My herpes disclosing dilemma...and the Amazing ending!

[Pepper471]

So I am recently single after 6 1/2 years of being in a relationship and am new to having to disclose my condition and having the talk. I have thought about when, how and what to say but I am still worried that no matter how I say it or where I say it the stigmatism for most will overpower my words. I also am not sure if I will be able to handle actually giving this to someone else even if they are willing to take that chance. I am worried it will just cause me a considerable amount of guilt.

 

Well, here is my current dilemma...

 

I met T only a week a ago and we hit it off right away and I was comfortable with him. The first time we were together I was very persistent that my pants were to stay on. The second date we went a little further- I was not imagining all the way-but he was. It happened pretty quickly...So fast he didn't even grab a condom, which surprised the crap out of me. I said "I don't think this is a good idea" and he said "It's ok" and then it was basically over. I played it off like I was alright, which I was except for the guilt about not having the talk yet. He went away for the weekend so I tried to plan a meeting with him to tell him but due to our schedules it wasn't plausible. I told him that I have something important to tell him and he asked if he should be worried, which my reply was no you shouldn't worry. I feel like I am lying, even though I had all intentions to tell him before we took it that far. Now I am worried he will be upset that he wasn't informed beforehand. TO break the news I was thinking of asking that until we both get tested for STDs and until then we really can't have sex, that way I will know about him too. But then again is that still hiding that fact I already know? I am very conflicted right now and any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[mr_hopp]

The way you talk about this, it seems like you were some sort of a victim of his wants and desires. It sounds like you didn't give yourself any power to say no or insist that he use a condom (which is also exposing you to whatever other STDs he might have that he might not be telling you about, too, keep in mind). Where were you in all of this? It sounds like you lost yourself somewhere in here.

[Pepper471]

Honestly, when I rerun this episode in my head I wonder to myself why didn't I say No more forcefully? I guess I was just taken aback by the whole thing I was speechless-I have never not used a condom with someone I had not known for a long period of time. Now I just feel like this whole issue is going to be hard to discuss, especially since afterwards I acted like it wasn't a big deal. I guess I will have to learn to lay down some ground rules next time...

[mr_hopp]

Yes, it might be hard to discuss and consider the two paths: Keeping it under wraps by not discussing it or mustering up the courage to discuss it. Which direction would have you feeling better about yourself in the long run? Our secrets end up eating us away inside. In my experience, this has been so true for me. When I have been honest, especially after messing up, I feel a freedom in that, regardless of the outcome.

[Pepper471]

I am planning on telling him that I have herpes when we see each other because I know it is the right thing to do. I like to think that I am an honest person and am sure that I will obsess about this until I get it off my chest. I guess I feel ashamed since I am disclosing this information after the fact and am also upset with myself for getting into this situation. But I think that this has been a good learning experience for me so that next time I do not have to have this guilt of omission. Thanks for your input I really appreciate it.

[Pepper471]

Tonight I finally had the chance to disclose my status to T. I had practiced what I was going to say for about a week now and was as ready I could ever be. I had already told him last week we needed to discuss something important, so he knew something was up. I started my talk explaining how I had planned to discuss this before we slept together but unfortunately that didn't happen. Then I said, "I have a skin condition and am a carrier for HSV also better known as herpes". I then proceeded to tell him about the statistics and that I am on medication to prevent transmission. To me I thought it was going horribly and that it was over but he looked at me and said yea I got it in my eye. I was astonished because having HSV-1 in your eye is very rare for an adult and usually only seen in children. On top of that it is dangerous as it can cause blindness. He explained his situation and how he has no idea where or how he got it but knew all about the statistics of HSV. Then he also told me that he dated someone for a year before they actually told him that they had H. He assured me he has been tested recently for STDs and only has HSV-1. Then he said, "So do you feel better now, I could tell it was really upsetting you" and he pulled me in to hug me. I explained that I had been upset because I am an honest person and don't like to hide things and felt that I had been lying by omission. He thanked me for being honest with him and that was basically it, we started chatting about other things and had sex again but this time WITH a condom.

 

I am still in shock about how this turned out, since we do not know each other that well I figured it was not going to be a risk he was willing to take. Even if this relationship ends up as nothing more than a few dates the whole experience has been eye opening for me. It has shown me that there are people out there that are not scared off by the word "herpes" and are willing to take a risk of possibly contracting the virus.

 

So to everyone out there worried about disclosing I would say it is soooo worth it. Now when I look at T I do not feel as if I am hiding anything and do not have to wonder how he will react when he finds out. I can now be myself and see if he likes me for me!

[mr_hopp]

Told ya so. ;) Nice work.

[lively]

Great work Pepper. Lots to learn from this situation. It's useful to know your boundaries before you get into a situation where you are not in charge of yourself. If you know you find it hard to speak up once it's obvious that the guy is assuming sex will happen, you need to state your boundaries early. No harm in progressing slowly to sex, it's often more connected that way....that's how most women prefer it. I know we have been trained to put everyone else's needs before ours, but that is changing....and you can change your part of it. You may find you are happier with yourself and becoming more confident with stating your needs to men. Only way for the relationship to be equal and to give the guy a chance to take care of you in the way he will want to, if he's worthy of you. I can hear the relief in your post!

[lelani]

Awesome! It's so hard when you go against your values and compromise your integrity. Not telling him and having sex wasn't the greatest but you did something about it, kicked your secret in the ass and found yourself again. It could have gone either way with his reaction...and I am so glad for you that it has gone the way it has. Enjoy this time and whatever happens in the future you know not to make the same mistake again...you are bigger than than H now :-)

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

This is waaaaayyyy cool. :)

 

So happy for you!!

 

Kristin