Should I meet my "giver"?

[Anna01]

So I broke the news to the guy that gave me H. If you read my story then you already know that he knew he had it for 15 years but didn't tell me about it until the day I broke up with him. It was a horrible experience. The energy that night was all off and it stuck with me for months. I haven't seen him since we broke up. I talked to him a couple of weeks ago to tell him that I tested positive. He said he was so sorry and that he was crying (not sure how true that was) but then he tried to flip it on me, like he wasn't sure that I didn't have anything because I never asked (so not true but whatever). I think he was trying to dodge the guilt. So I cut our conversation short to avoid the negativity. Neither of us would benefit from it. So on the 4th of July he text me and said "Do you have any free time this weekend so I can see you?". Last 4th of July we went on a vacation to some of his friends that are like family. It was an amazing time. I am thinking he might have been reflecting. I told him it is probably not a good idea. I really hate arguing and I feel very strong right now. I don't want to backtrack and play some blame game. I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me thinks he wants to apologize in person, part of me thinks he wants to push his negativity onto me...what are your opinions? Should I meet him for some closure or just move on?

[2Legit2Quit]

I think you should just move in. It's a case of ripping off the bandaid fast or slow. It is useless drawing out the emotional pain, than need be. This guy betrayed you, you do not need closure from that. This isn't a matter of disagreements and misunderstandings. He robbed you of a choice from selfishness and then showed no remorse. I think he's full of crap. He probably just wants some booty now. I think for your best interest, to keep it moving, so as not to lose any progress you've made thus far in your emotional healing.

 

Dancer is car better than I at giving dating advice. So I'm sure she'll have a lot of great advice on this. She should be a counselor period... Hehe. That's why we love our Dancer!

[WCSDancer2010]

If you feel you can meet him and stand strong, then it's up to you. You have to be in a place where you realize that if he tries to flip it on you that it's just him showing what a jerk he is again. If you are strong, you can then call him on his BS, then turn around and walk away (I'd meet in a very public place so he can't try anything on.)

 

If you feel that you are still more likely to take on his crap and not be able to shake it off, I'd stay away.

 

Personally, I think he's likely lonely and horny and is hoping you might be willing to go for a romp seeing as you both have it now. I hate to say it (and I am not lumping ALL men in this but sadly many do this) but a lot of guys will keep going back to an ex when they aren't getting laid ... not with the intent of getting back together but with the hope of a quick roll in the hay :(

 

So if you don't want that, I'd make it VERY clear before you even meet up ... and again, meet in a public place so you can't get smooth talked into something you will regret later :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[StillMeButWiser]

To me it sounds like he is looking for closure for himself. The guilt is weighing heavy. But you never know. People make bad choices doesn't necessarily make them a bad person. Sometimes a library is a good place to meet. No matter what, the ball is in your court and I'm sure you will have no problem taking the higher road. Remember, to take blaming out of don't use you statements. Use I feel------when I see or whatever it may be. Good luck.

[Anna01]

@2Legit2Quit I agree. My gut is telling me it is not a good idea. I have a soft spot for him because I know deep down he is a good person but he is extremely selfish. I am afraid that he will do anything to shake off the guilt. So I think I will stay away.

 

[Anna01]

@WCSDancer2010 You know I bet he would just love to have a nice roll in the sack with an H+ girl! lol The thought has definitely crossed my mind. I was thinking "This guy wants some booty!" I am strong right now and I am afraid that it will mess me up. When we were texting before, it caused me unecessary emotions. So I think atleast for now I will stay away. Thank s for the advice. The last thing I want is casual sex right now!

[Anna01]

@StillMeButWiser I do believe that deep down he is a good guy and his lack of self worth is what kept him from telling me. He has some insecurities (as we all do). I am still disappointed though and I am too forgiving at times. I don't like to be mad or angry with people. So I am afraid I will be too nice to avoid being awkward and he will not understand the gravity of what he did. It is too fresh at this point and emotions are high on both sides. So I will stay away for now and consider giving him a chance to apologize in the future.

[Anna01]

Thanks for the input everyone :)

[2Legit2Quit]

@anna01 I think you know what you gotta do and you're on the right track. My ex was selfish too that I talked about... Stay away from those people. They do nothing but take, take, take.. Especially when out of a divorce. They are emotional vampires and will suck you try once they are full and back on their feet, ready to start a life again.... W out you.

[Brynn2012]

@Anna01

 

I just met up with the man that gave me H, and girl...don't do it. Ever. Because my conversation went really well and it only built a higher resentment within my self. He is the same way as your guy: very sweet and honest, but he is his number one priority. I wasn't fitting in with his emotional schedule. He apologized and we left with the promise of being friends...but letting that happen is like...accepting the behavior. I cannot do it. I don't even know if I am better off from this talk. Being positive with him will likely change nothing, be positive on your own :)

[Brynn2012]

Well, both of our guys aren't "honest" haha, I take that back.

[whitedaisies]

Sometimes the closure you need is with yourself and has nothing to do with someone else.

 

Just a thought.

[Anna01]

@2Legit2Quit First let me say that I have forgotten too many times to tell you how much I love your username! It is awesome :) Second, I think you are right. That was the problem with our relationship. I felt too emotionally invested and he was SO self centered. I know that his concern with meeting me is probably a selfish one. Whether it be to relieve his guilt or to get in my pants. lol

[Anna01]

@Brynn2012 Thank you for that because that was my issue with it. I carry myself very well. I consider myself to be a pretty optimistic strong individual. So if he saw me in person he would probably think "Oh she is just fine. Nothing has changed about her. What I did wasn't so bad". I have a serious problem with that because he needs to really understand that what he did is not OK, not in the slightest. He betrayed me and changed my life forever. So I think I will keep my distance. I just pray that he changes his ways and gets enough self-respect to tell future partners.

And oh yes they are no longer "honest" guys haha freaking liars, cant stand it! smh

[Anna01]

@whitedaisies Honestly, as ridiculous as this sounds, I was speaking on closure for him. He confided in me about mental distress he had prior to our relationship. I know that he has gone through a lot of ups and downs in his life. It doesn't help that I am such an enabler :-/ I just hate the thought of him hurting himself or getting back to a place of mental weakness. I can be nice to a fault. So I was considering meeting him for him to clear his mind and maybe relieve some of the shame he obviously has associated with this disease. He needs to realize that he can be open with partners about this. I think he has kind of faced it alone.....maybe...not exactly sure. But at the end of the day I need to snap out of it! He is not my responsibility and I owe him nothing. So I will let it go and let him face his journey on his own. I have my own situation to deal with. I do get a little curious about how he got it though.

[2Legit2Quit]

@brynn2012 that was very insightful.. Glad it wasn't volatile, but I get the sense you feel it did zero for you.

[Brynn2012]

@Anna01

 

That is exactly how I felt about it. I kind of liked my wellbeing being a mystery. I even asked him if he ever thought about me...he said he would wonder if I was dead every once in a while. Wow. Thanks.

 

He changed your life forever, no man is going to readily accept that...he will do anything to alter his perception of the situation. Don't bother with him, you're already so much better off. He can pay for therapy if he can't deal, not your problem.

[WCSDancer2010]

Definitely don't go to make him feel better about himself..

 

So seeing more of what you have to say, if you were to talk to him, you want to do it to make it abundantly clear that (in your words) he needs to really understand that what he did is not OK, not in the slightest. He betrayed me and changed my life forever.

 

You could do that and be very clear that it doesn't mean he has to sink into depression ... but that he needs to acknowledge what he did, and promise to never get into a sexual relationship without disclosing. *THAT* might be beneficial for both of you. It's healthy and empowering for someone to be able to be completely honest in someones face about the impact of their actions ... the thing is, you have to go with the attitude that you are going to ONLY speak your truth ... no mud slinging or ugliness ... AND no expectation of anything from them as far as the reaction/promise... BUT you can request that they promise to not do it again to anyone else.

 

In that way, he could see the impact on you, (without it being OK) and *perhaps* make changes in his life to be a better person.

 

Not saying you *should* do this, but it's an option....

 

((HUGS)))

[Anna01]

@Brynn2012 Geez Brynn the more I here about your guy, the more I want you to leave him in the past! I don't care for the way is handling this at all.

[Anna01]

@WCSDancer2010 I understand what you mean about meeting him for that purpose. I am so reluctant to do it. It kind of gives me bad nerves when I think about it. So on that reason alone I will wait. Maybe one day I can but right now I am working on myself. I just hope he is doing the same. I will consider it in the future. Thank you for your always sound advice :)

((HUGS))

[Brynn2012]

@Anna01

 

Haha, he really is a nobody in the scheme of things. I'm done with him, chiefly because he doesn't want to be there now. He wants to wait until things are better, and you know...no. He doesn't get to be a part of the success story if he shunned me during the struggle. Time is your best asset, give it a few months-everything on your terms!