Can't stop obsessing over my rejection

[j_avalon]

I know I really need to just get over it, but I cannot stop obsessing and analyzing my rejection. At the time of disclosure he was very kind and said nothing but nice things, and we agreed to be friends and have even hung out once after. But he's basically gone ghost, I said I was hurt by his decision etc and he said friends don't act like hurt ex girlfriends and to stop projecting my emotions onto him and he won't put up with the poor me routine and that he gets this is hard for me but that he is just busy and to stop reading into it. But I can't help but consistently wonder what he thinks of me now. I feel like he thinks I'm disgusting. He's never said that but if we are quote on quote friends why does he all of a sudden have absolutely no time. Before I told him he would always make time for me. I constantly think maybe if I had waited longer to tell him it would have turned out different. Constantly wondering what he thinks of me. I feel inferior. Like I'm not good enough for him. Thinking about I probably don't even cross his mind and he's out dating other girls and I'm left here feeling embarrassed and regretting I ever even told him. How can I escape my own head and let it go and not let this rejection make me feel so bad about myself. I'm struggling to get past it and I should be stronger than this.

[mr_hopp]

Ready for a fascinating concept? :) You can't just "get over" something that you haven't fully felt. Analyzing isn't feeling either. Also, this isn't something you need to "figure out." Being gentle with yourself and allowing yourself to feel the pain is okay. Just don't beat yourself up over it. And nobody can make you feel inferior but yourself. :) Really, truly. If a reaction to anything in our lives makes us feel a certain way, it means that we have some beliefs about all those things being true on a certain level. Allow yourself to feel the truth of the situation. Are you all those horrible things you are imagining? Allow yourself to sink into the truth of what is. Allow yourself to be loved by you, not judged, not expected to be a certain way. Feelings will come. But those feelings and emotions, when felt from a place of self-acceptance and okayness, wash out the wound. It's a cleansing process. It's a process of healing.

 

And here's a recording I made with some friends from out H Opp community talking about the concept of rejection:

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3

[WCSDancer2010]

@j_avalon

 

(((HUGS))) friend!

 

"Rejection" is something we deal with every day .... and how we REACT is an automatic response that is both a primal response and a trained behavior. Primal because at one time, to be "rejected" by the tribe was a recipe for certain death, so it made people behave in a way that kept peace in the group even when it meant living in unhealthy conditions. Trained, because we have beliefs about ourselves that we have created throughout our lives about who we are and our "worthiness" to be accepted by others. So understanding that part of this is just a "normal" response that we go through may help you to get it that it's ok to be feeling what you are feeling.... AND, as @Adrial said, trying to run from the feelings won't help.

 

My feelings from what you wrote is that this man is not who you thought he was... or at least, is not who you WISH he was. I think sometimes we get the most angry/upset with a situation because it's not going how WE want it to ... because it shows us that we were fooling ourselves in the first place about the reality of who the person is or about something that we *hoped* would change.

 

This man is clearly telling you that he has moved on, and that he is NOT your friend. Period. He doesn't have the capacity or the desire to be able to patiently wait for you to process your hurt. So to put a twist on what he said, "Friends who are are ex-boyfriends don't treat the ex with such a lack of compassion and understanding" ;)

 

But I can't help but consistently wonder what he thinks of me now.

 

WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS???? He's your EX, my friend ... and he's NOT your friend. What matters, as @Adrial said, is that this is triggering some beliefs that you have about yourself. So, this is a beautiful opportunity for you to sit with yourself, to look at what you believe about yourself, ( I feel inferior. Like I'm not good enough for him.... I should be stronger than this. ) to realize that the VAST majority of all that negative stuff is untrue, and to allow you to love yourself without judgement.

 

I feel your pain. I've been there. I spent a YEAR getting over a guy who I now realize is SOOO not worthy of being in my life in that way ... wondering what *I* did wrong and ignoring the fact that this guy, while not being a "bad" person, is incapable of loving someone for more than a few years at best, who is always looking for greener grass. I've SEEN that behavior since then. It's helped me heal to know that what I believed (I'm not good enough, what can I do to make him love me, WHAT is WRONG with ME???) was not the issue ... the issue is, he was not the man I want/need in my life. That relationship started me on a (now) 10 year quest to keep learning and growing and becoming a better person. Until that time, I really only existed. Today, I am LIVING because I am so much more aware of who I am, what I want, and what is mine and what isn't in a relationship.

 

Perhaps this is YOUR catalyst to a life that you just plain can't see right now. Embrace it, feel it, and do the work you need to fall in love with YOURSELF friend ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hi @j_avalon,

 

I can certainly relate to the way you are feeling, and it's not an easy hurdle to overcome. I was in a similar situation upon being diagnosed and was offered a friendship as well. However, I chose not to be his friend, knowing it would probably hinder the healing process and also, it was a time that I needed to focus on me. When I read your story, I wondered why you chose to remain friends with him? It's almost as though you thought spending more time with him would convince him that you were worth it. I am sorry to say it, but the only person you need to convince of your own worthiness is you. As Adrial alluded, it seems like this relationship is just reflecting wounds that you already feel deep inside. The way you feel has nothing to do with him, but please recognize that the desire to want his attention and approval will not help you heal. There is something deeper here that you need to heal, and the first step is letting him go. I'm not going to tell you it's easy... Letting go of someone is immensely difficult, but "nothing is forever except change". People come in and out of our lives every day, some stay years, and others only fleeting moments, but each of them bring something. Be grateful for knowing him, and wish him all the love in the world; like you, he too deserves great love... and then, decide to let him go. It helped me to write him a letter, one that was all very positive and came from a very loving place in my heart, but ultimately said goodbye. I expected and received no response. That was step one. Step two was focusing on my own healing, and being awake in every moment. I still have days when I look back and wonder, but in those moments, I choose to 1- acknowledge those thoughts, 2- remind myself to live in the present, to be grateful for everything I have today, now, and 3- believe... believe that everything I am living and have lived through is preparing me for greater things to come. And step three is reading and learning from others' experiences. I am actively trying to understand how letting go, in many facets of my life, will benefit me and my journey. Here are two articles that I have stumbled across recently; they might help you too.

 

http://www.buddhanet.net/4noble14.htm

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Love-Yourself-Unconditionally-Deepak-Chopra-Advice

 

I'll also PM you some book suggestions that have helped me change my perception on the hurdles we encounter in life. And as a final thought, here are a few quotes I keep handy in moments of weakness:

 

-Control is rooted in fear. Let go.

-You only lose what you cling to.

- Sometimes endings we have been planning, come suddenly. The expected surprise. The timing of the universe if not ours to predict or understand. Therefore live a life of perpetual surrender. Be ever ready to let go.

-You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

 

I hope this helps... and if you ever need someone to chat with, or reach out too, please don't hesitate. Remember, one day at a time...

 

[dreamingofsomeone167]

Hi @j,

I too can relate to your feelings. I appreciate everything @adrial,@wsc, & @positively have said, it helps me process too. The comment "the desire to want his attention and approval will not help you heal" hit close to home. I disclosed, which in itself was a huge step forward for me, but I was disappointed to not have him want to continue a closer, physical relationship with me. He didn't ghost right away, but did eventually. I knew in my heart he wasn't the right person for me, but I wanted him to be for a while. I know that as a child of an alcoholic I seek out approval and to some degree don't like to be alone (although I am an introvert so it's kind of an oxymoron). I look at the relationship as one that came into my life for a reason and I wish him happiness. He helped me to get thru a disclosure, which I haven't had to do in over 20+ yrs (lost my husband to cancer in 2012), helped me re-discovery interests, to know that someone could be interested in me, and educate him. Yes, I still think about him like you think about you guy @j, but it's more of "wow, he really missed out on an awesome person". I have not dated since that disclosure in January because I am working on me, or as @adrial said "date yourself" to find out what you like and what makes YOU happy. I love dating myself and doing stuff with my girl friends. Wish you the best, you will get thru it. We are all here for you if you need support.