My first herpes disclosure

[sjj238]

So I told the guy I've been seeing last night. I went over to his place and he had a movie in so I told him to turn it down a little so I could talk to him. I said, "So you know how I had a cold sore once? Well I had one somewhere else once too. I was with a guy last year and he gave me herpes. It's not as scary as everyone makes it seem and I haven't had anything since the first time I got it. But I wanted you to know before I said yes to dating you which is why I said no earlier. I wasn't ready to tell you until now." He was still looking at the TV when I started talking but when I said the word "herpes" he looked right at me. He said "oh down there?" And I said yes. I was not expecting his reaction at all. I thought he'd be really cool about it. I asked him what he thought about it and he didn't really say anything. He actually said something about the movie. So I asked if he wanted time to think about it and he said yes. He always walks me out to my car at night, but this time he didn't get up so I just walked myself out and then practically ran to my car.

 

I forgot to say, after I told him, that I didn't want him to tell anyone so when I got back to my dorm, I texted him this: "Hey I know you want time to think, and I totally understand that. But I just wanted to say that I was really nervous to tell you and it's not something I have told many people. Regardless of what happens, I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone. I would also really appreciate it if you could call me when you're ready and just let me know what you're thinking, regardless."

 

I honestly thought he'd take it really well. And I don't know what he's thinking right now, which is the worst. I just wish things could go back to the way they were. But I honestly believe that if I hadn't gotten herpes, I wouldn't have become friends with this girl, Siri, and then she wouldn't have introduced me to this guy in the first place. I just hope I hear back from him and I hope he can handle it. I am wondering if he feels like I should have told him earlier. But my therapist kept telling me that I shouldn't tell him until I'm ready and I wasn't ready until now. I told him I'm a virgin too, and I am! I'm also wondering if he thinks I lied about being a virgin. I didn't tell him that I got herpes from a guy going down on me. I really like him but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I really thought he'd be cool about this…I'm really lucky that I have some support with you guys and with my sister, some friends, and my therapist.

 

I've had herpes for 10 months now. Crazy that in two more months it's going to be a whole year! Looking back, I still feel like it's all new, but it doesn't hurt anymore. It just sucks because of dating. I wish that everyone else could see that it's just some stupid cold sores. Life is short. I wish things like this didn't matter to people. I'll just have to wait and see what he says...

[WCSDancer2010]

Sjj ..

 

First, good for you for getting up the courage to disclose. That is a HUGE step, whatever he decides to do. It's also practice.... every time you disclose, it gets easier and you get better at it.

 

So a few hints for you. I'm guessing that the way you approached it was still from a place of shame...and he picked up on it. So keep working on acceptance.

 

Also, I would have asked him to turn the movie off completely. You really needed his attention, and having the TV on made it very easy for him to deflect and not face you and TALK to you. you always want to disclose at a time when you can actually face them and look them in the eye and let them know that YOU are OK with yourself (which I'm guessing was why you chose to disclose during the movie...you aren't quite there yet ;) ). YOUR confidence will carry through AND you can then give more details that they are likely to HEAR... rather than shutting down as soon as you mentioned the H word.

 

And finally, make sure that you are clear that the one you got is HSV1 - the same one that many of his friends have on their lip... AND that if he likes blowjobs, he needs to understand that he will be at risk of getting it himself if he has casual relationships and/or dates someone who has not been tested, because not everyone GETS the sores and many don't know they have it. Tell him YOU can take supressive meds and that his risk with that and condoms will be less than 2%... the same risk as dying getting in a car.

 

You may want to text him this info anyway - if nothing else you will be educating him - and I would text him the link to the handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout . You can start by saying that you want him to be PROPERLY informed whatever he decides and that there is a LOT of mis-information out there...then give him the above facts/link.

 

The 2 secrets to a successful disclosure (and successful means you are empowered, no matter how they react!) are confidence and the ability to educate the other person so that they can make a properly informed CHOICE to be with you. If they choose to walk away after they are educated, then it's just a deal breaker for them.... it's NOT a reflection on you, any more than if you were handicapped, or were too tall/short, had a child, or smoked. Everyone has things they can/will tolerate or live with and Herpes is just one more thing on that list.

 

Perhaps he was brought by your friend into your life to be your "practice partner" for someone who is meant to stay in your life .... ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[HerryTheHerp]

You just pulled a hit and run disclosure. "Hi, love ya, got herpes, c'ya later, call me when you want to talk about it more."

 

Yikes. That's gonna scare the bejebus out of any guy. About the only things that will scare a guy more than that are the words "I'm late," "It's time for you to meet my mother," or "Quick, my husband just got out of prison and he's on his way home."

 

I agree with everything WCS said. Sex and sexuality are undivided attention subjects. In fact, if you want to get a guy's undivided attention all you have to do is start off by saying "Let's talk about sex." You say those magic words and he'll turn the TV off, put the phone on vibrate, and allow the house to burn down while you talk to him.

 

So, what do you do now? Well, if it were me I'd ask for a mulligan on this one and take another swing at it. Give him a call. Don't text. Call. Explain to him that the type you have is HSV1, it's the same that causes cold sores, it's the same one that the vast majority of people pick up in childhood or college. Tell him how you picked it up. He'll understand. In fact, he'll probably be surprised that it can happen that way.

 

Sex is an open discussion, and nothing should be off the table for discussion with you and a partner. There are certain things you don't discuss, such as the size of a former partner's, well, you get the idea, and those romantic trips you took to Vegas with your pool boy, but number of partners, STD's, things you're willing to do/not willing to do are all things you should be ready and able to talk about with someone you're going to be intimate with.

 

You're a girl with lots of heart. Your posts show you've got a huge heart and lots of love that you're just dying to give to a lucky guy. But, you have to slow down and let your brain get her two cents into the discussion with your heart. That's hard for us fellow hopeless romantics to do, but herpes has a way of forcing us to do that. So, plan out your phone call and practice a few times with a trusted friend that already knows:

 

1. Hi, wanted to talk with you and see if I could try that again? See if he wants to talk on the phone or in person...then....

2. Tell him how you got it. Avoid the nitty gritty, but let him know how it happened.

3. Give him the HSV1 stats and facts. Talk about everything from transmission to what you can (and will do) to keep him from acquiring it. Include Dancers risk assessments for life; they're great comparisons.

4. Ask him if he has any questions??? He's going to, so bone up on your knowledge so you're Johnny on the Spot with your answers.

 

5. Most important tip of all...be confident. Men love confident women, and the more confident you are, the more comfortable he will be.

 

 

 

 

[fitgirl]

I don't believe there is any right or wrong way of disclosing. its a personal decision and one you make to the best of your ability at the time. for some people, disclosing in a letter (email) allows them to explain and articulate their story, sharing their fears and providing information. it can give the receiving person time to process and think through what they have just heard and doesn't put them in an awkward position to "say the right thing" . for others, the face to face disclosure is important with undivided attention. it wouldn't have mattered how you disclosed, the fact is, you were brave enough and cared enough to tell him. he is likely scared (as we all were) and needs time to think and research. unfortunately we all know how horrible google is! I recommend exactly what WCS said, guide him to the disclosure booklet and this site in general. and coming from someone who has had hsv2 for 17 years, I can assure you there are plenty of people out there who don't care about a minor skin condition once they understand it. WCS nailed it though.....deal breakers come in all forms and herpes is just one small detail in the game of dating. acceptance begins with you. being part of a group of elevated people who understand that we are giving way too much power to this silly virus will help you find good people who will love you in ways you could have never imagined.

[fitgirl]

I am new to the discussion board and I just looked back at previous conversations you have all had regarding disclosure.....it seems the majority strongly believe in face to face disclosure but as I mentioned in my previous post, we have to acknowledge that there is more than one way to skin this cat. texting is not the same as an email or in fact a good old fashioned letter! there is something extremely cleansing to put pen to paper and tell your story. I look at it like a diary entry, revealing your deepest darkest secrets and sharing the things you fear most. I have had more than one extremely positive outcome from writing to my potential partner and they appreciated having the time to sit and read and re-read my disclosure. it also gave them a chance to formulate their questions and not feel awkward asking them. in my letter I provided resources including this site to guide them towards accurate and positive information. disclosure is not a one size fits all scenario, you have to go with your gut and follow what ever path you are most comfortable with. its not too late to follow up with an email or letter ....the outcome may not be what you hoped but you will feel much better having put all your cards on the table

[HerryTheHerp]

I guess that's true. I'd never really thought about it that way, but I can see what you're saying now about writing it out and letting them let the information sink in.

 

I think it depends on the situation and the person most of all. Definitely agree with you on giving them the resources you want them to go to. That's one thing I strongly advocate as it gives you some control on what they see and learn, and keeps them out of the traps Google has all over the place that are so ultra negative and many of them false/misleading.

 

But, I definitely think whichever way you go, the conversation, letter, or email should always start with "Let's talk about sex" because you are guaranteed to get his undivided attention throughout ;)

[nic4897]

Hi my amazing forum,

 

 

Let's not forget that Herpes separates the "wheat from the chafe" and that mentality. No matter how you disclose, the point is that you do in the space you are in at the time of.. there are better ways for sure but a huge step has been taken. You disclosed. So special. Vulnerability. Chance of rejection. HUGE!!! And, the universe, in all its glory, points us toward those who should be in our lives at the time of our mental place and those that do not. You did the right thing and even though you trusted.. he may not trust you.. yet. And, its all OK. He has a right to say OK or No. It separates.. but for the right reasons. And, in this aerial view of the world, we recognize our choices of who should surround us. Give him time to absorb and if that time is too long for you.. move on from this place. You do have a choice in this too by his reaction. Its not only him in this.. its you as well. You could be the most charming in a disclosure and be charmed or you could choose. This isn't you accepting him or begging him to accept you.. so OK you do accept so now I'm with you.. it's I'm with you because I choose you. It's reciprocal. Remember your power. Remember it always. You have a choice by his reaction of you disclosing and being a good person. He does too. Don't be afraid of losing that which does not serve you or us as a forum or community. You deserve love. And, if this is or isn't ... the challenge is there presented by circumstance. If he cannot accept this small thing how would you fare in the bigger challenges the universe creates for us. Be strong, love. Realize your power and strength. You DO have a choice too. It's your choice too. xxx Much love. xoxo