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diagnosis -> breakup?


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I guess I should preface this by saying i'm 1.5 bottles of wine in...Does this always happen? I was just diagnosed last Monday. Recurring fights followed and we are now broken up. I'm alone to deal with this and really truly feeling like no one will ever take the risk with me :( All I want to do right now is go out and be self destructive but I can't. Because. I have. Herpes. I feel like all ahead of me is rejection, fear and hatred. I know i'm just 2 hrs out of a break up but I feel so incredibly depressed. I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew he had herpes. But he told me he was on suppressants. He didn't know he had to take them every day and now i'm stuck with this to deal with on my own for the rest of my life. I'm doomed to think of him every time I take my pills. My heart is broken and I feel like a leper.

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Hi Athena,

 

First off, you aren't alone. Look around you right now. There's a whole virtual throng of peeps in your H Opp community ready to support. We're all waving with goofy-ass "you're gonna be okay" grins on our faces. ;) You're in good company. All of us have been through our own version of pain around this. Just because you're single doesn't mean you're alone. You're never alone unless you want to be.

 

Notice that all those feelings of fear are related to thoughts and beliefs that you have inside your mind. Ask yourself if those thoughts are actually true. The nature of thoughts (and feelings) is that they change. Now it might FEEL like the end of the world (I know it did for me at the very beginning.) But thoughts and feelings are impermanent by their very nature. Your worries about the future, your belief that you're now a leper ... Are they actually true? Or are they just really unfortunate thoughts and beliefs that you've somehow come to adopt as truth for yourself? You are having growing pains. You're shedding the BS that isn't actually you. All these thoughts and beliefs about yourself of being anything less than beautiful and worthy can go now.

 

Here's a blog article I just wrote about what thoughts we let in (and those we don't):

http://herpeslife.com/the-bouncer-in-your-head

 

This is all really important stuff to consider. Really important.

 

Here's a quote that sums up why:

 

“Watch your thoughts; they turn into your actions. Watch your actions; they turn into habits. Watch your habits; they turn into your character.”

 

And I would add to that quote: "... which then becomes your life."

Notes:

  • My mother is now in hospice with end-stage cancer, so I am at her house a lot these days helping where I can until she passes. Thank you in advance for understanding if I am not as quick to respond as I normally would be. This is a precious and bittersweet time …
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@Athena

first i just want to let u know, u are FAR from alone in this! You have everyone here to help support u! Im sorry to hear about your breakup, theyre never easy to go through, especially when dealing with a new diagnosis. Its hard for either party to be supportive when the diagnosis is hard to understand, and especially when its h because soo many people are missinformed about it.

 

Dont let herpes control you, i mean yes with an o.b. we can all feel super shitty about it, and emotional, but when we r not going thru an o.b. are we really that different?

I still wake up to my morning coffee and smoke, i still have my shower and sometimes do my make-up. Im sure there of plenty of things u do in ur morning routine that has nothing to do with herpes!!!

 

herpes doesnt hold u back from anything, it does help slow down a physical relationship, and it can help filter out unkind people in your life. U can still have sex, u can still go out and do the things that make u happy.

 

Its unfortunate he didnt know about taking the meds daily, but thats what i mean about misinformed with a diagnosis. Ive even had doctors tell me im safe as long as i dont have an o.b. i dont have to telk a sex partner, which now many of us know is not true.

 

And you are not a leper! You are a beautiful individual, you are human, and you are loved!

And just because you have h doesnt mean u'll be rejected. I myself have been rejected, then months later had a one night (not proud of just saying) and then a couple months later have a bf now who is h-. you might still feel fear and hatred, but those feelings will pass soon, and be filled with acceptance (not only with h but acceptance for yourself too) and passion.

Hope this helps xox

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@Athena

 

So much great wisdom here ... I know that right now you are in the depths of despair right now - but that's part of a break-up no matter what the cause. The Rejection Reaction" is a powerful trigger for us all... it's a very primitive automatic reaction that used to serve us well when we needed to stay in groups to survive ... it makes people "behave" so they won't be tossed out to survive on their own ... but in today's society it only serves to make us either stay in bad relationships or post-"rejection" we sink into a depression. It's also been shown to be a very physical reaction - that we feel the pain physically (stomach aches, tension, etc). The thing you really need to understand that it is an AUTOMATIC reaction that you can learn to accept, process, and move on from.

 

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

Most people use a rebound-relationship to help them to "forget" ... but usually it just causes pain and confusion for everyone concerned ... If you can read the links below it may help you to understand that this is just a natural feeling that you WILL get through and all you can do is to be gentle with yourself and don't jump into anything you will regret later just to prove to yourself that you are beautiful and lovable... ok????

 

AND - all this rejection stuff has NOTHING to do with Herpes - H is just an added layer.... however, I also ascribe to the belief that H can be a wonderful wingman and that you will often find that those who are not healthy for you will distance themselves from you .... and while that "rejection" is painful, in the long run, you are better off without them. Sounds crazy right now, I know, but it will make sense as you process everything and read more here ;)

 

http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

Do know that this too shall pass. Be gentle on yourself.... break-ups suck ... pure and simple. But we all survive it ... and hopefully learn from it .... and move on ...

 

(((HUGS)))

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