Facing My Fears.

[golddust086]

Hello, it seems like it's been a while, but it kinda hasn't been. I get on every now and then and see what's going on, but I haven't had much to say. I think the last time I wrote on here it really made feel so depressed and I knew at that point that I needed to heal my soul because it literally felt like I had an Easy A across my forehead and I just couldn't deal with the judgement. NOT ON THIS SITE, you guys are awesome, but from my family and feeling all the guilt and shame..it just got the best of me. Lately, I have been relaxing and becoming more educated on all of this and honestly, not thinking about it too much and it feels great. I know it's there, I was tested and yes, it is HSV, but I just have been spending more time with friends and surrounding myself with my books and teas and I actually started to write songs again which I hadn't done in such a long time. So, I guess you can say, I feel like I'm rediscovering who I am and what I want. My family is still ehhh, whatever that means, but I think the look of pity sums up how they feel which to me has now just made turn the other cheek and walk away from the situation even if they say they are supportive, ummm, no. The look on their faces says enough so I can't change that; it comes with the territory now and I see it. I have printed out as much information as I possibly can and on Christmas Break I'm going to go distribute these little pamphlets that I've been working on to any local facilities that do blood work, Planned Parenthood, OBGYN'S...anywhere...college campuses as well during Spring Semester. I am also going to see if I can hold some sort of conference by the end of Spring Semester to raise awareness. It was too late to hold anything this semester especially with graduation coming up. It's not as easy I thought it would be. I even spoke to the person who I contracted it from and he didn't want to talk about it. It doesn't seem like it shocks me anymore...HSV is just not talked about. When I went to get tested they checked my vitals and I said, I would like to be tested for HSV 1 and 2 and when the dr. came in she gave me a breast a exam and all this other stuff and I said I would like to be tested for HSV 1 and 2 and she says, "OH, you still want to be tested for it?" Ugh, people do not talk about this enough and it is so annoying so my determination is still here. But all and all, I've relaxed a lot. I keep it mind and let my good intentions speak for themselves because honestly I know I am going to have this as a label to define me now, but I know it's not who I am, but a part of me. And I finally started eating whatever I want again and I think I've gained all my weight back considering I had shed whatever skin and bones I had hanging on here. But I feel pretty good right now and I'm doing my best to stay in this little happy place. I hope everyone else is trying too. I know it hurts at times physically and mentally, but they are right, it gets better day by day and you just have to forgive yourself or whatever person and yes, face this fear because no, it's not going away. I've decided to try to get out of that dark place. I'm not attractive when I'm angry ANYWAYS;P I think of all the things I liked as a child when I think of HSV; rainbows, skipping, and Rocky Road Ice Cream... then I eat :) and occasionally work out. lol So, I hope everyone faces their fear of this because you need to in order to be happy and feel better. So smile and relax today :D

[mr_hopp]

I'm so so so so proud of you for being courageous and insisting on making Truth more powerful than stigma. Inspiring. This is the path of the wounded healer. When what you find inside is stronger than whatever fears reside "out there," that is freedom.

 

Here's to what already feels like a powerful and solid path that you're carving out for yourself. Let me know if you need any support. I'm here for you.

 

And feel free to pass out our handouts, too, so people can have a supportive community to come to if they're feeling lost.

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Beautifully said Goldust... thank you for sharing your strength and words of hope... And glad to hear that you are seeing the light after all of this. You deserve all the happiness and love in the world, keep writing those songs... it will heal you. Lots of love.

[WCSDancer2010]

Love this! And thank you for taking it upon yourself to get info out there ... if we all did that, if everyone printed out the handouts and left them in the places where people can read them and learn, you never know just how many people you may help to educate. ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[golddust086]

Thanks so much everyone. It feels like a sigh of relief more and more everyday because I'm figuring out who I am and who people really are and as disappointing as that can be, I'm looking to the future. I know this will be so helpful to the growing population of where I live. Hopefully, I can try to power on and get people motivated to actually talk about this. I think it's about that time and hey, I had no idea about hsv and the shock alone is paralyzing, but after finding out about different resources such as this site; the numbers scare me a little bit about how many people have it and don't even know. And they think they are tested for it, ummmm, no no no. It's about that time. I do have a question, do you get tested for everything when you're pregnant??? I know they do blood work and check for "everything" but does that include HSV?

[WCSDancer2010]

I think that the protocol for testing will be different from one Dr or hospital to another ... but my guess would be that they don't test for it because otherwise there would be a lot of freaked out pregnant women out there... at a time when they are already struggling with hormones and such.... so unless they have a suspected lesion, I'm pretty sure they don't test :(