Found out yesterday... how do I feel... how do I tell him

[Kelly_H]

Hey all...

 

Three weeks ago I scheduled a gyno appointment for yesterday (Tuesday) so I could start birth control but little did I know I was going to want that appointment for other reasons. On Sunday night after having sex for the third time with a guy I have been seeing a month I found that I was very sore and it hurt when I urinated. Sadly, Monday night I found the all bumps, felt so uncomfortable, it hurt even more when I urinated and I had a discharge. When I went to the doctor yesterday she told me I have herpes and started me on a medication. I am still experiencing all the symptoms but with little to no movement I feel ok. It sucks.

 

With all of this I don't know what to feel. I'm upset that I let this happen to me, I'm worried about the rest of my life, I feel dirty and sometimes I just feel like it's a horrible dream. I can't believe I'm going to have this for the rest of my life.

 

If I was single I may be able to deal with this easier and just seclude myself but I don't think i can do that with my current relationship. We have only been seeing each other a month but I would feel horrible leaving him without saying anything and without telling him he should go get tested. My doctor thinks he may be living with the virus and just not realize it since so many people don't have outbreaks that make them think they have Herpes. We had sex on Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday morning and Sunday night and I saw symptoms on Monday night.... As of right now I don't know if I got it from him but if I didn't, I could have given it to him. So how do I tell him? If he wants to breakup that's fine but I want to be able to give him all the information I have and tell him that we could still work.

 

I need advice, both with my guy and in how to live with this...

[WCSDancer2010]

@Kelly_H

 

Hello and welcome!

 

Quick question... did the Dr do a swab to confirm the diagnosis? While it *sounds* like H, you cannot do a definitive diagnosis with a visual exam. The Dr should have at least taken a culture - blood work as well would be a good idea because that would tell you if you have had it for awhile (over 4 months) or not. That would help you to figure out if you got it from the guy (sounds likely as the timing after you had sex would fit the norm for a first OB, BUT, it's possible that sex triggered a latent virus that was already there)

 

The swab would also tell you which kind you have .... if you have HSV1, it's very possible you got it orally ... 80% of people carry the H1 virus (aka cold sores) and most don't know they can pass it on through oral sex.

 

How you tell the BF? Tell him what happened. Simple as that. You started being uncomfortable right after your 4 days together and the Dr says it's very likely H ... and that its very possible you got it from him because of the timing. Ask him if he's ever had a mysterious rash or oral cold sores... if the answer is yes to either, that's likely your answer ... but I'd strongly suggest he gets tested either way. If his blood work comes back H+ and yours comes back H- (you won't get a H+ result from blood work for at least 4 months) then you know you got it from him. If he's H-, there are anti-virals that help to protect your partner (they knock the risk down by 50% from 5% to 2%) and condoms may afford some protection.

 

I assume you used condoms (I HOPE!) ... if you have not been tested for EVERYTHING (and you will have to ASK for everything including HPV, Chlamydia, and HSV) already you both should do that ASAP ... and results are not 100% until 4-6 months after your last sexual encounter.

 

I'll post a few links for you that give stats and such - you can print out the handout for your BF and tell him if he needs info, to come here, or to the CDC website, or Westover Heights. They are the most informative and trustworthy sites out there. Keep him off Google ... there's a lot of really bad info out there :)

 

When you digest this and the links, come back with any questions you have .. and we'll be here for you when you tell him. Whatever you do, don't buy into the stigma ... don't let it run your life. As a 35 yr veteran I can promise you, you will be fine however things turn out with the guy :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

http://www.cdc.gov/std/Herpes/STDFact-Herpes-detailed.htm

 

http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/

 

Herpes facts video

[Unbroken]

As to living with it, if you have it even, the first thing you'll feel (if your'e anything like me) is you're the only person in the world with it. That is BS. You'll also think it is going to be painful and frequent. That is also BS. Find out for sure, then come back. Read everything Dancer has provided as well.

[NSgreenville]

I feel for you. Being single through it sucked for me because I felt it would have been nice to have someone to go through it with. But I would certainly tell the guy. Let him now that you went for your routine check up and they told you this and that he should probably get tested. After that just arm yourself with knowledge, and believe me there is so much crap out there. I say look on here and ask the fellow members. We have all been there and all felt just like you. I know its hard to imagine right now because we all know our own story is unique but trust me when I tell you this site and the people on here are life savers.

 

Nick

[Kelly_H]

Thanks everyone.

 

To answer your question Dancer... my doctor called me this morning and it is H... HSV2. Can I still get that if he had a cold sore and then performed oral? Can I get it in my mouth if I performed oral on him and he has H and doesn't know it? In any case, I can't believe I allowed this to happen to myself. When I went in she only did a swab test and not any blood work. On a positive note I'm clear of Chlamydia and Ghoneriha. I asked her if she knew if this was a virus new to me or if I had had it for a while and she said she didn't know for sure but that she thinks that it most likely came from him since, like you said, it fits the time period of my first OB. She also thinks he probably doesn't know he has it.

 

I've seen him twice since I went to the doctor and I tried each time to tell him but I never did. I was partially waiting so I knew if I for sure have H but I was also waiting because I needed this advice. I think it's hard for me because even if he did give it to me I feel like the dirty one and that I did something horrible. I also don't want to be the one that puts this huge burden on his life.... BUT I do know that even though I have these feelings that I have to tell him. It's the only fair and right thing to do...

 

As for using a condom... no. What a mistake. Maybe I could have avoided all of this if we would have :( My doctor told me to take a pregnancy test and I'm going to start bc on Sunday. Lets just hope the results from that test are negative

 

I'll definitely check out those links and maybe show them to him.... if he doesn't run away when I tell him.... I've been reading almost anything I can find online (hopefully all good info) and I've also seen some people's stories. I hope mine turns out for the better.

 

Thank you Unbroken and NSgreenville as well. Knowing that there are people here that I can actually talk to helps.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Kelly_H

 

So HSV1 is what most people think of as cold sores, and most people think of Genital Herpes as HSV2. Thing is, HSV1 can head south (normally through oral sex) but HSV2 isn't crazy about the mouth so it rarely goes there (about 1% of all oral Herpes is HSV2). So.....

 

If he has HSV1 oral you CAN get it from him from Oral Sex or you could get a "cold sore" from him. Your HSV2 may afford you *some* immunity but you can't rely on it. I would suggest you get blood tested to see if you carry the H1 virus ... if you do it's likely oral, in which case you would have some immunity to it, AND you would know if you need to be cautious around giving oral sex. Make sure your BF gets tested for BOTH types of H.

 

If he has HSV1 genital, you could get it from him from Oral sex... but the issue is, if he doesn't know he has it, and he comes up H1+, he won't know for sure if it's oral or genital.

 

I think it's hard for me because even if he did give it to me I feel like the dirty one and that I did something horrible. I also don't want to be the one that puts this huge burden on his life....

 

Can you see the craziness of this statement - HE gave it to YOU and yet YOU are the dirty one! And really, why would EITHER of you be "dirty"? 15-20% of people have H2. So one in 5 or 6 of your friends, family, and co-workers will have it. Can you tell which ones are "dirty"? I can tell you, Herpes is an equal-opportunity virus. I got it with my FIRST sexual experience. I know people who are virgins who got it from Oral sex. Yes, you *should* have used a condom, but we have plenty here who got it with a condom as well.

 

As for putting a "huge burden" on his life ... well, he didn't use a condom and he didn't have an STD talk with you, so you guys are equal here ... and he needs to know no matter what happens with you so he can learn the facts and if you don't work out, he will know for the future. If you DO work out, well, you both have it so that would omit the issue of protecting your partner. BUT, don't EVER make that a reason to stay if you feel it is not the right place for you ;)

 

As for using a condom... no. What a mistake. Maybe I could have avoided all of this if we would have

 

Well, condoms only give you 50% protection, so who knows. Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda wont get you anywhere now ;)

 

(((HUGS)))