Should I still be paying for my mistake?

[alex08]

Hi I've just had my membership accepted but I spent last night reading through similar posts so I know I can get some good honest advice here.

I got herpes when I was 17 and stupidly slept with a couple of people without disclosing, including my now boyfriend. I lied and even denied but finally came clean and he forgave me. 7 years later he still brings it up. I love him and I want to marry him, and I really do know he loves me too. But recently he said he feels trapped, that if he does have it (and he's never had any symptoms) he feels if we ever broke up he would never date again. And he feels that because of this I should be 'making it up to him more' in bed.

My question is has anyone experienced this? Is he right? Should I be still trying to make up for a mistake he forgave me for 7 years ago? I feel really selfish but at the same time I don't want to feel like I'm less worthy in our relationship.

I should stress that we have a great relationship apart from this and I had to drag this out of him when I noticed he wasn't happy.

Thoughts please??

[Amillionthings]

Hi Alex08

 

I know others will write here with great wisdom and advice...

 

i dont have experience in this...i have very little relationship experience...but ill add my thoughts

 

no he isnt right. No you should not still be paying for a choice you made 7 years ago. You are not selfish..not one bit. Hes made you feel that way.

 

From this...i am reading about a man who is controlling and manipulative.

 

If you give in to his manipulation and control...which is, in my opinion....incredibly cruel both emotionally and sexually...in the end ...it will impact upon your self worth. And not in a good way.

 

you love him. You want to marry him.....why is a man you love and want to marry even considering what lufe would be like if he was single and had to date? ....have a think....a man in love...who wants to marry the woman hes with...would he do and say all of this...would he feel 'trapped'? Would information about your relationship have to be 'dragged' out of him.

 

Feeling for you here..reading this.

 

Try and read it and ask yourself what would i think or aay to a good friend if this was their situation?

 

x

 

 

 

 

[whymegirl]

I agree with @amillionthings

He needs to forgive and forget.. or at least not hold it against you and make you feel bad for the rest of your life.

[WCSDancer2010]

@alex

 

I'm heading out the door but I couldn't not give a quick reply here...

 

And he feels that because of this I should be 'making it up to him more' in bed.

 

BIG RED FLAG my friend!

 

My short answer for now is to see if you can get some couples counseling (either at the church you would get married at or couples counselor...) and don't, whatever you do, marry this guy until he changes his attitude around this.

 

I have more to say..will come back later...but I just had to get that out there...

 

(((HUGS)))

[Amillionthings]

Definitely a big red flag!! X

[abc123]

Holding this over your head is a nightmare for you. I can't imagine doing this for 7 years. He doesn't understand that it it making it impossible for you to get over it, forgive yourself and move on. If I had someone reminding me of it over a period of 7 years, I think I would literally go insane. I feel so badly for you. I'm sure you tortured yourself about it enough. We all know how that feels. I think therapy might help. If he is feeling "trapped".... Then that is a red flag to let the person go. We will all be thinking of you and wishing you the best. Let us know how you're doing. Hugs for you. abc123

[Amillionthings]

Great words @abc. I didnt even look at it that way. Like having self torture and hurt over it...dealing with it...accepting it. Trying to forget it when you finally successfully disclose...then that same person brings it up...reminds you of it...makes you feel gulity...attempts to manipulate youbfor sexual favours because it....and for a whole 7 YEARS! Jesus. Enoughs enough! It may not be all the time over seven years..but one comment to make u feel guilty selfish etc over it...is enough to plant a seed...that can grow to make u feel like shit. Unworthy.

 

Big hug Alex x

[Amillionthings]

That if he does have it (and he's never had any symptoms) he feels if we ever broke up he would never date again. And he feels that because of this I should be 'making it up to him more' in bed.

 

not sure...but reading this...maybe reading into it too much? But...

 

Is part of his clever manipulation for you to 'make it up to him more' in bed....that he is planting a seed in your head....that if you ever broke up...it is you that has H...therefore you would never be able to date again...he is using himself in this sentence...but he is trying to infer to you...dating with H cant happen...therefore youd be alone....and BAM!...the scare tactic has worked...and you will obey his order....of making it up to him. How can hear have a fear of dating with H if he doeznt know if he has it....youd think in 7 years he might get tested!...

 

perhaps use this to counter his behaviour...'well if youre trapped...and u think u mite have H....you should get tested. If we broke up. Id still date. Not a problem...so i dont see how telling me i owe you more in bed is relevant.....id say ur using my H against me to scare me into thinking i wouldnt be able to meet anyone else. I dont owe you anything'' ....see how that goes down

 

thats just what i saw there. I have experience of manipulation..so i kind of spotted it.

 

 

[Sparklepony]

I'm assuming having herpes is something you are insecure about? If so, you're totally normal. I'm also assuming he knows this? It's a classic sign of preying on someone's weaknesses to control them. He might not actually even care about the herpes , or the risk of getting it himself but as long as you know how big of a "risk" he's taking or how much he's looked past being with you then you "owe" him. Anytime one person feels that they are indebted to the other then the relationship has reached an unhealthy point.

 

I know you love him, and I'm sure to some extent he loves you but sometimes that love isn't what's best for your well being. He might not even know he's manipulating you, but at the end of the day he is and that's not good for either one of you. You have obviously been giving this a lot of thought, you've looked to people who could be in your situation for advice. I agree with the counseling advice Dancer suggested. It might benefit you personally more than you know. Good luck to you.

[alex08]

Wow thanks so much for your replies. I wrote this hoping somebody would be on my side but now that I read how this seems to an outsider I feel a bit sick. I've been in a controlling and manipulative relationship before (the guy who gave me H actually) so I can totally see how this is coming across but I really don't feel that way. I certainly don't feel trapped, that is all him.

The thing is the 'making it up to him' that he wants isn't unreasonable, he just wants more sex, nothing weird or anything. I feel that if he hadn't brought up the H with it it would just be a normal conversation about our sex life. He did want anal and I tried a few times for him but didn't like it, he tried to bring up the H but I flat told him that was manipulative and he dropped it.

A lot of why he's still annoyed about it is because I have lied to him about other things since then too. I don't really know why, I have never cheated or anything but sometimes I go out and don't tell him. Last time I ended up falling asleep drunk at a friends house. I did tell him eventually and obviously he was very suspicious and it brought up those feelings of betrayal and being lied to. I mean I obviously need to work on that and I am trying.

I suppose I'm writing this to give his side a little bit. I was hoping someone would be on my side but now I feel bad for making him out to be so bad. I thoroughly do not expect anyone to be still reading this so thank you if you are lol! I totally take on board what you have all said though and I'm looking into free counselling services in our area as we speak :-)

[Sparklepony]

Honestly, I think both of you are just in an unhealthy place. No judging, blaming or accusing to either you or your boyfriend but if he's feeling trapped and you're feeling the need to hide things (again, no judgements. We have all been there) then chances are you guys aren't in a situation to form a healthy relationship. Don't automatically assume it's the herpes. It might just be the easiest thing to blame because underlying issues aren't always apparent. Definitely do the counseling, I can't speak enough at how it help. More for you personally, but as a couple it could be beneficial.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Alex...

 

Honey - you are exhibiting the classic signs of someone who is in a dysfunctional relationship... like @Sparklepony said, I'm not here to judge but generally when someone is in a co-dependent and or manipulative relationship, they find all kinds of excuses for the other person's bad behavior.

 

So again:

 

But recently he said he feels trapped, that if he does have it (and he's never had any symptoms) he feels if we ever broke up he would never date again. And he feels that because of this I should be 'making it up to him more' in bed.

 

1) he says he feels trapped - noone is forcing him to stay. This sounds manipulative to me.

2) It doesn't sound like he has been tested... as he EVER been tested? Are you on anti-virals? Have you discussed this stuff with him? Do you know for sure that he didn't have it when you first got together?

3) He says if he had it, he wouldn't date again if you broke up. RED FLAG - that puts YOU in charge of his happiness...assumes his life is ruined and thus you HAVE to stay with him. Guilt trips are manipulation, pure and simple.

4) Again, you have to "make it up to him in bed". Excuse my french, but are you f*cking KIDDING ME???? If he wants more sex, then ask for it... but don't try to guilt you into it because of the Herpes. Period. You don't OWE him anything...he could have walked long ago. He knows your status. He knows your faults. If he doesn't like it, well, guilting you into stay, into sex, whatever, is emotional abuse, pure and simple my friend. If you don't sort this out, it is very likely to continue and get worse. PLEASE, get counseling. You need someone to help you to stop this now... he may not understand what he is doing (Most people's behavior is learned from their parents in some way or other ... at least until they realize it and change it) so I hope he will be willing to get help with you.

 

 

Personally, I feel your lying to him (not knowing you at all) is that you are afraid of his reaction and/or you are rebelling at this controlling behavior. It sounds like a whole lotta trust needs to be built up here... again, counseling should help ... but I will tell you, I am about as transparent as it comes and I've been in relationships where I started to withhold info or didn't want to tell the truth and it's always when I start feeling that the other person is going to react "badly" (And that can mean many things).

 

The bottom line is - NO, you should not still be paying for your mistake. If he keeps holding that over your head you have to look at whether you are ok with that. IMO if you are, you are heading down a very dangerous path with regards to your self esteem and self worth...

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

 

[alex08]

Thank you so much everyone. I should have joined a site like this years ago. I've only ever told my boyfriend and my mum about this and I can't tell you how good it feels to open up to a whole community of people who know how I feel. Although, I suppose you do know how it feels lol!

I've cleared my head a little bit and re read all your comments. I was in a bad place when I started this discussion, at like 4 in the morning. (UK time).

I'm not usually an insecure person but when it comes to this I have been feeling really lonely and lost. Your input is so appreciated.

I think I might show it to my boyfriend. I've said stuff here I didn't even realise I was feeling and he should know. :-D