I don't know what to do...

[sickoflifelessons]

It's not that I was drinking, it's that I said I didn't want to have sex many, many, many times throughout the night - despite being drunk. I remember saying it over and over at every point: when we left the bar, while we were walking back to my place, before we went upstairs (I live in an apt building), before entering my apt, in my bedroom, on my bed, while he was trying to take my clothes off and I kept pushing his hands away. Every time I said, "no, we aren't having sex" and yet somehow, at some point, we did. The law in my state says the following:

 

at the time of the act of intercourse, oral sexual conduct or anal sexual conduct, the victim clearly expressed that he or she did not consent to engage in such act, and a reasonable person in the actor's situation would have understood such person's words and acts as an expression of lack of consent to such act under all the circumstances.

 

I believe, in my specific circumstances, that a reasonable person would have backed off way sooner. A reasonable person would not have pushed as far as this guy did to have sex with me. If nothing else, I feel very strongly about that.

 

I remember when we were walking back to my place he agreed that it was totally okay not to have sex, he just wanted to come back to sleep over - I didn't want to let him upstairs. He reassured me and promised me that there would be no sex. Yes, I was drunk. Yes, I made a mistake letting him come back to my apartment. But I still think that I was violated and taken advantage of.

 

I don't want to press charges on this guy. I don't think I have a case. But I do think he was wrong. My fear is the fact that sex happened against my ability to consent and provide the information about my H+ status. I have dated a lot of guys and I have been in unfortunate drunk situations before (not recently, but it's happened). I have NEVER, ever told a guy "I don't want to have sex" and had them push it any further than that. No means no. I do think he was in the wrong.

[CityofAngels]

@seeker

 

What the man in question did was completely abhorrent. Yet the likelihood that sickoflifelessons would prevail in court on a rape charge is unfortunately slim to none.

 

I say this because at this point there must be convincing evidence that the man in question raped you. Now, I and everyone else on here believe you. That is not the question. But the legal question centers not so much on what actually happened, as what you can prove happened in a court of law. Is there any physical evidence of a rape? Did you contact the police or go to a hospital after the rape? This is especially important in the hours after the offense in question, as the quality and quantity of evidence tends to deteriorate rapidly. If you were to press charges, the man would likely claim that the sex was entirely consensual, and it would come down to his word against yours. Moreover, he would likely claim that as evidence of your consent, you let him walk home with you and invited him into your apartment and even into your bedroom. Moreover, the fact that you were clearly intoxicated can work against you as well as for you: he might claim that you actually did consent to sex willingly and knowingly, that it is only because you were intoxicated that you don't remember doing so.

 

Seeker, I sympathize with your viewpoint. While I never believe that a woman is responsible for a rape--ever--and that "no" means "no"--always--unfortunately many women put themselves in compromising situations that make it all to easy for a man of malevolent intentions to take advantage of the woman. If you can grasp the concept of "increasing the likelihood" of an act, which does not imply a corresponding increase in responsibility for the rape, then you understand what I am trying to say. Sickoflifelessons is in no way responsible for the rape; yet it still stands that certain of her actions made it much easier for that rape to happen (getting severely intoxicated, inviting the man up to her apartment and into her bedroom, laying on the bed, etc.).

 

 

[sickoflifelessons]

I never said I wanted to press charges. I understand that I can't prove he raped me, although I do think that he at least assaulted me.

 

My fear is him pressing charges against me.

[seeker]

@ sickoflifeslessons I doubt he is in any position to press charges against you. even if he did it would be unprovable and then you could counter sue. most of those laws about STIs were written with HIV and serial transmitters in mind. he would need proof that he did not have it before meeting you and unless he has several tests right up to the point of your liason a good lawyer would blow him out of the water. chances are he has already slept with someone else and it could have been her who gave it to him. id do what dancer said, text a message saying he took advantage of you then tell him, he may be out spreading it around and if you tell him and he sleeps with one other woman after he could never go after you. and tell him his crap will be in a bus station locker.

 

@ cityofangels I too believe that no means no I however understand the cultural myth as man as pursuer and his persistence paying off, hell every married man knows that. I also understand ( unfortunately many in our society don't) the difference between fault and responsibility. best example I can think of. if you are hit while driving you may not be at FAULT but you are responsible for putting yourself in that spot at that moment. you chose the time of departure and the route, 1 minutes difference and no accident, one turn different no accident.

 

back to reasonable person, is anyone who is three sheets to the wind reasonable? alcohol and logic don't mix very well.

[sickoflifelessons]

I think if he was really that wasted he would have passed out like I did. Alcohol and logic may not mix very well but being drunk is not an excuse for a lot of things. If you get drunk and get behind the wheel of a car, you can definitely get arrested. The law expects a reasonable person to not drive when they are drunk. If you get drunk and cheat on someone, they're usually not very forgiving...

 

I talked to my sister about it and told her the whole story and she says it sounds like he was planning on having sex with me from the beginning. I didn't think of it this way but in hindsight, it sort of makes sense:

 

1. He told my friend she could go home because he would take care of me (this is the first time I said to him, "don't think you're going to come home with me, I'm not having sex tonight.") At that point, both of them acknowledged that I was really drunk enough for them to be worried about me.

 

2. He left the bar with me and said he was going to walk me home. I told him I didn't want him to come home with me so he said he would just walk around with me until I sobered up more and it was safe to go by myself (in hindsight, he should have just put me in a cab. I live in NYC).

 

3. While we were walking around he kept saying he lived too far away and he just wanted to come home with me, but we didn't have to have sex. I said, I didn't believe him and that I really didn't want to have sex and I had to "look out for myself" (I did a good job of that, huh?)

 

4. He sat me down (on the filthy sidewalk) and told me he really liked me and he wanted "this" to go somewhere and he really didn't care if we had sex or not, he just wanted to sleep over so he could spend more time with me.

 

5. I asked him to promise there would be no sex. He did. I let him walk me back to my place (yes, this was a huge mistake). Saying over and over that we weren't going to have sex and he kept reassuring me and promising me there would be no sex.

 

6. As soon as we got back to my apartment, he started making out with me hard core and trying to get my clothes off. I pushed his hands away and sat up and said, "DUDE, I was not kidding about not having sex!" (yes, I remember this part and I remember saying "DUDE") and he said, "fine, fine, do you have a condom though, just in case?" and I said I did not have condoms (even though I did, from my last boyfriend) and to just stop thinking about the sex because it wasn't happening.

 

7. We lay down and were just kissing, then I fell asleep. This is where it all gets fuzzy.

 

8. I woke up and we were both naked. He was kissing my neck. I remember starting to kiss him and saying again that we couldn't have sex. I don't remember what he said or what really happened at that point. I remember lying down and not really being able to move. Not a lot makes sense after that point and somehow we did start having sex. He didn't finish. He proceeded to finger me really hard even though I kept asking him to stop because he was hurting me. Then he finally fell asleep, I fell asleep and he left like 2 hours later.

 

Now, maybe I can't prove any of this, but I do think he realized how drunk I was and took advantage of the situation, even though I said over and over that I didn't want to have sex.

 

In any case, I hope he's already slept with someone else. I kind of doubt it, but maybe that's just because I'm so afraid of how this could ruin my life even more.

 

I already decided I'm not returning the bag to him. If he asks for it I will tell him I can mail it to him or drop it off somewhere.

[sickoflifelessons]

I also just want to say again that I am NOT vindictive or litigious. I don't even want anything to do with this guy anymore. I'm not trying to build a case. My worry is that I was put in a situation where I was not able to disclose my herpes status before having sex. Since that has been one of my biggest concerns since I was diagnosed, this has been a huge burden for me to try and come to terms with. I believe that my insane guilt over that is what is making me jump to worst-case-scenario conclusions, however, perhaps these conclusions are warranted. You all seem to think they are somewhat far fetched so I hope you are right and I do take some comfort in that.

 

[forgivenessandpeace]

oh my gosh @sickoflifelessons I'm so so sorry this happened to you :'-(((((

 

[willow]

Im sure all of us know how to swing a bat. If this fucker even tries to press charges, we'll all be there for you.

[CityofAngels]

@seeker

 

Well said. I think there is an important life lesson to draw from this: do not under any circumstances put yourself in a situation that increases the likelihood that something dangerous will happen. Easier said than done, but a lesson that can help people avoid a lot of unnecessary heartache and legal trouble.

[whitedaisies]

Listen, I was with a guy and he had quite a bit to drink. I told him several times thy I didn't want to have sex. He totally respected it and he never pushed me any further than I wanted to go and was a perfect gentlemen despite being drunk

 

This guy was an asshole and that's it!!!