How to ask indirectly if your partner is accepting or not?

[antifragile]

Hi,

 

Thank you all writing success stories and advice, this forums has been really helpful. I don't know if this is weird but I'd like to ask for strategies to find out if your potential partner is accepting of you having herpes. I mean, how to find out if they would go out with someone with incurable std without letting them know that you have one. I really don't want to tell everyone right away that I have hpv and herpes but I'd like to know if it is deal breaker for them so I won't be wasting my or my date's time. Any better strategies than just asking "Would you date someone with herpes"? That's how rumors get started...

 

Thanks,

 

AF

[StillMeButWiser]

If they are a germ fobia type person, more than likely wont be accepting. Listen carefully to what they say and read in between the lines. Could also ask about their dating experience. My ex told me of a girl he dated and when it got time to be intimate, she told him. He rejected her. He did the samething to me 4 years later when I had my first ob. Casually talk about protection and refer to articles or people who you know as examples. See their reactions.

[WCSDancer2010]

@antifragile

 

I personally agree with just plain paying attention to how they react to germ-type situations. Jokes. General commentary on people who are "different". Yet just because they crack a joke may not mean anything. We've had people on here who were hurt when the potential partner cracked a joke ... yet they disclosed anyway and the person was terribly embarrassed and really just hadn't thought about how it might affect someone ...

 

In the end, I'd say go with your gut. And realize that if they DO reject you, it's not about YOU .... much of the time Herpes actually helps you to see if the guy is into YOU, or if he wants to GET INTO you :)

 

These link may help you to see why I call H my Wingman :)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/dating-online-my-personal-experience-with-being-out-and-proud/

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

[Anna01]

For me, I feel that "probing" can be misleading. People often say things to put out an impression or they say things just to be talking. Often times we don't truly mean what we say. I can't count how many times I have said "Oh no way. I would never do that." Fast forward 2 months and I'm doing exactly what I said I wouldn't do. Sometimes I feel I must've scared the S*** out of my ex when we talked about stds because I was running my mouth saying "I take my sexual health very seriously. I always get tested. I am scared to get anything...blah blah blah." All the while, he is sitting across from me knowing he is H positive. I had no clue! Little did he know I was trying to prove to him that I was a worthy partner. It was not my intention to say I wouldn't mess with someone who has an std. I can imagine how nervous he became. I wasn't speaking rudely or anything but he just probably thought I wouldn't take the risk. However, he was wrong. I would have because I cared about him. SO like Dancer said, I say follow your instincts. We have a sense of our connections with people. Feel him out. See if he is someone you really want to move forward with it and if he is worth it, tell him.

[antifragile]

Thank you for your answers! I'm actually a guy which I forgot to mention in the first message :)

 

I agree with you both. I think I can usually sense from someone if she would be accepting of genital warts/herpes but then again probing can be misleading with some people. It's a tough situation because I'm really anxious that word gets around if I tell too early and too many people. I'm not one that wants this to be public knowledge because it would affect my social life quite negatively :(

 

I've already told 3 women about genital warts and all those relationships have ended there. If GW is a deal breaker to many, having herpes to go with that won't improve my odds. Yeah, I'm feeling frustrated and losing hope but that wasn't really the topic...

 

I guess I have to keep doing what I've done. Take it slowly and tell them when I feel like I can trust them not to gossip. Eventually though someone will so that's why I was thinking probing could be a better option. Nothing seems to be easy with these stds. Ugh.

 

AF

[2Legit2Quit]

@antifragileantifragile I know a guy who has had both warts and herpes for like 15yrs and has never been rejected and has been married twice. I think he waits a few months till he tells them, usually when they're so sexually frustrated and don't get why he won't go through w it.

[2Legit2Quit]

Also, maybe throwing out there that you have a friend in this situation and wants to disclose to a girl and what is her opinion on how he should proceed, because he really needs a female perspective on that.

[antifragile]

@2legit2quit

 

Thanks for your encouraging words. My dates were not that open but I guess none of them had that much future potential to begin with. I'll keep playing the long play and hopefully find something worthwhile. I had really active, fulfilling and good sex life before herpes so it is just soul crushing to not have sex at all anymore. I hope something real comes along soon...

[StillMeButWiser]

To me hearing the word, warts seem harsh. A cauliflower ugly looking thing flashes through my mind. Just saying. Personally I would use the word HPV as warts do come from HPV and just about everyone has HPV. Unless there are symptoms there is no test for men. I never had a guy tell me he had HPV never mind any issues down there. I had HPV several years ago and didn't disclose it. It did go away. In April I found out I have it again. (After the herpes diagnosis). I don't plan on disclosing as herpes is big enough to cover both. But this is me and some might not agree. The guy is more than likely already a carrier. No way of knowing since no test. Do you plan on disclosing both at the same time or just one then the other later?

[antifragile]

Well where I'm from we usually call genital warts condyloma and I did have 3 visible warts. I feel that I need to disclose it even though many doctors disagree after having no symptoms for 2,5 years now.

 

So far I've only disclosed HPV and it has been enough for the girls to run for the hills. I'm just disclosing hpv and if that is something they can live with I bring up the real test which is herpes. Somehow I feel like I can live with people knowing I had hpv but not hpv and herpes.

[2Legit2Quit]

I think disclosing HPV that is the non wart strain, is different not to disclose about, asen cannot be tested for that. However, I do feel it is different when it makes something grow on your genitals and feel disclosure needs to happen. It's the one that's asymptomatic that most all have, not the ones that cause warts.

[Danaaaaaasaur]

Hi @antifragile

 

I also have both warts and herpes too! I haven't ever disclosed about the warts( as I haven't had symptoms since 2011) I did only disclose to my ex boyfriend who also had them (he actually gave them to me so it was an easy convo to have haha)

 

Although obviously I'm 100% for disclosing with herpes :)

 

Good Luck with sussing out your lady friend :)

[WCSDancer2010]

I had warts 30+ yrs ago. After about 2-3 yrs, it goes dormant and usually doesn't cause an issue. On top of that, the CDC says that everyone will get HPV at some point in their lives. So you may want to be better prepared with facts for these girls because except for warts (which you can see), you can't test men for HPV so unless you have the warts (ie, a symptom you can SEE) odds are they will be exposed to at least one kind of HPV in their lives ... likely more. I've also had dysplasia on my cervix, likely caused by HPV but in those days they didn't know HPV caused it. I would also say you HAD genital warts 2 1/2 yrs go, and it generally goes dormant after a couple years and it seems to have gone dormant ... that will help them to realize that the odds are that they have or will be exposed to it at some point in their lives

 

http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv.htm