Ashamed feeling has come back

[Danaaaaaasaur]

Hi

 

I was diagnosed just over 6 months ago with HSV2. I was originally misdiagnosed with a UTI until 3 days later I saw clusters of blisters appear. I was absolutely devastated mainly because I made such a stupid mistake which led me to getting this. Basically the guy I had been seeing for a couple of months had been sleeping with someone else too which I found out because she had read his messages and then contacted me. I told him to get lost but then he kept calling saying he really liked me and thought this could turn into something blah blah and like an absolute idiot I gave in and said we could keep seeing eachother (basically I had zero self esteem and didn't think I was going to find anyone else and thought the reason he slept with someone else was because I wasn't good at sex so I thought I needed to prove to this guy that I was in fact worth it in the bedroom) I went out and bought fresh protection and I remember thinking I should have one out and ready to go when the moment came but just thought no Ill do it then...so when then came I had pretty much this exact conversation with myself in my head - 'so it's getting to that moment where I need to grab one, Ahh this is so awkward what do I do. Should I just say it or ask? What if he says no to using it I don't want to get rejected or look like I don't know what I'm doing.I mean you can get rid of chlamydia and gon it's not big deal..what's the worst that could happen?'

Well I found out what that worst thing was. HSV2!

 

His reaction at the time was 'oh well shit happens' which is ridiculously chilled so I have a feeling he already had an idea that he had it..when I went to the docs he mentioned a rash he had - wouldn't you tell the person you were sleeping with and insist on using protection If you knew you had a rash?! Anyway after 6 weeks I got rid of the lying jerk.

 

So as I said it's been 6 months and I'm still battling 1. With constant pain and tingles (my doctor diagnosed me with post herpetic neuralgia which just isn't getting better) and 2. I feel so ashamed at having this because I made a number of stupid mistakes - I used to ALWAYS use protection but as my self esteem slipped and the depression kicked in I stopped being aware of the right choices & What the hell was I thinking taking him back?! I didn't even like the guy I was just sick of everyone asking me why I don't have a bf.

 

Is this something to be really ashamed of? I feel like if I wasn't in pain 24/7 down there I would be able to cope a lot better and move forward but right now I'm stuck ruminating about what happened and what I *could* have done to not get this.

 

 

 

[fitgirl]

@Danaaaaaasaur

NO this is NOTHING to be ashamed of. You could have contracted herpes I soooo many ways and from anyone under any circumstance. The condom may or may not have made a difference. Don't beat yourself up, you didn't do anything wrong. We haave herpes, and you know what? It's ok. There are always moments of "what if" but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter, we are HERE. More importantly, learn from this! You are worthy of MORE than you gave yourself credit for and men will treat you how you let them. This isn't as bad as it seems right now, you adapt to herpes and now you will demand more from the men you meet. It doesn't matter how or why you have herpes, you are still the same person and you ARE worthy of someone who has your best interests at heart. This man was clearly not that person but they do exist. Don't let him or the virus define you. Pick up the pieces and move forward with confidence and pride. You deserve so much more.

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hey, first of all, sorry to hear that you are having to deal with constant physical symptoms... that's not easy, so be kind and patient with yourself. Part of healing is learning to forgive yourself for the choices you made that led you here... No one is perfect, no one is bulletproof, we make choices based on how we are feeling at a specific moment in time, sometimes for good reasons, other times out of fear, or neglect, or whatever... it's all part of living and being human, so there is absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about... So many people have unprotected sex, so many. I, myself, could have made better choices... but I didn't, and I can't take those moments back, I can't wish things would be different, where would that leave me? Stuck, angry, hurt, and I deserve better... so do you. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change those moments, to wish the outcome would have been different, to wonder what would have happened if you would have used a condom, or had he told you... the reality is what it is and it won't change... so how do you move past those feelings? You have to accept this new reality, and genuinely forgive yourself... I know the physical side makes things that much more difficult, but in time, those symptoms should subside... and you will be ok again. So for now, stay focused on the present moment, on what you can and will do for yourself going forward, on the opportunity here to love yourself more than you ever have before... Consider that H led you to a place to question your own behaviors, and has in a way forced you to reflect and realize that you deserve more than what you were allowing in your life. You will likely never give in to sex the way you once did, and that is a blessing in disguise. You will hold your partners up to higher standards, and you will never settle for anything less than you deserve. You have an opportunity to turn your 'mistakes' into very meaningful changes that could potentially make you happier and healthier than you ever were before... but first forgive yourself. We all fumble, but we still deserve to be happy and to be loved. Love yourself regardless.

 

Some quotes for you:

 

"Sometimes good people make bad choices. It doesn't mean they are bad people, it means they're human."

 

"Let go of certainty. The opposite is not uncertainty. It's openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose up sides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves, exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow."

 

"Holding on is believing there is only a past, letting go is knowing there is a future."

 

"The question is not whether you are going to meet adversity, but how you are going to meet it."

[WCSDancer2010]

@Danaaaaaasaur

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

First - ((HUGS))) ... sorry you are still dealing with the neuralgia ... I understand that it makes it hard to accept when you are dealing with pain but perhaps if we can help you get to acceptance, the pain may dissipate... ;)

 

So one thing ... you said:

 

.I mean you can get rid of chlamydia and gon it's not big deal..what's the worst that could happen?'

Well I found out what that worst thing was. HSV2!

 

Honey - HSV2 is NOT the worst thing that could happen to you. HIV is a FAR worse proposition. Think about it ;)

 

Now - as for the shame... Honey ... as they say "There ain't no shame in your game". If I were to take a wild guess at how many people on here look back and realize they got Herpes because they were in toxic relationships/sex habits due to their poor self esteem it would likely be at least 75% of the people who come on here. It's a very "human" thing to try to find acceptance (which is proof that you are "valuable" and soothes the "rejection response") ... and one way we do it (ESPECIALLY we women) is through sex. And usually backfires on us ... because simply put, if we don't respect ourselves, we will not be treated with respect ...

 

As @PositivelyBeautiful said ... H has forced you to reflect on your past behaviors ... and like it or not, that is a GOOD thing ... because your next relationship may have been with a physically or emotionally abusive person (which creates FAR deeper physical and emotional harm than Herpes). I like to tell people that herpes is your Wingman (in your case, it forced you to see that guy for who he is ... ). I know it sounds crazy, but check these links out and you may understand my thinking better :)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

 

 

As for Shame, I can't cover it better than Brene Brown

 

 

 

 

And interesting that you mention "ruminating"... check this link out ... about 3/4 of the way through that topic is discussed...

 

 

 

We are here to help ... this is one of the best resources to help you move through to acceptance ..... so come here as much as you need to ... ok?

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

 

[Danaaaaaasaur]

Thank you so much for the amazing responses @fitgirl @positivelybeautiful and @WCSdancer2010 :)

 

I was completed naive about this until I got it.. I actually thought it worked a lot like HIV where it transfers via fluids so I thought straight away that I would never be able to have children or have unprotected sex ever again which I now know to be completely false!! (Although I will definitely be using protection 100% of the time until i get to the point where i meet someone and we decide to have kids :))

 

It has been the greatest learning experience - for years I couldnt understand why I was so depressed but getting HSV2 made me realise that I wasn't living life for me and would stay in unhappy relationships because I didn't think I was good enough to do any better. I never slept around but fell into the trap of sleeping with said guy because everyone was laughing at me for not having slept with many people and being selective and kept saying 'just sleep with him who cares' Should have listened to my inner voice not theirs I think haha

[WCSDancer2010]

*Sigh* ... Sadly, for many people, Herpes was the wake-up call that they needed to stop and be honest about their dating motives ... Herpes rips the bandaid off and makes you look at your self esteem ... makes you see where you were settling or staying in toxic relationships because of the belief that you are not good enough for anyone, or whatever.

 

AND most people are naive about Herpes .... which is the perfect scenario for Herpes to spread ... because a little SIMPLE education and testing would make all the difference :(

[Danaaaaaasaur]

@WCSDancer2010 yup! I know I'm still fairly new to this but im trying to use it in a positive way to educate my close friends & family. Not one person knew that they don't test for herpes on a standard STD panel (just like I didn't know before this!) and they thought Pap smears test for it too whereas my doctors have said no it only detects abnormal cells caused by HPV.

[WCSDancer2010]

Well I'm glad you are passing what you have learned on to others.... hopefully we will manage to get a campaign going here some day soon ... so pay attention to your emails/announcements here for more info :)