Everything was so perfect! Why did I have to tell him I have herpes?

[LostandConfused324]

Well this is my second time asking for support and positive reinforcement, because right now I am feeling like a piece of garbage in his eyes. I think I have lost him. We met in Dec. dated all through the holidays, he spent time with my family, we were inseparable for two weeks. Then he had to deploy for a month. He's pretty high ranking, works with the Admiral in the military, so we were able to text from the ship everyday, all day long while he was gone. The texts, got hot, and we knew that we would finally have sex when he returned. I had not allowed sex to happen the first two weeks. I wanted to know him better. Well, he flew home early off the ship, to surprise me. It was an awesome homecoming. Wine, appetizers, alot of kissing and cuddling. As it got hotter, I finally said, "I need to tell you something". When I told him, he said, "ok, what does that mean? I don't know anything about it." So I told him, and said we would need a condom. He said, "ok, do you have a condom? we were at my place, and he said, "are you ready to get naked? So we had amazing sex for an hour and a half. Well worth the wait. I thought to myself, wow, and I worried for nothing.

 

Well, the next morning we got up for work, and I could tell, he was distant. The wine had wore off I guess, and he realized what was said, that he agreed too. I text him on the interstate as I always do and got no text from him all day. My worst fears started coming true. He finally text me that evening, and said he had a bad headache, but would be over in an hour. He came over, I cooked, he studied, and he was distant. We normally cant keep our hands off each other. He wouldn't touch me, kissed me with a peck. We finally went to bed, and he did spoon me. And I asked him, what was wrong? He said, nothing. I said, I know better. He said, I just need time to process everything that happened last night. My heart dropped. He didn't hug me all night, or even get on my side of the bed. I woke for work at 5am, after not sleeping all night, because my heart was burning. I got dressed quietly, grabbed my laptop and wrote him an email, and attached the pamphlets you have online. So he could read and understand that his risk isn't as bad as him choosing to have unprotected sex with women. Which now I know he does. So, tonight after work, I came home and he has taken his 20 movies, and his bottle of wine. Wow, I am so hurt, what a stab in the heart. He told me he's mentally exhausted, and will come over tomorrow. I text him and said, I can't believe you took your stuff, do you not have plans of seeing me anymore?" He said, "that's not why I brought them back here." And I sent him a picture of the new Karaoke setup I just spent $145 on to surprise him, that just came in today. I was trying to set it up before he got home Sunday, but he flew off the boat 4 days early. I'm just so lost AGAIN, HURTING AND FEELING WORTHLESS. I don't think I'm ever going to disclose to anyone again. EVER! He's leaving again, in a month for a 8 month deployment, and we were going to keep in touch daily and try to continue our relationship next Dec. however, I think I've ruined that. {I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to stay single for those 8 months without a commitment, because he's not even divorced yet) Yes, the plot thickens. Just slap me!! I should have just used condoms, and not told him. I ruined everything!!!!

[WCSDancer2010]

Honey... don't you see??? He's not ready for any kind of commitment. His divorce isn't finalized. He's out at sea with no women for months ... and while he didn't rush you, his behavior is sooo typical of a man who was wanting to get INTO you ... not a man who was INTO you??? Understand??? He returned horny as hell, and would have had sex without a condom (from what you say) which means he's really not considering his health...OR YOURS .... so you don't know his real intent but I'm guessing he's rebounding (talking from voice of experience here... TWICE!!!) ... both the guys I had a similar experience with did the same thing ... acted like everything was great, had sex, and THEN stopped to consider things.

 

The way he is acting, he doesn't even have the balls to sit down with you and talk ... he ran back to the ship. Do you REALLY want this guy in your life? Someone who runs at the first difficulty? Who doesn't even have an adult conversation with you?

 

You did the right thing telling him. If he ran that easily, do you think he would have stayed if you had sex with him and he eventually found out? I don't think so. You didn't ruin everything.... HE just showed you who he is. Herpes has acted as your Wingman and you should be grateful.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting, but honest chica, this sounds like you dodged a bullet. You can't see that now, but hopefully as you get through the next few days you will start to understand... check these links out to see that you are not alone ... and how these women realized that Herpes did them a favor when the guy left ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

 

[Beachdude1984]

I've got to agree with Dancer here, 100%. Well said. If he can't accept you now, what makes you think that he would have accepted you 8 months from now? You saved 8 months of your life by disclosing now, the way I see it. I know you are heart-broken now, but you will get through this. You will be smitten again, and disclose again. Probably several more times, at least, until you find "the one." I'm almost 31, single, never married, and have been through the process numerous times myself. 5 years from now you probably won't even be able to remember his name. It stinks today, but you will pull through.

 

By the way, I'm not sure how old you are, and maybe this was a good lesson, but I can tell you from experience that dating someone whom is married/separated/newly divorced is an extremely unpredictable and possibly volatile situation, and I would advise you to proceed with extreme precaution in the future if you find yourself becoming involved with someone of that marital status again.

[fitgirl]

@beachdude1984 and @LostandConfused.... I concur with beachdude, a life lesson.... rebound can be an uphill battle regardless of herpes. Try to remember that virtually ALL of our issues have nothing to do with herpes. Herpes is just the litmus test, its our filter. Chances are good that most of the relationship issues faced on this forum would be the same issues in out lives anyway they would just have a different name and different face. True character surfaces eventually, herpes just speeds up the process :)

[sickoflifelessons]

I should have just used condoms, and not told him.

 

I know this sounds like a good idea...and I know we've probably all had this feeling/impulse, but remember there is always a risk of passing it on, even with condoms (I got it from protected sex), and I think that ultimately, if you had had sex with a condom and not told him, you would ended up beating yourself up over it anyway.

 

Also, I have to agree with the others about what this guy was looking for. I have had this experience a few too many times with guys I dated in my pre-H life. We would date for a a couple of weeks. Things would be going really well..we'd meet each other's friends, he would be over-the-top crazy about me, and we'd finally have sex maybe 3 weeks to a month in (that's usually the progression anyway), and almost immediately after having sex (or maybe in the first week or two after having sex) he'd grow distant, pull away, and it would end. And this was before I had H. It happened with three guys, and it killed me every time.

 

To me, it sounds like this is what happened to you, albeit the circumstances were a bit different since he was deployed. And while it's completely heartbreaking, it doesn't sound to me like it has to do with the herpes. I think you are preoccupied with that because sharing that with him made you vulnerable, but I think his actions would have been the same whether you had herpes or not. The only difference is that if you didn't have herpes, maybe you'd be able to see what a jerk he is being.

 

And, even if it *was* the herpes that made him have second thoughts, he is not behaving in a way that a decent guy would behave. A decent guy wouldn't disappear after having sex with you. He would be able to face you, and not resort to taking his things from your home while you weren't there and then cowardly texting you. It hurts now, and I know that immediately post break up I can never see my ex's flaws, but I hope that in time you will realize that you deserve far better than someone who treats you like that.

[MissModular]

Don't beat yourself up about something you cannot control. The same week (this past July) I was diagnosed with HSV-2, I met someone I thought was special. After several weeks of dating and no sex, I told him that I had HSV-2 and he said that his male best friend had caught it and he really liked me so he didn't see that as "a big deal" and that he would move at the pace that I was comfortable with. I gave him links to all the wonderful resources on this site. He said he we would "get through everything together" and he was so sweet and caring. We dated from July until right before Christmas 2014, regularly having vaginal and oral sex (unprotected his choice).

 

I was over the moon. A man I really connected with and had strong feelings for was in my life after a year of difficult dating. And then, out of nowhere for no reason at all, he dumped me (I had met his mother and spent time with his kids even). I was (am) broken hearted and now I'm back to worrying about having to have the discussion once again when I'm dating someone seriously in the future.

 

But as others said, he wasn't ready for commitment and doesn't sound like your guy was either. Don't blame it on your disclosure. There are all kinds of reasons why men or women pull away. I think mainly it is a fear of intimacy (emotional not sex). Some people cannot take emotional intimacy and therefore opt for a series of superficial relationships. Stay strong and continue to love yourself -- it so important! I am optimistic that I will find the person that will "stick". I recognize that I must tell future partners.

[LostandConfused324]

Thank you all for your responses. @WCSDancer2010 You definitely hit the nail on the head. You always are blunt and to the point. You made me feel so much better about this situation and myself last night. I thought I would spend the night crying and feeling so lost. Instead, I see him in such a different way now. I agree, I don't think he even has any plans to divorce his wife. It's been 2 years, and it was military deployments and infidelity on his part that caused the marriage to end. I feel he is still holding onto hope, and that I was just another stepping stone to hold him over in between deployments.

 

Looking at it, I do still feel like I did the right thing. I just wish I could have done it without him being intoxicated. Then we might not have made it to the bed, and I wouldn't have had the immediate emotional attachment which hurts my heart. But him just returning from a month without wine, it was a given, that we'd start drinking and become intimate immediately. So, there was no time to bring this up.

 

I'm sure in his mind, he's looking at his career and thinking that as a Commander, he could not possibly ever go and ask to be tested for a STD. Especially when everyone, knows he's still married. However, in my opinion, like I plan on telling him today, he's obviously put himself at risk for these 2 years, by having unprotected sex with women. I'm not stupid. I guess he just doesn't get that part. Maybe this will wake him up, to stop sleeping around, and always use condoms in his future endeavors.

 

And @Beachdude1984, I'm 50 and have had HSV-2 for 2 years now. @sickoflifelessons, I totally agree with you, been there done that as well. It sucks. @MissModular, I'm so sorry, I know it hurts, and I am optimistic and know that there is someone out there for us. I couldn't feel better today without all this love and support. I actually woke up this morning feeling better then I thought, thanks to this site and the amazing people on here.

[WCSDancer2010]

Instead, I see him in such a different way now. I agree, I don't think he even has any plans to divorce his wife. It's been 2 years, and it was military deployments and infidelity on his part that caused the marriage to end. I feel he is still holding onto hope, and that I was just another stepping stone to hold him over in between deployments.

 

Looking at it, I do still feel like I did the right thing. I just wish I could have done it without him being intoxicated. Then we might not have made it to the bed, and I wouldn't have had the immediate emotional attachment which hurts my heart. But him just returning from a month without wine, it was a given, that we'd start drinking and become intimate immediately. So, there was no time to bring this up.

 

Glad you are feeling better!!! (((HUGS)))

 

However... he cheated on his wife... so life lesson #1: Past behavior is indicative of likely future results.

 

Life lesson #2: It was NOT a given that he had to get drunk and immediately get intimate. YOU need to take control of your sexual wellness ... which means that YOU set the boundaries for who gets access to your body and when. *Especially* in the early stages of a relationship... all you had to do was to make him sit down before the second glass of wine and tell him you needed to talk. I know it's hard when you've been apart and all you want is to be held and loved. Believe me ... I get it. We need to have that conversation (the STD conversation) BEFORE the booze and hormones get involved (And this holds true with or without Herpes!!!) .. Hell, that's how most of us got this darned virus ... we didn't stop long enough to have the adult conversation (and preferably verification of status) around STD's ... right???? ;)

 

 

 

 

[LostandConfused324]

Very true. We've talked since Wednesday. He tells me that it took me 18 months to come to terms with this. How is he supposed to come to terms with it so quickly? I told him to stop acting like he has the virus. I DID THE RIGHT THING! I was honest and disclosed this to him. I'm sorry his intoxication and penis caused him to say, OK, lets do it! Then the next day have regrets and try to make me feel like a monster. Since all of this after posting my status of feeling "lost and confused" on FB, my friends immediately knew it was him. Any one acquaintance stepped up to the plate, and gave me an earful. She said, that she and another girl had got in a heated fight over him just a month before he met me. She told me that he is a Playboy, and not to be trusted. So, I confronted him as to why he would allow me to post our pics on FB when my city is so small, and I've lived here my entire life, and he's still married? He again, denied being this Playboy, tried to discredit the inseparable relationship that we were building on for 6 plus weeks, and told me that he totally respected me in not allowing him to have sex with him the first two weeks before deployment. Although he said we were boyfriend/girlfriend status. Constantly contradicting himself.

 

He's playing this victim card, and says he's have severe anxiety over this entire situation. I told him, that he never once had considered my feelings, and said, "I'm sorry you have this and have to deal with this the rest of your life" I did tell him, that my sex life is not over, I will have a normal health sex life with condoms, with the right man, who loves me, has my best interest at heart, and chooses to educate himself. He's obviously just thinking of himself here in my opinion. I told him honesty is the key, and I have been 100 percent open and honest with him about every aspect of my life. I don't feel like he has.

 

He told me when we originally met, we were just going to be friends, which was true. Then why is he treating me like I have the plaqe now? He won't answer my calls now. He has the key to my condo, and I have some of his things. I don't know what to do. I'm having a hard time with this, and making the first move to just text him to end it. I just want to snuggle up with him and hold him again. What is wrong with me? I can't sleep at night. My heart hurts.

[WCSDancer2010]

Why on EARTH would you want to be with a pathological liar who doesn't give two shits about how his behavior is hurting YOU??? Your friends have given you proof that he's a player. Time to change the locks and put his shit on the porch friend :)

[LostandConfused324]

I won't be changing the locks. He came over last night to give me my key and I gave him his stuff. We talked and cried for over an hour. He disclosed something to me that was heart wrenching. And I do believe him. He was sexually molested by a foster kid that his parents brought into their home when he was 8 years old, and he has kept this burden a secret from his parents his entire life. He's been through therapy, and feels like it is the reason for his infidelity, and for some of the poor choices he has made in his life, in reaching out to women for sexual acceptance. He had planned to tell his father, whom he doesn't really have a great relationship with anyway, during the holidays, but his father had a heart attack. Now, he's leaving on another 8 month deployment and will have to hold this burden in until next Christmas, when he had just finally gotten the courage up to tell his parents. I am now only one of 3 people he has told his story too, his wife being one of them. Yes, it tugged at my heart strings. And yes, he apologized a million times for hurting me, making me feel less then adequate, and just said, that I deserved better then him. As much as I DO want him in my life as a friend, it does hurt, and it is for the best for us to just part ways. I do deserve a man that I can trust, and that wants me for me. All of me. And that won't run when I disclose something so important, but one that will pull me closer and tell me, everything will be ok. We cried, we held each other, I got my closure, and we said our goodbyes. I don't like hating anyone. That's just me. He looked a wreck, like me. He looks like he hasn't slept in days, and that's so unlike this happy man. I haven't slept in 4 days or been able to eat a normal meal. I hope this pain subsides.....

[WCSDancer2010]

Well I'm glad that you had the talk - and I'm a great believer that people come into your life for a reason ... sometimes to bring you a message, sometimes for you to give them a message. The fact that he opened up to you is HUGE for him ... and it was YOUR ability to be vulnerable to him that gave him that space. So while it hurts you right now, know that you have actually given him a gift ... to be able to talk to someone about something that is causing him pain and shame. He will be feeling as "alone" in his pain as everyone on here does when they are diagnosed. Perhaps you can send him the video below .... it has such a powerful message about how we harm ourselves by keeping our pain to ourselves.

 

He obviously is not in a place to be in any kind of relationship right now ... and he needs to clean up his marriage (one way or another).... but he needs a LOT more therapy and time before he will be in a place to love anyone ... INCLUDING himself ;(

 

So now, give yourself time to grieve..... don't jump back in the dating pool. Have some time for yourself..... we are here to support you through this.....

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Kirsty Spraggon Ted Talk “You are only as Sick as Your Secrets