliche-sounding, I know, but trust me on this). :) Have you read up on the healing process? It's helpful to know that these are all the stages of grieving and healing. And letting it happen without self-judgment is where all the healing naturally occurs.

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-healing-process-the-5-stages/

 

And about that whole "my life is over" thing? I get it because it comes up a lot in our worst-case-scenario imaginations, but you know what? It's bullshit. :) Your life and the happiness that is possible for you and the love you will feel is in no way compromised. Here are a whole slew of links for you to read up on about this:

http://herpeslife.com/the-herpes-self-acceptance-process/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-help-one-magic-phrase/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1723/wanting-my-sexy-back/p1

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1333/newbie-confused-how-i-got-herpes/p1

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1700/hard-being-positive/p1

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1711/how-long-does-it-take-to-get-over-herpes/p1

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1702/i-am-scared-of-what-will-happen-/p1

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1574/herpes-is-always-on-my-mind/p1

 

Over 50% of new genital herpes cases are from oral sex. There's just a huge misunderstanding about how herpes is spread and that cold sores are actually oral herpes. Here's a blog on that:

http://herpeslife.com/genital-hsv-1-herpes-and-oral-sex/

 

And yes, you did get the "better" of the two if we're comparing. :) Here are the rates of viral shedding in between outbreaks based on what strain of herpes you have where:

Genital herpes (HSV-2) = 15-30% of the time

Genital herpes (HSV-1) = 3-5% of the time

Oral herpes (HSV-1) = 9-18% of the time

Oral herpes (HSV-2) = 1% of the time (very, very rare)

For more on this, here's the full blog article:

http://herpeslife.com/hsv-1-hsv-2-types-of-herpes/

 

Know that your life is not over. The layers of the onion are being peeled back. What you said here jumped out at me: "I didn't date alot before this, and rarely would give guys a chance for the fear of getting hurt." This is the tender, vulnerable part of yourself that you get to be more and more in relationship with through this healing journey. The part of you that is afraid of being hurt. Because that is the part that the right man for you will see and fall in love with. That's how getting herpes isn't a dead end. It just puts all of our worst fears on blast so we can really look at them, bring more awareness to them and take the power back that they used to have over us. That's the Herpes Opportunity.

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Thank you for all of the links. It's probably going to be something I go back to time and time again. I appreciate your kind words. I have been told the first year is the worst. After that, the emotions tend to lessen and you start truly getting through it. Having a support system I think will help me because I can't do this alone and I've realized that. I need help to get through it from people who know what I'm going through and won't judge me for having a "bad day" with it. I call them my "bad days" when I'm asked if I'm okay. And I have been told in the past month to just get over it and move on. I've been told, you are making this a bigger deal than it is, you are looking at yourself wrong. Maybe I am. But it's only been a damn month and I wish everyone would give me time. I need time. And I need days to cry and I need support. And I need to know it's okay to be angry and it's okay to punch your steering wheel and everyone look at you like you are crazy. I need that time and I need my moments. I need people who don't have it (mostly my parents and friends) to stop telling me what to do to fix it and just let me vent and keep their mouth shut and just let me air my feelings or cry or scream. I wish people who don't know what it's like would shut up. Because they don't know what they would do or how they would feel. Or most importantly how much it hurts when they tell you it's okay and things will get better and someone will want you. If you don't have it, you don't know and can't open your mouth on what I should or shouldn't be doing. It's a big deal to me. It's all easier said than done if you aren't rocking on the waves in my boat with me. Medication has helped although this is not something I want to be on forever. As my therapist said, this is a crutch temporarily to get you through this time of acceptance, not a permanent fix for the emotions. You have to do that with time.

[WCSDancer2010]

Hi DBT:

 

You said: "Will I get married, have kids. I wouldn't want someone with herpes, who would want me? (Again, this is not to be offensive, just feelings I am working through, so please understand)."

 

Yes you will. Read the success stories on here... many, MANY people fall in love with a H- person who loves them WITH what is in reality a nuisance skin condition. It CAN happen......

 

Anyone who has not had H+ will not be able to relate. They just can't. I find it funny that the people I talk to in "regular" conversations are rarely judgmental about it...somehow when it happens to "us" it becomes a whole 'nuther thing. I think it is fair to say to those who tell you to "get over it" that you just need space to adjust to it. Tell them what YOU need for them to feel supported.

 

That said, they are all right - with time comes acceptance and understanding. You WILL be loved and you WILL learn to live with it. Just be patient with yourself. Perhaps your (H) Opportunity will be to start to be able to tell people what YOUR needs are when they are trying to "help" in ways that are not working for you.

 

((HUGS)) and Love...

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Thank you. I probably should read the success stories board everyday. I don't know if that will be the thing that pulls me through this. As I said, it's mostly my future that scares me. I have always felt hard to love before this and just more so now. I feel like I sound pathetic because I know I am not the only one dealing with this, so I hate being so down about it. I guess time will change that outlook too. Patience is hard to come by, but you are right. I guess I just really do need time.

[WCSDancer2010]

Patience, Grasshopper, Patience

 

Yes..... :)

[cc123]

@defeatedbuttrying I am so right there with you. this is so hard. for me it's only been a few days.. I'm in that can't eat/can't sleep stage where I have no idea how I'm going to handle it. they say stress triggers outbreaks.. which is ironic because now that I know what I have I can't imagine a time when I won't be stressed.

 

sending positive thoughts your way while still trying to find my own. xo

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

@cc123 I have tried to stay away from the "I just got diagnosed" posts because I am just worried I'll do more damage than good by trying to help someone at that stage. But, I know what you are going through. I've been there and my heart hurts for you, I stayed cooped up in my bed for a week. A solid week. Only left to grab me smokes because that was the only thing keeping me calm.

 

I will say this. It does get better. I'm like 65-75% there I guess, if I would put a number on it. Some days that percent goes up, like when I purchased my graduation dress today, and some days it drops back. You will need time. And it's okay to feel what you are feeling. It's okay. It's going to be okay. And each day will get easier. If I could hug you and tell you it may not seem okay now but it will in person I would. I needed hugs and a shoulder when I found out.

 

The stress for me the first few days was the hardest. Now it's a day by day thing. Some days I'm good, some I'm not. Let's see the last time I cried wasssss Tuesday. Before that maybe a few days. Yeah. So I promise you aren't the only one. Give yourself time to heal, I'm not all there yet, but I'm trying and you can do this. I have faith in you. You are strong, but it's okay to "feel" like you aren't right now. I'm here to help you and so are many other people.

 

This site has helped me. I check it everyday because it just makes me feel so not alone. If you need to talk I am here for you. Hugs to you and blessings. You can do this! :)

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

The main thing I want to convey to you is it's okay to feel this way. No one was telling me it's okay to feel this way. And that was and has been what I needed. It's just okay to feel everything you are feeling. It's okay to feel like this is a big deal right now and (I'm starting to tear up) because I know it's hard, I just want you to know it's okay. These feelings will change with time. It's just okay. Okay? Hahaha I know I've said it a million times but it's what I needed to hear and it seems you might too. You are an amazing beautiful person. Hang in there!

[cc123]

thanks so much @defeatedbuttrying. it helps to know that this feeling won't last forever. it's so hard to be positive right now but you and others on this site are such a blessing. I'm just so mad at myself because all I can handle doing is laying in bed alone.. when I try to do more I fall apart. I just want to feel better and get back to my regular life (again, it's not so much the physical symptoms as the psychological ones.. and I know I should be grateful for that). Anyways, thanks for your posts, I connected to your story so much.

[Aerial2013]

The man who gave me H decided he couldn't be intimate with a size 6-8 gal....he needed a size 2 gal supposedly to feel satisfied. He seemed pretty satisfied when we were together, but..OK. At first, I felt like it was totally my fault for trusting and opening up to the wrong man, and to be honest...that's still a source of shame when I think about my kids finding out. But it was NOT my fault that this man is a shallow, inconsiderate human being who doesn't value another persons feelings enough to be honest from the start. I was PISSED once I held him accountable for his part! Someone (I wish I could remember who without going back and looking) made a passing mention of a Sweeney Todd action that felt quite appropriate and funny! In the end, of my anger towards him (which I've just recently let go), forgiveness is freeing me most.

 

At any rate, in the midst of what I've called "the blender" of the last 3-4 months, I've discovered a mirror. The "opportunity" for me to look closely into the proverbial mirrir H has provided to see what's been there all along, and finally get REAL about it.

 

I've been getting to know someone who is also H+. We're not sexually involved in any way, but there is mutual interest and attraction that may or may not come to life in the future. Neither of us has any expectations, only expectancy...and there is a difference! It's fascinating to be at this place of potential relationship in the absence of sexual intimacy. I am REALLY enjoying learning to be who I am without a relationship defining that for me! I'm enjoying getting to know someone as a friend who respects my need for independence, enjoys my company as much as I do his, and at the end of dinner says, "This has been awesome! Can we do it again?"

 

I enjoy sexual things aLOT (yes, younger gals...it's better in your forties), but I don't want degraded love EVER again! I don't "like" abstinence (in fact, it sucks!), but I LOVE feeling better about the truths this journey has revealed so far in ME!

 

@defeatedbuttrying, I LOVE the raw, unedited honesty you let us in on! Thank you!

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Ahh yes, peachyogurt I think was the Sweeney Todd person. Made me laugh really hard, which I needed. Ya know the past week has shown me peoples true colors. It's crazy. Like, as bad as I am hurting and emotionally wrecked I can see how having this is showing me who people truly are! INSANE! It truly is a filter. I am getting it. Slowly. But God how enlightening it has been the past week to see who people truly are. It is almost hilarious to realize who you thought you could trust and count on, you can't! Blessings in disguise.

 

And you are welcome. I kind of just spilled my guts out. It just happened. Haha.

[WCSDancer2010]

" It truly is a filter."

 

YESSSSSSSSS!

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

:) :) :)

[abc123]

All of you are awesome ladies. I am new here. Spend most of my lonely weekends and evenings on this site, jus reading and relating to all these stories. I want to post my own story too. It is a very long and sad story. I hope writing about it will help. Thanks, abc123

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

@abc123 we are here for you. Post away, vent, let it out, whatever you need and feel you need to do. It helps. Talking to those who truly understand the emotions and feelings you are working through. We all are either there, have been there, or falling back to there. It's a process and I'm no where near being totally healed, totally okay. You are in a safe place. This is my safe zone, I'm freaking out zone, comfort zone. Post away, your story may help someone, you never know. But I do know we will be here to support you and love you. Hugs to you. :)

[abc123]

Thanks, DBT. My story is awful. I hate myself. I am nowhere near any kind of forgiveness for myself or the other person. I do not see it happening anytime soon. My story is very long, so I will have to post in sections. It hurts to talk about it, but I know I have to do it. Thanks again.