Disclosing and casual sex

[Blueskygirl]

Have any of you disclosed or not disclosed if you engaged in hookups/casual sex? I'll admit I have had sex with a lot of guys before I got HSV2. I've even had unprotected sex with a few guys - I know, not smart at all. The guy who gave me the virus was a hookup and he did use a condom- he didn't know he had herpes or didn't disclose. Maybe two of the guys asked me if I was on birth control or if I've been tested for STDs. A lot of men think that by just putting on a condom, they can pretty much have sex with any woman and everything will be okay.

 

I meet and date a lot of guys, mostly not from Positive Singles, so their HSV1 or HSV2 status is unknown or they assume they're negative from lack of symptoms. Anyone who is sexually active assumes certain risks. Unless you get tested between every partner (which can be frequent if you have sex with multiple people) and show someone your medical reports, there is no way to tell if someone is telling the truth when they say, "I get tested and I'm clean." Unless a person is going to have sex with one person for his/her entire life and both people have been tested, there is a risk of getting an STD. If the guy doesn't bring up STDs, why is the burden put all on me to disclose?

 

For those of you who engage in hookups, do you have casual sex with all H+ people or with people who's HSV status is unknown or confirmed H- people? I wanted to get other opinions because most of the posts on here seem to be about disclosing within a relationship context.

[VirusEnhanced]

I wrote a longer reply but my phone deleted it... I'll say this it's a double edged blade say you don't disclose and just assume that as consenting adults the man is aware of the dangers of unprotected sex and casual sex behavior. That same man may be thinking the same thing about you when he disregards he is or may be Hiv, Heps, etc HPV positive. Which by the way HIV infection rate triples if not quadruple by means of genital HSV.

 

 

So it's a crap deal to be honest. You could choose not to disclose but so can they... wouldn't you both wish to know? It's what a person can live with... me myself even if a lady friend was begging for the D and it'sa one time deal I wouldn't for the two reasons mentioned. Who knows what she has and I know what I have.

 

 

Now I'm not saying you should or shouldn't I'm just sharing my own personal perspective of given the same situation what I'd do and thoughts about it.

 

I got my HSV from childhood but I got my HPV from exploring the college campus. It really put into perspective STDS and I knew then and there I was fortunate it wasn't the big H and on that note ilk say I've slowed down and abstaining from sex while my body works out the virus. Then disclosures and a game plan. Til then it'll be Marry Thumb and her four daughters for me!

[perfGentleman]

The way I see it... I will probably be asking every future partner when they were last tested... I don't need another virus.

 

I have slowed down my rhytm too since getting H 3 months ago. It's been hard, going from a multiple times a week to almost 0.

When I got H, I was just about to embark on a very promiscuous life. I had 3 different partners scheduled for that week. I really believed that condoms protected me against everything. How I wish she had been on suppresive therapy. Anyway... There are some people in life best avoided.

However... had she not told me, and had I been asymptomatic and caught it anyways, I could have been passing it on to about 10 other persons by now, until someone would let me know!

Kind of the same way you got it....

 

 

I won't limit my partners to H+ or H-. I think the person should be aware. Just in case...

[Sayyywhatt]

I've disclosed to one person who was a hookup buddy and he took it well....you HAVE to tell them because it's their life and it should be on their terms....I'm more nervouse to tell someone I'm wanting to be in a relationship with than someone who I'm hooking up....but remember the guy who have it to you didn't tell you and you ended up contracting H....you wouldn't want to do that to someone else would you?

[WCSDancer2010]

why is the burden put all on me to disclose?

 

Twofold:

 

1) As @Sayyywhatt said, that's how you got it and why would you want to risk doing that to someone else???????

 

2) as @enhanced said, your risk of HIV goes up dramatically with HSV because of the potential for OB's and irritation allowing the HIV virus in. Also, you can get HPV with a condom on as well .... so although folks in the "hook-up" scene hate this info, you would be best to have a couple *trusted* hook-up partners who you know are tested regularly and who only hook up with folks who are tested regularly if you want to protect YOUR health......

 

Anyone who is sexually active assumes certain risks.

 

Absolutely... but you already lost the crap shoot once? Do you REALLY want to see how far you can push your luck?

 

The general feeling on here is that we encourage you to disclose EVERY TIME you are with a new sex partner of any kind. For their health/choice. For your health. And the bonus is you may be able to educate them about the truth about condoms, viral shedding, lack of testing, and the fact that you can't "tell" if someone has an STD by looking at them.

 

I'm posting some "Casual Sex Success" links for you where the people disclosed. It CAN be done. Yes you may find some run, but anyone who partakes on a regular basis will, as you said, know there's a risk. But at least you can lessen YOUR risks by having an ADULT conversation with them before you embark on this adult behavior ;)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3271/first-disclosure-was-a-success-i-can-breathe-now- Rogue1313 (casual friend)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3368/my-one-night-wonder Casual sex Willow

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it

 

(((HUGS)))

[Blueskygirl]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I don't get on this site very often.

 

@Sayyywhatt: Very true. I'm pretty certain that the guy who gave me the virus didn't tell me. He acted shady after we slept together by lying to me and I know his ex-gf. She said he isn't a trustworthy person which is why they broke up. Either way I told him needs to get tested but he continued to deny that he had herpes and that he tested clean. Interestingly he quoted to me, "What are you so worried about? 25 percent of people have herpes" How would he know this statistic unless he did even some basic research about the virus? I didn't know anything about HSV1 or HSV2 before I got the virus.

 

@WCSDancer2010: Thank you for the links. Part of it is that since my two disclosures didn't go well, I don't know if I could make myself emotionally vulnerable. I just get so depressed about this issue and there isn't a day that I don't think about this virus. I know that I'm letting the stigma take over my life and I just want to be able to date like I used to.

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@Blueskygirl

 

Then perhaps H is here to teach you a different way to date. Perhaps your way of dating in the past wasn't working for you. Perhaps H was sent to teach you how to not only get better at being vulnerable, but also how to accept another's reaction to that as THEIR reaction (ie, it has NOTHING to do with you OR your H status). Perhaps it was sent to teach you empathy for others in the form of not buying into a stigma that you have now learned is unfair and unfounded. Or it may be some completely different lesson. Only YOU can figure that part out.

 

You see, IMO, every life experience is a chance to learn and grow ... and many are sent to us when we really need to learn them. Coming to this place of seeing experiences ... good and bad ... as something to learn and grow from has changed my life. I wish I had learned that at your age ... to understand that life wasn't happening TO me .... it was just happening.... AND, I had a choice of how I went forward from each experience. It would have saved me a lot of grief and pain. I hope you can see this now ... even if it seems odd to you ... try it on. You may find that you like the way it feels ;)

 

Peace