my boyfriend is afraid of getting herpes

[kcgal1986]

I just found out that I have herpes through testing, although I've never had an outbreak. I had the difficult discussion with my boyfriend that day, and he was very understanding. At the time we had only been together for less than a month. Now its three months and we still have not been very sexual except for a couple times. It's been a month since we've had any contact, so I decided to have a talk with him. I asked him if it was because he's afraid of getting it, and he said yes. He was very apologetic. He has yet to get tested himself, because he's afraid of the outcome. He promised he would go this week, and that I can go with him. He made the point that condoms aren't 100%, even though I've never had an outbreak. I uderstand his concern and don't want to give this to him. Aside from him getting tested, what can we do? It's so hurtful that my boyfriend is afraid of me. I've never felt so ... Disgusting. I don't know how to fix this.... I'm such .a sexual person and can't imagine not having it anymore. I'm so sad.

[jlq926]

Has he done any research? It is very unlikely for him to contract the disease from you. Talk to him about him doing research on his own if that will help. Also if you go with him to get tested talk to the doctor together. The doctor can help him understand. No there is no way to guarantee but the risk is very small if you never have outbreaks and if you use a condom. Some couples can be married for years and have children together and the woman never passes it to the man. Living in fear is no way to live. There are ways around it

[kcgal1986]

Yeah he said the more he reads the more he gets scared. I will hopefully get to go with him.

[mr_hopp]

Hey kcgal,

 

Welcome to the site. I'm sorry to hear that you're sad. And I'm glad you're reaching out about this. It's common for people to freak out about herpes out of ignorance. It seems like a pretty scary monster if all they know about it are those beautiful pictures from google images. And the vast majority of people who have had herpes know that those horror stories and horrible pictures don't accurately represent their experience of herpes ... not in the slightest.

 

Question: Were you using protection with him before you got your test results? If not, then he could have been the one to give you herpes. That's the thing in today's culture where we aren't getting test results before becoming intimate with someone. And that's the sneaky thing about herpes: There's not an easy way to find out who gave you herpes unless you've only been with one person.

 

And if you know for sure he doesn't have herpes, then if he's really actually scared after knowing that there is only a small possibility of getting herpes, then that's his prerogative. Unfortunately, we can't force people to want to take the chance with us. All we can do is be the best person we can be, give them the best and most accurate information and they make the choice themselves. If you two decide to go your separate ways, know that there are plenty of other fish in the sea. It's not the end of the world. And it's okay to be sad about that, too.

 

Much love, kcgal. You'll get through this — either way it goes — just fine. I promise.

[Kaande05]

I know what you are going thru. And I do understand his concerns. My ex and I were together 3.5 years and we had a baby together. Rarely used condoms and he never got it. It is possible to not pass it on!

[kcgal1986]

We had sex one time before I got tested. It is possible that he gave it to me, but its also possible I gave it to him. I'm afraid whether his results are negative or positive. Positive, I'm to blame. Negative, he may not want to risk it like you said. He hasn't left yet and doesn't seem like that's what's going th through his head. It's so hard to talk to him about this, and I can't talk to anyone else. He's so supportive, but I can't fathom dealing with him leaving me for this. I will be heartbroken and disappointed in myself. I can't see an end to this, if not him, ill have to go through telling another man, and possibly getting rejected again. I can't get this out of my head. I cant deal with being undesirable on this level. So many emotions. Sad, scared, anxious, disappointed, helpless, hopeless, alone. I know I'm not the only one, but why is it so terrible if so many people have it? Why is it such a big deal if such a large percentage of people have it? I don't understand why people with herpes are made to feel so undesirable. This is forever, I can't believe ill be treated like this for the rest of my life. So sad.

[mr_hopp]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold your horses now! I know the feeling of freaking out about this and let me tell you, this is not something to put so much power into. Whether you stay with this guy or tell another man, it's not the end of the world. Don't automatically assume that if you tell someone else you have herpes that you will be rejected. That sets up a pretty powerful self-fulfilling prophecy. Have you read the e-book yet? That will give you a good idea of the kind of positive perspective shift we're talking about here at the Herpes Opportunity. Here's the link to that: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

And yes, exactly. Herpes isn't horrible. So how do we change the stigma if not to learn to fully accept ourselves regardless of what we happen to have? This is your opportunity to get that you're perfectly lovable and acceptable as you are. Hear me? Perfectly. Totally. Whole. NOT undesirable. NOT alone.

 

And listen closely: Even though you are going through this right now, and it seems like the end of the world, don't assume that since herpes is for life that these feelings are for life. When you shift your relationship to your own beliefs about yourself and herpes, you shift your experience of your life, too. That's what the opportunity is all about. Pain and sadness isn't forever. It's only what you're experiencing right now. Trust me. Allow yourself to be sad if that's what's true for you. But don't beat yourself up. Don't punish yourself. Or else you'll have to answer to me. ;) Much love!

[Shannon (SingBlueSilver)]

kcgal1986, I felt the same way you did a few months back and some days, all the feelings still come back but believe me, it does get better. And you will find men who don't care. In fact, a surprising amount of men who don't care!! I felt very undesirable and not sexy and gross and all of that and I met someone who didn't think it was a big deal at all. Sure, some do. But I think you will be surprised once you finally talk to others. And as the days go on, you don't think about it every minute anymore. But one thing, if this guy is too scared and making you feel badly, then go find someone else. It sounds harsh now but seriously, there are many many men who simply don't think it's that big a deal and it really helps to feel normal again. I felt like you do, if it's not that big a deal then why do people make such a big deal of it? Because many are uninformed and like your boyfriend, very scared. Now that we have it, we have to face it and accept it. I'm quite a sexual person so I've been pretty hard hit but it has been getting easier very single day. You're going to get through this. Everyone here feels your pain. You are not alone.

[Kaande05]

Please please do not define your worth on whether or not this guy will stay with you! I have been there and it's honestly the worst thing you can do to yourself! It is going to prolong your recovery from the shock of it all if you are simply basing your worth and happiness on this guy. I am dealing with that right now, because I never accepted myself before I was with my ex. All these negative herpes emotions came back once we broke up even though Me having herpes played no part in the break up. Just accept yourself and love yourself and surround yourself with people that are more positive and not dragging you down by them being scared, and in turn making you feel self conscious!

[kcgal1986]

I'm not worrying about him breaking up with me for it. He also has a problem staying erect so we both have our own problem. I think once he understands that its not a big deal he will be fine. We just need a doctor to tell him that, so he has a professional opinion instead of just mine and google. I'm more worried about me wanting to leave him because of him just going without sex. He's very sweet to me and feels terrible about how I am feeling. Maybe we won't work out, I would just hate for it to be because of this.