Light at the end of the tunnel?

[DrNoLove]

I'll spare you all the details.. I "caught" the H last year.. a guy I'd been seeing for a few months.. we'd had all of the conversations - "Have you been tested?" "Yes, I'm clean - I have papers" "Oh good, me too - I've been tested for everything - I'm all clear - let's use a condom" "Sounds good".

 

Yeah.. well, when it came down to it - he didn't. Not my choice.

 

I started getting sick right away. I had full blown everything within about 6 days. And since I monitor things pretty closely, I knew there was something wrong several days before there was anything to diagnose. I didn't test positive for antibodies - just culture. I was horrified. The doc told me over the phone as if it was no big deal. She said that I should keep having sex (after I healed) and go on antivirals. When I told the guy he didn't really react.. but then retreated for several days. No solace for me. Thanks, Dude!

 

He confessed to me several weeks later that he finally went and got tested for H and he had it. (No great shock) He only talked to me after that because he thought that I was "safe" for him to have sex with (we didn't).

 

So, even though I wasn't raped, I still felt VERY violated. I still do.. every time I have to down those pills.

 

I can't say for sure that I've had another outbreak - and I can't say that I haven't. Things have been.. weird.

 

The emotional aspect of things has been the hardest. I'm older (41), and actually a medical professional. I should've known better - right? Well, guess what? They don't teach that people can shed virus without any sign. That would be how I came to acquire this lovely treat. I always examine my partners (and use protection). So, not only did I feel betrayed by the guy, but also my profession.

 

Only one person knows (besides the guy and the doc) - an old friend that lives far away. That's been hard - as I am extremely tired of hearing my friends/co-workers (one of which I know also has H) make jokes about it.

 

The reality is that I know all the stats. I've done all of the research. And I've been lurking on here and reading not just personal accounts but medical research for the last ~10 months. And I "get it". I get that it's a skin condition, and that it's practically ubiquitous. And I DEFINITELY get that we need to improve education (and testing) for professionals and the public.

 

What I can't seem to "get" is that it's ok. I'm tired of the reminders taking acyclovir every single day. I'm tired of flinching at the slightest twinge and feeling like I'm pariah. I'm tired of not having anyone at all to say "yeah, it's ok" in a non-placating way.

 

I got divorced when I was 34. It was one of the smartest things I've ever done.. But that doesn't mean I want to be done with relationships. I don't! I have enough problems with finding someone - let alone having to have the H talk too. (I've not gone out with anyone since the diagnosis).

 

I still have a LOT of questions - mostly about communication. And I think I'll have to figure them out as time goes on. Right now I just feel incredibly, horribly, and irrevocably alone.

 

Thanks for reading.

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hi @DrNoLove, first of all, welcome, and kudos for reaching out... you are not alone. There are a ton of supportive and amazing people on here that have been where you are, and have come through with flying colors, and we will all be here for you on the good and bad days, no matter what. Can I ask you something? What is stopping you from sharing this news with your friends? Yes, you have herpes, but nothing about who you are as a person has changed in any way. Sure you have some uncomfortable symptoms and have to have an awkward talk once in a while, but everything that makes you uniquely amazing is still firmly intact.

 

Are you are choosing to isolate yourself from the closest people in your life because of fear that they might look at you differently? If that's the case, face your fears, open heart and tell them what you are going through. You will find out very quickly who you're real friends are. If they walk away or judge you, they are not true friends. But chances are, they won't. In my case, I told all of my close friends, and each and every one of them were extremely supportive and compassionate. People that make jokes are ignorant and uninformed... they don't know the facts. Part of telling my friends was getting their support, and part of it was educating them about herpes. Because before I was diagnosed, I was equally misinformed, and so were they. You don't have to live with this like it's some terrifying secret... secrets make people sick. It's the beginning of healing the emotional of this. You might be surprised how accepting those closest to you will be, and that in itself, will help you gain confidence when you are ready to finally date again.

 

When I was first diagnosed, I realized very quickly that I had a choice... to beat myself up, put myself down, wallow in self-pity and destroy my sense of worth, or do the complete opposite - forgive myself, accept my shortcomings and love myself regardless. We are human, our bodies are susceptible to catching viruses, and it can happen to anyone at any point in time. No one is immune to the risk. Put this into perspective, it could have been so much worse, think of those that are diagnosed with cancer, HIV, or get into a freak accident that leaves them paralyzed. Herpes can't stop you from living a completely fulfilled life and realizing any dream. The only thing that will stop you is you. You have a choice here, and that's what it comes down to. You can take acyclovir every day, think negative thoughts, and let it act as a reminding of your mistakes, or you can choose to be grateful that's just an annoying skin condition and look at all the beauty in your life that surrounds you, herpes aside.

 

Dating is hard, trust me, I've been there, still am. But in all honesty, herpes made me a better judge of character, allowed me to slow down enough to see if that person was someone that I even wanted in my life, and whether they were deserving of my heart. It forced me to lead with my head and heart, and not get so caught up in the physical, which I believe was what I needed to do before herpes anyways. It's the best filter I have ever had in finding the right connection with someone. Sure, it's sad that it came down this, but I can't take it back or change it, so where's the silver lining, how can use this to my advantage? boy, have I. I am so grateful for all the lessons and the growth, because I am stronger than I ever was before. I am not invincible, but stronger. You will be too.

 

But go easy on yourself, one step at a time. Consider telling more friends, and sharing this very vulnerable part of you with them. Let people in, and let them love you. We're not meant to do this alone. Don't choose to walk this path alone, and in fear. Be fearless and open your heart to deeper friendships and greater healing. You deserve and owe yourself that.

 

Like I said, no matter what, we are all here for you, you are never alone. Here are some quotes for you:

 

"This journey is one of passing through exactly where you have been struggling not to go."

"The question is not whether you are going to meet adversity, but how you are going to meet it."

"I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become."

"Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be."

[DrNoLove]

I'm not going to be telling anyone. It's not because I'm ashamed, necessarily - it's because it's none of their business.

There are a lot of things that I don't tell people - because it's none of their business.

 

If I felt like I could trust the people that I was around, I would consider telling them. But I don't. A girl is allowed some secrets. She's also allowed to not be persecuted by ignorant morons. :)

 

I don't have close friendships. I never have. There are reasons for that - some of which involve trust and some of which involve my dedication to my work and studies. That may be hard for some people to understand, but it's true.

 

Even before, I wasn't one to go out much or want to date. And it might be that as soon as I realize that I "can" do this (I know I can - it's the realization of it being ok), that I'll decide I'd simply rather not go out. It's hard for someone like me (as I mentioned in the original post) to meet people that I resonate with (and that resonate with me). It's WAAAY more than H. H just makes it more complicated (and adds extra physical and emotional baggage).

 

I know that I'm a strong person. I know that I'm valuable and smart and occasionally funny.. There are lots of things that I know about myself (not trying to sound arrogant). I guess, in a lot of ways, I'm more scared that if I do decide to pursue relationships, I won't be able to find anyone because of H - and I'm angry, because - as if Life wasn't hard enough......

 

I'm not sitting in the corner in the fetal position.. I just want to KNOW it'll be ok.. and I guess I won't know that - until I experience it.

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Well, you definitely have friend here. So when you want to vent or need some support, we are all here for you. And it WILL be ok. Dating is hard for anyone, finding that connection is not easy. And yes herpes does complicate things, but trust me when I say, it will NOT stop you from finding a great guy, one that will openly accept and love you, even with herpes. Tons of H- and H+ get together, and have happy, long-term relationships without ever transmitting the virus. Life goes on after herpes and relationships have the potential of being deeper and more meaningful, because we are forced to be very vulnerable, earlier on. Others that were diagnosed way long ago will tell you the same. It's going to ok. This will not stop you from having anything you want in this life. If you need us, we are here for you.

[WCSDancer2010]

Only one person knows (besides the guy and the doc) - an old friend that lives far away. That's been hard - as I am extremely tired of hearing my friends/co-workers (one of which I know also has H) make jokes about it.

 

Well, as someone who is 100% "out" (and I get it that being totally out isn't for everyone!) I WILL say that I have yet to have anyone be ugly to me about it. And that was after coming out to over 1000 FB friends (many who I see several times a year at Dance Conventions). In fact, they pretty much all support me 100% and appreciate the fact that not only am I very vocal about the facts (and thus helping to educate them) but that I'm there when one of their friends comes to them totally freaked out about a H diagnosis.

 

As @PositivelyBeautiful said, you find out who your friends are when you disclose. You find out who is worthy of being in your circle of trust and support. And the rest?? Fuck 'em! Really! Who needs jerks in your circle? If anything I would WELCOME someone being ugly to me... I would thank them for showing me that they are someone who I don't need in my life.

 

And the jokes. Come on. Really? Do you never EVER make jokes? ANYTHING and EVERYTHING has the potential to become a joke. The only reason it bothers you now (as opposed to when you were pre-H diagnosis) is that you are now taking it PERSONALLY. And honey, those jokes are not about YOU ... it's just a human habit to make jokes about anything that makes us uncomfortable (which potentially can be ANYTHING). Check out my blog on Jokes ... it may help you to let go of your upset around it....

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/herpes-jokes-getting-the-last-laugh/

 

For me, now, if I hear someone make a H joke, I actually tell them that I'd appreciate it if they not make the jokes in the future, not for me (it doesn't bother me) but simply because they have no idea how many people around them inwardly cringe/cry/scream because they have Herpes and they take that joke to heart. And you know what? That person usually THANKS me for helping them to understand that when we joke we also need to be a little more cognizant of how that joke may secretly affect/hurt others.

 

I got divorced when I was 34. It was one of the smartest things I've ever done.. But that doesn't mean I want to be done with relationships. I don't! I have enough problems with finding someone - let alone having to have the H talk too. (I've not gone out with anyone since the diagnosis).

 

I still have a LOT of questions - mostly about communication. And I think I'll have to figure them out as time goes on. Right now I just feel incredibly, horribly, and irrevocably alone.

 

So let me propose something for you to think on. as @PositivelyBeautiful said, many here find that their romantic relationships post-diagnosis are often far deeper, more meaningful, and healthier than any they had pre-H. Why? Because they are FORCED to communicate better, and to learn to be ok with being vulnerable with another... the two biggest factors in creating a healthy, stable, loving partnership! So perhaps the reason you have "problems finding someone" is that you need to learn these things .... and while I can promise you that if you choose to take on learning to be ok being vulnerable you will feel VERY uncomfortable A LOT, I can also tell you that your chances of finding that person who sees and loves your SOUL will have a far better chance of becoming a reality ;) (See videos below... Brene Brown is one of my favorite speakers)

 

And one last thing. You say you are a Medical Professional. I hope that you are empathetic and accepting of all your patients whatever their condition/situation AND however they got there. So perhaps you can try to give that empathy/acceptance/love/etc to YOURSELF. Just because you are "in the profession" doesn't mean that you would know EVERYTHING about STD's - esp if it's not your specialty. AND, from what you say, the guy was not aware that he likely hadn't been tested for H and thus passed it to you unwittingly.... IE: you were BOTH just casualties of a society that was founded by Puritans and thus which feels incredibly uncomfortable discussing ANYTHING to do with sex (though I DO see *some* progression in the last 10 years...thankfully). Either way, *try* to be gentle on yourself, and even him. He's also just a human being, being human and he's likely suffering just as much as you now that he not only know's he isn't "clean" (and we REALLY discourage that word here because it assumes the opposite is "dirty" ... and we are NOT Dirty!) ... BUT ALSO that he unwittingly passed it on to someone else and that can really mess with a person's psyche even though it wasn't intentional.

 

We are here for you. You will travel through your path here your own way, but hopefully we can help you to stay on a "better" path to acceptance and self love.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Shame

 

Vulnerability

 

[DrNoLove]

I feel like I'm having to defend myself, here. That definitely doesn't feel right.

 

I thought we were here to support each other, rather than criticize someone else's state of mind. People feel how they feel. They have reasons for that - no matter how dysfunctional.

 

I have circles of friends. I think we all do.. acquaintances, people we hang out with but don't have long meaningful discussions with, etc etc. and then our inner circle. I happen to not have an inner circle. Why would I want to share my deepest thoughts with people I barely know?

 

You know that bothers me about how I contracted H? It's not that I contracted it (mind you, I'm not thrilled about that either), it's that he penetrated me bare - without my permission. That's been a hard thing for me to deal with. Yes, I know that he didn't know he had it.. and that when he said he was tested for everything, he actually thought that he was - and it's MY fault that I didn't make sure. (Although it should have been less of an issue since he was supposed to use protection). And it bothers me that he was/has been a douchebag ever since it happened. I was supposedly his girlfriend, and he treated me like I was meat. THAT bothers me. I think I'm entitled to be a little bit upset about that. And yes, eventually I will get over it. But I'm not there yet.

 

Not knowing me, and assuming that I need to learn certain things based on things said or unsaid, is really putting me on the defensive (and is one of my biggest pet peeves with people).

 

Just like how people might assume that (social stigma) someone was promiscuous and that's how they contracted H, people make judgments based on what they (think they) see, what they (think they) hear, and what they (think they) read.

 

Perhaps this is the wrong venue for me - and that trying to work through my thoughts and feelings by posting here is NOT appropriate.

[WCSDancer2010]

Honey - we are not passing judgement (we are a judgment-free zone here!) and you don't have to defend yourself - but we are just pointing out what *MIGHT* be something to look at. It's not at all personal and if it doesn't fit you, then that's ok. But if you come asking for help and opinions and advice you will get some that speaks to you and some that doesn't work for you. Please don't take any of it personally - and maybe some of it will make more sense further down the road .... you are hurting right now and I get that. And I hope you will stay .....

 

And of course it's normal and ok to be upset about how he treated you ... AND, perhaps over time you will find thankfulness that you realized he is a selfish jerk sooner rather than later.

 

As far as not sharing your deepest thoughts with people you barely know? Well, some of us are more transparent than others, and that's ok too. I pointed out *my* experience so you could see that people who are the kind of people you might want near you would never think less of you if you happened to let them into that side of your life. As I get older I find I want to be 100% authentically me ... and that means being ok with all my flaws and ok with the fact that not everyone will accept my flaws ... AND that it's not a reflection on me if they don't. I'm more at peace than I've ever been since I went down this path. AND ... it's not the right path for everyone. I can only share my experience.

 

Just like how people might assume that (social stigma) someone was promiscuous and that's how they contracted H, people make judgments based on what they (think they) see, what they (think they) hear, and what they (think they) read.

 

I personally would change that to say

 

"Just like how *some* people might assume that (social stigma) someone was promiscuous and that's how they contracted H, *some* people make judgments based on what they (think they) see, what they (think they) hear, and what they (think they) read.

 

My personal experience (which is all I can go on!) is that there are plenty of people out there who *don't* make assumptions based on social stigmas and who don't pass judgement on others because they understand that ALL humans are flawed and ALL humans make mistakes and many humans just plain get dealt a crappy hand and none of that makes them a "bad" or "dirty" person.

 

Our mission here is to create the change so that some day in the future, when someone gets a H+ diagnosis, that they don't have to experience the fear/self loathing/anger/etc that so many do now because of the ignorance and mis-information that is out there. And part of that entails helping those that are already diagnosed to find a place of peace and strength within themselves to not allow the opinions of others to shake them from knowing that they are still as beautiful, lovable, and awesome as they were before their diagnosis.

 

(((HUGS)))

[MMissouri]

I'm not going to be telling anyone. It's not because I'm ashamed, necessarily - it's because it's none of their business.

There are a lot of things that I don't tell people - because it's none of their business.

 

If I felt like I could trust the people that I was around, I would consider telling them. But I don't. A girl is allowed some secrets. She's also allowed to not be persecuted by ignorant morons. :)

 

 

I could have wrote this- I feel the exact same way!

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Nothing wrong with not being open about it either!

 

It's only harmful when someone is SO ashamed that they withdraw and don't seek/allow *someone* to support them .... and sadly that happens more than I'd care to admit... which is why *some* of us have chosen to be transparent ... to make a change so that people can feel safe to at least open up to one or two people if they are struggling so that they don't have to suffer alone and in silence :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[2Legit2Quit]

Wow...... That when down an unintended path.... I read no judgement or anywhere anyone should feel they have to defend themselves. I think it is common to project anger onto other's, that you have no where else to project and that's normal.

 

I actually think that's why I've been such a bitch to a couple of guys I dated since my diagnosis. I was projecting my feelings of men all being sex driven deviants, who wreck havoc on others life w no care. I didn't get to take my anger out on my giver, he bolted as soon as I confronted him. So I was just angry and it has taken me almost a yr later to finally realize how angry I have been this last yr. It's the worst feeling when your choice is robbed from you. It absolutely is the feeling of violation like rape or robbery. I get it.... Totally get it.... @DrNoLoveDrNoLove

 

Promise you though, nobody was mocking your feelings or telling you they were wrong, they were just wanting to provide guidance.. Hope you're feeling better about this, these days.