Ashamed, full of guilt.

[JohnB]

Hi, Im new to herpes and am so afraid. I am 23 and a father of a beautiful 2 year old girl. My herpes story is overwhelming to me. Me and my girlfriend have been going out for 4 years, it hasnt been an easy 4 years as we've had times of breaking up, but nevertheless she is the mother of my child so we've stuck it out. Well we broke up for what I presume to be final and it is devastating to me. We broke up in November and quit romantically hanging out in december. Well after being so frustrated with it, I went out with one of my buddies drinking. I ran into this girl I used to know, ended up taking her home and had sex. The next day i woke up Mentally sick to my stomach. I felt like I cheated on my ex and cheated on my sweet little girl. That very next day I started to feel a pain on the head of my penis and what appears to be an irritation. It was a sunday so the next day I went in to the clinic freaked out and the physician labeled it as "rough sex". So that made me feel better. However, 3 days later as I was working I started to feel an intense burn on my scrotum. When I got home and laid in bed it became worse, I probably got about 10 minutes of sleep that night. Im periodically checking myself for marks or bumps all day long. It seemed as though that initial irritation looks like bumps and its starting to migrate across my penis head. The next few days it only got worse, the burning started to go into my thighs, groin, and back. Once again I went in to the clinic, already in fear of herpes. I explained my symptoms and the dr once again said that doesn't sound like herpes at all. Anyways, I was tested again, unknowing that my results wouldnt be accurate 10 days after an encounter. I continued struggling through going on with this pain. I waited another week, and testicular pain started to develop as well. I'm not really sure what that is from since I understand that herpes doesnt cause testicular pain. I got in to see another dr, She also said all this burning does not sound like herpes, I also forgot to mention at this point I do not have any bumps or ulcers and it doesnt hurt to urinate and there is no discharge, but the pain is unbearable. She checked out my prostate and I had a ct scan and an ultrasound revealing no abnormalities. She basically blew all the pain off on anxiety. I once again waited a week and I once again couldnt take the constant burning. I was at a professional convention and had to sit 6 hours with burning pain in my genital region, and also tingling up my back neck, chest, face, lips, forehead and back right side of my head. Also when the burning would subside i would have ithciness, somedays it would burn and some days it would itch. So I made another appointment with the second dr, she referred me to a urologist. I then got a canker sore (I think) on the inside of my lower lip from all the stress. I finally got in with a urologist after a couple weeks, they ran prostate infection tests, and prescribed me doxycycline, naproxen, tamuslosin, to clear up any bacterial infection if there was one. That of course didnt decrease any pain. So About a half of a week goes by and I go see another doctor, she didnt think it sounded like herpes either, however im online 5 hours a day researching all this, at this point i'm positive I have herpes. She noticed the redness on the head of the penis as well, and thinks it could be balanitis. Im like come on balanitis with all this extra pain, all of the doctors so far seem so uneducated about herpes its insane. But I take the cortisone 1% cream anyway, I put it on and it seemed to make it worse. Not sure if its in my head though cause ive read that it does make it worse before i tried it. So here is where I sit now, it has been 7 weeks since the encounter. Ive still got the pain, Ive also contacted the girl at about 3 weeks and she went in and got the herpes select IGG Hsv2 done and it came back negative. She told me the last person she had sex with was 8 mo prior, she could be lying though. I understand the herpeselect igg is pretty accurate? Shes also said that shes never had symptoms. But I understand that is common to not have symptoms. I am an educated guy with a good job, It is driving me crazy and I think that the anxiety and stress is only making it worse. I feel like a terrible terrible person for all of this. In my heart I know I am a good hearted person and sometimes good people make bad choices. As of today I do not have a positive herpes test result. I am going in to planned parenthood in a couple days and getting tested as long as they have reliable testing. Any help would be great.

[OutOfWit]

Hi john. Just curious did they test you for HsV 1 & 2. Herpes 1 is usually not tested for but it can be a cause in the genital area.

[JohnB]

Yeah they tested me for both initially about 10 days after but because it was such a short time after the encounter and initially feeling the symptoms i'm not sure if my antibodies would be built up by then.

[JohnB]

I'm sure I sound crazy and it probably upsets people who are already properly diagnosed. I'm just so sure I have it and Im scared to move forward.

[HerryTheHerp]

Hi John,

 

You're not crazy but you're driving yourself over to the station to get on the crazy train. Stop.

 

It doesn't sound like herpes. First, symptoms wouldn't begin that quickly. Could it be? Yeah, it could be but the only way to confirm would be a blood test at this point. You're far enough past exposure to get a pretty accurate result.

 

Now, if you do have it, that doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a person. People get sick. People get diseases. People are not bad because they had sex. Well, ok, if you have sex with a priest in a confessional while the rest of the congregation is listening to the nuns sing, you might be borderline. But, you didn't do that. You met a girl. You were attracted to each other. You had sex. End of story.

 

Also, she's had a negative test. That's a good sign. But, like Jackie said it could be HSV1 (if it is herpes) and she may not have been tested for that. Bottom line: Get tested.

 

Further, do a full STD test. Syphillis, Gonorrhea, HIV, all of 'em. Rule them all out. You didn't say if you used a johnny hat or not? If you did, you've got very little to worry about, even if you got an unprotected BJ as that's a very inefficient way to transfer almost all other STD's (except HSV1).

 

Finally, stop beating yourself up. It's hard. I got mine from a brief fling and it still eats at me a little bit. But, it's life. It's not good, it's not bad, it just is. Learn from it as you go and make sure that you guard that good heart zealously as the world needs far more good hearted people in it.

 

 

[JohnB]

I was really stupid and didnt wear a condom the whole time, I had one and I was dumb enough not to wear it the whole time.. Alcohol influences the mind terribly. She also tested for gonorrhea, syphillis, Chlamidya and hiv, all came back negative. I plan to do all of those once more again. I did get an unprotected BJ. And with the tingling of the lips, and the canker sore (maybe it was a herpes sore not sure the difference) I was thinking that it could be HSV1. I was also curious what people know of Post Herpetic Nueralgia? If thats where all this pain could be from? As I understand when people have Breakouts isnt the burning and tingling usually isolated to the area where the sores are about to appear?

[JohnB]

Also the lowerback pain is like right in the center at my waistband. Sometimes it is burning and sometimes it is just pain.

[WCSDancer2010]

HI JohnB and Welcome!

 

But I take the cortisone 1% cream anyway, I put it on and it seemed to make it worse.

 

Hmm - cortisone is the one thing you shouldn't use with Herpes.... it lowers the immune response so it *could* make it worse...but there are other things (bacterial/fungal/viral) that it would be that would also get worse with cortisone.

 

Planned Parenthood is probably your best bet... if it's an STD they are the most experienced professionals in that area ... and likely they will have a good idea of what other things it might be. Herry is right - get the full spectrum of tests.... and Jackie is right about the HSV1 ... if your fling didn't get tested for that it's entirely possible she's carrying that one unknowingly.

 

As for your feelings of guilt. You were broken up...so why feel that you cheated on your ex??? And certainly your daughter has nothing to do with this. I'm guessing you take a lot of responsibility for everyone's happiness ... and that you place yourself to a higher standard and expect a lot out of yourself. Well, as Herry said... you are just a person. Period. Not bad. Not dirty. Or as I say to people... "You are just a human being, being human." Lighten up on yourself my friend. Your daughter needs her Daddy to be happy and not carrying this burden...she will feel it and she may blame herself for your unhappiness. You owe it to her to process this, move through it, forgive yourself (VERY important) and move on...whatever the diagnosis is.

 

We're here for you my friend. Vent away for now... but I hope you will read everything you can on here and realize that there IS life even after a "big mistake".

 

(((HUGS)))

[JohnB]

Thanks for your words of encouragement. You're so right. Me and the ex are in a hard place, I dont want to take my daughter from her and I dont want to take myself from my daughter. I lived through the custody battle as a child and i dont want to do that to her. I feel like I cheated on her whole family, theyve all been so nice to me and have given me a home that ive never had. I know I need to move forward, the guilt is overwhelming, along with the pain im going through down there. Ive been having the pain and burning for 7 weeks constantly now so it is taking its toll on me that is for sure. Thank you for your support once again. I wish I could have this support in person!

[WCSDancer2010]

Briefly to answer your questions:

 

Canker sores are on the inside of the lip - herpes is usually on the area where the skin meets the lip or on the chin.

 

Tingling certainly sounds like Herpes (I'm having my first OB on my lip in FOREVER...brought on by personal crap in my life :( ) . I'm confused with the sensations on your back neck, chest, face, lips, forehead and back right side of your head..... the pain usually stays right in the area of the nerves associated with the genitals or the face/mouth (depending on where you got it). Have you had Chicken Pox? Almost sounds like Shingles...which could have been brought on by the stress of your guilt.

 

I hope that PP can help you out.. if not next step may be an Infectious Diseases doctor. Something is definitely awry if you are having that many symptoms...

[WCSDancer2010]

John - you don't have to remove her from her mother or yourself from her. My ex and I agreed to separate after 20 years with 2 daughters... we always got the whole family together for all birthdays, Christmas, and Thanksgiving...as well as in between every once in awhile for lunch/dinner/whatever. You can BE a family for her even though you are separated.

 

AND, my oldest daughter now has a 3 yr old with a man who ended up becoming addicted to Percocet...she eventually left him ... he's since gotten treatment and is doing well and they created their own joint-custody agreement and we ALL (me, my ex, her sister, her ex, and her ex's parents) got together to celebrate her daughter's 3rd birthday at Chuck-E-Cheese. The little girl has NO idea that this isn't normal and we all work to create a loving family for her. And she is an incredibly happy, bright, well adjusted child ;)

 

Its up to YOU to create the family for your child... it CAN be done...even living in separate homes.

[JohnB]

yeah the head, face, lips, chest, forehead stuff I think was all brought on by anxiety. I think if i had shingles could it possibly be right on my penis head? I did have chicken pox when I was a kid. So maybe thats what Im going through, I dont know. The only redness I have is on those bumps. So its a little confusing.

 

Thank you so much for replying. Youre having one right now and youre still so optimistic and kind about it. Its comforting feeling your compassion.

 

Ive told my friend and he acts like im crazy and that all of it is just brought on by anxiety, I doubt anxiety can cause bumps which ive never had before. Could I have had this before and the anxiety just brought it all up? or does it seem like an initial infection. I was monogamous with my gr for 4 years and she had our baby so I would think that she would have experienced an outbreak with all the hormones motherhood has.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Yes - it's VERY possible you have had it and it just came out, but your negative result points to either a recent infection or something totally different....

 

if you DID carry it , it doesn't mean your ex-GF would definitely get it either ... Herpes is a slippery devil and doesn't play by hard and fast "rules" :(

[WCSDancer2010]

Just posted this today... I think you could use it :)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2894/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself

[JohnB]

Yeah no kidding, Yes I get so worked up in all this that I forget that I actually had negative results already. Im trying to wrap my head all around it so its difficult to keep it straight sometimes.

 

Also when I wake up in the morning and dont move I have no symptoms whatsoever. Then when i get up or wiggle around is when I usually start feeling it. is that usually the case?

 

That is what I want for my daughter to have that functionality even if we are apart. Thats very important to me. Its going to be tough with how the ex is though, and its hard to set up concrete custody being I work long hours on the road during the summer months. Hopefully we can work something out.

[JohnB]

I did read your post too, it definitely has me thinking about who i need to become as a person. What drives you to be so informative, compassionate, and understanding of everyone else? What inspires you to post on here so much and give such great advice each and every day? You seem to have such an understanding of life, Its honestly inspiring. You are a rare breed, there needs to be more people like you in this world. Thanks for all your help,

[WCSDancer2010]

What drives me???

 

A deep desire to rid the world of the stigma of Herpes.

 

I acquired H in the 70's when it was barely acknowledged as an STD and certainly didn't have the stigma it does now. In part, it was probably because we didn't know about asymptomatic shedding, in part, because because in the 80's the drug companies came up with a drug to help with the symptoms but no-one was willing to pay for it.... possibly worsened by the rampant fear that went through the country when HIV came on the scene.

 

It wasn't until I was post-divorce (having passed it to my ex-husband because I didn't know what the "rash" was... but he just accepted it as one of those things that happens so there was no anguish over it) that I learned of Asymptomatic shedding...and got freaked out. Like most here, I wondered who would love me. It was like I had been diagnosed all over again. And the realization that this stigma was associated with it was quite a shock.

 

I was fortunate to have 2 three year relationships with H- men ... one didn't care and the other got over it after a 1 month freak out because I disclosed after our first (with condom) intimate encounter. THAT I think was when I realized just how bad the stigma was.

 

After that ended, well, I've been alone for 3+ years - only just started dating again... and ran into more stigma than ever. After 3 "bad" experiences I'd had enough. I'm a VERY transparent person... perhaps too transparent... but I don't have any shame about my status. I got H2 at my first sexual experience... just a teen looking for love in all the wrong places. No different than many young women.

 

I've done a ton of personal growth work for the last 10 years and I realized that if anything was going to change, someone had to step up and start the ball rolling. I personally don't care what others think of me...I try to live my life in integrity and compassion. If anyone wants to be ugly to me because I carry a very common virus, well, that tells me I don't need them in my life. Period. H is a great filter that way ;)

 

I am becoming more and more convinced that, in many ways, we, the Herpes carriers, have aided and abetted the growth of the stigma by not stepping up, by not coming out and demanding the studies, the support, and the testing that is needed to get this thing under control. If H was the Flu the CDC would be in panic mode...this is an epidemic and they keep sweeping it under the carpet.

 

So - what drives me??? People like you, coming on here, buying into the belief that your life is over, that you are dirty, that you will be shunned if people find out that you carry a virus that essentially just causes an nasty skin condition that hangs in a really inconvenient place. I've had friends die in car accidents in their 30's and watched their family suffer through that. I know people who are struggling with Cancer. I see inspiring documentaries of people with outrageous handicaps who do amazing thing and who have beautiful love stories in spite of things that they could believe would make them unlovable. I'm damned if I am going to stand by and see people continue to suffer the emotional baggage that comes more from the stigma than the actual virus. And don't get me started on the massive number of idiotic doctors out there who are soooo behind on their info... or whose attitude to the newly diagnosed is flippant and heartless.

 

And - maybe, just maybe, someone will be inspired to take a stand when they hear someone who is mis-informed and correct them, educate them, and help to chip away at the stigma.... my motto is "One Step. One Person. One Conversation at a Time".

 

Peace Out :)

[JohnB]

I hear you dancer, you're an inspiration to us all. It's been a 7 and a half weeks since my encounter, almost a full 7 weeks of constant pain and generalized burning. Thursday I have an appointment to go to planned parenthood, hopefully I will get my answers by the beginning of next week.

[JohnB]

Wow I feel so sick, I just cant get through this guilt. Me and the ex were rocky, but with all this pain i seem to see so much clearer. She genuinely cared about me, she loved me and was trying to save me from being the a hole that I am. I should have listened to her and spent more time with her instead of going out with my friends all the time and leaving her alone with our daughter. this is all just too much to handle. She's being so kind and concerned with my depression and its making the guilt worse. I go over to her house and her family is all just so nice to me now. I wish it couldve been that way before. (she lives with her parents). She is a good person and this is undoubtedly the worst mistake of my life. I feel so upset, we couldve had that white picket fence, grilling on sundays kids playing in the yard thing. And me being my selfish me i went and messed it up. Its bad, I felt bad the next morning before I thought i couldve contracted anything. Im going to struggle with this for my entire life, as her knight comes in and rescues her i'm going to be destroyed knowing that couldve been me. As I see my daughter being in another family that was once mine is just too much. I need help. In my heart I am a good person, but ive always put myself first. I hope i can be forgiven of this. I cant get over why I would do this to myself, I didnt even want it when it was happening, I just thought it was cool hooking up with this girl, kinda showing off to my buddies. Now this. I ruined countless lives

 

[WCSDancer2010]

So JohnB.... here's the deal...

 

You are Human.

 

You screwed up.

 

You took a risk. You lost the crap shoot.

 

You made a mess. Time to clean it up.

 

You see, Herpes usually brings us a message. For some, it's that you are looking in love in all the wrong places. For some, it's to help you to realize who the REAL people are in your life. For some, it's to slow you down in how fast you move in a new relationship. Or maybe to take better care of your health. To reduce stress levels. To eat better.

 

In your case, the message seems to be that it's time to grow up. Time to man up and do what you need to do. And that is to be the best father you can to your child. Period.

 

It's not too late.

 

You were a human being, being HUMAN. We ALL have screwed up at some time or other in our lives...believe me. You HAVE to get that into your head. You have to find a way to forgive yourself for being human...for looking for an escape from the pain of the mess with your ex. You got caught up in the "peer pressure" to "be the man". It happens EVERY day to more people than you will ever know.

 

So... time to forgive yourself for being just like the rest of us. Shoulda, woulda, coulda isn't going to help anything now. The past is in the past. Learn from it, grow from it, and move on.

 

And you know what? Whatever happens with your ex, you can still have those BBQ's with your child, family gatherings, etc. My ex and I get together with our daughters all the time. Even when I had a BF (twice), the BF was welcomed into OUR FAMILY. Our family existed FIRST.... any BF I ever have will have to understand that or we won't last long. And you know what, we have 2 really well adjusted young ladies. My oldest has a 3 yr old...her ex-BF made many mistakes....abusing Percocet and, like you, doing things that were self centered and were not conducive to creating a healthy relationship. She finally walked last summer....he was scared he would not be able to see his daughter. But my daughter had learned how to create a healthy "family" in spite of them being separated from us....we just celebrated my granddaughters birthday... with me, my ex, my daughter, her ex, his parents, and my other daughter. One.Big.Happy.FAMILY.

 

Your first obligation is to your CHILD. Sit down and talk to your ex and see what you can create as a family. There isn't any "right" way to do it. The two of you get to design what works for you. You can request that no matter where she ends up, that you and she will be a family FIRST.... she sounds like a reasonable and loving woman... I'm guessing she will be relieved to know your daughter will not be affected by your not being together...

 

And who knows what will happen? If you go into this with NO EXPECTATIONS as far as your ex is concerned, you won't be disappointed with where it ends up... but I'm willing to bet that no matter what happens, you will have some form of a relationship with her that far exceeds anything you can see right now ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Amillionthings]

Hey JonB...

 

I read your post and felt compelled to write...as I can see you're really going through a tough and difficult time. And youre mind is driving you nuts and guilt etc etc

 

so i want you to know im reading it and although i cant offer you advice...i dont know you...its not my place to...i can perhaps offer you an outside perspective...

 

So from what i can read...you havent even had herpes results back yet...so stop worrying now...they could be negative. If it comes back positive then you can deal with it then.

 

Question? Are you so upset because you are back with/ want to get back with your ex? Or are you just friends?

 

Youre 23...a young guy...you split up with a girlfriend...you were single...you had sex with someone...you havent cheated...but you feel like you do because you care about your ex...the fact shes nice makes you feel shitty and guilty....but you didnt actually cheat. You had sex because you wanted/needed sex...its natural...and it certainly doesnt have to mean it meant anything with this girl...its just human nature.

 

Your guilt shows that you care deeply for the mother of your child....and thats natural you were togetjer 4 years and have a child.

 

You havent cheated on your little girl. Youre a dad but also a man who has needs...that has no bearing on how good of a father you are....i have male friends who cheated on their g'fs....two of them are now engaged to these girlfriends....they never told their girlfriends....now in book thats wrong.... you were single...big difference. You say you felt like you cheated on your ex....

 

Now if you are looking at getting back together....the guilt will clearly be too much for you to bare....so you have 2 options....dont tell her...or tell her. Remember you werent on a relationship when this happened. You need to know if youre even getting back together before that surely? If not youre letting guilt eat you up for no reason?

 

I was seeing someone...we were sleeping together he said everything to let me know he was into me and explained how and why he and his ex werent together..i never asked..he told me...not in love with her anymore...mundane r'ship....no sex....tc etc...however he was selfish and kept his options open...id see he was meeting up with her here and there....a ticket to something theyd booked...a holiday....i was patient and he ALWAYS re-assured me he knew in his heart he loved her but only as a friend. Now weeks passed and because he wasnt sure id be sticking around...he went back to her...the safe option. My point is...does she know about me?? No. Will he tell her? No. Did he feel the incredible guilt youre feeling?? No way. But as hes back with her...i believe she should know...but she probably never will because he will always put himself and his needs first. I always used to tell him he wasnt treating her nicely etc...the idiot i am....im the one whos incredibly hurt...hes the one not lonely....and she none the wiser. Point him...me and him werent just a fuck or a drunken one night stand...there were emotions involved....sounds like there isnt with the girl u slept with (i could be wrong) that makes a difference...it really was just some sex...you hadnt promised this girl a relationship etc had you.

 

You however have a conscience. And you put her as a priorty in your life....And i dont think you sound like you can carry on with her not knowing....but you may be able to...thats your choice. All depends on whether youre getting back with your ex or not.

 

And the herpes...like i said ...you dont even know yet. And u wont til you get your results. One thing at a tkme Jonb

 

x

[JohnB]

WCS Dancer, Once again thanks. Your words help me feel better and give me optimism. My daughter is my life and all I want is to be a good role model for her, and I feel i have failed her in that aspect as of currently, I know I can do better. Another concern I have is I want to live close to my ex, but where I live is pretty rural. Being so rural it makes me nervous that I wont find someone accepting of it, or someone with it, or someone who is willing to move to my neck of the woods. I guess time will tell on that one. My ex isn't real willing to let me take my daughter places really so i usually go over to her house to spend time with her. It hurts to see her family and know ive done an injustice to them, and now when I go see my daughter I hang out with them and they can tell I have been down lately so it seems like they are being extra nice, which makes it even worse. We'll see, its something I have to go through with time. She cheated on me when we first started dating, but I have forgiven her, although she didnt catch herpes, I think some of my resentment to that incident led me to finally retaliate. Idk.

 

Amillionthings: I appreciate your reply as well, Ive read some of your posts and see that Youre struggling as well so it really means alot that youre taking the time to impart wisdom upon me. No I dont have the results back yet, but I'm so convinced it is, I do need to relax and wait until it becomes official so we will see. I am upset because I do want to get back with my ex and be the man I shouldve been the entire time, I knew that the very next day, after the incident, before the symptoms. I realized life isnt about chasing money and women. Its about family, Ive always put my work first and it has taken its toll on my family. I dont want to be that guy. Ive come to realize that she is the only true friend I have, the one who is always there for me. All the little things we fought about are childs play now. If i contracted this I will have to find someone else who is compatible and then we'll also have those things, its a part of a relationship. Just kind of realized the meaning of life and love, A DAY LATE.

 

There were zero emotions involved with her, like I said I dont even like her in the least bit. And now she thinks im crazy for asking her all these questions when I have this going on. She went and got tested, It was negative, 3 weeks after we hooked up. (Herpeselect IGG test performed.) claims she hasnt had sex in 8 mo, no symptoms. So I would think she would have sufficient antibodies to this by now. I feel like if I come out of this without anything I dont think she has to know, but if I do have it. We're close enough Idk how i would get out of it without her knowing.

 

Thanks for the support. It keeps my head up having people to talk to and hear me about this. I wish I had the wisdom and ability to give such good advice to others as you folks have given me.

[WCSDancer2010]

I realized life isnt about chasing money and women. Its about family, Ive always put my work first and it has taken its toll on my family. I dont want to be that guy. Ive come to realize that she is the only true friend I have, the one who is always there for me.

 

Have you TOLD her that? I think that it would go a looong way for her to hear that...not that you will get back together, but for her to hear that you have had a life experience that woke you up. You don't have to tell her what it was at this point....but to let her hear that you have had a HUGE wake-up call and heard it may go a long way towards her willingness to let you take up the role as father to your daughter and perhaps let you take her places on your own. She still sees the person you WERE, not who you have become... it may take time for her to believe it..so be patient. But that talk may be a good starting point.

 

My daughter is my life and all I want is to be a good role model for her, and I feel i have failed her in that aspect as of currently, I know I can do better.

 

So again, you made a mistake...as she likely will when she grows up and you can't protect her any more. Your role right now is to show her that it's more about what you learn from your mistakes than the fact that you made them. And at some time, perhaps, to tell her your story (in an appropriate way) so that she understands that even her Daddy can make mistakes, and it's OK.... that it's more about learning from the mistake.

 

She cheated on me when we first started dating, but I have forgiven her, although she didnt catch herpes, I think some of my resentment to that incident led me to finally retaliate.

 

Then you had not let it go...whatever happens in the future, this has to be left in the past...both her part and yours, or it will continue to re-surface and get between you. It may have to be discussed ONCE if you look like you are getting back together, but you have to accept total responsibility for your action and not put it on her for her mistake. You can only clean up your part and you can't keep bringing up the past if you want to clean the slate and live in the NOW.

 

One question... were you tested for Herpes before you got together with your Ex? Because if the "fling" is H-, then it's entirely possible that you either 1) got it from your ex (either pre or post her fling) OR you have had it all along ... and that you have been carrying it all this time. The irritation from the rubbing during sex, combined with the stress, may have set things off. It's worth considering both because it changes your "story" AND it means your ex needs to get tested.

 

(((HUGS)))

[Amillionthings]

 

 

Hey JonB

 

Oh dear youve read my posts ....

 

sorry they're v depressing so I hope they havent made you feel worse...just remember i know i have herpes and we're all different...ive just taken it badly...alot of peolle don't! I've been having a shitty few months too so that adds to it all.

 

......but hey ho....we gotta get it all out there and this forum is all about non-judgement and support. You have mine :) ...and i like how you say...i have wisdom...makes me feel special.. haha....;)

 

So, dya know what...everything you wrote right there is exactly what you could say to your ex..if you do decide you want to try for a relationship with her...you pretty much explained it all. So you know how you feel and how you have come to a realisation that has woken you up to what you want and who you want to be. youre still that person jonb.....you always were....but now youre striving to be that person :)

 

you say ....

 

'I just kind of realised the meaning of life and love. A day late'....

 

just an outside perspective...but....without that experience, the sex with the girl...you wouldn't have come to your realisation...or it may have been years down the line until you did....so just a small silver lining here....as much as its a regret you now have...and you feel guilt etc, but if you didnt do it....you wouldnt have this realisation of the meaning of your life and love...now thats a pretty big and great realisation to have....some people spend their whole lives trying to find their meaning, purpose. hope my wording makes sense? :/

 

Youre daughter is your life...and so as a Dad as long as you act accordingly to that statement....you havent failed her at all :) ...you said you know you can do better...and whatever that 'better' is youre going to do it for the rest of your life...i have no doubt...so go easy on yourself :)

 

So she cheated on you. You forgave because you loved her. You slept with one person and you werent in a relationship with her....this may hurt her if she still has feelings for you...but im sure she will understand if she wants to work at your relationship and sees a future together. And she could well have got herpes when she cheated....who knows...anyone can get it. and you have it....how do you know you will definitely have to find someone else?

 

When i feel shitty about someone when it hasnt worked out

...i keep thought of something a friend said to me 'if it was the right person, it would have worked out'...it helps me to put things into perspective......BUT it may work out!! :)

 

keep us updated on how youre doing. Ill check back :)

 

 

 

[Amillionthings]

And all of what dancer said...so much better than my words haha! Shes a pro :) x