After the herpes disclosure

[clementine]

after my recent disclosure that didn't go so well, i didn't know whether or not to expect to even hear from the guy again. my best friend was in from out of town this weekend so i spend a lot of time with him, and it took my mind off things. i told him, and he of course didn't judge me, but i didn't expect any less from him. by sunday night though, i hadn't heard from the guy, so i decided to text him. before i disclosed, we would text every day, but if he didn't want to see me again, i wanted him to say it. so we sent a few texts back and forth before i asked him, and he said he's been thinking a lot about it and wanted to know if we could just be friends. it was what i expected, but it kind of sucked to hear it. i told him i understood and that i could be just friends. i don't know how i feel about it, obviously i wanted more, but i guess i'll take it.

 

i just don't know how i'm ever going to feel normal again. i don't want to be alone forever. but it seems like now, i either have to disclose really early on, to warn the guy, and inevitably drive him away because, if he doesn't even know that much about me yet, why not just get out while you're ahead, right? so the other option would be to take things so slow, and wait to disclose until he's falling for me, then tell him but he'll wonder why i didn't tell him earlier. and quite frankly.....i don't want to feel like i'm no longer allowed to just have casual sex. i don't want it to all have to mean something now because i have H.

 

i'm rambling, and it's all just frustration. i just feel stuck

[adventurelovelife]

Hey you,

 

I've been there…and I totally understand. I've only disclosed twice in a sort of casual sex vein, and one time the guy couldn't deal with it, and the other time he could.

 

However, I have a friend who has had herpes for years, and tells everyone, and seems to have nothing BUT casual relationships! And she has a lot of one night stands too. She's very straightforward, and so far it has not seemed to have been a problem for her at all.

 

I definitely think some of it is in how you have the talk, and your attitude about it.

 

That being said, I just wanted to say that I sympathize with your predicament…I got H fairly recently after breaking up a 12 year relationship. All I wanted to do was have some non complicated fun. Oh well…it is what it is…right? I've been able to have a few different types of sexual relationships since then…including one guy whom I just said I didn't want to sleep with him unless we were exclusive (but we could do other stuff). I didn't want to tell him because I had a weird gut feeling about him, so that was my excuse and he probably thought i was weird, but, whatever. I guess he never liked me enough to be exclusive, anyway, so we fooled around for a few months and that was that.

 

Hope this helps a bit! You just have to remember that some people are not going to be ok with it, no matter what, and others are going to be cool.

[adventurelovelife]

Oh, and I also wanted to add that you'll start to be able to feel out situations a little better…and it will always be different. Some guys you can probably tell earlier, others you may need to hold off a bit for various reasons.

 

Good luck, and don't give up!

[WCSDancer2010]

clementine;

 

Sorry your guy walked away - BUT, he obviously "wasn't that into you" and you found out early. Be thankful.

 

That said, one of the things that I've learned over time is that H can FORCE me to slow things down and get to know the guy (and visa versa) ... and I don't think that is a bad thing. And when it comes time to disclose, your "reason" for not disclosing earlier is simply you needed to know you could trust him with that information. Any man worth half his salt would understand that. If he still walks away, well, again, he really wasn't that into you - BUT, odds are if he was cool with you withholding sex, he WAS into you.

 

One thing I have been coming to realize is that most men will try to get in our pants early on - 3-5 dates max. At that point, they are into you (and want to GET into you) because of physical attraction. Yes, they may *say* they are impressed by some other wonderful aspect of your personality, but bottom line is, the wrong "head" is in charge and they are in a "enjoy the moment and figure it out later" mode. Or they flat out just want to get laid. Either way, there's a good chance they are not looking too far down the road once the juices get flowing. So if you are wanting something that has meaning and long-term possibilities, being forced to slow down will help you sort out the guys with real potential from the ones who are just looking for a romp or who really are just not going to be what YOU want in the long run.

 

Regarding casual sex, well, for those guys, disclose early and if it doesn't work out, you are free to look for someone else. And to be honest, you may find that a fair number of guys will be relieved because they will likely have it too. So get it out of the way and have fun. Either way - you want to definitely use condoms for YOUR safety in these circumstances. If the guy doesn't want to use a condom, don't get involved - who knows what else he could be carrying.... :p

 

It's just an adjustment- but to be honest, I wish I had kept this kind of "rule" from the get go ... because then I wouldn't have an STD AND I probably would have had a few less heartaches over guys who were total losers. :-S

 

(((HUGS)))

 

[clementine]

i just feel like if i guy decides to walk away after finding out i have herpes, it isn't because he just wasn't that into me, it's because he doesn't want to get herpes. and that seems pretty logical.

[WCSDancer2010]

Honey, it's easy for them to walk away if they are into the "physical" you .. which is usually where they are early in a relationship. But once they start to fall for the emotional, spiritual, and more "personal" you, they will usually at least put in the time to learn about the disease and you have a much better chance of them wanting to find some way to make it work.

 

Men are usually either in their hearts OR their heads (one OR the other... the blood supply can't supply both heads at once!) most of the time. You want them to be in their heart when you disclose...and that is more likely to happen if you take your time with them. Tell them when they are into your "body" and it's easy to walk away because there are plenty of willing bodies out there. Tell them when they are falling in love with your HEART and SOUL (which is where you want to disclose from!) and you will likely have much better success with your disclosures :)

 

Peace

[Orngpeelmafia]

I've found it's all about how you disclose. And herpes has made me more aware of my hopeful partners reactions too!

I tried to do the casual thing for a bit "no ones gonna love me so maybe I can just have sex...maybe" was the thought process. I took the band aid approach with disclosing...I did it quickly and rather soon into knowing someone in the hopes it would hurt less when I got rejected. Whoops that was a mistake for me!

 

The guys I met either said no (I was expecting it but that didn't make it hurt any less) because they didn't wanna get herpes which made me feel like a walking contagion or the guys that said yes were nuts. Seriously think about it...you just meet someone and within the first few hours are rattling off statistics about herpes and his response "well it shouldn't matter if two people love each other" BIG RED FLAG!!!!! Those are the same guys that use love lines to get into girls pants and never call them again. Except one...he turned into a stalker and then put my H status on my Facebook...yay.

 

I found that casual sex has no trust involved...so while I disclosed and it was ok in the moment the next day I would have a guy calling me saying "I feel like I'm getting a cold I think you gave me herpes" which did absolutely nothing for my self image. It furthered my feeling dirty and used. These guys didn't want me they didn't know me...and when I would calmly explain to them transmission rates and that I have been showing no early symptoms and would never knowingly put someone at risk they would just say "but I started reading up on it and now I think I have a fever" and when I would tell them that the best thing to do would be to keep an eye on their symptoms and if anything got worse go to a doctor and I would be there for them they wouldn't find comfort in my words. I was apparently supposed to fix their fear or whatever. This happened twice...the one guy freaked out for over a week before he realized he had no bumps and when to planned parenthood and got tested...oh forgot to mention he already had HSV 1 orally but wasn't worried about that and has since apologized to me every time he sees me for being an asshole about everything. The other guy called me freaking out and then never talked to me again so I don't know what happened there.

 

So what I learned is it's better for me to be in a serious relationship...I start dating someone and get to know them and if I care about them enough to want to keep seeing them and be physical I disclose...I then have someone I trust and can talk to and it's more rewarding for me.

[Equanimous]

I personally don't agree with the idea that casual sex should be off the table and as adventurelovelife mentions there are people who manage to keep it firmly on the table despite a strong herpetetic wind in their life.

 

To me the choice between disclosing to someone who you have taken time to know or to the guy/girl that you've only made sexy eye contact with while taking ill-advised shots of whiskey from either sides of a bar table is about degrees of confidence.

 

Right now I am nowhere near being comfortable enough to just tear my clothes off and jump into sex with the carefree abandon that I used to (protected of course!). But I do see myself having enough confidence in the future to be able to disclose to whoever I am attracted to without any shame and to be not bothered by rejection. That's where I want to be. With balls of steels (or ovaries that shine like diamonds) that give me the courage to move past shame and fear and be happy and content about who I am (which includes my sexuality and who I might want to sleep with..for whatever reason).

 

 

 

P.S1: And by confidence I don't mean "I don't give a fuck about the world" kind of cocky mis-placed confidence. But the kind that most people on the H forum talk about. One that comes from a place of self-love.

 

P.S2: I also don't buy this whole casual sex is meaningless argument. Things have as much meaning as you give them. Casual sex can and often is beautiful, poetic and meaningful. And sometimes its terrible and unsatisfying, but so is the case within a serious relationship.

[WCSDancer2010]

I'm not against casual sex - I know for some it is all they want/need and it works fine for them. I for one just can't do it - I need at least *some* sort of connection and unfortunately once I get sexual even if I start with just liking them physically and whatever, my heart gets hopeful for something else. I DID have a FWB relationship after my divorce and it was exactly what I needed but over time I had to stop because my frickin heart insists on getting in the middle of things ...LOL

 

As long as 2 people are consenting, and in our case especially, honest about their status (STD, other relationships, what they are looking for, etc) then sure, why not as long as you do your best to not let anyone get hurt... that's where communication comes in.

 

But if/when you are ready to "settle down", H can help you to slow things down so that a true foundation can be built for a long term relationship.... that's all ... and in my experience, even guys who claim to be looking for that will try to get physical early on ... and in my experience, while that *can* work, it usually causes one to overlook things that you might see as red flags or at least negotiables that should be worked out sooner rather than later ;)

 

 

[Orngpeelmafia]

Dancer you put things so beautifully that is exactly what I was talking about. I was using physicality to try and replace the empty feeling inside me...I had done this before H and continued even after. That's not what I want nor what I have ever truly wanted. I'm a settle down type of gal...I want something built to last and surprisingly herpes has helped me find the way to get what I want...no what I deserve.

[Equanimous]

Couldn't agree with both of you more. All of us are unique in terms of what we want and don't want. And H is a wake-up call with regard to understanding our true preferences and to overcome insecurities that we might have had in choosing our own path in the past.

[adventurelovelife]

super interesting discussion!