Help with discussion

[whitedaisies]

Ok so I have oral and ghsv1

 

My partner is of unknown status but has just come out of a monogamous marriage of 15 years. His partner had oral hsv1.

 

He assumes he has it already and bc he exposed himself constantly over the 15 years, he is comfortable with the risk I guess.

 

I would Like to know his status though. I doubt he has hsv2 so that's not my concern. I would like to know his hsv1 status bc of my constant symptoms I would be less stressed givig it to him. Orally if I gave it to him is not my concern it's oral to genital transmission or genital to genital.

 

I just need an objective opinion....am I being unreasonable asking him to get blood tested?

 

If he's acceptable with the risk do I just accept it?

 

I don't want to harp on it...but my constant symptoms of h or post viral or post herpetic neuralgia make me feel like I can't protect him at all. I am not worried about asymptomatic shedding. It's whether I having an ob. I have no idea if I am. Bumps appeared after pain again and I just get more nervous.

 

How do I ask him? He told me he hates needles and docs and I wanna say "man up the sex stops unless you test". But am I beig unreasonable? I am his first partner outside of his marriage.

 

Maybe he's afraid he will test negative and I will end it I dunno.

 

He's saying all the right things. He is very genuine. It's me. Am I being unreasonable?

[whitedaisies]

I spoke to him again and said imagine you are negative, would you still risk it and he said "of course!"

 

So I guess that's it....he wants me no matter what I have and I will just have to figure out how to be comfortable with the possibility of transmission.

[whitedaisies]

I still asked him to do blood test again though.

 

We will see.

[Sil88]

I guess he's concerned that if you see a negative result, it could be like pouring cold water on this hot new relationship you've got. Btw, if he's scared of needles, what about tests for HIV or syphilis? Some testing would be as much for your own benefit as his. Hope he comes around.

[whitedaisies]

He didnt get what I disclosed initially.

 

That u can get it on ur genitals.

 

I ended it. It's easier.

 

[fitgirl]

@whitedaisies what do you mean??? You ended it, why?

[whitedaisies]

I am not ready emotionally to give this to someone. I am trying I just can't. I can't promise him I am not having sex with an outbreak. I don't know what my ob are.

[fitgirl]

Ok, fair enough. BUT it seems to me that he is ok with the risk and since he was in a relationship with someone with the same virus for 15yrs, he actually means what he is saying. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and it seems to me he is the perfect situation to do that. You will discover that it's not as bad as you think, its just real life. Please start living your real life again, don't be your own worst enemy, be your number one fan. LET SOMEONE LOVE YOU BUT FIRST LOVE YOURSELF. Herpes is just herpes. It's not what defines YOU

[whitedaisies]

Honestly I know you mean well. But I have constant symptoms which may be h or may not be. I don't feel safe to have sex and honestly I thought the first time we had sex he understood. Apparently he didnt and that's a huge blow.

 

Yes he took the risk mostly orally but not as much genitally. I have a double whammy h in both places. The risk is higher the fact I have constant symptoms makes the risk higher.

 

People accept te risk bc tey don't think it will happen to them BUT it can and I don't want to be that person that does that.

 

Thys how I feel this week. Maybe not so much next week. I dunno.

 

 

[whitedaisies]

I think I am going off forum for a while.

 

In a bad place. Will be back when I feel better.

 

Thank you for yor support everyone.

[WCSDancer2010]

@whitedaisies

 

Two things friend:

 

You have swabbed your vajayjay tons of times and they have found NOTHING so while you may be having prodromes I can promise you that you can't be shedding much if at all if none of those tests have shown anything.

 

Now he's been with someone who had it orally for 15 yrs ... so odds are if he was going to get it, he would have it by now.... AND, he's at a FAR higher risk of getting it from you (or his ex when he was with her) from oral the from the genitals because it normally sheds down below about 60% LESS there than on the mouth. Given that 80% of the population has oral Herpes, he's likely going to get exposed to HSV1 again (possibly many times) one way or the other if he gets out in the dating pool. So your constant obsessing with worrying about passing it on from regular sex (ESPECIALLY if you are using condoms) doesn't fit with the FACTS of HSV1 transmission. Even the "experts" say the transmission rates are so low from HSV1 genitally that they are not sure that they have any records of anyone getting it that way!

 

I think you have other issues going on here my friend .... what are you REALLY running from? Because this sudden change of heart makes me thing that something else is at play here.... ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[whitedaisies]

Well him not realizing you can't get hsv1 on penis after we had sex was a real blow. I guess he didnt understand my disclosure and I thought I was clear.

 

He went in without a condom and I guess I feel guilty about that

 

Also I think he really likes me and that scared. I am not ready for the potential of getting hurt again. But I need physical intimacy to feel normal so that tugs at me. And I don't want random hook up sex with no emotion. I am pushing him away so I don't get rejected.

 

Anyway I am still scared of transmission. It bothers me bc I feel the stats don't apply to me.

 

I jut talked to him about everything and he's going to process all the information and get back to me.

 

I feel a little humiliated I guess and open to hurt. I don't like it.

[whitedaisies]

And I guess I feel I have to go trough possibility of rejection twice now w same guy and once is bad enough. P

[whitedaisies]

I guess I thought he accepted me and it felt good especially since the bad rejection I had previous.

 

Now it just feels that the sex was under false pretenses.

[WCSDancer2010]

Well him not realizing you can't get hsv1 on penis after we had sex was a real blow. I guess he didnt understand my disclosure and I thought I was clear.

 

Uh - assuming his wife gave him oral all those 15 years he was being exposed to the possibility of getting HSV1 on his penis all that time ... with a FAR bigger risk than getting it from you vaginally... make sure he gets that info! AND that YOU get that info too!

 

He went in without a condom and I guess I feel guilty about that

 

Look - you can't take responsibility for how he interprets/hears what you have told him (because I know you would have given him all the info he needed) nor his choice to not use a condom. Stop trying to be everybody's protector! He's a big boy and if he didn't make sure that he understood things, YOU can't take that responsibility.

 

Also I think he really likes me and that scared. I am not ready for the potential of getting hurt again. But I need physical intimacy to feel normal so that tugs at me. And I don't want random hook up sex with no emotion. I am pushing him away so I don't get rejected.

 

Well rejecting so you don't get rejected like not eating so you don't get Botulism .... sure, you won't get the bug, but you will die anyway from starvation.... so I hope you won't walk away just to keep from getting hurt ... because you will only end up hurting yourself anyway :(

 

 

Anyway I am still scared of transmission. It bothers me bc I feel the stats don't apply to me.

 

They don't. Right now every single test you have EVER had shows NO SHEDDING. AND you have HSV1 which sheds less anyway and you are at a FAR higher risk of giving it to him from ORAL sex (and after 15 years with the wife, he must either already have it there or he has a great immune system!) AND if he goes elsewhere odds are he will be with someone who at least has oral HSV1 and likely won't know it ...

 

IE: You can't take full responsibility for his sexual health. All you can do is inform him (and that's ALL you can do - you can't make him LISTEN) and then allow him to make his choice about what he wants to do.

 

I jut talked to him about everything and he's going to process all the information and get back to me.

 

I feel a little humiliated I guess and open to hurt. I don't like it.

 

Why are you feeling humiliated? YOU are the one who keeps trying to find an excuse for why you should walk away ... and again, you can't take responsibility for how he "understood" things if you gave him all the info (and I know you would have done that and THEN some!). And yes, you *may* get hurt - but a life WELL LIVED includes the risk of physical and emotional pain ... so you might as well grab it by the proverbial balls and LIVE it!

 

(((HUGS)))

 

[whitedaisies]

@wcsdancer2010.

 

I know everything you say is true. I do. I got a great chuckle about the botulism comment. Hysterical!

 

He's pondering and rethinking blood test so we will see. I am laying off for a while. If he is hsv1+ I am good to be with him sexually. If he's negative I guess we will see.

 

Thanks for the advice, as always you are spot on

 

Xo

[whitedaisies]

I think I may have pushed him away as he said he felt like I was. Guess I have to learn to not protect everyone and start protecting my needs and interests.

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

If he's had cold sores, he'll be HSV1 - he just won't know if he also has it genitally...

 

And yes - you pushed him away ... but you were scared because of his reaction to realizing more of the facts ... and with luck, he'll see that you both are just very fragile right now (him from divorce, you, well, from everything ..lol) and that things always seem worse when we are fragile :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[whitedaisies]

I guess whatever is meant to be will be.

 

I was really starting to enjoy his kindness and I guess the rug got pulled out from under me. I guess I was more vested than I thought I was.

 

Hugs back

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Yup - I have done that enough times to know that "casual sex" doesn't day casual for ME for very long. Believe me, I wish it could sometimes...LOL

 

AND... he may well be back - just give him time to process ... but you BOTH really need to get that if he lived with a OHSV1+ partner for 15 years, he's already been exposed to it many, many, MANY times assuming they had oral ... so if he's suddenly freaking out it's just because he's had a reality check ... and hopefully once that wears off he'll realize that unless he wants to become a monk, odds are he'll come across H1 a LOT more in his life... :/

[whitedaisies]

I can't do casual sex. I wish I could honestly. I have to like the person. I feel like a freak lol.

 

Anyway he's still texting

 

We will see

 

I really tried to hold back liking him for fear of this very thing and I guess consciously I told myself I didn't but subconsciously I do.

 

Damn I hate I can't fool myself. So many people live fooling themselves. Sometimes I hate being authentic.

 

Thanks dancer. Xo

[WCSDancer2010]

Good that he's still texting. Give him a little space ... maybe he's also realizing how much he likes YOU too and maybe he's scared of what that means too :)

[whitedaisies]

Latest update.....

 

Things are a go he didnt take long to decide to pursue things and feels the risk is minimal.

 

He is considering doing a blood test. Either way he wants things to continue.

 

 

[Ihaveittoo1975]

Congrats! Looks like you may have found a keeper.

[whitedaisies]

Thx @ihaveittoo1975

 

He said he decided right when I retold him but I spent so much time tryig to push him away....I think the problem is I don't think I am worthy of the risk for an h- person.

 

But he's sticking around and seems to have a good heart and is patient so I am looking forward to both being on the same page.

 

Seeing him in a few days as we have just been texting so it will be nice to reconnect again.