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Need Advice: Am Afraid/Confused


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I met a nice guy through an online dating site. We really hit it off. We are of different races. I find myself incredibly attracted to white guys and have been that way for a while,though only in the past four years have I found the courage to date interracially. And that was because I am older and was recently diagnosed with a pretty horrific vulva skin disorder that can become cancerous. With an aging body and a serious health concern,I had begun to feel a need for a bucket list. Therefore, I lost some weight,wore less conservative clothes,I have to admit a five inch heel is exciting,and posted sexy but I would hope tasteful pictures of myself online. Men of all races were attracted. Cutting to the chase, I met a 6'3 lanky brunette ACDC tee shirt wearing middle aged man boy. Our first date was at the local theater. He drove for 2 hours to see me--on his motorcycle. I will never forget how excited I was to see him. I loved his outfit and our racial differences,and I knew he was proud to be seen with me. We talked and laughed and teased like two kids. It was an amazing date. I remember thinking," I have found him at last,my friend and my love." That same night we kissed and kissed and um engaged in heavy petting. Every time we saw one another our interactions mixed laughter with sexual activities. However, as intense as those interactions were, I never permitted coitus. I wanted us to date for at least six months or more,to really build a foundation of the heart. Things began to fall apart when I tried to tell him about my disorder which many patients are embarrassed to disclose because of the physical toll it can take on the genitals. He became standoffish; I remember crying and praying to God about his behavior. He stated it was "him," not me nor my disorder. kept calling him though he was cold to me. I wanted him you see, or so I thought. One night he talked to me about sleeping with him and really appeared ready for a commitment. I told him to give me at least until I went ti have my 6 month check-up-- most patients with what I have have to be followed for the rest of their lives. The disease is incurable.After hearing me speak of my appointment,he began apologizing. I can still feel my heart racing when I heard those words.Why? For what? For having genital herpes,he finally told me. I cried and cried,my sweet man with the silky brown hair.That was about a month or so ago. He and I have talked in a rather distant kind of way. You see, he didn't disclose right away. He told me that I had nothing to worry about,but I am worried. I have touched him intimately, and he had reciprocated. I We frequently kissed endlessly. Even now I miss that. I have not been tested because I was trying to wait for at least four months,February would be that deadline. I don't know what to do. I don't think I can stay with him and be his lover not just because I don't want to contract herpes but because of what I have which in a weird kind of way is mistaken for herpes by many doctors. It's very debilitating for many patients,even more so than herpes from what I have read here at the forum. If I haven't gotten it, I want to still be in his life. I understand about the fear of disclosing. Notice that I haven't stated what I have. I can't for psychological reasons. I told him only because he was the one who would have to deal with me when I had days when I couldn't perform. This is a man who "needed" sex according to what he said to me, so I felt as though I somewhat tricked him by being so intimate with him early on. But what I have is not contagious. He also feels as though I played with his emotions. I didn't . Help me,please.

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So, I'm confused. You have a permanent skin condition that you're terribly afraid he was going to reject you for; yet you're going to reject him for also having a permanent skin condition?


Doesn't seem fair, does it?


There are man steps he can take to prevent transmission to you. He can go on supressive therapy, use condoms, and avoid sex during times when he's having an outbreak/prodome. In fact, many couples do that and some have been together for decades without transmitting the virus.


Relationships are about communication. And, you're not communicating. Tell him what's going on with your skin condition and your life. If he's willing to accept you bumps, blisters, and all; then you need to be willing to accept him bumps, blisters, and all. That's part of intimacy and part of the foundation you wanted to build.

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First, no man needs sex.. its a dumb manipulating thing to say and even dumber for you to believe.


Sounds like you dont want to have to deal with having herpes as well as your current condition, which is understandable....if you want to be with this guy you have to accept that you may contract herpes, the risk is very low but never zero. If you cant accept that,then do both of you a favor and part ways.. as far as tricking him.... if he didnt disclose his condition before sex.. id say the trickery is on him and not you.


Herpes can be hard to deal with both physically and emotionally and it sounds like you have issues of your own with your condition.....

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Yes, I know I'm being unfair. Hence why I feel deeply ashamed and saddened. I honestly ascribe to the belief that you Support your love ones,not reject them. I have friends/family members who have cancer,autism,been incarcerated--one even passed from HIV. The problem is,he didn't tell me. He stole my choice.Yet, I realize that I can't judge him or anybody else given my own less than pristine choices in life. He was LONELY. Loneliness is emotional starvation.Sometimes the lack of authentic human or emotional engagement gnaws like an empty belly. So I get that. I pride myself on being a woman a strength but realize that I am behaving quite cowardly. I have read much here on this site,have learned much--more than he. He uses condoms but that's it. My plan was to bring him here,try to get him to speak to you guys. I don't want to abandon him because he is my friend,and I don't walk away from friends if I can help it. One more thing, I didn't "fall for him" saying that he needed sex;I merely quoted him. I myself have essentially been celibate for years. However,I have engaged in other forms of sexual activity which I deemed to be safer forms of sex. He just told me that because he wanted me to understand why it was hard for him to wait before sleeping together. The real issue is I didn't have enough time with him before being ht with this;it was just enough for me to miss him but not enough to be devastated by his loss.

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I told him only because he was the one who would have to deal with me when I had days when I couldn't perform. This is a man who "needed" sex according to what he said to me, so I felt as though I somewhat tricked him by being so intimate with him early on. But what I have is not contagious. He also feels as though I played with his emotions. I didn't . Help me,please.


Honey.... if anyone tricked anyone, it was him. From what you say, what you have is not contagious. It's just something that can keep you from having sex at times. Well, there's plenty of other ways to get a man off and so his comment about playing with his emotions is utter and complete BULLSHIT. Often people will project their guilt on another in order to deflect the conversation and avoid standing up and admitting their breach of integrity. This guy just gave you a perfect example of that.


Now, I get it, he's probably had his fair share of rejections and he's afraid of having another one, so he just pretended everything is ok while you guys played. But I have to ask you... did you perform oral sex on him? Because is you did, you ARE at risk for getting Herpes. Minimal risk, but risk nonetheless. And if he didn't tell you that beforehand, then he needs to be told that this is NOT cool.


I'm GUESSING he thinks having sex with condoms alone when he isn't having an outbreak will protect you so he wasn't going to tell you. Period. And when you disclosed YOUR condition, he suddenly felt guilty and wanted to walk away because he KNEW he was in the wrong...then he tried to come back and project his guilt onto you. Honey...you sound like a strong woman so I'm telling you...don't accept that BS from him. That is how emotional abuse starts... the other person berates you for something and gets you to think it's all your fault. Don't buy into it. Perhaps you could have been honest earlier but you have not put him at any physical risk.... you were waiting until you felt he had earned the right to be privy to something that is very personal and painful for you emotionally. There is nothing wrong with that. He, on the other hand, allowed things to get to a sexual nature and didn't tell you...and I'm GUESSING again he wouldn't have told you if you had sex with him either by his behavior when you first disclosed.


Now, again, it may be he didn't REALLY know about asymptomatic shedding and such and he thought he could "protect" you with condoms and not tell you. But really, his whole behavior still doesn't sit well with me. He CAN redeem himself. How he acts from this point forward will tell you a LOT about him.


What I would do is I would print out the handouts here (see links below) and ask to get together with him. Let him know that:


1) What you have is not contagious - just personally very emotionally painful for you right now and his reaction is EXACTLY why you didn't tell him to start with and if anyone is playing with emotions right now it's him.


2) What HE has IS contagious INCLUDING when he isn't having an OB and he put YOU at risk for something that you really don't need to get in addition to your condition...not that that matters because he shouldn't put ANYONE at risk. Let him know that you have learned that he *could* spread it to you even with a condom and that oral sex CAN pass it, but that there are drugs that will cut that down dramatically if he is willing to take them. Tell him he really needs to get educated before he goes any further with you or anyone...that Herpes is nothing to be ashamed of but that with is comes a responsibility to get educated so you can properly protect your partners.


3) Tell him that his comment about his "needs" is utter and complete BULLSHIT. We women have "needs" too. Guilting someone into feeling that it is their responsibility to make sure your "needs" (physical OR emotional) are met is manipulative and not fair. Now, that said, there are plenty of wonderful other ways than coitus to help each other "get off" and Herpes is actually great in that respect because you can learn all KINDS of fun things to do in order to keep your sex life fresh and engaged even during times when your body isn't up for penetrative sex. Adrial has a great blog about hit here: http://herpeslife.com/keeping-your-partner-herpes-free-can-be-super-sexy/#/vanilla/discussion/embed/?vanilla_discussion_id=0


4) Give him the handouts, ask him to look at them and come to this site and ask away for help and advice. Then sit back and watch how he reacts. If he is REALLY into you (and doesn't just want to GET into you) he will take action to get properly informed ... and hopefully apologize to you for his behavior ...the latter is what, for ME, would tell me he is worth pursuing. I'm willing to be understanding when someone is mis-informed and afraid of rejection ... but how they behave after they are given the facts tells me a LOT about them :)


After that, well, it's up to you about whether YOU are willing to risk getting another condition in addition to what you have. Whether this man is really worth that risk. No one can tell you whether you should or shouldn't take that risk...although I would check in with my specialist if I was you and ask how it could affect what you already have. You sound like you have a lot on your plate already so you need to make sure you know what you are walking into.


Here are the Handouts and the Ebook:






Disclosure e-book:



Good luck my friend and be strong.





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First off I wanted to say... I need sex ! My boyfriend needs sex ! I am a crazy without sex. Do you know how much tension and stress sex relieves ?


Anywho.. You have a serious condition that can become cancerous.. He has herpes. Even if you did contract Herpes it will not become cancerous, and it is not that harmful.. I mean you want to be careful engaging in sex with open sores of course.. Also there are many ways to try to get around getting herpes. (: Condoms, him on supressive therapy.


Read the hand outs, they have great information about the condition..


All in all it is all up to you, if you really really like him and you want to take the chance then do it. (:

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Thank you Dancer and Victoria. I have been here reading these posts for days. When I found out I had been exposed, I panicked. Then I began to read that I may have been exposed years ago from God knows what or whom as well. I have always been pretty sexually conservative with limited sexual partners. But then two things hit me at once;menopause and lichen sclerosis. Vulva lichen sclerosis is an autoimmune disorder

that impacts all ages and genders.It can be found on any part of the body but does its most painful and disfiguring damage to the genitals. In some respects,it's almost better to have a social disease than this disorder. At least the medical community appears to collectively agree what Herpes is and how it's contracted and how to manage it and that it's not curable. With VLS, many doctors can't/ don't recognize it, refuse to treat it beyond what their own personal standard of cares says to do,and don't frequently know how o treat it. They do agree that it's incurable,however. So many women,because it's worse in women,treat themselves with any and every medical or non medical procedure available. Some of which would horrify doctors if they knew about them because some of the methods would be deemed illegal or life threatening. Herpes patients in the main appear to have many days and years of remission. I do know that herpes has its problematic aspects too. VLS patients,ranging from the mild case such as my own to the severe case in which almost all vulva architecture disappears:labia/clitoris live in constant and debilitating pain. I myself have to treat the burning and itchiness a little more than I wanted. The disease can be progressive, and lately something has caused a flare. I'm hoping that something isn't herpes. VL patients can have more than one diagnoses,and frequently have multiple autoimmune disorders.


Because LV makes vulva skin so vulnerable,prone to tearing,blistering, due to becoming thin and parchment like, vigorous intercourse is best avoided until the skin toughens.It also makes skin more porous and therefore more vulnerable to other diseases and cancer. He is not a bad man, Dancer,just a selfish one. I 'm torn between being angry with him and my own failure to exercise control. He lied but I used poor judgement. I see him as the price I paid for that lack of judgment. No, I did not engage in fellatio with him; I have not done that with any man but I will admit that he tried his leveled best to get me to--with no condom by the way and I was tempted because he didn't make me want to vomit at the thought. Right there and then, I thought he must be the one.


This site has comforted me and educated me. He and I mostly did old school petting

if you know what I mean. I am going to have an std test with herpes panel this month.


I want to bring him here. He doesn't know half of what you guys talk about. He couldn't and be so-so morose and hopeless. He said nobody wanted him; he would say things like that used to frustrate me so much when I kept saying, "I do,I do,"but now that I have read some of the post here,it makes sense. When I was in church God told me to forgive him,and forgive him I must. How can I not when I have been such a mess myself?


Thank you guys for your kindness to me.

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First - I want to commend you for opening up about your condition. I can only imagine your frustrations. Auto immune disorders are incredibly frustrating to work with. I can't imagine the frustration of living with one "down there".


I'm guessing you should be ok regarding your risk at this point for HSV...sounds like you minimized your risk...even with the heavy petting. But given your condition, it won't hurt to be sure. I expect your flare is due to the stress....I know people with various auto immune disorders and like Herpes, stress is a huge trigger for flares.


If you can get him on here, that would be great. Sounds like he needs to get re-educated and support. If he comes on here, you can tell him we'll be there for him.... some of us may give him a little tough love at times (that would be me...LOL) but it's done with the recipients best interests at heart :)


And good for you for realizing you need to forgive him. You are each dealing with some personally difficult conditions .... he is coming from a place of mis-education as well. Print out the disclosure info and get that to him. Tell him that there are plenty of people on here who are having loving relations with H- people. After that it's up to him to get out of his pity-party "No one want's me" party because that kind of thinking will result in that exact outcome. Once he is properly educated about how to protect his partners and how to disclose he may find life turns around for him :)



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I really hope all works out. I am happy that you are able to come out with your condition and you helped me learned about something else today. Made me aware of more possibilities that could happen in life.




@Whatsallthehubbub Lol. I guess we do ! I consider sex as a part of the living, breathing, eating category.. I guess your right though.. If given the choices food would be my priority.



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I've never found love in sex without intimacy. I've never found intimacy in the absence of openness and honesty. Over and over again, I find that openness and honesty take time. Sometimes aLOT of time...sometimes just a little. In the end, sex is BEST when I share the act(s) with someone I'm intimately connected to. In the absence of that kind of connection, it's just a shallow physical exercise. I've certainly felt the need for shallow physical exercise, don't get me wrong...but in my quest to truly love myself, I've come to a place of wanting to be with someone who can be deeply intimate.


If the two of you can experience genuine intimacy, then go for it! If you have doubts, consider the proverbial "pause" button so that you both have time to process the potential of what you already know about each other.


Best Wishes!

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