I have no idea how to do this

[babysteps]

(Deep sigh) So I met the most amazing guy I've ever encountered in all my life and we have been seeing each other for about 3 months. This will be my first disclosure ever and I don't know what to say, how to say it, when to say it, where to say it etc. I don't want to lose him. Some days Im afraid I waited too long....other days I'm afraid I didn't wait long enough. My biggest fear is that if my first disclosure goes badly that it will shape the way I look at being h+. I'm so afraid. We talk about being open and honest with one another and I have this thing that I haven't told him...what do I say?

[WCSDancer2010]

@babysteps

 

First - Hello and Welcome!

 

Like doing anything the first time, disclosure can be scary. Know that like everything else in life, you will have success and failure and you can't let the failures define you or defeat you. One friend who is was a salesman said to me (in relationship to a business I was looking at, but it applies to love too) Every No brings you one step closer to a Yes So, if this person chooses to not continue the relationship, thank them for clearing the path for the right guy to come along ;)

 

We have TONS of success stories on here... I'll post some links below but you can look at the Success Stories category on the right of the page here.

 

Can you tell me which one you have? I have two "scripts" depending on whether you have HSV1 or 2 that I have come up with that helps the H- person understand what you are dealing with, and it's useful for you to know because 80% of the population has HSV1 and most don't know it, so we can use this to help us explain the prevalence of H and how they are likely being exposed to it a lot more than they realize.

 

Also, I pose some alternative ways of looking at things ... for instance, H is a GREAT Wingman - how someone reacts to your disclosure will tell you a LOT more than you may see in regular conversation with them. And Herpes isn't the only thing that people are afraid that people will "discover" about them and not want to be with. I'll post my blog links on these subjects too for you.

 

Bottom line - don't rush it .. read around here until you feel more comfortable. If he he's really into YOU, he will wait as long as it takes for you to disclose and be ready for sex with him. If not, well, maybe he just wants to get INTO you ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/

 

Success Stories

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said-thisisgoingtobeok

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night NSgreenville (male) (READ TO THE END!!)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3453/proper-vocabulary-i-have-herpes-vs-im-a-carrier-of-hsv blueeyes… ending 8 yr dry spell from terror to elation

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3736/disclosed-to-the-guy-i-like-on-the-first-meeting Helzbelz88

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3744/its-just-a-thing- dudereally

 

Blogs

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/

 

Herpes facts video

 

When to have the H talk Adrial

 

[babysteps]

@WSCDancer2010

Dancer! Just the person I was hoping to hear from...I read nearly all your responses to questions and was secretly hoping you would respond with advice. I have H2 and I'm scared....I was diagnosed shortly after meeting this person and fear I haven't had time to process it..let alone feel any sense of strength that I will need to disclose to him.

[whitedaisies]

Can I just chime in and say how wonderful it is that u met someone that u feel u want to disclose with. That's worth celebrating too!!!!

 

I get scared too....it's normal....don't let fear hold u back....you can do this if u feel it is the right guy. Sometimes I do jumping jacks to rev me up before I want to do something uncomfortable...lol...crazy I know!!!!

 

Dancer has great advice take a deep breath and jump!!!!!

 

Please keep us posted.

 

Hugs to u!!!

[babysteps]

Thank you @ white daisies!!! I'm gonna need some serious support!

[whitedaisies]

Message me anytime. Happy to give any that I can!!!!!!

 

You are worth it!!! Don't let fear paralyze u. U have to be vulnerable to get what u want.

 

Hugs many many of them!!

[WCSDancer2010]

Glad to help @babysteps - make sure you read the links I gave you..going into the talk with the right attitude (about H AND about how other people's reactions have NOTHING to do with who you are) will help you to come across as confident and empowered by your status....

 

So try this on ... you can and will of course tweak it for the situation and the guy, but it will give you some things to consider saying when you have the talk

 

"I want to start this relationship with honesty and openness…. so I have something to tell you. You know the cold sores people get on their lips? I get a similar thing down there. Both are the Herpes virus. If I take suppressive meds and/or we can use condoms, and we don't touch me when I have any signs, we can reduce the risk of you getting it down to less than 2% ... If we use both it would be less than 1%. Given that 80% of people have herpes, and 80% of them don't know it because they were never tested because it's not included in STD tests, you may have it and not know unless you specifically asked for the test anyway. I really like you and if we get physical I will do everything in my power to keep you from getting it. And in a way, I am safer than most because I KNOW I have it and how to manage it. Most people like me got it from someone that didn't know they have it or we were lied to.

 

I would add that you were recently diagnosed and you are still adjusting to it. It's ok to let someone see you being vulnerable - the main thing is to not buy into the stigma and feel shame about it....because *that* will scare people off.

 

I'm finding more and more that many men really truly feel more attracted to me since I've come completely out simply because they like that I am confident in my honesty and transparency, even tho they may be H-. So many people have been burned by someone lying to them, that they actually appreciate it when someone says, "This is who I am, flaws and all"....

 

(((HUGS)))

 

[babysteps]

So I think I'm going to do it tomorrow.

[whitedaisies]

Ok. Good luck!!!! I know u can do this. U will be ok!!!

 

Think of all u have to gain by doing this.

 

Hugs

 

Xo

[WCSDancer2010]

Good luck - we'll be cheering you on over here!

[babysteps]

I couldn't do it. I felt unprepared. But I got my test results on paper today to help me explain negative skin but positive blood. And I have to print the sheets off and rehearse my speech. But I did tell my sister last week. That was really hard but easy at the same time, she is the first person that I told besides my suspected giver...but this weekend. I'll do it for sure.

[whitedaisies]

It's ok. Baby steps......lol

 

Good luck

[babysteps]

:-) lol

[whitedaisies]

;)

[babysteps]

He keeps asking me...what's wrong with me? I seem to perfect. ....it's making me crazy

[whitedaisies]

Take a deep breath and do it. Tell him u have sthng to tell him but u are scared to tell him.

 

 

 

Hugs

 

Xo

[WCSDancer2010]

TELL HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Look ... carrying on like this is just perplexing him, torturing you, and keeping you from moving forward ... with OR without him. And I know you are afraid to lose him but you can't move forward till you tell him....

 

Go back and re-read my Wingman stories and watch this ... you MUST move forward at this point ... because you really are only as sick as your secrets ;)

 

Kirsty Spraggon Ted Talk “You are only as Sick as Your Secrets

 

[babysteps]

First, I want to thank all you guys for your support . I would have never been able to make it through without you guys. You won't ever imagine how much you guys support has mattered to me. So....I did it...I told him...I held his hand....took a lot of deep breaths....and I told him. He closed his eyes...he shed a few tears...and told me...he loves me. He said he needed a minute and I tried to get up. He said stay right here. We talked about what he knew about it....the stats....medication....transmission. He said he loves me and we met for a reason and he is happy and he wants to be with me. Then...we I said we can make love when he is ready...then we made love and now I have a new boyfriend!!!

[whitedaisies]

Can I say told u so!!!!!

 

Soo really happy for u.

 

Lots of love!!!!

[Unbroken]

I'm in tears here, beautiful!!! Good for you :) :) :)

WE GOT THIS.

[Peggy]

so awesome and that's what its all about!!! Im so happy for you such courage to be vulnerable!!! thanks for the inspiration!

[whitedaisies]

OK I just have to post again (wrote the first response at the top)....

 

I am so very happy, crying happy tears....and i am so glad you didn't torture yourself too much longer...honestly, i knew it was going to work out for you and I have great intuition!!!! Wish it applied for the lottery LOL, but alas.....

 

I am happy dancing, smiling, screaming, crying...just so happy bc I know how you were struggling. I hope you enjoy all the intimacy from your new found relationship.

 

Lots of Hugs...and a few kisses too!

[WCSDancer2010]

So glad that you finally told him. See??? if they REALLY love you, then they will slow down, take a deep breath, and realize that it's just something to overcome and not a reason to walk ;)

 

So happy for you friend!

[normalprofessional]

Congratulations! this is awesome :)

[Chinup]

That's awesome! Such an inspiration for the rest of us!!! Congrats :-)