I used to feel so strong

[Orngpeelmafia]

I didn't know where else to go...my friends are tired of hearing about it and I'm almost to the point of being tired of talking about it...but maybe some of you will be able to relate or something or maybe I'm just crazy and depressed. I'm just so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I miss my confidence and I miss loving myself...I miss feeling like I was worth something to someone.

 

Life isn't easy I get that...I've been through enough to understand that much. When I found out I had herpes I thought my life was over... And then I woke up one day and started putting everything back together and started working on me. I grew and changed and my dead end street suddenly wasn't a dead end anymore...life went on.

 

I met this guy and he became my best friend...and then I started to have feelings for him and him for me...I was so scared of rejection because of H but it was never an issue not once. That made it all the scarier because now...knowing full well my insecurities about myself that's all I had left. And I tried desperately to put my fears aside for him...to trust him. He had baggage (a lot of it) so I gave him every chance to leave and save our friendship. At every chance he stayed and every time he stayed another wall came down. When there were no more walls...when I had everything laid bare and trusted him fully...he left. My world stopped.

 

My best friend left me. He just dumped me....and even though I was hurting I knew I had to do what I've dome before and rebuild. But then he came back...

 

And for months now he's been back and forth between just wanting my friendship and actually wanting to be with me. Every time he pushes me away I hurt all over and now.....I just feel so lost. I can't walk away from my best friend...

 

But I feel so....I feel like I'm not worth it. I feel like I'm not good enough.

 

I really wish this all ended because of H because I could walk away from that unscathed....but this? I can't fight this I can't figure out how to pull out of this. I feel like I as a person am unlovable...my best friend can't even love me so who will? I don't think I love myself anymore...how can I when I've become this weak scared little girl who is just sitting around hoping that maybe today he misses me...

 

I'm sorry if this isn't the place to post this but you guys are all I have left...

[katie]

.

[HerryTheHerp]

Sheet, I'm gonna have to pull out the pep talk. Hang on, I'm gonna get a little coffee in me.

 

Alright, first, you're a rock star. Do you have any idea how much hope and encouragement you've given to people on this board? When they're down and about to pull their last strand from the rope, you're there cheering them on and retying the knot for them.

 

Why miss loving yourself? I get it. I've been there plenty of times over the years; long before H even came into the picture. But, you know what I do? I pull a Stewart Smiley every morning; that's right, I get buck ass naked, stand in front of the mirror and say "Gosh darnit, I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm handsome, and darn it, people just like me." The folks at the hairstylist have gotten used to me using their mirrors to do this by now and have stopped calling the police every time. I consider it progress and affirmation that I'm right.

 

We all have insecurities. I once dated a girl who wouldn't look at her vagina. I've known people who refuse to sleep without a night light. Others still have phobias, fears, and problems they refuse to face. But, you know what? That's all part of being human and H is just one aspect of our entire lives. It doesn't define you, and right now you're letting it pick apart at your ego a little bit. Knock it off.

 

As far as baggage, oh, man. I have no room to talk. I carried so much baggage over the years I could have gotten a job as a porter and I kept getting discount coupons from American Tourister. Then, one day I just set it down. Decided to stop carrying it. Know what? I feel great and life's journey has gotten a lot lighter. You need to tell your friend to do the same. It's not easy, but it's worth it. He needs to unpack the bags and fill it up with new memories you two create together.

 

You're hurting and you have every right to. Life's a scary place to go through alone, but you and I have had some great emails, so I know just how special a woman you are. You've got a huge heart, a great personality, and a sense of humor. If you have nothing else in life, invest in those three things and you'll be the wealthiest woman alive.

 

Now, I'm gonna say this, but if he's not missing you right now and hasn't realized that instead of sleeping alone he could be sleeping next to a beautiful, smart, sexy, kind, funny woman, well, his loss. Let him and Rosy Palmer reconcile that in the morning. It's not your concern and you're carrying it as baggage hoping he's missing you. Trust me, I did that with someone I cared about and all I got was 17 years of tears, a touch of arthritis, and a t-shirt that said "She's just not that into you."

 

K, I love you. We all love you. You're a light and an inspiration. Don't let this little storm blow that light out.

 

 

 

[VirusEnhanced]

I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said. I'll say this though... You are gorgeous! Inside and out you share and show kindness towards total strangers while dealing with your own issues in life. I am sorry your guy pal turned out to be something besides what you wanted... But I'm sure as you know by now that with H shows those around us who they are to us and we to them.

 

Who knows maybe he will come around figuring out what he wants from life and maybe not. Fear brings the worst in people no matter the subject fear is what has caused humanity to make so many mistakes.

 

 

Live long and prosper. You have love, even from complete strangers we as a community love you. In time you will find what you are looking for even if it takes time and effort.... If we all succeeded on the first try we would all have won the lottery by now.

[Orngpeelmafia]

Thanks guys :)

 

I can say this...I'm not afraid of H...it holds no power over me anymore and that's a cool feeling to have. I know I'll live with it the rest of my life but ya know it's really not that bad and I have no fear of finding someone who will look past it. But now it's this feeling of who will actually love me for me?

 

And @virus you'd think with our probability issues one of us would've hit the jackpot by now hahahaha oh I have such poor humor some days XD

 

I'm trying to rebuild and find the strength and confidence I worked so hard to gain...I know it's there I can feel it...everytime I get close to grabbing it I get pulled back in just to be pushed away again. Why do I let this happen to me? Maybe I need therapy...

[WCSDancer2010]

Awwww @OPM .. (btw, how did you come up with that name??? Inquiring minds would love to know :) )

 

But I feel so....I feel like I'm not worth it. I feel like I'm not good enough.

 

So you get it that this is nothing to do with H... and THAT is huge. But you have to understand, this is NOTHING to do with you and it's all about HIM and HIS BAGGAGE.

 

But I feel so....I feel like I'm not worth it. I feel like I'm not good enough. .....I feel like I as a person am unlovable...my best friend can't even love me so who will? I don't think I love myself anymore...how can I when I've become this weak scared little girl who is just sitting around hoping that maybe today he misses me...

 

Sometimes a person is meant to be a Best Friend but not a lover.

 

But in this case, I'd say that his behavior tells me he is in no place for a relationship. He's broken and YOU can't fix him. And you are damaged too and he can't fix you. And THAT is why you are having this push-pull thing going on ... because you BOTH have to work on yourselves first.

 

I'll bet that when the "weak, scared little girl" stops texting him, that's when he suddenly comes back into the picture. Because the "weak, scared little boy" in him is hoping that today you are missing him. That is why you are both so perfect... and wrong, for each other. Because your wounds are creating a dynamic that will only stop when one of you says "I need to fall in love with ME first before I can fall in love with you". Right now, you are playing the co-dependent game and it's gotta stop my friend.

 

There are some great books (and likely, websites and blogs ... but I haven't needed them lately so I haven't looked!) on Co-dependency (you are talking to someone who has been there, done that, got the t-shirt ;) ) ... Robin Norwood's "Women who love too much" is one ... Brenda Schaeffer's "Is it love or addiction?" is another, and Melody Beattie's "Codependent no more" is the other one on my bookshelves. You can probably pick them up really cheap on Ebay from sellers who think they are "cured" ...lol ... Get them and read them. I think you will find that something in them speaks to you.

 

And yes, get Therapy ... but maybe try Adrials Home Study course first. Most of it is about self healing and working on yourself .... with H as your guide. It's really powerful stuff and worth every penny :)

 

 

 

 

[Orngpeelmafia]

@dancer <3 <3 I actually have been looking into co-dependency it's something I've struggled with before. I don't need him...I know this and I have a life outside of my relationship (leaps and bounds from where I once was ::shudders:: a younger version of myself went through true dependency in a relationship and that WAS NOT fun) and I am happy to a point. Yes it sucks and I have days where I miss him but I know life goes on. I know I have the strength to go on...I have these moments of clarity and then he's trying to get back in my life and all logic goes out the window. I have no will power when it comes to him and I feel like an addict some days but only when around him. I don't chase like I have in past relationships and I don't put my life on pause. But he tries to guilt trip me when he gets jealous that I am out with other people. But he can't even admit to having love for me just as a friend. When he pushes me away is when I hit low points like the one that spawned my original post. I'm trying to move on and save our friendship because he is a beautiful person and one I want in my life forever but he is making it difficult...and I'm no good at walking away and staying away...

[WCSDancer2010]

So this is a quote I sometimes have to use on myself when I am holding on to a relationship that is unhealthy:

 

Respect yourself to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.

 

Honey - he's not a beautiful person ... he's controlling and manipulative ....and yes, you ARE an addict ... and an addict MUST get away from the source of their unhealthy behaviors which means cutting off all ties. I know you want a friendship, but that's like an alcoholic saying they want their one glass of wine with dinner every night ... we all know it isn't going to happen and they will be back to drinking in no time. And honey, jealousy has NO PLACE in a relationship. It's an ugly thing to have in a person's nature and you need to get that to your core.

 

Get those books and google "The cycle of Emotional Abuse" ... you sound like you are in a pretty predictable, repetitive pattern and you have to break it my friend.

 

and I'm no good at walking away and staying away...

 

You say you went through true dependency ... well you may have made progress, but you gots some work to be done my friend, because this sounds like you are slipping into old habits. Stop making excuses for him and WALK AWAY. You can't rescue him or fix him in your state and nor should you....he needs professional help AND the desire to change ...

 

(((HUGS)))

[VirusEnhanced]

((Claps)) Once again everything and anything I could think of has been addressed and said. Co dependence is an interesting issue. I myself have just come to the realization I am addicted to it. You will find someone to love you for you I know it. I'll share my most recent story as some may have read I am moving to Colorado. Well I made the "mistake" of falling in love and in turn having a girl fall in love with me. She is compassionate loves animals is a great cook gives back rubs and overall great person. So I've found someone who loves me for me... But with life with one solution another problem reveals. She can't move with me to Colorado and so I must make this choice of what I want. Do I turn down an opportunity that I may never have again (to move to Colorado or out of my state, or stay and enjoy the love and companionship I've found.) no matter the decision it isn't easy. But I digress this isn't about me it's about YOU I just wanted to share that life doesn't always present easy choices and just because you don't see it or have it now doesn't mean you won't in the future. I've lost track how to get my point across haha, point is do what makes you happy mind, body, and soul.

 

Also from a mans perspective this guy pal is doing what I call "spare tire" routine. He's keeping you in the trunk as the spare tire only taking you out when he needs you. People don't drive around with their spare tires they use them when they need them and put them away when they don't. That explains the jealousy and over protective attitude. I'm not saying he's generally doing it consciously but it is what it is. Best saying "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option" words to live by.

[WCSDancer2010]

@VirusEnhanced

 

Just some clarity for you ... I wouldn't say your issue with your lady friend vs moving is anything to do with co-dependency. You just plain have a very hard and very shitty choice to make. And whatever option you choose, know you have to let the other option go ... or at least re-define it. Think outside the box... see what you can create to happen. You can even make it a bit of a game ... who can come up with the craziest options. You may be surprised ... you may come up with something that will work for you that doesn't mean you totally lose one thing or the other ;)