My Lowest Point

[Tryingtoheal]

I found out the news Monday sitting at my desk at work and I have been in a fog ever since. I was infected the Monday before Thanksgiving. By Saturday, I was sick as a dog experiencing what I know now was my first outbreak. The guy who infected me has not been supportive at all. All I do is cry and walk around in a fog. When does this get better? Will I ever get better? My mind has been taking me to some dark places lately and I know I need to get out of this funk but I am unsure as to HOW.

[mr_hopp]

Know that the only way out is through. Stay connected with yourself and to us. Know that this too will pass. The scariest part of this is leaving yourself in the dust. Don't do that. Have this be an opportunity to even more deeply connect with yourself ... Start to look at all the assumptions you might be making about what having herpes means to you and the rest of your life and realize that most of those assumptions are stigmatized guesses at best. Know that you are still beautiful and lovely. And worth it. Deeply, deeply worth it. You know that. And the more you know that, the less having herpes will affect you. I remember that fog. And now my life is more rich and alive than I ever could have thought. Not because of herpes, but because of who I discovered myself to be in the face of something I thought was a dead end. There are no dead end things in life. Only dead end thinking. Powerful to remember. And so true. Much love and big hugs.

 

P.S. If you are interested in coming to the Herpes Opportunity Weekend Seminar, please let me know and we can talk about it. http://thehopp.com

[Lisa]

Hello Trying to Heal.... I feel for you. I have gone through just what you describe here. I have been to those dark places as well. Not just once - but many times. It's not a good place to be. Reflect on who you are - and not on just the herpes. Things will get better and easier as each day goes by. Your not alone -so keeping talking on here. It's a good venue to vent.... You will be fine. I attended the the Herpes Opportunity weekend with Adrial and it was fantastic! I encourage you to attend... go ahead and sign up. You won't be disappointed :-) Sending good energy your way!

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

Trying to heal....sending you so much love.

 

Take good care of yourself right now. I am so sorry your giver isn't being supportive. Read my story. I really understand.

 

Feel free to message me if you need to ask questions you aren't ready to ask on the boards, OK? I'm here.

 

You're gonna get through this.

 

Much love,

Kristin

aka breathe

[Tryingtoheal]

I appreciate your kind words. Especially from people who know what this is like. I can't even really express how I feel. I almost feel like a part of me has been damaged or broken and I'm not me anymore. I have a close friend who was diagnosed 2 years ago, and I supported her when she found out. I'm not a judgmental person, but it is always different when it is YOU. This is my life. I'd never even had an STD before this. He gave me 2. I'm just really, really angry. Mostly at myself. And I'm trying to figure out how to go day by day when all I see when I look at myself is herpes. I have herpes. I will have it until I die.

[mr_hopp]

Tryingtoheal, I hear you. I remember feeling the same way. The big assumption there was that since I will have herpes for the rest of my life that I will feel the same about having it for the rest of my life, too. That was dead wrong. ;) The fact that you have herpes will not change. Your RELATIONSHIP to having herpes (how you feel about it, the thoughts you have about it, how it actually ends up affecting your life) changes dramatically as you grow and realize deep things about yourself.

[NSgreenville]

Tryingtoheal,

 

I recently found out I was herpes positive as well. I know the feeling of your giver not being supportive. Mine left my house immediately and moved across the state. I also know the feeling of hating myself because I "let" this happen. Just know you're not alone in any way, shape or form. The people here have been crucial to my mental health the last week. Reach out to any of us.

 

Nick

[Tryingtoheal]

Nick-

Thanks for that. This has just been such a struggle and I'm trying to make sense of this thing. The rational part of me knows I am very fortunate. This could be the big H and not the little one. My first outbreak was relatively painless. Honestly the worst part was feeling like I had the flu. I only had one cut instead of lesions all over and it has actually vanished without a trace. I'm just so amazed that this jerk has come in and completely changed my life and he is lying. About everything. The saddest part is, while I loved him, he didn't love me and I knew it. And now everything is so different for me and he can't even be a friend. It isn't a good feeling at all. I just wonder if, when I'm ready, who is going to want me with this? Are my outbreaks going to get worse? Will my body become dependent on the Valtrex? Just a million questions. I just don't know but I desperately want to be the silly person I was before. I experienced my first herpes joke today at work. I casually mentioned that chicken pox, shingles and cold sores are all caused by herpes. That shut that down! I had to mentally high five myself! I'm trying. I'm fighting. My mom told me this morning that I'm stronger than I think, but I'm just really really afraid.

[NSgreenville]

You seem like you know what/how to do to help turn this into a positive. The hard part is letting yourself do it. I am constantly looking for answers to my questions as well. There are times where I remember I am still the same person I was before, in a way it was a wake up call that my lifestyle put me in this position and while I could blame myself, I'd much rather look at it as a new obstacle. I keep reminding myself that. But like most cases your mom is right, you are stronger than you think. And its ok to be afraid. Just know you don't have to be afraid alone. Have a great Sunday.

 

Nick