I need love advice,

[Strawberrygirl]

Hey im back,

 

I'm very confused with my life. I have decided to change completely after finding i have h. I slept with two guys after my ex. Big mistake.

With one of those guys, we met about 4 to 5 times. I met his friends, he met mine. He is 28 years old and im only 20. He is very interesting, speaks 3 languages (like me) lived in China etc.

We connected on many levels, and we've known each other for 3 months. We talk everyday. After finding out i had herpes i called him and told him. He was supportive, and i think also afraid that he might have given it to me even though he never had anything. We always used condom. Anyway im so confused.

He is always supportive, told me i can always talk to him about anything. He always makes me smile and laugh. We send videos to each other regularly etc.

 

3 days ago he offered me to go on a trip to another country that is like 2 hours away from where we live. we both love to travel. but obviously we would go alone. I thought maybe he was just saying that withouut meaning it. But yesterday he insisted again and asked me whether i would want to go with him after the xmas break. I mean im sure he is a nice guy and all. But i jst dont understand why he would do that, he knows i have herpes. and we already had sex, so he is not just trying to get me for the night. He has often mentioned how similar we are, connected, and share many similar interests.

But he did say once how he doesnt want to committ yet, or at least no need to put a label on a relationship.

 

So my question is why would a much older guy offer me to go on a trip alone with him knowing that i have herpes and we have only seen each other about 4 - 5 times. Maybe he is a psychopath? Isn't it too soon to do these sort of plans in the first place?

[Strawberrygirl]

Happy new year's eve to you all by the way! :D

 

[simplyme24]

First off, Happy New Years!

 

I would not go on the trip with this guy. But that's just me. Esp if he says he doesn't want a commmittment. Obviously he would be just using you? Take if from someone who has been used for sex and didn't even realize it. And maybe he has something. Who knows. Idk. It sounds fishy that he wants to go on this trip but no committment. No bueno girly.

[Strawberrygirl]

well i mean im pretty sure it was the other guy who gave me the h...coz he gave me oral and he had sth on his lip...i was drunk.

and im sure the older guy never had anything. he told me he got checked a few months ago and he was clean. ANYWAY im almost 100 % sure he didnt give me anything. Im jst very surprised he'd want to go on a trip just like that with me. and risk getting sth from me

[Strawberrygirl]

oh he also said that its not that he doesnt want to be in a relationship. he just doesnt feel the rush to find one. and if he does find someone he reli likes me he would commit.

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

If yall have had sex before and known each other for a while why would he be a pyschopath hust because he wants to take you on a trip? Before my h status i was the same way with not wanting to rush things and hang out and see where it goes. . Plus he sounds great to be understanding of your h status. Now i don't know how long you've known him but if you havnt been around him enough to know him well or he gives you creepy vibes then i wouldn't.

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

Oh i see where you said 3 months. i don't know. i guess if you feel comfortable with it. seems not like a long time to me.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Strawberrygirl

 

It sounds to me like you *may* be subconsciously wondering why a guy would want to be with you because you are "diseased". Why shouldn't he like you and want to be with you?? And really, 8 years isn't a huge difference (the older you get, the less it matters too ... take if from someone whose ex-hubby was 10 years older than me when we got married and I was 19...and married 20 years ... , and i've had a BF who was 12 yrs older ;) )

[ He has often mentioned how similar we are, connected, and share many similar interests. But he did say once how he doesnt want to commit yet, or at least no need to put a label on a relationship. ]

 

So here's the deal chica.... men say what they mean. IE: He's telling you he's really into you AND he's being honest that he doesn't want to rush anything.... now, does that make him a commitment phobe? Well, what has his history been? Has be been married or in a LTR of more than 3 years? Past behavior is a good indicator of future results ;)

 

You say you talk every day so it seems that there is a connection there. So talk to him about your fears. Ask him how he feels about the Herpes AND what you will do to try to keep him from getting it (he should get tested before you hook up again ...there ARE other STD's AND if he already has it then you are off the hook anyway :p

 

BTW, where are your OB's? If they are on your legs/thighs/(ie, outside the condom area) then they are not that great for protecting him. Can you go on suppressive therapy ?? You need to be on it 10 days for it to be effective.

[Strawberrygirl]

I get OBs in my genitals and anus (not simultaneously though).

I will go on supressive therapy when I have a partner, no doubt about that.

And yes i will also ask him to get checked again. Although, im confused with this situation because im not sure if he wants to keep me as a friend and just go on a trip as friends... We did talk about relationships sometimes after he found out about my H, he never hinted wanting to be with me. All he said its that its great to have someone to talk to/share with who u have so many things in common, and he finds me pretty knowledgeable. He doesnt really try either to meet up with me, he always says about how he is gonna invite me for a drink and stuff. but we never set a date, thats why the whole trip thing seems confusing to me.

[Strawberrygirl]

Oh regarding his previous partners, he went out with his ex for 8 years since he was 16-24. It ended badly, she cheated on him with gfs. She turned lesbien, and broke up with him via email. Then he dated another girl in China for 2 years. he told me how he has trust issues, he is afraid a girl will cheat on him again. And how he feels lost, coz he was so in love twice then everything was gone. I mean i kind of understand his situation.

 

I just feel like maybe he just wants to have a good friend at the moment. Not genuinely interested in me.

 

P.S: we did try to meet up again twice after the last time we saw each other. just didnt work out

[OnTheBrightSide]

Hi Strawberrygirl,

 

Happy New Year! 2 quick thoughts:

1. WCSDancer2010 is completely right. Men say what they mean. Often women try to find hidden meanings but guys tend to be pretty straight forward. If he says he isn't in a hurry to get into a relationship then he's not. That doesn't mean a relationship is out of the question. You've only know each other 3 months. On the other hand, take a minute and ask yourself if you really know the answer...but it's just not the one you want. (assuming you want to be in a relationship with him).

 

2. If I could go back in time and tell the 20 year old me one thing it would be to stop wasting time with all the wondering. If you're concerned, TALK TO HIM! It can be scary and uncomfortable but only because you are probably worried that your questions will "give him the wrong impression" or turn him off somehow.

 

You don't want to ask if this trip is you two dating more intensely or if it's just friendly but with sex or just friendly because you think this might make you look 'a crazy girl who needs commitment'. Same anxiety we all feel. But that's a load of crap. :)

 

Ask yourself 3 questions and hold firmly to your answers when you talk to him so you don't compromise on what you want.

 

1. Do you want to be in a relationship with him and are you willing to take it slow? What does taking it slow mean for you? Date without sleeping together for while? Reassess in 2-3 months?

2. Can you honestly go on this trip casually without sex being involved and /or not come out feeling more for him and hoping he feels more for you?

3. How are you going to feel if you go on this undefined trip thinking that you'll give him the girlfriend experience without actually being his girlfriend? How will this affect you heart?

 

 

Whatever you decide to do, please remember that H makes us extra sensitive to feeling unwanted but that shouldn't mean you ever accept less wanting then your heart needs, because that's drop after drop of poison that dissolves silently and insidiously in the well of your soul. There forever.

 

Good luck!

 

[Strawberrygirl]

Thank you OntheBrightside, what you said makes a lot of sense.

 

Regarding your 3 questions:

1. Yes i could see myself in a relationship with him, but i would prefer taking it super slow. I still feel insecure about the h and other personal problems.

2. I think i cant go on this trip, im not emotionally strong enough right now and i know ill probably end up feeling more, wondering what he feels about me. I know sex is out of the question.

3. This undefined trip will leave me with more doubts and insecurities I think. My self-esteem will probably be strongly affected to worse.

 

I never listen to my heart or what i really need. Its great to have this support group. Thanks again! :)

[WCSDancer2010]

Onthebrightside hit the nail on the head...

 

If I could go back in time and tell the 20 year old me one thing it would be to stop wasting time with all the wondering. If you're concerned, TALK TO HIM!

 

YES! The thing is, if/when you DO talk to him, you have to be ok with whatever his answer is as well - BUT, if you can learn to be really authentic in what it is YOU are looking for and what you don't want, then you will (eventually) get it ... you may have to go through some rejections, but they are not rejecting YOU, they are rejecting those things that you want that don't work for them AND that is OK :)

 

So just be straight with him. It sounds like you know the answer to the idea of going with him on that trip.... so if you decide not to go, just tell him that you can't do it because you don't want to end up with EITHER of you getting into something you are not emotionally ready for ... if you DO go, set up very VERY clear boundaries of what will work for you and stick to them :)

 

(((HUGS)))