Having a hard time being happy

[Getbetter111]

This has me in a really bad place. I have lost my spunk don't feel like myself when I'm around friends or anytime.had a falling out with a few good friends before this happened so that's tuff to add in the mix.I went to therapist one time and have tried to get my wife to go but has not had the time.I know you have a choice to be happy but how can you just snap out of it?i keep looking back at all the messed up stuff I was doing and just feels like I had all of this coming to me. I was at the highest point in my life being a new dad that's why I feel so down I should just be just thankful my lil one is heathy and my wife still loves me somehow . For some reason I was acting like idiot and thinking that I could just go get some strange and everything would stay the same.my eye has been twitching for the past 3 days not sure what that's about all the moping around or looking at this phone four months on end or H ? Thanks for feedback. Sorry just a really bad place.

[Sil88]

Me too man, feels like the bad place is a chemical symptom, comes and goes. I can list off about 10 things like your eye twitch (but not that), which *could* be herpes but probably not. Can you try not to dwell on the bad shit you might deserve and instead think about the reasons your wife loves you, the good things you've done and why life gave you a healthy child? You're probably still making first impressions on him, they count for a lot so lift your head up, keep breathing and force a smile until it sticks! Speaking of which, I find if you literally point your head slightly upwards, it gives you a slight pick-up.

[whitedaisies]

Ok. So I read your posts....you are struggling so terribly....I do too.....it's been a year, I am getting better.

 

Coming from someone who has been where you are, you absolutely need to get on antidepressant medication. You also need regular therapy without your wife, on your own so you can sort trough stuff. In time everything will get better. It is a process and u can't rush it or get impatient.

 

Your wife still loves you, you have a son, work on forgiving yourself and healing. You are punishing yourself terribly. You have to stop that for your own health.

 

Yor eye twitching is likely stress.

 

Commit to yourself!!! Commit to the journey of healing you. Ok herpes sucks! Really sucks!!! You had a transgression, you made a mistake, use it to learn about yourself and help you get the life you want.

 

I really wish you good luck. I sincerely do.

 

Hugs

[Getbetter111]

Thank you both so much I am trying just can't seem to get back to happy place!

[whitedaisies]

I know and that's why you need help beyond this forum.

 

I am doing it. I am on meds and in therapy and even though I get frustrated sometimes with slow progress, I am not giving up. I still struggle but I don't want to end up miserable....so I am doing everything I can think of.

 

I really think you need more professional support.

 

Hugs

[Sil88]

@whitedaisies serious question, what exactly do the professionals teach you?

[whitedaisies]

I don't know what you mean.

 

Could you be more specific?

[whitedaisies]

Well in my personal experience, when your mind I spinning like I think @Getbetter111 is, my mean you need help through meds to help you focus. Sounds to me like he is depressed and may need antidepressants. It helps still te mind from spinning and then easier to focus on his journey. So that you need a professional psychiatrist to assess you to determine which medication is needed or if you need meds at all.

 

Ten once the meds take affect, your mind will become clearer and it helps one assess their situation without the drastic ups and downs of emotion. Therapy helps with that. I see a psychotherapist twice a week. I had a lot of diagnosis issues (still ongoing btw) and my body reacted very badly to te virus w chronic fatigue and post viral syndrome. I had lots of nerve pain everywhere and no sores. It was hard to diagnose and my therapist just was there to listen to me and support me in the humiliation of constant dr appts and constant testing and uncertainty as well as my emotional struggle. Half of her patients were from people who had medical issues so she was experienced in how to handle me.

 

I am assuming you are dealing w guilt from the affaire, and a kind of "how did I get here" and what's my life going to be like now. And whatever other things you are feeling...disbelief, unlucky whatever.

 

So if you get a good therapist and you click wih him or her, it's a wonderful thing to help you from being stuck. Seems like you are stuck which I was and sometimes still am. Discussions and their strategies to help you move forward really help.

 

I am by no means done with the process but I have learned alot about myself that have given me enlightenments on how I behave, interact with others, what are my strengths and weaknesses. All this knowledge and emotional growth can only help you.

 

So I am still f@cked up but definitely less so. Lol

 

I really wasnt a proponent o therapy before thi experience but now I am it's greatest advocate along with personal growth sessions like Adrial has. The more you know and understand yourself, easier it is to get what you want and feel and be authentic

 

I don't know if I explained it well enough but if you have any other questions, feel free to ask.

 

 

[whitedaisies]

@Sil88 I hope this helps. I am typing on my phone...

[fitgirl]

@Sil88 therapy helps you get an objective opinion on your emotions and decison-making. A good therapist can help you process and organize your thoughts and feelings so you can "re-program" the patterns you have. An objective qualified person can give you tools and guidelines on how to change your thinking over time.

 

It doesn't always require medication to work, but in some cases the medication clears your mind so you can think straight. The meds aren't for everyone, sometimes you just need to work on yourself and need some help to do it.

 

@GetBetter111

It sounds to me like herpes has just brought to the forefront the issues pre-existing in your marriage and in your life. Getting help for ALL of those problems is step one. Usually when a spouse "can't find the time" to go to therapy it's because they don't want to deal with the issues. It may be that lack of communication and connect that led you down the path you chose (I am not sure if you meant an affair but regardless). Herpes is your wake up call! It might be the thing that saves your marriage and save YOU. I can guarantee that the feelings you are having now have very little to do with herpes, its just the symptom of a bigger problem. I echo @whitedaisies on this, get help. You will be glad you did.

[WCSDancer2010]

@GetBetter111

It sounds to me like herpes has just brought to the forefront the issues pre-existing in your marriage and in your life. Getting help for ALL of those problems is step one. Usually when a spouse "can't find the time" to go to therapy it's because they don't want to deal with the issues. It may be that lack of communication and connect that led you down the path you chose (I am not sure if you meant an affair but regardless). Herpes is your wake up call! It might be the thing that saves your marriage and save YOU. I can guarantee that the feelings you are having now have very little to do with herpes, its just the symptom of a bigger problem. I echo @whitedaisies on this, get help. You will be glad you did.

 

 

Yup - I agree with all the above... whether your wife "has time" or not, you need to work on YOU anyway. You are carrying a huge amount of guilt, and as @fitgirl said, all of what you are carrying was likely there pre-herpes. You can't "fix" your wife .... you can only work on you... but in doing so, you may open up the door for her to be able to walk through and get help herself. Get back to the therapist - you will NEVER be happy or whole in your relationship until you work on what brought you to have the affair and then work on forgiving yourself ... and we can't really help you with that properly here... you need professional help... and perhaps some medication (at least for awhile) to help you to think more clearly while you work through the mud that is clogging your brain and preventing you from getting back to your happy place....

 

And BTW, you can use this to come back as a STRONGER and BETTER husband and father ... just remember

 

"No mud, no lotus " :)

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@GetBetter111

 

For you my friend ... it's all good, but the part about Rumination at 13.40 is especially for you :)

 

[Getbetter111]

Can't get it to play?

[WCSDancer2010]

Works for me here :/

 

Click on it twice - or click on the Youtube link at the bottom of the embeded picture ... if that doesn't work then go to Youtube and type in "How to practice emotional hygine guy winch ted talk"

[Sil88]

@whitedaisies @fitgirl thanks for the explanation, I am constantly told by one friend that I should see a professional therapist but I usually have an objective mind anyway, it's just the occasional freak-out from self diagnosing medical conditions. Before h I was very logical and never questioned my sanity, so much so that I accidentally changed a few skeptics' opinions on mental health. I was just curious what exercises there would be if I took that route. The fruitless doctor appointments sounds similar to me daisies.. I usually have pain in my underarms, lower back, pins and needles all the time (especially whilst sleeping), fatigue, episodes of fear with constant shaking and some others, but the only thing to show up is a slightly over the limit thyroid result.

[whitedaisies]

@sil88

 

I was like you too before h. Post h everything fell apart.

 

I really recommend therapy for anyone.

[whitedaisies]

Oh @sil88

 

I had weird things happen to my body and constantly pursued diagnosis despite everyone calling me crazy. I ended up having post viral syndrome which people can get after a herpes virus. It is a cousin of chronic fatigue unfroze. It's hard to diagnose as well. It's kind of an over active immune syste caused by the virus. So difficult to tell what symptoms from te virus and which one from post viral syndrome.

 

It usually subsides over time but I still have issues after over a year. No meds can help really.

[fitgirl]

@Sil88

even when we are objective thinkers, we can never be truly objective when it comes to ourselves. A qualified professional can provide you food for thought and show you potentially different ways to view your problems and strategies to solve them. @whitedaisies offers good insight into the physical issues, there are often symptoms that are difficult to medically explain but it helps to know others have experienced them so at least you know you are not crazy :)

I would suggest......that for people who have the feeling that everything before H was great and then "suddenly" everything "fell apart" post H.......that maybe, just maybe there were issues deep inside you that you were unaware of and maybe, just maybe Herpes dug them up! We ALL have issues, herpes just has a way of shining the spotlight on them. I look at the virus as a way to enlighten my mind and spirit. instead of taking a lifetime to deal with your shit, herpes just rips the Band-Aid off and forces you to deal with the wounds. it often takes some major life challenge for us to look at ourselves and figure out who we are, what we stand for and what makes us happy. Be thankful that your life lesson is just herpes, if that's the worst thing to ever happen to you, then you are one of the lucky ones

[PositivelyBeautiful]

AMEN! @fitgirl lol, so true.

[whitedaisies]

Yes agreed @fitgirl, easier to sweep issues under the rug when sthng happens to highlight other issues it can be an eye opener.

 

In my case, I was very unhappy and livig life for everyone else and not for me.

 

H helped me focus on me. Therapy helps me do that as it is not my strength and definitely not inate in me.

 

Therapy is a great unbiased opinion from a professional. They guide and support YOUR decisions. It's a wry special relationship if u get the right person.

 

 

[Getbetter111]

I am having the lower back pain everyday with a irritated penis? That is why I'm still so down I feel like shit. I was a pain to be around when I got a cold this has made me a miserable person.i just tried to do my life passion and was having pain in my balls and my penis is irritated right at the opening. It's driving me crazy do you think a suppressive scrip of anti viral will nock that out? I have no sore just this great feelings daily.

[WCSDancer2010]

I think several of us have told you that it wouldn't hurt to try the suppressive script ... if it doesn't work, no harm lost.

 

So did you get the video to work?

[Getbetter111]

Did a doc tell you you had post viral and what did they say about it. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way.

[WCSDancer2010]

@GetBetter111

 

WATCH THE VIDEO!!! The part at 13:40 is for you!

[Getbetter111]

I did watch it thanks.i am trying to fight the mind part just hard when I reminded by my physical part daily. Thank for your support. Do you really think this physical part will pass?