What gives someone/him,etc the right to take my right of choice away???? My rant.

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Here is it Xmas night, family time is over and im all alone. Why am i alone? because i cant bring myself to date, or even think about dating.

 

WHAT GIVES SOMEONE/HIM THE RIGHT TO TAKE MY RIGHT OF; CHOICE AWAY? WHAT GIVES SOMEONE/HIM THE RIGHT TO PLAY GAMES WITH MY LIFE AND MY HEALTH????? who died and made him, God?? No excuse. there is never and no good excuse to put someone else/me at risk without knowledge.This is what makes me the angerest about having H. it would be different if he didnt know, but not telling me, is irresponsible, selfish, malice, and evil.when he says" but ilove u and care about u, i didnt wanna lose u". It makes me cringe. because if you care and/or love someone u NEVER put them at risk with out their knowledge. I would say to him, " thats not love,care ect its evil cruel and selfish. if you (him) had any kind of heart, you would have told me"

 

How am I suppose to date, have relationship? i would never do the inhumane thing of not disclosing to someone first. I cant even say the word of my diagnosis if i were talking about it. Am I angry, hurt, devastated? As sure and as much as the Earth turns on its axis.Who would want to date, have relationship with someone who has H when they could be with someone who doesnt????

 

I guess this is one of the down moments (although i mean every word of this) and/or distressed moments

 

I end this rant on a positive note; with a Merry Christmas.

[WCSDancer2010]

I know you can't see this right now....but you WILL meet someone who will love you WITH your H-friend. Why do I know? Because I have done it. I have had 2 - three year relationships with H- men and a couple shorter (a few months) relationships with H- men.

 

That said, I got tired of having the talk and having them walk (which is ONLY due to the stigma that you are beating yourself up with...). So I came completely out about 6 weeks ago. To everyone. My story is here. http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1754/im-out-of-the-herpes-closet/p1

 

Only 1 person has walked away - the jerk who was the last guy to decide to "be friends" when he decided he would always be worrying about getting H. (I would bet my bottom dollar he will eventually get it because he is so in denial about the fact that 80% have it and 80% of them don't know they have it ... ). I've even told all my regular massage clients. They were ALL supportive. I wrote to another guy I dated earlier this year to tell him about my coming out and he was totally supportive too.

 

I felt that to be in complete integrity with my "coming out", I had to put it on my OK Cupid dating profile as well. I figured that would put my replies down to zero. To the contrary - I almost immediately got a reply from an H- guy who said although the whole Herpes thing scared him, he was so impressed with my honesty he felt compelled to reach out to me and see if there was a connection. I've had 2 other H- guys and a H+ guy contact me in the 2 weeks since I added the disclosure to my profile - all of who did so because of my honesty - about the same # of guys who I would normally get in that time (I actually got several more but it was obvious from their writing that they had not got past my photo :p )

 

So you ask who will want to date you? Well right now, noone. Because right now you are too angry, bitter, and full of self loathing to be "lovable". You need to work on that first. You need to read the success stories on here and start to believe you are lovable. You have to forgive yourself for being human and allowing yourself to get into a situation where he could take advantage of you.

 

Just like we have all likely gone over the speed limit, or ran a stop sign, or drank too much (this person had one experience of near-alcohol poisoning... ).... we've all done things that have hurt or killed many other people....sometimes we lose the crapshoot. So you need to forgive yourself first.

 

And you MUST forgive him. I know you are having a hard time understanding that. But if you can see him as a sad, scared guy with such self loathing (that I am guessing goes WAAAY deeper than just his having Herpes) that he felt the only way for him to be able to keep you was to get you infected, you have a chance to be able to forgive him. It doesn't make what he did ok. It just frees YOU from the prison of anger, frustration, and hatred.

 

You see, it won't be the Herpes that will make you "unlovable" ... it will be your ATTITUDE that will keep guys from wanting to be with you. Take it from someone who had been around the H block more than a few times. You HAVE to keep working on restoring your faith that you will be ok. There are TONS of stories on here of people who are having great success with finding partners who are H- ... Adrial is one of them... I'm another. thisisgoingtobeokay even proved you can have a casual fling with complete transparency.

 

Right now, you are some kind of angry. And it's understandable and it's all part of the process of healing. But as the Buddha said "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

 

Or - even better, as Colin Powell said "Get mad, then get over it."

 

Perhaps you can set yourself a date where you will let go of the anger. Until then, beat a pillow, scream, rant, do whatever you need to get your anger out. And on that day, let it go. Put it behind you. Lift your head, go forward, and don't look back. On that day, no matter what you get from him in court, that day will be the day that you release the hold he still has on you. Because like it or not, you are still in his grip. :(

 

Peace my friend..... and a Christmas (((HUG))) from afar.... you WILL be ok. Promise. :)

 

[aimee]

I met someone in Oct. who I disclosed (with the help of Adrial and this community) to after I'd slept with him once (ideally I wish it didn't happen in that order)

He has gotten tested after I asked him to and is H- , I've given him the disclosure handouts and he asks me a lot of questions and i'm sure he's done his own research.

 

The sex is amazing as I believe we've connected on a much deeper level as he's seen me at my most vulnerable moment something I haven't shown in previous relationships which when I look back were all very surfaced and very one sided...sad.

 

I feel differently with this relationship...everything is more real and I feel confident that he wants me for who I really am...once in a while I feel a bit insecure but the feeling quickly dissipates when I read his txts or I when I hear his voice...he is amazing he could be with someone else, someone who isn't H+ but he chooses to be with me...even after he knows everything about me ....he still wants me...the real me!

Its still very fresh and new but... one day at a time...

 

I feel blessed.. ♥

 

 

I don't post a lot but I seem to come here to read a lot...

aimee

[WCSDancer2010]

@aimee

 

OMG is this going to be confusing...LOL thank heavens for the OP's "previous" name attachment!

 

This is the thing -

 

I believe we've connected on a much deeper level as he's seen me at my most vulnerable moment something I haven't shown in previous relationships which when I look back were all very surfaced and very one sided...sad.....everything is more real and I feel confident that he wants me for who I really am.

 

Herpes will force you to be vulnerable AND will show you who wants you for YOU... "warts and all" (in our case, blisters and all!) as it were... you can now see how one-sided your past relationships were and that is such a beautiful thing to see.....that this guy wants YOU... even with your imperfections.

 

And THAT is what UNCONDITIONAL love is all about ;)

 

Congratulations!

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

I understand. I had a bad night with it last night too. I cried hard. Not that tears just rolling down your cheeks crying, but that uncontrollable shaking can't breathe crying. It felt good to get that out, as it has been a minute since I have had a night like that. I spent most of my Christmas Eve and Christmas thinking of how he left me. My friend begged me to come to her family Christmas dinner, after multiple attempts of saying no and I finally screamed at her and said "he left me, do you not get that? he left me." And she looked at me and said and he is a dick, you have to let it go. I text him, told him Hope you had a merry Christmas. Alas, to no response. I went out for drinks last night, and left in a rush because I got overwhelmed and one of my good friends called me and I just couldn't stop crying, popped a klonopin and passed out. Everyone has been trying to get me out of my apartment since I have moved in, about two weeks now I have stayed at home every night watching movies because I haven't gotten cable or internet yet and I just don't want to get out. I have found that my apartment is my comfort zone. No one knows, I am safe there from anything that could hurt me or bring me down. I am tired of trying, and I am tired of pretending I am okay when I am not. We all have our days. This too shall pass. Be strong. Every day is a new day to try again, I am tired of trying, but I still am. You can do this. Hugs to you. I needed a shoulder last night and didn't have it. This place is my shoulder and we will be your shoulder too.

[WCSDancer2010]

TiGtbOK:

 

Christmas IS a hard time .. and having just moved into an apartment and not having a routine set makes it worse. And a really good cry is cleansing (I had my first in forever about 6 weeks ago and it was just what I needed) So perhaps when your friends ask you out, you can go with the plan that you will stay maybe an hour or so and go home before you get overwhelmed. That way YOU are in control of the situation and you don't have to get to total anxiety attack levels. Over time you can extend how long you go out....but GO OUT. Get back in the world. Sitting at home will only exacerbate the anxiety.

 

Take if from someone who is coaching her 85 yr old, guilt-ridden father ... who has had a massive anxiety attack every day for months now. He's been living alone since my step-mom was put in an Alzheimers unit and he has some serious guilt and fear issues going on (he was convinced another patient was going to her room to have sex with her ... yeah - that is how fucked up the mind can get when you allow yourself to stew in your pity party too much and don't go out and keep your mind occupied) I got him to fly up to have Christmas with my family...he wasn't sure about it but I arranged all the wheelchair assistance etc. After 2 days he realized he had not had an anxiety attack at all.... He's now said he is really glad he came up and he's starting to see that it isn't healthy for him to stay alone where he is. And he had one of the best Christmas's he's had in a looong time. He had a small setback yesterday because he felt bad about her being there but I got him to call her and he felt better afterwards. He's been sleeping through the night for the first time in YEARS. So now we are talking about what we need to do to change his situation to make it better for his mental health.

 

I'm telling that to you because I know how easy it is to hole up at home when you are depressed. I did it years ago when life seemed to be crashing down around my head. And I ended up putting myself in the hospital so I could get on the meds I needed to bring myself out of it. I only needed them for a few months, but I think if I had made myself go out and get back in the world, I would have not needed the meds.

 

As I said to Aimee/Baffled - go ahead, get angry, let it out and cry hard if you need to. But make a plan to turn things around...and do it. Go out even if you don't feel like it, even if its only for an hour. Just don't be alone 24/7.

 

And go back and read your last post... you did it once...you can do it again..

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it-#Item_19

 

Love you chica. Hope today is better for you.

[peterk]

Dancer

 

I didn't realize you went into the rabbit hole a few years back. Not a good place to be. I think its an extremely lonely place and the only way I know out is to start a new project while meeting new people and new friends.

[WCSDancer2010]

yep - I didn't go too far down ... I had seen my father and my ex-hubby go there (and helped bring them back) and I knew the signs. So I checked in as soon as I realized I was getting into a dark place that wasn't going to have a good outcome. I'm really not into drugs and I think anti-depressants are over-prescribed.... but I also think they are a powerful tool when you learn coping skills to deal with your shit. Soon after I got out I started in a self improvement seminar and it really turned my life around.... I learned where a lot of my shit is coming from and I've learned to let it all go...

 

I still have my pain and disappointments, but I bounce better now... very little gets to me any more. And THAT is a beautiful thing :)

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Thanks, for the warm thoughts. I appreciate them all . Its just the to grasp that there are people/him that malicous to take my right of choice away and endanger my life.

thisisgoing to beokay:

im glad it is working for you.:) i remember your post about it when it happen.

[peterk]

speaking of anti-depressants

stay away from the ones that are supposed to help you sleep. The side effects like amnesia, anxiety, etc are not worth it. I'm speaking of ambien, Seroquel, and many others. They steal your rem sleep which is the bodies natural way to deal with issues.

 

IMHO

[peterk]

Get tons of sleep but not with drugs except for maybe one or two glasses of really good red and soon. Listen to the words of Paul McCartneys Yesterday a couple of times and then forget about it. Cause that song is BS.

 

I have an idea for you. Make plans for the (Burning Man) festival on labor day weekend.

The burning man symbolizes the burning away of past feelings like an old relationship. Get some friends and make plans. A lot of people have done that out here and loved it.

 

search for Buningmanfestival

[WCSDancer2010]

Aimee/Baffled....

 

Again... to help you try to grasp it - what I see in your Ex is a guy who was so afraid/self loathing that he acted in desperation. Who knows what other crap is in his past... a lot I expect. Imma guessing he has a pretty dark childhood and he felt the only way he could be loved was to entrap someone. That's a pretty sad/lonely life.... he needs help. Really. If you think YOU feel dirty, I would guess he feels that 10-fold. What a sad, sorry existence :/

 

 

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Wcsdancer2010,

i have to agree with on your thoughts about my ex. he is part socoipath, narissistic, and passive/aggressive. Those are things that can not be fixed in a person for they are personality traits ( ex socoipath). Becuase of him, im able to recognize those traits in people/a guy pretty quickly. as emptah, people like him target people like me and use the fact that i am empathic against me.Its just disturbing how someone/him cares so little for someone else when they take the right of choice away. I guess that is my present demon is this battle.

like you mentioned in an earlier post, he still has a hold in some way. the truth is even when everything settles in court, this man istied to me til on of 3 things happen: 1. A cure is found. 2. when he dies, and/or 3 when i die. Wow, what a thought right? ...lol

i beleive there will be a cure for H in the next few years.

[peterk]

Yes thats exacly right.

 

He is in living hell because most of us go through life like we are in a room full of mirrors. All we can see is ourselves. The only way to change is to smash the mirrors. Once you do that you can begin to understand other people and why they do what they do. We are born innocent and shaped by our genetic code, our environment, and hopefully rich parents (luck). Your emotions are universally felt by many others but it is just that they are still stuck in the roomful of mirrors.

 

There are almost 7 billion people on the planet and growing exponentially if we don't figure out how to get along nature will do it for us.

[WCSDancer2010]

like you mentioned in an earlier post, he still has a hold in some way. the truth is even when everything settles in court, this man istied to me til on of 3 things happen: 1. A cure is found. 2. when he dies, and/or 3 when i die. Wow, what a thought right? ...lol

 

Yet another reason I wonder about going to court - because like a couple who are tied through Alimony/child care payments, you will be attached to him by an umbilical cord... another constant reminder of him ... especially if he doesn't pay up and you have to keep taking him to court to pay. I know couples who are miserable until the child payments are done because there is constant animosity towards each other (each feeling that the other is robbing them of money they should have/should not have to pay. The relief that comes over them when it's all done is astounding. Yes - you will make him pay - but at what price to YOU???

 

Just a thought...

 

((HUGS)))

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Wscdancer2010,

he is already paying and will continue to pay. When itsfine and he is court ordered, he wont break that because he would be in contempt of court. He won't want that problem.