F*** this thing that is ruining my life!

[kathy]

Hi everyone! :)

First off, I just wanted to say how glad I am to have found this forum!

 

I'm almost certain that I have herpes even though I haven't gotten an "official" diagnosis from a doctor. During the time of my first outbreak I also had impetigo, and my doctor assumed that the itchy rash I had downstairs was also impetigo. I wanted to believe her, but I had a feeling it was herpes. I have had a horrible tingly/itchy feeling for over a month now, and I feel like I'm going to go insane! Right now I'm having another outbreak and I keep thinking that if I'm going to have outbreaks this often I might as well jump off a bridge now. There are some moments were I think "well herpes isn't THAT bad! I can do this!" but then my negative mindset kicks in and I'm stuck with feeling dirty, ashamed, unwanted and disgusting. Most of the time it feels like a horrible nightmare. I'm reminded of it all the time because it won't stop itching and tingling!! On top of that I also have scarring from the sores, which will take forever to fade.

I think one of the worst aspects of getting this is the fact that I got it from someone who didn't care about me at all! The guy also had genital warts that he never bothered telling me about and he claimed that he was disease-free. I know it's also my fault, for not using protection and believing that he cared about me. I had actually started to see that he just wanted me for sex and had decided to not sleep with him again. Well a little too late! Two weeks after my last encounter with him I started itching..

I have no idea how I will ever be able to tell someone I'm dating about this. I'm going to end up an itchy forever alone old lady. I can't tell my friends, because they all think herpes is disgusting. Why can't someone just figure out a cure for this thing that is ruining my life?!

 

Gosh, sorry for the rant, but I just had to get it off my chest!

[Klopz]

Hi Kathy and welcome,

 

Dont be so hard on yourself. If you go through our stories you'll see that not only are you not alone, but most of us got this annoying little virus because we believed someone cared for us. The guy that I suspect gave it to me was also someone who pretended to care, he said all the right things, even went to the point of acting like he wasnt looking to rush into having sex. However, as soon as we did have sex things fell apart and he went back to his on again off again ex. Yes we have this virus that will be with us forever, but the sooner you accept that it is only a skin disease the easier it will be. Im not saying that your feelings are invalid at all because I can completely undersand how you feel. At first i would constantly wake up feeling HORRIBLE everyday was so horrible and i couldnt get over having this, but the more I became informed and with the help of all these amazing people I understood that we are still wonderful, valuable, loving people who also deserved to be loved.

 

Just know that this guy was a complete jerk for doing this to you, but you need to love yourself first and believe in who you are. I have told my boyfriend and my closest friends and i have discovered two things. First, that this virus is WAY more common than you think. Of the people i have told two of them are H+ and the rest know a close friend or relative that is H+. The second thing i have learned is that the small circle of friends that I have are amazing true friends that love me. They have all accepted me and havent let this small virus change anything. They have been encouraging and on my down days they remind me that I am still the same loving strong friend that they fell in love with. As for finding a man that will accept you. Trust me when I say THERE IS SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE YOU. My current boyfriend came back after 6 months of being broken up and two weeks into our relationship after being intimate for the first time i had my very first OB. I told him, and i was so sure he would leave. All i could think was im a single mother with H how is he or anyone going to want me, but he is still around and being wonderful to me and we have actually gotten closer! The one thing i do have to say helped for everyone to be so accpeting of this was the fact that I was accepting of it first. I made sure to show all of my friends and boyfriend that this didnt change me, and that this would not change me. I have my freak outs that is to be expected, but the best advice any of us can give you is to LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. If you think positive and truly accept everything you will see the rest fall right into place.

 

Reading all of the booklets provided on here helped me a lot. Being educated on this matter helps to see that there is nothing wrong with you. You simply have a skin disease. There is nothing stronger than knowing the facts and using that to ease your mind. Once you understand this virus you'll see that this HUGE monster that everyone makes it out to be is really just a tiny little nothing. I hope i was helpful in some way, and you have come to the right place. Everyone on here will be so wonderful and keep you going strong.

 

Lots of HUGS!!!

[WCSDancer2010]

Wow Klopz.... you certainly have come a looong way. :)

 

Kathy: - If you saw Klopz's posts a few months back you wouldn't believe it's the same person :)

 

I promise you WILL learn to live with this and it isn't the end of the world and life WILL go on and you WILL find love... but only once you learn to love YOU first.... and Herpes has a way of calling us out on that last one :P

 

So to give you some idea of how we live with this, have a look at these links. It's a start. And BREATHE. We are here to help you .... and you couldn't have picked a better place to come for support.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2162/a-bit-about-me-and-my-successful-herpes-disclosures

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2022/successful-herpes-disclosure-thanks-to-this-site#Item_7

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1793/i-did-it-i-had-the-herpes-talk#Item_7

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2166/first-herpes-disclosure-tonight-so-nervous-#Item_16

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2229/self-sabotage-i-seriously-need-to-put-my-brain-on-pause-lol

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2302/disclosed-herpes-to-someone-i-didnt-even-really-know-totally-inspiration

[victoriaxxx]

Hello && Welcome to the Forum Kathy,

First off I want to tell you that you are letting the stigma take over your brain at times.. Everyone talks about this "Horrible Herpes." This Incurable STD... But like we talked about it many time it really is only a skin condition. It doesn't kill you. It doesn't really hurt you, although it may be very uncomfortable at times.. You will be alright.

If you got it swabbed and you are getting a blood test done and it comes back positive just remember there are plenty of things you can do to regulate your Outbreaks.

I am on suppresive therapy and that helps a lot ! Also I use Coconut oil. (: Those help the healing process for me, and makes it so it doesn't hurt as long. I know for a fact that it is a hard mental battle.. Because of the way the stigma is, but when you find out that you have it.. What can you really do ?

 

Just remember that there will always be someone out there that will love you and want you, aside from what comes back.. There are so many people out there that have it. It is so much more common than anyone would ever imagine.. I know that it was more common than I ever imagined. That and my boyfriend helped me get through this. If it does come back positive we can help you with the mental battle. (: Knowing is the first step to acceptance. It is a long rode, but just remember that if you do have this little H friend.. In the long run it can actually help you.

 

 

[kathy]

wow, you are all so wonderful! =) thank you for spending time of your day to help and support a stranger. I really appreciate it :)

[bookworm21]

The weirdest thing for me when I first found out was people telling me that it would help me or be my wing man. You might be wondering about that.

 

The people saying that aren't crazy (don't roll your eyes, I did that PLENTY when I was first diagnosed :D ). It's this weird new fun fact about your life. Generally it gets people out of your life who don't belong there. It also has the bonus function of getting you out of unwanted sexual situations, better than the "i'm on my period excuse". Some guy hitting on you? "Sorry I have herpes, can't".

 

It may not seem like you can ever joke about it, but one day you'll get there :)

 

[victoriaxxx]

I am already joking about it..

 

&& A girl i thought was my friend started spreading it around to everyone, and I started getting nasty messages saying " You are a nasty hoe. You are gross." Those people i thought were my friends, but something like this came up and they turned their backs on me.. How ?

 

Well needless to say I dropped them.. Then there was those people that came to me.. "I have it also.." Or started asking me questions.. && those people who wanted to learn and who needed someone also I was there for.. (:

[kathy]

@bookworm21 I truly hope that one day I can joke about it openly and not be so worried about what other people think of me. I will let you know when that day comes! :D

[kathy]

@victoriaxxx I'm not brave enough to tell my friends about it. I'm so scared that I'll get the responses that you got, which are horrible and I can't believe someone would actually write that to you.. and from people that pretended to be your friends! That is awful :(

[victoriaxxx]

Yeah I know how that feels. It was harsh. I was upset, but what can you do ? I just told them that it is what it is.. and if they need someone to talk to I will be here.

[WCSDancer2010]

Ah but Kathy - better to know what they are likely already saying behind your back. Herpes helped Victoria find out who to stop wasting her energy on....

 

*MY* experience is very different, but most of my friends are older. I've come completely out and it's only been a Positive experience. Just saying that because IMO I was pleasantly surprised.....but it's getting better every day....

 

You will come to some place of acceptance over time. Be patient and gentle with yourself :)