Hurt Angry and Not wanting to disclose herpes

[Unlucky11]

I was just recently diagnosed with HSV 1 and HSV 2 through a blood test. I have shown no sign or symptoms of having the virus yet. So I had some questions I was hoping to get cleared up.

 

1) I was looking at some of the posts on here on how to deal with this, and I came across the last one that talked about the initial pain of the first outbreak. This lady said she can hardly walk or go to the bathroom. Some of the follow up posts by people who have posted regularly on here were not helpful to read. They were joking about how physically painful there herpes outbreaks were as well. I am hoping that some of you who were diagnosed before you had outbreaks maybe able to shed some light on how long before you break out if ever after you contract it. What is the pain going to be like going through disease? I get that the first outbreak is awful but what about subsequent ones. And what am I facing if I am one of the unlucky people who is not asymptomatic.

 

2) What is the likelihood that the test was wrong? I had a nondescript Herpes blood test taken. I live in a very poor rural town. They fumbled and fudged about the results saying my levels were higher than normal, and then when I asked the guy did I have this or not he put me on hold for 10 minutes and then came back and said that I did. I followed up with the Doctor in a different town because I did not even want my physician to know, and this guy says he can’t do anything for me unless I have an Outbreak. So if some of you could shed some light on that as well I would appreciate it. However it will take some convincing to get retested because…

 

3) I do not want the results to come back positive a second time. As I mentioned I live in a small rural town. This is not Chicago or St Louis where the dating scene is plentiful and you can go out and find someone new each night to ask out. The potential dating pool is almost non-existent already. I am going to not disclose that I have this to anyone. I feel better about a lie of omission than actually knowing for sure and having to deal with that. This is how I am going to handle it now, that might change in weeks or months. But the person who I believe I got it from lied to me because I never would have slept with them had I known. I wouldn’t sleep with anyone that disclosed it previously and neither would anyone that I know.

 

4) In fact not only did she not disclose that she had it but I think she is still lying about it. So I had some questions are frequent UTI’s a sign of Herpes. She said she had a zit on her under lip, she put alcohol on it for a long time to dry this out which I had never heard of so I was wondering if that was a typical I guess home remedy. And what type of skin creams would she have if she has this for outbreaks. I ask because she said she went and got tested and the mailed her almost like a postcard from the office saying blood work was normal. I don’t know I might be paranoid but she has been completely ok with it, and not worried about it in the least. To the point where my suspicions are up, it would take too long on here to explain.

 

I know that all of you on here have been through different things on here. Thank you for replying to this and trying to help me in advance. I am going through a lot and this was the worst news I have had besides the loss of a family member in my life.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@Unlucky11

 

First - Welcome. You have found a great place to become educated and get your questions answered, as well as to rant and look for support.

 

So I'm known as the Forum Mom in part because I will give you no-nonsense straight answers... so please don't take anything personally. I just don't sugar coat things.... that's all ;)

 

The GOOD news is that if you have been asymptomatic this long, you may never ever have an OB and if you do, you may ride it out much faster than many do who have a first OB within weeks of exposure, because your body is obviously already doing a great job of fighting the virus. Your best defense now is to keep your body healthy and your life as stress free as possible. Anyone who had had this for awhile (I've had HSV1 since I was 3 and HSV2 since I was 17 and I'm 52 now) will tell you that Herpes is a great barometer of your physical and mental health.

 

Herpes LOVES stress... so while you may not be able to believe it right now, do know that we all survived our OB's if you ever Do have one. By comparison to Cancer, it's a walk in the park.... Some ARE tough and you just never know who will have a bad OB (AND, I can tell you as a Massage Therapist, a LOT has to do with your views on pain and pain tolerance as to how you will experience an OB of ANY size). So we can't tell you what you might be facing if you do eventually have an OB, but I can promise you, how you mentally face it will make a HUGE difference. If you look at it as something you just have to ride out, do what you can to help your body heal, etc, it will be a much less "painful" experience then if you go into freak-out mode at the first sign of a pimple. ;)

 

Liklihood that the test is wrong - Low. Sorry - not going to lie. But tell me, how long since you *think* you were exposed... and how long since your last sexual contact? Depending on the test, IgM can tell soon after (weeks) but often has a False Negative result and usually isn't recommended any more. IgG is more likely to be very accurate after 4-6 months post exposure. The result goes on the antibodies found in the blood, so it's easier to get a false negative if your body isn't fighting it well... a positive result means your body is fighting the virus and is pretty accurate - esp if your numbers were high. You should go in and request a printed copy of the result so you know what test they used and the numbers of the result.

 

Regarding re-testing/having your physician know - theres a thing called the Hippa laws that mean that any medical professional can't even tell people they treat you at all, never mind what you are there for. So if you need to re-test then just do it... BUT, I would say go to Planned Parenthood or a Urologist as Family Physicians are often well out of date on the info around Herpes....including the BS about not testing unless you are having an OB.

 

I am going to not disclose that I have this to anyone. I feel better about a lie of omission than actually knowing for sure and having to deal with that.

 

OK - I'm going to warn you, this is something most of us on here have a BIG problem with... because really, YOU got it because someone very likely lied to you.... you know what you are going through (which is ONLY as a result of a undeserved stigma thanks to the CDC's non testing policy and the fact that we don't discuss STD's like ADULTS in this country :( ) . Do you REALLY want to be responsible for doing the same thing to another?

 

I know you feel like you will never find anyone in your town ... but believe me, you CAN and WILL find someone IF you come to terms with the facts and learn how to protect your partner. I've had 2 H- partners who love ME and who didn't get it from me and I was with each for 3 years. I've had 2 children, was also married for 20 years (I gave it to him because we didn't know what my "rash" really was), and he and I are still good friends. The only thing Herpes has done for me is show me who the guys are who I don't really need to be with.

 

Whether she knew the "zit" was herpes or not (or even if it IS Herpes) we likely won't know...tho to be honest, you should tell her so she has no excuse now to not get tested and know her own status.

 

AND, to be honest, unless you get tested very regularly for HSV, you could have been carrying this awhile, esp HSV1. 60% of young people have it by the time they reach Adulthood. 80% of people have HSV1 by the time they are 50. As for HSV2, 1 in 6 people have it by age 50. You need to read the Disclosure handout and get the reality that this is a MUCH more common than you think ;)

 

Handouts:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

I know this is not something that you wanted and it feels like the end of the world. But I promise you my friend, it is FAR from it. Take time to get to understand the facts. Read all you can here. Ask all the questions you need to ask. And know that you WILL be ok. I promise :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Unlucky11]

I understand your point on disclosing. Unfortunately I also know several people who had Herpes. The first guy I was in college with. It got out that he had it and no one dated him for the four and half years while he was there. No one. He wasn’t bad looking or a bad guy. In fact he was smart, funny and a pretty good person. The individual could not get a date throughout college. The town I moved to, once it gets out that the person has it they basically have to go completely out of town to get someone. Even then they don’t bring around the individual.

I am new to this. And I am glad that someone who has a lot of experience on this forum responded so fast. I have not yet gotten a chance to read my inbox message from the forum administrator with all of the posts that would answer my various questions. Right now this was life altering. I have never been so depressed in my life. I think the only way for me personally to deal with it is not disclosing. What good is it going to do me ? Yes it benefits the other person, so they don’t have to take a guaranteed risk of having sex with me. But I found out even with a condom all sex is risky. If I can get laid why tell the person on a one night stand? That is ridiculous. I have lived a life where I have looked out for other people, been kind, worked in charities, and churches. To me right now I need to just look out for my own self interest. I joined this place for help and working through it. And I plan to be active in posting as long as I am getting help. I realize your argument because I made it to the girl I am with now. How could you do this to me? Why did you do this to me? You’re a horrible person how could you not say something? And I have the answers to that. You see they were looking out for themselves. I need to start doing that too. In order for me to deal with it right now I have to act like I don’t have it. That might change with an outbreak, or with infecting someone else. But right now my soul is crushed. I have to fix me.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

But I found out even with a condom all sex is risky

 

Yes - and NOT just around Herpes. HPV can also be passed on with a condom my friend. And without a a condom you run the risk of ALL the Sexually Transmitted conditions INCLUDING pregnancy. (BTW, be glad you dodged THAT bullet.... and consider that next time you think about going bareback... IMO it is totally not fair that men put ALL the responsibility on the woman to not get pregnant. If you don't want a child, if you can't support a child, WEAR A CONDOM.

 

If I can get laid why tell the person on a one night stand?

 

How would you feel if someone did that to YOU? I'm an atheist but I do live by the Golden Rule of "Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them DO Unto You". And BTW, don't expect them to disclose to you if they have something else then... if you don't SEE a person's STD test status, you are risking getting another STD - one that may be a LOT Worse. Think about it :/

 

The only way you can protect yourself AND others is through honesty. Period. Dishonesty got you here. And I expect that really, you know that looking out after yourself KNOWING you can do harm to another is not who you REALLY are. You are just hurt right now, and I get that. But really, really think before you allow the other head to run the show in the future, eh?

 

What you need to do to fix you isn't going to be fixed with sex. It's going to be fixed with you finding self love ... sex is a great escape and lots of fun but as you have learned it can have long term ramifications. And BTW, if you pass it on KNOWING you have it, there are some states that have a law that allows the person who gave it to you to take you to court. So think long and hard before you jump in the hay and do the horizontal mambo, and for gosh sakes PLEASE use a condom from now on until you take your mate to the STD clinic to swap papers. Because that is the ONLY way you can be sure that you know each other's condition ....

 

(((HUGS)))

[Unlucky11]

Thank you again for your response. I appreciate you taking the time to try and help me through this. Especially since you are the only who responded or decided to give input or any dialogue to help me work through this so far. I made an appointment for a therapist next week to try and deal with some of these issues. I think you are right, I am mad and bitter. I don’t want this to completely alter my life. I don’t want it to change me and become an awful person by going around and giving this to people . I want to keep living it the way I was. Had I known how I would have reacted after getting tested I never probably would have done it.

 

However I am not going to be an outcast. That was a large part of what I have seen from people who have HSV 2. You highlighted a lot of my asshole statements. And yes I can realize it seems like I am being that. But what I am concerned about is the guy from College who never got laid and or a date with being honest for four years. The women in my town that are shunned and no one approaches because they are outted with herpes. The culture in my area may not be one of intelligence, but it doesn’t lend itself to becoming educated and accepting either. I will have to hide it, or be an outcast just like what I have witnessed. Its one thing to say I have told my partners and they have accepted me (being from whatever area you are from), its another to be in a small town with only a few single individuals left that are of similar age as I am. I knowingly am going to be taking a risk having sex with others, protected of course. If someone told me they had HPV before we have sex I am not going to have sex with them. Simple.

 

I have seen a lot of talk about percentages on here. 10 % chance of infecting someone, 80% asymptomatic, 16% of all people have HSV 2. No one ever goes into the percentage of ppl who will flat out reject you if you come forward. I’d take an estimate it is in the 85% to. Why not claim ignorance to the person in the relationship? Isnt that better than never being able to have a relationship. Constantly getting rejected or being alone? Or worse having to settle for someone who isn’t really what you want because they are so desperate that they will take the person with herpes?

 

Again I appreciate you allowing me to bounce this back off you. I hope others get involved because it is great to get some feedback instead of just having all these thoughts in my head.

 

[CR_19]

Everyone reacts differently to finding out they have herpes and its been often said on this site that it resembles the stages of grief. Right now, you are angry and that's completely okay. Where you are at with this diagnosis flows and one day you may be okay while the next it's back to hurt. For me it been a year and I cannot even begin to list all the emotions I've gone through. Honestly, I'm still angry not that I have herpes but at my decisions. I know that I can't change the past and I'm working on forgiving myself.

 

I think you've hit the nail on the head when you mentioned where you're from is uneducated, most of the U.S. population is very uneducated about sex. The sexual education I received when I was younger and through college (I'm 24) doesn't compare to the self educated I've had in the past year because of herpes. A large percentage of the sexual population has or has had HPV. HPV is known to cause warts but just like herpes it can hang out without any symptoms. Actually, most STD's can be asymptomatic so the person may have no idea what they're carrying around. HPV and herpes are just those that stick around a bit longer but besides the strains of HPV that can cause cervical cancer, these two pose no long term threat to your physical health.

 

Now emotionally, that's a different story. We live in a very sexualized society that refuses to have frank and open conversations about sex. I understand the fear and apprehension about disclosing to someone. However, relationships are about trust and honesty; and in my opinion not telling someone you're 0 for 2. I can't say I've told a potential partner but I have told close friends and they've opened up to me with their own stories. I actually have a friend that has herpes and recently got married to a different guy than the one she got herpes from (her husband knows she has herpes).

 

Rejection, yeah it could happen. It could happen cause she doesn't like how you behave around her friends, how you eat your food, that you have herpes, that you don't have glasses, or that you say caramel wrong. Also she could like you, not be thrilled that you have herpes but accept it cause being with you is a much bigger pro than herpes being a con.

 

I've often thought about if a particular guy I liked told me he had herpes and what I would have done before I myself got it. It would have been a tough but I cared so much about him that without a doubt I would have accepted him. Maybe that's just me but herpes can't erase all the butterflies that I get when I think about him.

[livewelldiy]

I understand why you are freaking out about this and can tell you that the first few months are the craziest. Every free moment you have is like a piece of gum stuck on your shoe. Every other thought is "I have herpes" "what am I going to do?" "Nobody will ever want me again". I can tell you that these thoughts will eventually be drowned out by every day tasks.. not right away, but eventually. I've had HSV2 since I was 17-18 yrs old. I am soon to be 25. I know the feeling of being judged by everyone in a small town... that's why I only decided to let my closest friends know what I am dealing with but also any potential partners before sexual contact. Do you have a friend that you can put your complete trust in? If not, tell a family member that you trust.

 

If someone gets to know you and really likes you, and you both want to become intimate, the right thing to do is disclose. Not on the first date if you don't want to, but when you feel getting intimate is the next step. There are tons of posts on here about successfully disclosing, which you can read about later or when you're thinking about disclosing. If that person really truly, honestly, loves you for you, they will be able to look past it. I'm telling you because it's happened to me.

 

My suggestion to you is, rant on here. Get it all out. You are angry, bitter. It may take a few days, may take weeks, or a month. But once you learn that it's not really about the virus, it's about you evolving and learning to accept it and move on. With all the talk of a small town, I mean, are you going to stay there your whole life? Probably not. So for now, like you said, you need to focus on you. That doesn't mean go out and have one night stands.. it means physically(exercising), mentally(positive thoughts), emotionally(letting yourself feel angry and upset) taking care of yourself. Right now you are so distraught, you don't know what to do.

 

Take a few deep breaths. H is something that every single one of us on here has. And we can tell you that your life is not over. Your sex life is not over. It is just put on the back burner for a little. Keep posting on here, we will help you through all these emotions/feelings you are having and with any questions.

 

We're all in the same boat...

[WCSDancer2010]

@Unlucky11 I don’t want this to completely alter my life. I don’t want it to change me and become an awful person by going around and giving this to people . I want to keep living it the way I was. Had I known how I would have reacted after getting tested I never probably would have done it.

 

So - if you had not been tested, you would definitely be passing this on. And pissing a whole lot of women off...and possibly be outed to the whole community by a pissed off woman who might tell all her women friends that you have Herpes. Yeah... it happens all the time.

 

Try this on for size. You have come to a site that promotes the "Herpes Opportunity". We call it an Opportunity because those of us who have had it awhile realize that we ARE different, we ARE altered... but in a GOOD way. Read Inka's post here on how she realizes that Herpes made her a better person http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2646/how-herpes-made-me-a-better-person .

 

ANY TIME you come to a crossroads in your life where life has thrown you a massive curve ball that changes the path that you thought you were going down, you can either let it define you (usually in a negative way), or you can CHOOSE to grow and learn from it. The fact that you keep replying (and not taking my direct replies personally and getting offended) tells me that deep down you are a caring, loving, beautiful person who WANTS to do the right thing but who, right now, just can't see how it will happen. Trust in the process and keep coming here with your thoughts and rants... it's ok ... that's what we are here for ... and btw, I don't see you as an asshole at all. ;)

 

No one ever goes into the percentage of ppl who will flat out reject you if you come forward. I’d take an estimate it is in the 85% to.

 

Well, I am sure that the numbers may change depending on demographics ... however, I think even MORE importantly it depends on your circle of friends. There are a lot of studies that show that WHO you surround yourself with will determine who you become... both spiritually/personally AND financially.

 

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/can-your-circle-friends-influence-who-you-are.html

 

So - even within a small town, if you surround yourself with negative people, you will get negativity back at you when you are down. Those people THRIVE on other people's problems. But I bet there are a lot of Open Minded, Loving people there too who are a positive influence on the world around them. You get to choose who you allow into your inner circle. Perhaps Herpes came into your life to teach you to pick your friends and confidants better. It will certainly show you who the jerks are in your life. Do you want 100% of the people to like you/surround you OR are you ok with the 15% who are those who are willing to be educated, who accept you for YOU, and who are a positive influence in their world. Me? I'll that that tip 15%... the rest can take a running jump ;)

 

BTW: I've put that 85% figure to the test. You can read my ongoing blog about how I came COMPLETELY out of the closet here:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1754/im-out-of-the-herpes-closet

 

Spoiler alert: Out of the THOUSANDS of people on my FB page, dating sites, etc... I have only had one somewhat minor "bad" reaction (my 25 yr old daughter is not talking to me because she feels she's being affected by my being out... this is a child who has been on more AIDS walks and has more Gay friends than 99% of the population ... but she has always rejected a lot of what I do... :p ). The rest? Complete support and love from all my friends. Because I only let POSITIVE people into my life ;)

 

And I hate to tell you this but if you won't have sex with a girl who has HPV... you might as well join the Monastery right now...because the CDC says EVERYONE will get at LEAST one of the 30-odd strains at some point in their life.

 

CR_19 is right We live in a very sexualized society that refuses to have frank and open conversations about sex

 

So we have a catch-22 - we want to have sex whenever and however we want but we don't want to have ADULT conversations about any of it - sexuality, kink, STD's, fears, fantasies, or anything else. That leads to a LOT of ignorance and a silent epidemic of STD's.

 

Bottom line: you can keep being part of the problem or you can step up and be part of the solution. And what is the solution? First, you have to allow yourself time to process all of what is happening right now. Take your time. It's ok. You can't rush this part or you will always be in pieces, never at peace. Then, work on that circle of friends. Herpes will help you filter those who you don't want/need around you...promise. It's a GREAT wingman http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man/ Finally, BE the person who you would want to have in YOUR life. If you are ok with having a partner who lies to you about her STD's, well, then, be that person. Somehow I don't think that is what you want though. YES, you WILL get rejected. But rejection is part of life and the sooner you come to terms with that and realize that it's about THEM, NOT about YOU, the sooner you will be at peace with yourself AND your Herpes friend. Yes, hook-ups and one-night-stands may not be in your future (but it's not impossible http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it ) but in the long run, you are poised to create a life for yourself that is beyond your wildest dreams right now. I know you can't see that right now. You'll just have to trust a 35 year veteran of the H-brigade on this one ;)

 

Peace out

 

PS: @livewelldiy ... LOVE this phrase

Every free moment you have is like a piece of gum stuck on your shoe.

[Unlucky11]

Thank you CR, LiveWell, and dancer again for your responses. They truly are helping me and right now I need people to talk to who are experienced with everything related to this. I am treating this like group therapy.

 

 

Dancer I do not mind what or how you say things. Its all dialogue. Which is extremely helpful. I do not agree with everything you say or do but this is basically charity work on your part. You take time out of your day to help people who need help for free.

 

This is basically like an ethics class. In Grad school they taught business ethics. They brought out examples of Enron, Bernie Madoff, and several other prominent examples of what not to do. They said when you are in this situation, how would you act? Of course everyone took the noble road and said they wouldn't do the unethical thing in that situation. The problem, it wasn't real money, or real consequences. I am probably not going to disclose this to a girl at the bar that I don't know to take home for a one night stand. That stance may change in the future but for right now that is how I am going to proceed. I had a chance to hook up with a girl for Mardi Gras in St. Louis this Saturday from college. I couldn't even bring myself to go because I didn't want to put myself in that situation of having to say something or do something without disclosing.

 

CR-19 is the person that you get butterflies with the one that gave you Herpes? I wasn't entirely clear on the ending of your post.

 

Livewell, "With all the talk of a small town, I mean, are you going to stay there your whole life? Probably not. So for now, like you said, you need to focus on you. That doesn't mean go out and have one night stands.. " I actually operate a business out of land that I own in the area. So yes unfortunately I will be tied to that area my entire life.

 

I have confided in the girl with who I was currently dating, my best friend, my brother, and my mother. My brother gave me the idea of a lie by omission in not exposing. My best friend said you can't let this get out to anyone. My mother was disgusted and during a heart to heart said its possible to find someone but she would never have dated anyone who disclosed Herpes. These were all honest assessments from people who are closet to me. I don't want to write a novel about each discussion but that was what I got. Sp it does help to get the perspectives from here

 

 

This girl that I was seeing basically has denied having it. However I believe she does. Just acted completely oblivious to it all and Ive caught her lieing through out. If she opens up first date or before we get intimate I would have left. I would have thought no one was worth getting something that stays with you for life. So she didn't probably let me catch and then acted like it was ok. I cant say that I agree with her not disclosing but I am coming to understand why she didn't. I only feel comfortable sleeping with her now.

I believe like you that Honesty and Trust are the cornerstone for any lasting and worthwhile relationship. I don't know if I can be like her and have sex without disclosing or worrying about the other person catching it. I haven't been put to the actual test with anyone else yet. It is just like business school, I won't know what I am going to do until I am put in that situation.

 

[CR_19]

The guy who gives me butterflies is not the one I got herpes from. The guy I got herpes from I honestly believe was one of the 80% who have it and wasn't aware.

 

I'm sorry that you've had such reactions when you've disclosed. I've told my mom & a group of friends and no one has had an appalled reaction. Obviously, it's not an ideal situation but everyone's been okay. The only adverse reaction I can think of is of an older friend who was a bit judgmental about the situation that led me to get herpes in the first place. Her concern sometimes comes out as judgement and she's also judged our mutual friend for getting drunk & throwing up (which is life and we're 7 years younger than her so its different life stages).

 

I'm going to pose a question if you wouldn't be willing to risk getting herpes for someone you love (even with chances being really low). Would you risk getting chicken pox? That's something a large percent of people get as a child and the virus is in the same family as herpes. Also once you get chicken pox, you'll have it for life. Your immune system will build up and you won't display any symptoms. But if you become stressed later in life or your immune systems becomes weak for some reason you can develop shingles as an adult. Shingles is from the chicken pox virus and it's extremely painful as being in that family of viruses it travels along nerves.

 

Now the differences between herpes and shingles are 1. herpes is sexually transmitted and 2. shingles tends to be more painful. Herpes is just a kind of bothersome rash that may have a little pain associated. Shingles pain can be so bad that people are unable to work or leave the house until the flare up subsides. So the big difference is that there is shame around herpes because its related to sex because there are other viruses that have such a bigger impact on our lives than herpes.

[livewelldiy]

That’s very true, it is just like an ethics class.

And ok, makes sense about living in the same area. Sorry for the misunderstanding. Still, it doesn't mean that new people won't move to your town. Dealing with this is all about having an open mind and seeing things in a new light, while everyone else is clueless as to what this diagnosis actually is.

 

At least you had the guts to tell your family. Nobody in mine knows. I can't tell my mother because I know she will reject me. I know it hurts. it's like a thorn in your side.. and you can't get it out. Now we know H is not fatal. It is only a mere skin condition. Many people don't see it that way because of all the negative social stigmas out there and the people who don't have H have no idea what it's like. Once you contract it, it's a whole different ballgame and you have a clearer view as to what it actually is. All that junk when you search it on google just makes it worse.

 

You said, “ I had a chance to hook up with a girl for Mardi Gras in St. Louis this Saturday from college. I couldn't even bring myself to go because I didn't want to put myself in that situation of having to say something or do something without disclosing. “ – that’s your conscience at work. That’s a good sign. It shows you have a good heart and you ultimately want to do the right thing, regardless of your wants at the time. When an event like this actually occurs, just take a minute to really think about your choices:

 

You can 1) be honest and disclose, 2) proceed without disclosing, or 3) postpone “hooking up” to see if you truly like the girl and then if all goes well, you can disclose at a time you think is best.

 

Not sure if you’re looking for just flings or a girlfriend.

 

Now, about the girl that gave you herpes. The fact that she denies that she has it is very common behavior. With all the negative stereotyping, why would she want to acknowledge it and disclose even when someone questions her about it? Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I presume that's basically where you're at too?

 

You also said, “I can’t say that I agree with her not disclosing but I am coming to understand why she didn’t.” – You see her perspective better, because you’re living with the same thing. She just chooses to deny it and that’s that. You can't change that. You can’t force her to acknowledge that she has it. Some people deny it their whole life and never tell anybody they sleep with. Is that right and just? Absolutely not, but that's my opinion, because I contracted it from someone who knew that he had it and didn't tell me. In a relationship, the beginning stages, middle, whatever, I value honesty and integrity over a good time any day. Honesty shows your true strength and character.

 

It is not right what she did to you at all. And to be honest, to keep sleeping with her even though it’s comfortable is probably not the best thing for you, unless you can honestly forgive her and start over again.

 

My question to you is, If someone who is interested in you and you are interested in them asks you directly if you have been tested/ have any STD's, what would you say? I know it'll be different in the moment and because it hasn't happened to you yet, but just take a moment to mull it over.

[WCSDancer2010]

I had a chance to hook up with a girl for Mardi Gras in St. Louis this Saturday from college. I couldn't even bring myself to go because I didn't want to put myself in that situation of having to say something or do something without disclosing.

 

Yes - as livewell said... that was your concience talking... BUT also, if you don't disclose, that means you are not asking about their status either and/or you take their word for it that they are STD-free AND on birth control. That's a whole lotta trust to put on someone you just met. I know hookups are fun in the moment but again, look at risk management here my friend..... if you are afraid to disclose over a skin condition, how can you expect her to be honest about something like HPV or HIV??? Think about it my friend.... it's like playing Russian Roulette with your health. You already managed to find a live bullet once.... so are you still willing to play the game. Be careful my friend... the next one might be a much bigger bullet.

 

 

[Elliotj]

Wise words @WCS

[Guest]

I think you may want to drive to the nearest big city and get re-tested. It's all private and the results come via email. Labcorp has labs everywhere and just go online to find the testing service. Both HSV 1 and 2 could run you about $150. What made you decide to get tested in the first place if you're asymptomatic? Also if you've never shown symptoms it's hard to pin it on the last lady in your life. When was the suspicious exposure that you believe infected you?

[rene]

I know exactly how this feels. I live in a very snobby place; it's very small and everybody is practically related to one another!! Relationships are mostly with people from the same area. The word "Herpes" is something that has probably never even been mentioned here.

My mum has been very understanding, but she has said I've not to mention it to anyone. I believe she thinks I should just get any potential lover to use a condom and hope that will suffice.

My conscience is starting to catch up with me though. The man who gave it to me just kept telling me he was fine when the blisters weren't there, and I believed him. He is still promiscuous, going from one "relationship" to another, usually a whirlwind. I can't be like that anymore.

 

[Unlucky11]

Unhappy I am not for sure that it was her 100% but she had the medication for Herpes in her medicine drawer from several months prior to us dating. Found that and decided to get tested.

 

I was starting to come to grips with the disclosing and that I would have to eventually do it in a new relationship. Than I watched the About last night with Kevin Hart. In the movie he is trying to hit on several women and his ex walks up and scares them off. He asks her what she said to them , her reply was that he gave her herpes. He screams out I Dont have "fucking herpes " everybody in the film stops and looks at him. There is a bunch of laughing were I was watching it. It's just awful feeling. Watching the jokes, hearing them, knowing that you would be shunned if people knew.

 

In a small town you cant disclose. Its just that simple. You go from a person that has to the butt of the town jokes. People that actually know you making fun of you. Not some random movie making you seem like an outcast.

 

I am actually wondering if anybody forgave the person who gave it to them for not saying anything? Did you still stay together? Or did you lie when you were found out?

 

 

[Guest]

I think you should get re-tested so you are completely confident of what you have. Based on your description, it seems like the people who told you what you had did not inspire confidence. Sometimes there are false positives.

 

Dr. Handsfield estimates ("guesses") that 80% of the time when people contract HSV, there are symptoms within 2 to 10 days after the exposure. Yes, lots of people say they never had any symptoms before diagnosis, however, the symptoms are usually identified with something else (e.g. jock itch, yeast infection, etc.) and by the time they go away, the person thinks they are fine. Also, I suspect people say that as a CYA maneuver when their partner confronts them about the unexpected gift they received. So if you have been vigilant checking your body, and you have still been asymptomatic, I would have even less confidence in the people who tested you.

 

Here, for some reason you got an HSV test. Did you get the test because your partner told you to do it? Was she having a break out? Did you have lesions or a sore? There are a lot of blanks in this scenario so I recommend you start at the beginning. What caused you to get tested in the first place? Get re-tested elsewhere. I think you can get a blood draw locally and send it to Nurse Practitioner T. Warren at the University of Washington and she will get to the bottom of what you have quickly. I have read at least two scenarios on Medhelp (STD and Herpes expert and non-expert forums) where people thought they had it, but didn't, or thought they had HSV2, when it really was HSV1.

 

Bottom line, I recommend you get your ship in order before casting off into the HSV sea.

[WCSDancer2010]

While I agree with @Unhappy1 about getting retested (and the test you want to find is the Western Blot to ship to the U of W ... it is the Gold Standard and is nearly 100% accurate) just to be sure of what you have, I DO want to add that many more men than women never show signs (or at least, remember that one time they had jock itch or whatever). Likely because our lady parts are much thinner and we also have the wonderful hormones associated with our periods to deal with (my OB are nearly nil since I hit menopause). So it IS entirely possible that @Unlucky11 never had an OB.

 

Now - here's my POV. (And it's pushing me to another Blog, because I think this is something that everyone on here needs to think about). You said:

 

" Than I watched the About last night with Kevin Hart. In the movie he is trying to hit on several women and his ex walks up and scares them off. He asks her what she said to them , her reply was that he gave her herpes. He screams out I Dont have "fucking herpes " everybody in the film stops and looks at him. There is a bunch of laughing were I was watching it. It's just awful feeling. Watching the jokes, hearing them, knowing that you would be shunned if people knew.

 

So imagine you are watching that movie before you had Herpes. What would you have seen in that scene that is one of the lessons of the movie (because writers are usually writing about the Human Condition ... how we live and react to what happens around us, there is often a message in the parts where there is a strong human interaction). What is the message of that scene. Play along with me..... I'm going to create a space here so you don't see my answer immediately.... I want you to think about this on your own first:

 

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

 

So here is what I see. I see an angry, vindictive bitch that the guy is lucky to be rid of. I see a bunch of uneducated women who take one angry, vindictive bitches word for something and who don't do the right thing and ask the guy if it's true and if so, what are the implications. But most of all, I see a guy who is allowing the OPINIONS and IGNORANCE of other people to cause him to react to what she has done in a way that it hurts him more because he is now on the defense. Game, set, and match to the Bitch.

 

Now, lets recreate the scene. Bitch goes around telling all these girls and they run. Because really, can you blame them? They don't know better. Their small town ignorance is running their lives and noone taught them how to live with Integrity and thus to go to the person who is being slandered by said angry Bitch (and BTW, as a woman, if another woman comes to me unasked and starts badmouthing a guy to me, I make sure I get more information elsewhere but I also still make up my own mind about whether that was an ugly person spreading lies or something I need to clear up with the subject).

 

And then you have Kevin Hart's reaction. I'm realizing more and more on here that most people are letting the Opinions and Ignorance of other people run their LIVES. How sad is that?

 

Any person who is 100% ok with who they are, who is totally confident in themselves, who does their best to live a life of Integrity and Compassion (especially with themselves! ;) ), basically won't give two shits about other people's opinions of them....AND (here is the kicker), while there may be an initial awkwardness around certain revelations about themselves (IE: you have Herpes), if you are confident in yourself and your condition, people will eventually 1) see that Herpes doesn't ruin your life or change who you are and 2) Many will approach you and start to discuss the condition with you and you can then be an educator in your community. Take it from me ... this is exactly where I am right now. I live in a smallish city - 15,000 people, which may seem like a lot but I have learned (the hard way, more than once in separate experiences, btw) that it's much smaller than it seems. While I have had one backlash (something that affected my daughter via an unforseen connection) the general reaction to my coming out has been very, very positive.

 

So lets put another scenario out there. You are in a bar and that scene plays - a vindictive Ex comes in and starts telling all the girls that you have Herpes. We are in a movie/fantasy here so play with me here. You (or Kevin Hart) stands up and announces (calmly) to the whole bar .. "Yeah, I have Herpes, What of it? At least I'm honest about it. I don't hide it from partners, and I am controlling it with medication. And unlike 80% of you here, I KNOW I have it. Have YOU been tested? Because one in five of you will have Genital Herpes and four out of five will have Oral Herpes. And you won't necessarily be able to see it on the person... Yeah - that's right. There's this thing called Asymptomatic Shedding... a person can be shedding unknowingly at any time. Do you like Oral Sex? If so, do you know that the common Cold Sore is HSV1 and it can be transferred to the genitals via Oral Sex? Yup, that's right too folks. So... yes, I have Herpes because someone was not honest with me about their status.... but it could have been avoided with medication, education, and better communication. And to be honest, most of you have probably not been tested for Herpes.... so while you may *think* you are ok, a large portion of you are unknowingly putting your partners as risk because many people never have an outbreak and never know that they have it. So yes, I have Herpes. What of it? " End Scene....

 

You see, if you live your life in fear of other peoples opinions and ignorance, you will always live small. The relevance to Herpes is that if you live your life that this is going to ruin every chance you have of finding love, you won't find love because you will unwittingly pass that fear and self-stigmatizing on to anyone who you disclose to, and odds are you will frighten them off. If you approach every job opportunity with the inner dialog that if they found out about your status, they wouldn't hire you, odds are you will not get hired because they will sense your lack of confidence in yourself. Same with any "flaw" that you have btw... this is soooo much larger than just Herpes when it comes to who you are to yourself and how you are therefor perceived in your community.

 

I know it can be hard in a small town to be "different" in any way, shape, or form. I was raised in an incredibly ignorant, red-neck area of Florida and I was different because I relished education and schooling and most of them were going to be happy to barely graduate. But I didn't care. I took Summer School classes so I could graduate a year early. That was the only option for that scenario for me - to graduate ASAP and move on. So I did it. Now, I live in a small city, I am 100% out. Yes, I had one bad experience that has affected my relationship with my daughter but, HER reaction (which was not exactly compassionate to my situation) just drives me even more to change the stigma. I didn't raise her to react the way she did... she knows better (and is usually very compassionate to those with differences/difficulties) but I'm her mother and it struck too close to home for her. One thing, I will never, EVER allow another person's ugliness to run my life ever again. I get that it's about them and not about me. AND I get that the only way to change things is to be a stand for people to have open, honest, adult conversations and dialogs about the difficult things in their lives.

 

I get you may not be there yet - but maybe, just maybe, YOU are going to be the person who changes the small minded thinking of the people in your town. If not, at least know that Herpes doesn't define you, and that you WILL find love and respect.... but you have to love and respect yourself FIRST.

 

Peace my friend.... ;)

[lelani]

Hi unlucky....I can't really add much to the wise words on here.

 

Just want you to know I understand feeling anxious about living in a small town...I had the difficulty of being known by the whole country and worrying about the impact on my kids (all adults now).

 

What I have learned is that EVERY town/city is a small town - you socialise closely with small groups of people in cities or towns - and word can get around in every group.

 

Whatever fears you have about disclosing are mirrored back at you no matter where you are. Saying you can't disclose in a small town says everything about your own fear and lack of self than what other people actually say. I know and I have been there.

 

Now I can disclose to anyone if the moment is right, meaning if it is beneficial to the conversation. I have worked through the fear and do not feel diminished by having HSV2 and HPV. It's a good place to be and it has helped other people which is awesome.

 

If you don't talk about it you and other people are going to continue to feel like you do, afraid and isolated. But if you stand tall and talk about it with compassion, for yourself and the person you disclose to ( yes they need compassion too...it can challenge their ignorance and fear just as much as it has our own) you will be surprised by the amazing moments you can have with people. My best connections have been made in disclosing about my STI status - to both boyfriends, family, friends and workmates.

 

I was cheated on when I got HPV from my husband. I left him...then I forgave him...then he cheated again years later...I left again for good. It was the lying I detested.

 

Don't loose your integrity or sabotage your character by lying by not disclosing (or she will stay and struggle with trusting you). Believe me...a good woman who has good sense will leave you if you lie about it...if she contracts it from you that way your life will be way worse than it feels now.

 

It's not easy being honest about it but the alternative isn't either.