I bought a fish...

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

I found out yesterday that Dustin got back together with his ex after giving me herpes and leaving me, not bein here for me etc. They had been separated two years before me and him. Anyways, I spent most of last night crying. Angry. So damn angry. I'm alone dealing with what he did and he goes on living his life like it is normal. And I can't. God how I want to be loved. All areas I can, but love I can't. I saw the picture and it ripped my hear that was already in pieces to a million smaller pieces. Like the cherry on top of my broken heart sundae. I wrote a letter, because when I saw that I think I was the closest I have been in this to ending it. As I wrote the letter I noticed how many people I had things to say to and how many people would be hurt if I went through with it. I am keeping it as a reminder of who I would hurt if I gave up. 6 pages of feelings, wishes, and thoughts. I ended up taking a bath, a klonopin and passed out.

 

I woke up today and worked all day when all I wanted to do was be in my bed. Letting everything just wash out. I get off work. I got a pedicure and are some Chinese. I went driving for a couple hours and finally it hit me. Right now, I don't feel worthy of love or like I'm going to find someone to love me. But I can still love. My million piece heart still has enough pieces to love. Even if I'm loving with pieces. I can love, even if I'm not loving myself or have someone loving me right now. I give love because I want love, I always have. I loved people before this who didn't love me. That was and is who I am. I have always loved without expecting it in return. This is why I got my heart broke so much before. And since this, I've stopped loving, or allowing myself to love because now I don't think I deserve love. But, loving people is such a big part of my life. And since this, I've stopped. I've stopped allowing myself to love people who don't love me. And in this moment, of awareness, I need to start loving again. Yes, myself, but other people more so because that's what made me special before all this I thought. That I love those who don't love me. Because I never wanted someone to feel unloved, I always loved hard. And to get back to myself, I need to remember who I am. I give love and allow it to not be returned just as long as that person knows they are loved.

 

Besides all that, I bought a fish in my moment of awareness. I needed something to need me. I can't have dogs at my apartment or any pet but a fish. So I got a fish. His name is Charley. And to everyone, it is just a fish. Sure. But to me, that fish fills my hole in my heart of wanting to be wanted and feeling needed. That fish needs me. Without me, that fish dies. I felt better staring at that stupid fish tonight and it staring at me. I know it needs me. And maybe I need that fish too. Maybe I'm crazy, but that fish depends on my crazy ass. I sat and watched that damn fish for an hour. And I felt at peace. I have something that needs me, that depends on me. No, it can't hold me or tell me it's okay, but it gives me a reason to feel needed and wanted. I love that stupid fish. And so... I bought a fish.

[WCSDancer2010]

This is beautiful... and I'm so glad you wrote that letter and realized how many people DO love you and would be hurt if you ended it. Suicide ALWAYS leaves a wake of wounds and pain for many more people than the person ever realizes.

 

And honey, really, let Dustin go. He's NOT the man for you. He's a jerk. Why the hell would you want to be with a jerk?

 

Keep putting the love out there... you can't receive love fully if you can't give it fully :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[PrimordialOoze]

I'm new to the H (just a week in). Thank you for posting this. I feel the same way. I try to find small ways to give love and feel needed. Suicide is very close to how I am feeling too. But as an article on this site said, the feeling will pass, all feelings pass. Don't give in to the negativity. xox ~ me

PS - if you need to, we can skype ... or talk - message me x

[HerryTheHerp]

You and I have the same problem; we give the people who hurt us waaayyy toooo much power over us. Take it back. It's your body. It's your sexuality. Take it back.

 

Did Hannibal let a couple of mountains stop him from traipsing across Europe? No.

 

Did Napoleon listen to Josephine when she said "Honey, let's stay home and watch a movie? Heck no, he grabbed his Army and went fishing for world domination.

 

Did Carrot Top allow good taste and common decency prevent him from destroying all that is good and decent in this world? I think not.

 

Are you gonna let a couple of blisters stop you? No. No. No.

 

Glad you got a fish. Charley's a good name for a fish. You have such a big heart and it is so obvious how much love you have to give. I'm telling ya, any guy you flash that fabulous smile at is gonna melt like butter under the Phoenix sun. And, the guy who's worth your time, and more importantly, worthy of your heart and that enormous wealth of love you're ready to offer, well, he'd be dumb, dumb, da dumb dumb not to grab onto you with all he's got.

 

Fish are relaxing. Talk to it all you want, but when he starts talking back we might need to schedule an intervention. Talking fish is a sign he's seen one too many Disney movies. It's also a sign that you need to be spending more time around people who love and care about you.

 

 

 

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Thanks y'all. Lol. Always making me smile and laugh. @wcs I think it's going to be a lot easier to let him go now, now I truly know he doesn't give a shit, as before I was hoping he did. Now I just know it isn't a concern of his.

 

@primordial.... You probably will have that feeling more than once. I have. A lot. But everyone is right... It does pass. It did for me everytime I've felt that way. And thank you, same to you. Me and everyone else is here for you. Keep trying.

 

@herry your posts always make me freaking smile, except when I see you are hurting and sad. I really do like my fish. He is my buddy. Thank you for the encouragement and support. I really needed that after seeing that picture of him and her. Charley is there though and needs me. :)

[Judith]

Hi Darling,

 

I know how you feel , when my ex broke up the second time with me (well second time he used me because he couldn't find anybody else to fuck ....nice ) he was only 1 month later together with one of my colleague who only sat 2 meters away from my desk( even nicer, let me feel more like a useless bitch :) )I felt betrayed ,up sad and nobody will love me ever but this go over...let dustin go he don't worse it. Now I know that he wasn't the right guy for me and I wasn't the person he wanted ....that happens but as you said you are a person who love people and that important, you know who you are.

By the way it would be really nice if you could get your new friend Charley a friend too, its probably really boring situation for him alone in that glass, get him another fish he can love too....If you love him he will thank you for that.( I hope you don't have one off this really small spherical aquarium.....give him some space too ....ok sorry now my love for animals speak, but probably he fell like us having herpes and being the only fish in that world. Free charley :):):)

Let Dustin go and get the great person you always had been.

 

[Ral515]

Hey girl. I had my first outbreak while with mine boyfriend. The moment I told him, he totally freaked just as I did. Then he told me we could work past it. I decided to get on daily Valtrex, watching what I was eating, and doing all the other little tips I could find. Then a week later, he decides to tell me that he can't handle me having the H and wants to break up. I accepted that he accepted me. I was crushed.. I'm still having my moments. :( He is tryin to play the friend role with me. I really don't know why because I already mad it clear that he doesn't want to "ruin his life" by getting this. Two days ago, I decided to ask him if he got tested yet. I still don't know who I received this from. He tells me "No I haven't but I'm not sexually active and I don't have any sores in or around my area". I reminded him that didn't matter and I decided to take the advice that @WCSDancer2010 and show him the info on it. His next response was very douchebag-ish. It stated "I will before I start f**king".. Then he proceeds to send me a "Mexican word of the day", which low and behold was the word "herpes". I told him that I was glad he found it funny and told him that it hurt my feelings.. Then he says "I left you because of it.. What makes you think I want to keep talking about it?"....he never acted like this when we were in a relationship.. He was the most positive and pleasant person to be with... I'm trying my hardest not to let all this get to me.. It just upsetting at times. :(

 

I'm sorry that you have to go through all this. Charley is a great name and was a great idea for to get. :) I'm 23.. I have a few dogs but they are constantly around my dad.. He doesn't know about the H and I try to keep my feelings from him.. But I have a huge stuffy dog in my room that has wiped plenty of tears from my eyes . If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me at any time.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Ral515

 

Have you read my blog about Herpes being your Wing-man... if not, it's here

 

http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man

 

This is not at all about you or your Herpes. It's about him and his true nature. Herpes showed you the REAL man you were with - the man who states he wants to be there for you, but the minute things get tough, he gets nasty. Sorry but I think you dodged a huge bullet there. He is scared to get tested because it might show that you got it from HIM. If he waits and is positive, he can blame you. Walk away from that one. Fast. Ugly people are not worth your time....

 

(((HUGS))) my friend...

[Ral515]

Thanks for being so wonderful @WCSDancer2010. I will read the article shortly. All of that is so true. My best friend and I discussed that if he is positive that I will have to live with him saying I gave it to him.

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Thanks for all the support everyone. @ral, I'm so sorry you have had a bad situation with the boyfriend.... I just get so angry about that stuff. I would never ever treat someone that way if I was the cause of a problem in their life. But not everyone is like me. I have to accept that. It's hard, and I feel your pain. Try to stay positive. We are here for you. You message me anytime you need to. Xoxo

[Ral515]

Thanks @thisisgoingtobeokay. I feel the same way. I feel like the bad guy and didn't even do anything. I'm always here is you need to talk as well.

[msmee]

In a strange way, finding out I have herpes helped me take stock of my life and the people I have in it. It helped me stop some destructive behaviors and really get myself together. I even entered therapy because of my diagnosis and once there realized herpes was just the thing that got me in the door. It's crazy how something like this can let you know what kind of people you're dealing with. To everyone that's down in the dumps over the actions of someone else, you have to take that power back. I know it's easier said than done, but really, screw them.

[WCSDancer2010]

I know it's easier said than done, but really, screw them.

 

Amen :)

[HerryTheHerp]

Well, we did already screw them. That's why we're here.