Regaining what was lost

[Guest]

How? How do we do this? How do we recover the piece of our soul that was ripped from us? We didn't ask for this. We did nothing wrong to "deserve" this. We are all good people here. So why is it so hard to see ourselves this way? Why don't I see me when I look in the mirror?

 

I was out with a friend this past Saturday. The next morning he texts me to say that he ran into his ex-girlfriend, got drunk, and slept with her a few times. It brought me to tears. I have never wanted to do that. It has never been something that appealed to me. But in this moment I felt despair because I lost agency over my own decisions. Because in the past I was able to actively choose to turn down a bad idea that I saw. It made me feel confident, strong, composed. Now I cannot choose. I have no choice. I must refuse on principle because of this burden I carry, not because I don't want to pursue.

 

I have lost my confidence. I have lost my sense of self. I have lost what it means to be me. How do I regain this? How can I rebuild something that is for all intents and purposes gone forever? Wiped away in the blink of an eye. A single moment of bad luck, and the person that was is no more.

 

I don't know how to be me again. I simply don't know. Therapy doesn't seem able to lead me there, and I sink further into despair. Not because I can no longer be a casual, carefree lover (I never was), but because I have lost my ability to choose, and it drives me further away from myself. I don't understand how to be me again. I need help. I don't know who I am anymore.

[HerryTheHerp]

Well, I would hope you wouldn't want to take your friend's ex home and sleep with her. Bros don't do that to Bros, so props there. There's nothing worse than when your friend turns to you and says "Hey, mind if I boink your ex." Things like that never end well. That's almost as bad as dating an ex's sister, or worse, her mother.

 

Alright, ice broken. I get where you're coming from. You know why you can't see yourself in the mirror? It's because you're letting this virus define you. You're letting it be who you are, instead of just a small part of who you are. I'm assuming you've had chicken pox? Do you see chicken pox when you look in the mirror? How about the common flu? No, don't see that either? So, why is herpes different? All of those viruses are transmissable; and you will always have the antibodies to them inside you. The only difference between those and herpes is that herpes sometimes likes to come out and raise hell.

 

You've lost your confidence, and hey, I get it. Been there more times than I care to remember. I lost mine for years, got it back, then voila!, all I got was herpes, the sound of multiple orgasms, and a t-shirt that said "Boy, is my boyfriend going to be pissed I had sex with you all weekend." Talk about a confidence killer.

 

You say it was a single moment of bad luck. Well, if you want to look at it that way. But, if I were you, and ladies, don't take this the wrong way, but man have you seen the ratio of guys to girls on this site alone? We're outnumbered 4 to 1 by some incredible women. Know what that means? It means guys with herpes are as rare and popular as the guy at the nudist colony who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts without spilling a drop.

 

You want to know how to be you again? Don't stop being you. It's that simple. Do the things you loved before, enjoy the same activities, pursue your dreams, live your life. You say you never were a casual, carefree lover. So, why are you upset by that? Know what? I wasn't either until one night when I decided to give it a try. Didn't work out the way I planned, but you know what? It changed my life and I have to say, it changed it for the better. You're mourning the loss of what you thought you might want; but the reality is, you weren't that guy to begin with and your own words prove that several times over.

 

Take the leap man. Just say "This is who I am, and dammit, I love who I am." Guys like myself, Adrial, VirusEnhanced, and the handful of others on this site are going to be holding the net to catch you, but I'll tell you a secret; the wings you'll sprout on the way down are going to make our job redundant.

[WCSDancer2010]

I have lost my ability to choose, and it drives me further away from myself.

 

You STILL have choice my friend. You think you can't have that thing you don't want (which is kinda crazy to be upset about it when you think about it, eh?) ... BUT I'm going to post a couple links to "Success Stories" of casual sex, because it CAN happen ... if you really REALLY want it to .... just get on the anti-virals and make sure you have your condoms and don't drink to a point where you "forget" to disclose, that's all.

 

ALL sex assumes risk of STD's and Pregnancy.... sadly most people forget that, especially with casual sex (where the risks increase exponentially). What if you didn't know you had H and you passed it on unwittingly through casual sex to someone? Would that make you feel any better? At least with knowing, you can take the precautions needed to protect your partner... and THAT is actually a rare thing with casual sex .... I shudder sooo many times on here to learn that someone got H (and thankfully nothing worse) during either a one-night-stand or a new relationship where they were convinced to not use a condom ... and I wonder "What were they thinking?" ... but then again, I've been stupid too in my past (damned hormones!!!) so who am I to talk :p

 

You are making this MUCH bigger than it is ... especially as you don't seem to be that guy who wants casual sex.... so, to help you see that casual sex isn't an impossibility, I give you the following links:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2749/casual-hook-ups-one-night-stands-with-the-h

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3368/my-one-night-wonder Casual sex Willow

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3271/first-disclosure-was-a-success-i-can-breathe-now- Rogue1313 (casual friend)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it- Casual Sex Successful Disclosure

 

 

[Guest]

It's not that I want to have casual sex. I don't. It's that it doesn't feel like I have any option other than turning it down if it's presented to me. The idea of having agency is a big one. It feels like the only choice at this point is to say no because of the virus, and not because I don't want casual sex. I know it's complicated, but it makes me feel less human as a result. All I'm trying to do is feel human. Why is it so difficult to feel like me?

[Orngpeelmafia]

Herry and dancer said it at.

And I have to agree with dance...sounds a little crazy to be upset at losing a thing you don't want doesn't it? And the crazier thing still is YOU CAN STILL HAVE IT :) true story been there done that realized even though I still could I didn't want to.

 

You're allowing this virus to control you...and it seems like there's no other choice...but there is everyone here with a little bit of time under their belt will tell you the same :) with time and some hard work on loving you life returns to normal! For me I need time to realize my body wasn't going to spontaneously combust in bumps hahaha the more the days passed and my body didn't change the more I realized it was all in my head and that's where the real work came in (still under construction but hey it's gettin there!) and my life is pretty normal nowadays....well MY version of normal ;)

 

Take a look at your day and see what's changed from your normal routine...and if nothing's changed that should say it all. If you realize you're not going out to your favorite place to eat or you're not hiking or walking or running anymore GO :) life doesn't have to change for the worst my friend

[WCSDancer2010]

It's that it doesn't feel like I have any option other than turning it down if it's presented to me. The idea of having agency is a big one.

 

DID YOU READ THE LINKS???? Willow's story is exactly what you are talking about - she thought she couldn't, the guy made it clear he was interested...she disclosed, and he was ok with it... he already knew the facts and the risks and was fine with it.

 

Now, some people *may* walk away..... but I can tell you, there are a LOT of reasons people bail in the middle of what looks like a quick bonk. I dated a guy who had Erectile Dysfunction who told me of a number of very painful experiences with women who walked when he "disclosed" that he had ED (even tho Viagara took care of things) AND he was AMAZING at Oral Sex. Imagine what THAT does for your ego .... :(

 

As @OPM says - YOU are letting the virus define you. Sure, it may complicate things on occasion, but there are soooo many "deal breakers" out there and H is just one of them. You really, REALLY have to get that into your head. H IS JUST A DEAL BREAKER, that's all. It doesn't stop you from attempting casual sex (or agreeing to it) if you want.

 

We are ALL Human Beings, Being Human. And in our humanity, we make mistakes, and we have a CHOICE. Learn and grow from our mistake ... or become a victim and blame everything that goes wrong in our lives on that mistake. So what do YOU choose?

[perfGentleman]

When you look in the mirror, are you still the same awesome person you were before? Can you have casual sex? Yes. why not? As long as you take that moment and let the other person be aware and do what you can in your power to protect them. Why not?

 

I dislike when people ask me about risks. Because... I'm a risk taker. I got H because I took a risk. I'm not so upset about the risk, I just wish I had been better protected by my partner and more aware. Would I have still taken the risk? Probably. Would have probably been more careful though... I blame my hormones for that part.

 

 

 

I understand what you mean tough...

You can't just go and have sex with anyone now. Sex is a big deal now. I feel ya...

All we can do is protect others in the best of our abilities, and let them make a decision on whether they are willing to take the risk,.

 

 

I'm sure you have heard this one before:

 

YOU MISS ALL THE SHOTS YOU DON'T TAKE!

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

YOU MISS ALL THE SHOTS YOU DON'T TAKE!

 

Amen to that one!!!

 

And the Salesman's Mantra :

 

Every No is One Step Closer to a Yes ;)

[ihaveittoo]

@ThisIsMeNow

 

All I can really say is that these early days with herpes are the absolute worst. Life all of a sudden seems pretty overwhelming.

 

With 27 years experiance under my belt now(pun more or less intended) the best thing you've done is come to this site. It took me nearly 10 years to talk to someone other than a doctor about this. I never told any of my friends from before I got herpes about this, even to this day. Just before I got out of the service I filled a 90 day prescription of Acyclovir. About a week or so after I got home I got careless one day and left the bottle on top of the dresser. Mom, being nosey like moms tend to be read the label. Being a nurse she looked up Acyclovir. The next day she comes to me and says "do you know what those pills are used to treat?" In my mind I shouted out HOLY SHIT! A very quite "yes" came out of my mouth. She proceded with a very short lecture about herpes. I kept my mouth shut. That was the only time it was ever talked about until I came across a herpes chat room on AOL. At that point the herpes world began to open up for me. I began to communicate with others who understood. I began to realize that I was not alone. Statistics were put out there that showed just how common herpes was amongst the world population.

 

One night while in the chatroom, me and another person in the room discovered we were from the same geographical area. He passed along a phone number for the local herpes support group. I called up the number and listened to a recording. Learned the group had been around nearly 15 years at that point and that meetings were held once a month. I remember that the next meeting was about 2 weeks away. Nah...I can't go are you crazy! Anyway, I ended up going. I over came my fear and went in that room. Wow, these people look so normal. Hmm, that guy is a lawyer. Hey this other fella is a fireman. The guy to my left is a car mechanic, and that lady next to him is his girlfriend. Your kidding, she doesn't have herpes? WTH!! Talk about having your eyes opened. I left that meeting with a whole new perspective. Herpes is only as bad as you make it.

 

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that this herpes business takes time. Time to learn about. Time to get used to having and dealing with. You have reached a point of communicating with others about this that took me nearly 10 years to reach. Keep it up. Stick to it. You can do it. Sometime in the future strongly consider seeking out a support group. That in person interaction with others was a revalation to me. I think that it could be for you too. Whenever your ready, no rush.

[willow]

Nothing has been taken away from you... you gained a "wingman" as dancer puts it,

If it wasnt for herpes... i 1.. woulnd NOT have met my bf, 2.. would STILL be friends with complete assholes. And 3... i wouldnt feel as strong as i do now.

so incase ur wondering... ive had a one nighter a month ago...

AND now i have a bf, h didnt stop anything from happening...

u gotta seriously look at herpes as an OPPORTUNITY to love yourself! .

We have quite litterally ALL been in your shoes.. ( or a similar fit at least)...

be it casual... or relationship sex, you can have whatever you want.

all ya gotta do is let the person know " so... hey, i like ya, but i need to tell u something important. I have herpes, " and then add lib with facts and emotion and stuff..

it can be hard at times, but dont let h control you. You're in controll of your body mind and soul... dont let a jackass like h get the raise and bump you out of job. Stay strong man. You got this.