Having a hard time making peace with herpes

[j_avalon]

Hi Friends,

 

I need some help. I feel stuck. I am trying to be positive and look at herpes in a positive light, but I feel so angry. If it wasn't for herpes, I would be happily in a relationship right now. I could enjoy dating rather than being stressed out by it. I miss being intimate with someone so much. I keep telling myself that there are tons of other people with the virus, and that one day I will find a man who loves me no matter what, and I keep trying to reinforce to myself that I'm a valuable person, I'm a catch and any guy would be lucky to have me. But even though I keep telling myself these things and trying to think positive, I don't feel it. I don't believe it in my soul, but I want to. I don't know how to get past this feeling of anger and loss. How can I truly be at peace with herpes? I'm really struggling. I just want to be happy again and feel desirable. I know I need to change my beliefs about what it means to have herpes, but I guess I don't know how. Please, share with me how you guys manager to arrive at a place of peace with herpes.

 

I've had it for 2 years now, dealing withy first rejection from a guy I really liked, made me realize I never really dealt with my emotions about herpes until now, before I just pushed it deep down inside and tried to forget about it, but being rejected had made it all swell up and i want to deal with it and move on a be happy. Help!

[WCSDancer2010]

@j_avalon

 

First - Welcome!

 

The first step to your healing and accetance is coming here ... and with finally dealing with your feelings. I'm a 35 yr veteran and I can tell you that in the long run, this will be a blip on your timeline. I'm sorry you went so long before asking for help. But at least you are here now ... and things should get better from here on in.

 

I'm not on my regular computer but I will post some links for you later... but for now, please check out the Success Story section and the Inspiration section. I am on here every day - I monitor every conversation - and I can tell you we get about 4-5 Success stories for every "rejection" (and many of those who are rejected realize later that they dodged a bullet with that person).

 

YOU have the choice to allow your mind to run the show ... to believe the thoughts that you have that you are now not as desirable or beautiful or whatever. OR - you can choose to allow H to act as your Wingman (I'll post links about that later, but no, I'm not smoking anything and it CAN help you to meet better people), how H can help you to learn compassion (for yourself and others), and many other "improvements" to your life.

 

For now, check those sections out ... I'll hopefully be on my computer later tonight and I'll add more then :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Yadira]

@j_avalon welcome! You have found the most amazing place to get answers, guidance & advice. Yes, you will have a meaningful relationship. I have HSV2 & my boyfriend does not. We have been together about a year now and our relationship is amazing. I accepted that I had it, prayed about it and moved on. Life is too amazing to not enjoy it. Don't beat yourself up about having herpes. So many people have it. It's ok. Pursue all your goals. Be active. Eat right and stay in a positive mind frame. Your thoughts can quickly change how you feel about yourself. I'm sure you have a lot to offer and one day you will meet the right man for you and he won't care that you have herpes. Ok?

[Chinup]

Welcome!! First and foremost, you are not alone in your feelings!! I am right there with you! I am 2 weeks in with my diagnosis and I do not think or quite accepted reality yet. I know it's going to hit me eventually, and I'll likely have a serious mental break down.. And even though it's only been 2 weeks, there are definitely good and bad days. Have you tried therapy or counseling? I'm starting on Monday.. The healing process will be different for everyone, but the common factor will be time.. Each of us will heal, it will just take time. Feel free to message me if you'd like to chat! I've found comfort in speaking with others going through what I'm going through! This forum has been a life saver!! And Dancer will definitely hook you up with all the links and videos.. Just remember at the end of the day, you are not defined by this virus. I've found that a lot of positive self talk helps me. I try to keep perspective be remain thankful that it's not worse than it is.. It's not life threatening.. It's not crippling.. We have all of our limbs and all of our senses.. It really could be so much worse! Finding positivity anywhere you can helps! Try to stay strong and keep your chin up!! Please send me a message if you'd like :-)

[Unbroken]

6 year HSV-2 vet here. I had my multi-year funk just like you and sometimes it takes a while. I had some counselling which can help if you have a good counselor. I just came out of my shell one day. One day you'll have enough facts and you'll snap out the funk as well. I think the biggest thing and when you truly make peace with this condition is when you realize and start to live by the reality - there is life after rejection. Disclosing simply does not scare me any longer, I appreciate it's ability to weed out people I don't want to know anyway, i.e., immature, vulnerable to stigma, non-evidentiary, etc. Herpes has truly become my wing man. Rational, mature human beings are very accepting and those are the people you want in your life anyway. Read everything Dancer posts for you, information is your friend. And so are we!

 

That said, I feel for where you're at. Here's my initial post, hopefully you can relate:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3809/the-stigma-ends-tonight

[WCSDancer2010]

Here's the links... including some information on rejection (which is a primal reaction that doesn't serve us any more ... see article for explanation)

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3296/this-is-water-this-is-water- Choice

 

Rejection

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

Sample Success Stories

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said-thisisgoingtobeok

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night NSgreenville (male) (READ TO THE END!!)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3983/successful-disclosure-male-to-female xrcb 8/12

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3453/proper-vocabulary-i-have-herpes-vs-im-a-carrier-of-hsv blueeyes… ending 8 yr dry spell from terror to elation

 

Herpes facts video

[havefaith427]

@inka I also to get very sensitive to jokes about herpes. And it sucks because before I got diagnosed I did too. And I am really sorry to everyone for that. It sucks to hear jokes about it and have people undermined those who do have it and think that just because someone has herpes that they are disgusting and a slut.... The jokes and stereotypes are what hurts me the most. The stereotype of anyone with any type of std is always that the person is nasty and easy. But I'm neither of those things. Ya know?

[Chinup]

I second that one, ladies!!!!

[WCSDancer2010]

@havefaith427

 

Regarding jokes:

 

Look - EVERYTHING has been the butt of a joke at some time or other. Blondes. Fat people. Pollacks. The President. Kids. You name it, there's a joke (or several hundred) for it. So why is it all of a sudden it's not OK to joke about Herpes. Yeah - some are uglier than others... but same goes for everything else that's joked about.

 

So try this on. Next time you hear a H joke, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!!! Realize that it's just a joke!!! Nothing more. If anything, WE should be able to come up with the best H jokes ... because we live with it (just as Rednecks like Jeff Foxworthy make up the best Redneck jokes and Gabriel Iglesias make the best Fat (er - Fluffy!) jokes ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[j_avalon]

Thank you so much to everyone, I am starting to feel a lot better. The jokes don't bother me, I know they don't mean anything by it when they say it. But this rejection hurt, deep. But I am starting to realize that this rejection was just a brick laid in the foundation of my strength. My conscious is clean and my heart is pure, and I mean how much more squeaky clean can you get than that as a person right! I'm starting to see this as a growing experience, and like u guys have said and I'm now realizing: there IS life after rejection, and this rejection had only brought me closer to the one who's right for me and who isn't too weak to see past the stigma. This was a lesson for me and I realize now that I won't be ready for a healthy relationship until I fully completely accept myself, and this is just part of that journey. Thank you everyone for your words of support. This forum has been a saving grace!

[j_avalon]

Still wrestling with the feeling desirable part, but that will come I'm sure :)

[WCSDancer2010]

Good for you! Make sure you read those posts on rejection... understanding the physiological aspect of it helped me a LOT!

 

And remember the Salesman's motto: Every No is just one step closer to a Yes. The Maybe's, the Indecisives, they just end up wasting your time. Thank those who say No ... for ANY reason. They have done you a favor; they are making way for the Yes ;)

[seeker]

joking about something makes it lose its power. remember all cultures had/have sacred clowns who have carte blanch to poke fun at everything, even the most sacred. its a leftover from our puritan founding's that we have this stigma and this seriousness.

 

as far as being easy and nasty, well no comment on the first and depends what your definition of nasty is..........

 

bah. I guarantee that there is someone right now who finds you desirable, he is just subtle about it.

 

 

[havefaith427]

@WCSDancer2010 that is very true. I never really looked at it like that. Thanks for the insight. My best friend and I do joke about it from time to time lol but we seriously joke about everything! lol!!! Our

[willow]

Maybe my pist from a while back will help a bit?

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3877/fear-and-power#Item_4